Don't feel like I can do this anymore...

[scheelimama]

I guess it's my turn to whine. I'm feeling terribly depressed the last two days. All I want is my husband and I can't have him. I've got to get my mind out of this rut, I need something to refocus on. But I can't do it. And there are several things stressing me out.

The kids have been watching too much t.v. and I've been trying really hard to limit it to just 1-2 hours a day, but when they play, they make mess after mess. They will play so well together that I don't want to interrupt their play, but the messes are really getting to me. It's like pulling teeth to get them to clean up their toys or whatever it is they got out while they were playing.

I'm also feeling rather lonely, as it seems everyone has a job, or family around, or something to keep them busy. I call people to try and get together and everyone is always busy. I just feel like giving up. People hardly ever call me to see if I want to do something with them. I need some more friends.

I'm really stressing about not having a doula yet. I applied to Operation Special Delivery about a month ago now. They emailed me about a week after I mailed my app. telling me they received it and were forwarding it on to the local office. Apparently they are having a hard time finding someone to volunteer since they have not contacted me. I emailed OSD again a week ago to find out what was going on and they told me to contact them in a week if I still hadn't heard anything. Guess I should do that soon. I've called/emailed at least 6-8 different doulas, and was willing to pay them and either did not get a response or was told that they had plans for mid-late November and weren't taking clients due at that time. I try to explain that once my husband is here, I don't need a doula, just need to make sure my bases are covered and I have someone to help me if the baby comes before dh gets here. Then I get, "well, if you don't find someone by then, give me a call." Yeah, right. I need someone I can visit with a few times! And the lady who was suppose to help with my kids when we go to the birth center (she'd be coming along since the kids want to be there) just got a new job so I don't know how that will work out. As it stands, I have no idea who will take me to the birth center if this baby comes early. I just need my husband here.

Lastly, I hate food. I get nauseous several times a day now, I guess the effectiveness of the Prilosec is wearing off. I can't eat meat or garlic and feel so limited. I'm tired of trying to figure out what to eat and keep it fairly healthy. I just want to be normal again. And I hate gaining weight. I've only gained 21-22 lbs. at nearly 33 weeks, so that's not terrible, but I just feel so awful about my body right now. I'm currently at my max weight ever (this is what I weighed at the very end of both previous pregnancies and also what I weighed my second year of college before losing a bunch of weight, I'm at 172). I know I will gain some more before it's said and done, but I'm not comfortable gaining any more. It's really affecting my mood/body image. Not sure how to deal with that. I know it wouldn't be so bad if dh was here to affirm me and make me feel sexy anyway.

I'm sorry, I feel like there's no one I can complain to. If I whine to other military wives, I get no sympathy. I get the attitude of "suck it up...I'm in the same boat and you don't hear me whining." I could tell dh, but there's nothing he can do and it just makes him feel worse. I'm just really struggling tonight. All I want to do is cry. I need some hugs.

[Googy]

Oh Alisha, I am so sorry. You have every right to feel down, and you should feel free to whine as much as you need to! I have so much sympathy for you military mamas. You just have so much on your plate--all the worry and missing your DHs on top of running things alone at home--that's just a lot for one person! And it bothers me that the other military wives aren't more supportive--just because lots of women have to go through this doesn't make it any easier, you know?

I wish I had some sage words of advice for you to make everything better, but I don't. All I can do is send lots of hugs your way!

[ChiaraRose]

I have no advice, unfortunately I can't help you, we are too far away. but I can offer you hugs and I understand what you are saying and it truly sucks.
Can you get a nice movie and some chocolate and just hang out and do your nails or whatever makes you feel good and pretty after the kids go to bed? Gte a haircut or a massage, just something for yourself.
I hope you will feel better soon,
L.

[scheelimama]

I was actually going to go rent a movie or something tonight, but after braving the mall with the kids, having lots of intense braxton hicks contractions while there, and not wanting to deal with the kids running all over the video store, touching everything, I decided to just come home.

I'll try to do something nice for myself tomorrow though, I promise. Not sure what yet.

I feel a tad better, dh just got online and we got to chat and play games for an hour. I wasn't expecting him to be on tonight. I actually wasn't expecting to talk to him for a few days. He's switching to a new shift tomorrow (today for him now), and he'll be working nights, so he was up trying to get used to it. I'm off to bed now, hoping to feel tons better in the morning, since everything usually looks better after some sleep, right? Thanks for the hugs.

[boogiemonster]

You're doing an amazing job...I don't know how you do it all. Take care of yourself. I hope things look up for you soon.

