Long story slightly shorter: my oldest brother passed away almost 2 yrs ago, and my DH & I recently acquired custody of his youngest children (N, girl, age 8) and T (boy, age 6).
I think they are doing very well, considering the magnitude of the loss. They adored their dad. He was the one who did all of the fun things with them (
the park, the beach, the museum, etc) as their biomom is, um, let's just say something of a UA violation and leave it at that.
Anyway, the kids are generally well-behaved and we are all adjusting to the very big changes in our lives (they've moved from Chicago to Portland; I'm expecting my first baby in Dec.) fairly well. BUT:
there are times when it all seems to come tumbling down. They can't stand to listen to music that reminds him of his dad (which is frustrating for me, because it's usu Stevie Wonder or something that reminds me of our childhood). The 6 yo will mope a bit, but he generally bucks up with some hugs and gentle love. I also have a photo collage that he likes to look at, which seems to help.
But last night, we were at the school's open house, and the 8yo heard another song which reminded her of her dad (I didn't find this out until this morning). She was fine until bedtime, when she broke out into crazy intense sobs that didn't stop for *hours*. At first it was panicking about the house possibly burning down, about seeing monsters in the shadows on the ceiling, about not feeling safe without me in the room... just on and on and on.
So I sat with her for a while, and taught her a deep breathing exercise (figuring that you can't weep and take deep breaths at the same time
), and promised that we would get her a blackout mask today so she can sleep without seeing the shadows. (We are also going to have a practice fire drill so everyone knows what to do.)
I guess my question is really this: what else can I do? How do I teach them (but esp. her) how to self-soothe when their minds get in a loop and they cannot calm themselves down?
They were in grief therapy for a year, which is part of why I think they're doing as well as they are, and I'm wondering if they need to do it again? Is there something else I could be doing for them? They eat a pretty healthy diet (almost *no* sugar, lots of fruit & veg), and we generally keep a regular schedule, so I don't think it's related to food sensitivity or anything like that.
It just hurts me so much to see them suffer like that and not to be able to calm themselves -- I worry about how they'll do when I'm not around.
Thanks for any advice,
Cher
I think they are doing very well, considering the magnitude of the loss. They adored their dad. He was the one who did all of the fun things with them (
the park, the beach, the museum, etc) as their biomom is, um, let's just say something of a UA violation and leave it at that.
Anyway, the kids are generally well-behaved and we are all adjusting to the very big changes in our lives (they've moved from Chicago to Portland; I'm expecting my first baby in Dec.) fairly well. BUT:
there are times when it all seems to come tumbling down. They can't stand to listen to music that reminds him of his dad (which is frustrating for me, because it's usu Stevie Wonder or something that reminds me of our childhood). The 6 yo will mope a bit, but he generally bucks up with some hugs and gentle love. I also have a photo collage that he likes to look at, which seems to help.
But last night, we were at the school's open house, and the 8yo heard another song which reminded her of her dad (I didn't find this out until this morning). She was fine until bedtime, when she broke out into crazy intense sobs that didn't stop for *hours*. At first it was panicking about the house possibly burning down, about seeing monsters in the shadows on the ceiling, about not feeling safe without me in the room... just on and on and on.
So I sat with her for a while, and taught her a deep breathing exercise (figuring that you can't weep and take deep breaths at the same time
), and promised that we would get her a blackout mask today so she can sleep without seeing the shadows. (We are also going to have a practice fire drill so everyone knows what to do.)I guess my question is really this: what else can I do? How do I teach them (but esp. her) how to self-soothe when their minds get in a loop and they cannot calm themselves down?
They were in grief therapy for a year, which is part of why I think they're doing as well as they are, and I'm wondering if they need to do it again? Is there something else I could be doing for them? They eat a pretty healthy diet (almost *no* sugar, lots of fruit & veg), and we generally keep a regular schedule, so I don't think it's related to food sensitivity or anything like that.
It just hurts me so much to see them suffer like that and not to be able to calm themselves -- I worry about how they'll do when I'm not around.
Thanks for any advice,
Cher
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