I had a traumatic experience when DS1 was born (induction at 36 weeks for pre-e and then bad jaundice which required an extended nursery stay and re-hospitalization, plus a tongue-tie and resulting bfing difficulties), which led to severe PPD and PTSD. DS2 was an accidental pregnancy, but I have to admit I was kind of excited at the prospect of finally getting the birth I wanted and it seemed the fog I'd been in for the past year and a half was finally lifting.
We planned a UC, and I took great care of myself, and made it past 41 weeks! I was REALLY eager to be done though - pregnancy is really hard on my body and I could barely walk toward the end. Labor and birth were amazing - hard work and painful, but I was ecstatic when I realized I did it. DS2 was born into DH's hands, drug free and peacefully at home in our bedroom, with no interference or interventions. And he latched on right away - no tongue-tie!
Then we waited for the placenta to come. And we waited, and waited... and waited some more. Finally after 17 hours we took a second trip to the ER (the first at around 10 hours was a disaster and we went home to try other options, which of course didn't work) and an OB assisted with the delivery of my placenta. I was hooked up to an IV with abx, fluids and morphine, separated from my babe (out of necessity and luckily for only about an hour during which DH held him) and given a manual internal sweep, the pain of which overshadowed labor by a long shot (and the morphine was a joke.)
I was then admitted to the hospital overnight, threatened with CPS, and forced to talk to a social worker before we could be discharged. Luckily throughout all this, I was able to keep my baby with me, as a visitor on the floor, which meant that the hospital had nothing to do with him. This is my one saving grace throughout, that DS2 was held by me or DH or my mom for his entire first few days of life, and never subject to hospital stuff.
Unfortunately, I had to be separated from 2yo DS1 for the better part of 3 days, while in labor, and then while at the hospital. This devastated me, since I'd never spent more than a few hours away from him. He seemed to do ok at the time, but I guess it affected him worse than we thought, because now we're dealing with some major separation anxiety and he won't allow himself to be away from me at all, and he's nursing more than his newborn brother. I'm suffering badly. I'm totally touched out and sometimes even repulsed by DS1's nursing, but if I try to dissuade him from nursing in any way, he throws an all-out tantrum.
I have such a short fuse, I yell at him way too much, and I had a tantrum of my own the other day which scared the crap out of me and really seemed to scare DS1. Since then I've been afraid to be alone with the kids because of the thoughts that went through my head and the way I just couldn't control myself. I love my boys so much and I couldn't bear to hurt them in any way, but the blinding rage was more than I could control and I'm scared it might be even worse next time.
My Medicaid has been canceled, I have an idea why but I can't get a hold of anyone to get it fixed. So I'm going to a low-cost clinic on Monday because I really feel at this point that getting on meds finally is the best solution for me. I've tried herbal/supplement stuff and it helps somewhat but I think I need something more now. Besides the usual post-birth stuff and DS1's issues, there are other big issues going on in my life and until we can get it all ironed out I need to be able to just make it through the day.
Not sure what I'm wanting here, just someone to commiserate with me I guess. I had been hoping to keep PPD at bay this time by eating my placenta, but that's not an option anymore (though I did get to keep it - it's in my freezer and if someone tells me it's safe to consume I will do it in a heartbeat!) Thanks for reading.
We planned a UC, and I took great care of myself, and made it past 41 weeks! I was REALLY eager to be done though - pregnancy is really hard on my body and I could barely walk toward the end. Labor and birth were amazing - hard work and painful, but I was ecstatic when I realized I did it. DS2 was born into DH's hands, drug free and peacefully at home in our bedroom, with no interference or interventions. And he latched on right away - no tongue-tie!
Then we waited for the placenta to come. And we waited, and waited... and waited some more. Finally after 17 hours we took a second trip to the ER (the first at around 10 hours was a disaster and we went home to try other options, which of course didn't work) and an OB assisted with the delivery of my placenta. I was hooked up to an IV with abx, fluids and morphine, separated from my babe (out of necessity and luckily for only about an hour during which DH held him) and given a manual internal sweep, the pain of which overshadowed labor by a long shot (and the morphine was a joke.)
I was then admitted to the hospital overnight, threatened with CPS, and forced to talk to a social worker before we could be discharged. Luckily throughout all this, I was able to keep my baby with me, as a visitor on the floor, which meant that the hospital had nothing to do with him. This is my one saving grace throughout, that DS2 was held by me or DH or my mom for his entire first few days of life, and never subject to hospital stuff.
Unfortunately, I had to be separated from 2yo DS1 for the better part of 3 days, while in labor, and then while at the hospital. This devastated me, since I'd never spent more than a few hours away from him. He seemed to do ok at the time, but I guess it affected him worse than we thought, because now we're dealing with some major separation anxiety and he won't allow himself to be away from me at all, and he's nursing more than his newborn brother. I'm suffering badly. I'm totally touched out and sometimes even repulsed by DS1's nursing, but if I try to dissuade him from nursing in any way, he throws an all-out tantrum.
I have such a short fuse, I yell at him way too much, and I had a tantrum of my own the other day which scared the crap out of me and really seemed to scare DS1. Since then I've been afraid to be alone with the kids because of the thoughts that went through my head and the way I just couldn't control myself. I love my boys so much and I couldn't bear to hurt them in any way, but the blinding rage was more than I could control and I'm scared it might be even worse next time.
My Medicaid has been canceled, I have an idea why but I can't get a hold of anyone to get it fixed. So I'm going to a low-cost clinic on Monday because I really feel at this point that getting on meds finally is the best solution for me. I've tried herbal/supplement stuff and it helps somewhat but I think I need something more now. Besides the usual post-birth stuff and DS1's issues, there are other big issues going on in my life and until we can get it all ironed out I need to be able to just make it through the day.
Not sure what I'm wanting here, just someone to commiserate with me I guess. I had been hoping to keep PPD at bay this time by eating my placenta, but that's not an option anymore (though I did get to keep it - it's in my freezer and if someone tells me it's safe to consume I will do it in a heartbeat!) Thanks for reading.