[melissakc]

Hugs for you!

[renaissanceed]

I'm in awe of anyone who can look after a family on their own, especially while pregnant. I can only imagine how hard it is.

Is there any way you can just decide to ignore the messes (unless they are insanitary) that your DDs are making if they are at least playing together well? I think I've reached that point. DD has been taking apart my childhood sticker album for the last several days and we have stickers all over the floor, table, toilet seat, bathtub, my clothes, our socks etc. Not to mention all the toys strewn about. Basically, as long as we can still navigate our way thru the house without tripping, I think I'm OK with anything at this point.

Here's hoping for some good news on the doula front soon.

[GinaRae]

Oh yuck, I totally hear you! You have every right to whine.

Also, it DOES get tiring when you're left with all the kids' messes over and over and over again. I know.

Is there a local LLL or sling or AP group where you can meet some new friends?

[GooeyRN]

[Kontessa]

Seems I am not the only one getting the "Suck it up" speaches. I am so very sorry. I got one a few days ago one a list for those exploring the "Secret" of all places. -sigh-

The world needs more empathy and I am sorry you are not finding it. I could tell you what works day by day here but you have your own special situation and worries. Not sure any of it will help. Just in case though, have you tried play groups or mama groups? LLL or Nine in Nine out? Holistic Moms network? Church? I honestly have more groups and things to do then I have time or energy for. All that though and still I get to feeling alone. It is hard to connect deeply with others I am finding, it takes time and hit or miss and right now the kind of support we need is hard to find as fast as we need it.

It must be scary having one of the few people who you hoped to count on for the birth and your kids all of a sudden get a life going in another direction that might not fit, like a new job! I get this, my support person is now going to college, made plans for her family to come visit, and even invited her mom to the birth! Her mum and I do not even get along! LOL I keep thinking, even with a doula and such, I might still end up alone, everyone too busy for me! It is a fear and I guess the way I am dealing is trying to empower myself for the what if's. Like looking up UC and a list of people I would not love to be at the birth but who might give me a ride or help with my kids. More so though I know I need to work on putting possitive energy into this situation. So much worry, that is really hard.

Nothing will be perfect without hubby, not possible for me but sounds like it might work for you. I hope you can hold on to that hope and still be at peace with the idea of greeting your love with baby in arms just in case.

All of that to say, it sucks. We are at war, people suffering, us suffering, and sometimes it is really just not ok. If there is a time to cry would it not be now? I spent so much time trying to not cry, trying to be strong in front of my kids, and how silly is that? My children have caught me crying as of late and even at two my son seems to understand. My daughter is seeing that emotion and tears are not the end of the world and you can feel some better after. Oh, and I discovered I can cry and not have a full on break down. LOL I was really scared of that. I think it takes more energy to hold all the emotion in then to vent it out. But who will listen? Around me.... few I trust I with my emotion and like you, I do not want to make hubby feel worse. So here I am, on the net. It helps.

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone and not all army wives are "cold" hearts. I swear some of them enjoy the time without their husbands! I wonder what they do. I was talking to someone who does not know my family and was going on and on about my wonder hubby and they commented that clearly he is away. Odd.... I always talk about hubby that way..... A reminder, I am very blessed! You must be too.

((((((Hugs))))))

[Curlita]

Originally Posted by scheelimama

If I whine to other military wives, I get no sympathy. I get the attitude of "suck it up...I'm in the same boat and you don't hear me whining."

That's too bad. You shouldn't have to keep a stiff upper lip! I'm sending big hugs your way, Alisha. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to take care of TWO KIDS with no hubby for support, not to mention the worries about him being far away.

Is there anyone you can call to come babysit for a few hours so you can go sit somewhere with a book, or a cup of coffee, or just some you-time? I know that hamster-on-a-wheel feeling. Is there anywhere you can take the kids out to play to get out of your routine? Sometimes I find that once I get out of the house with Dylan, even just to the park or the library, I can focus on enjoying him without a lot of the distractions at home (like seeing the things that need to be done, or the messes that need to be cleaned up). It's a nice break for both of us.

I hope you hear from OSD soon. Hang in there, I'll be thinking of you!

[*Lindsey*]

Lots of 's coming your way, Alisha. You are absolutely amazing!

[wwisdomskr]

[Grace24]

[scheelimama]

Thanks for the hugs. I've felt more positive about everything today even though nothing has really changed. We did go to church this morning, which always seems to boost my mood for a day or two.

As for getting more involved with groups...I've really been trying but I've had trouble connecting with various groups. I tried a small group through church and was excited about doing that, but once Scheeli started school, I realized the kids have to be in bed by 7:30 at the latest or they're terribly crabby the next day. So, all evening activities are out. LLL is also an evening activity, but I'm going to go to that tomorrow night anyway. I know that nursing is always really hard for me and without support I would have given up both times. So, I need to meet these people before the baby is born, so I know who to call when I'm ready to quit, so they can talk me back into nursing.

I am getting to know some local people from MDC and really enjoying them, but as you said Kimmy, it takes time to build the deep connections we need at this point in our lives. A new "crunchy" group just sprung up, seemingly out of no where, here, so I'll go to the first playgroup for that on Tuesday morning. I'm also going to try a new Bible study on base on Thursday. I didn't do much over the summer in the way of finding/making friends since we were out of town for so long.

Honestly, if I wasn't pregnant and at the end, I would either go get a job just for the connections and people, or I would go see my best friend in Michigan for a week.

I think what I'm really struggling with is the fact that my parenting style does not mesh very well with most of my friends/aquaintances and I feel like several of them don't think I'm strict enough. And I also feel like some of them don't really understand my children (especially my older one, she's what we call "spirited" and rather loud, but sweet as can be.) I just can't handle hanging out with people who tolerate my children or want them to behave in a way that is not them (like for Scheeli to be a quiet little princess, or for Bronwynn not to act like an independent two, almost three year old.) It just drives me crazy when people expect my kids to be more well behaved that should be expected and they look at me like I'm a bad mom.

I guess that's my main issue with trying both to make new friends and to get to know the friends that I already have better.

As for just getting out, to the library, store, whatever...my kids are at that age where they enjoy each other a lot and get each other riled up real quick and can't stand still to save their lives. I hate going to the store, post office, library, etc. with them right now. It's so tough. I just get so irritated at them when they won't stand still. And yet, I don't feel like it's reasonable for me to expect them to be quiet and stand still, given their ages and personalities, but then I see people looking at me with that "control your children" look and I don't know what to do. It's just so frustrating. Perhaps all this should go in the gentle discipline forum, I don't know. But I enjoy you all so much, and several of you have older children and have already been through this stage.

I'm sure the doula/birth support stuff will work itself out. Things always seem to work out in the end. I just hate the process of getting there and not knowing how it will all work out. The Army is good for breaking you of the need to know and having everything planned out nicely ahead of time.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent ladies. And thanks for all the hugs. Oh, and Kimmy, I totally started crying when I read your whole part about it being okay to cry. You're right. I just hate crying and always have hated it. I'm not much of a crier, it takes a lot. But it's how I get out my anger and pent up emotions, I don't really yell or get physically agressive. I just cry. Thanks for the reminder that it's okay.

[Kontessa]

Originally Posted by scheelimama

As for just getting out, to the library, store, whatever...my kids are at that age where they enjoy each other a lot and get each other riled up real quick and can't stand still to save their lives. I hate going to the store, post office, library, etc. with them right now. It's so tough. I just get so irritated at them when they won't stand still. And yet, I don't feel like it's reasonable for me to expect them to be quiet and stand still, given their ages and personalities, but then I see people looking at me with that "control your children" look and I don't know what to do. It's just so frustrating. Perhaps all this should go in the gentle discipline forum, I don't know. But I enjoy you all so much, and several of you have older children and have already been through this stage.

I had to comment on this as I think I have a clue what you are feeling like. I do not even take my 2 year old to cheer practice or most of the games or Friday homeschool co-op days. A friend watches him for me and soon hourly drop off day care on post will. He is just such a hand full. I had to take him to my daughters game Saturday and I made him stay in the stroller and kept him busy with toys and food and playing with him. Another mother who lets her little ones run free thought it odd. Hers are different then mine though, even when clearly no one was watching them but me it seemed, they did not get into much. My son though in a blink of an eye would have been on the football field and I can not move fast enough to keep up with him. So I was mean mommy and made him stay in his stoller and he did have some fun.

Anyway..... I hope to get to NINO meeting at the library soon as it has a BIG room that is fairly kid proof and he can run while I learn more about different slings and such. I really need to get to a LLL meeting and hope they have a kid safe area so I do not have to worry.

wow did I run off into my own little world. I just hurt all over and keeping up is really hard. That I understand! Oh and at the church I go to my DD is looked at like a wild child, she is spirited and sweet too and I have seen the other kids, not so kind, I adore her and others can shove their judgements of her!

[Isaac'sMa]

hugs, Alisha. This is another one of those times when I wished that more members of this DDC lived closer together IRL! I hope you feel better soon.

[GinaRae]

It has to be hard when you don't have that partner coming home at night and on the weekends to watch the kids so you can run errands. Because, honestly, there is little that you can do to have peaceful trips to the store and library.

Kids just rile each other up and once they get into that pattern in public, it seems to stick. Kids their ages don't take the prospect of consequences to heart - they can't think that far ahead.

That stinks! I wish you all the best finding more like-minded friends. I know how that feels.

[Kontessa]

How is the new hours your hubby going to be working effect you guys and how and when you talk?

My hubby used to have internet in his room, it broke over 3 weeks ago and no point in getting it fixed as he is moving rooms. Most of the guys are as the unit coming to replace them is 4xs as big. This speaks to the fact that they have been very understaffed from the start! So my hubby will n ot have internet in his new room either! He will have public internet but we can not webcam on it. So much for those plans. So as of now he calls me every few days in the evenings and I badly miss our everyday gaming and chatting online. Such is life. The calls are treasured still though all the more now that they can not be counted on.

Now that the end is in site I see you have it harder honestly. Your love might be there for the birth but then you will not have him for a long time. My guy will not be here for the birth but at least when he gets here I can count on him being home for a while. I know the birth will be harder without hubby but really it comes from within and I need to build that strength some anyway.

I hope you can build support fast hun. All those groups will be wonderful after baby is here too!

Blessings,
Kimmy

[scheelimama]

Originally Posted by Kontessa

Now that the end is in site I see you have it harder honestly. Your love might be there for the birth but then you will not have him for a long time. My guy will not be here for the birth but at least when he gets here I can count on him being home for a while. I know the birth will be harder without hubby but really it comes from within and I need to build that strength some anyway.

No, no. I hate to compare. Everyone has struggles and challenges. They are just different, not necessarily harder than one or anothers. You've endured without your man for far too long. I had my dh with my through the worst of my morning sickness which was a Godsend. I don't know how I would have survived those first few months of this pregnancy without him.

Anyway, as for the hours...it should work out better for me. He's been either calling or IM'ing me anytime between noon and 6 p.m. for the last few months. (Well, only IM'ing for the last month or so). So, since he started IM'ing me half the time, I have been doing nothing in the afternoons, making no plans to get out, just sitting around the house waiting for him to get online. A few times I told him I was going to be doing something whether he got on or not, as I just couldn't sit around the house and wait anymore. But mainly, I've not done too much with our afternoons, which has probably added to my low feelings. Although, I value my time with dh too much to miss it every day just so we can go to the park/library/friend's house/whatever, kwim.

He'll be working nights now, which means communication should take place before noon my time or after 8 p.m. my time. I'm hoping that he gets into a routine where he can get online for an hour or so every evening between 8-10 p.m. my time. With his previous schedule he would sleep until it was time to get ready to into work and then he'd stay up for 6 hours or so after work (like if you had a normal 8-5 schedule, which he has never had there and probably will never have.) So, that's my hope for this new schedule.

I'm sorry you're dh doesn't have internet anymore. It is really nice since he got it. It's made a world of difference to me. I mailed him a webcam nearly 2 weeks ago and he still hasn't gotten it (he normally gets packages in 5-7 days, so not sure what's up.) But hopefully that will work out for us. He's got satellite internet which is a bit faster and more reliable than the regular internet there, and it also doesn't get turned off in a blackout (which I'm so happy about!) but it's still not good compared to what you can get here in the U.S. It still cuts him out often and he has a lot of trouble keeping my webcam up on his computer.

Lastly, I talked to my children's labor support person and the only person I have for sure coming with me at this point, to see if she would still be able to attend with the new job. She told me that they are very laid back at her job and it won't be a problem at all to get off work for a day or whatever is needed. She is definitely planning on being there. *phew* That's one burden off my back. And if worse comes to worse, she can take me there and I'll just not have my own labor support person. Hopefully I'll be able to find one more person though to be just for me.

Thanks ladies for all the support. I really appreciate it. Oh, and I asked my neighbor to watch my kids for a half hour last night so I could run to Hollywood video and rent a video and game. I told her I had to do something nice for myself. And I stayed up too late last night watching the movie, but I think it was worth it. Oh, and I ate Ben & Jerry's ice cream while I watched it. : Now, hopefully I don't regret staying up late.