How do you APFather w/ BFWife?

[barleyhill]

I hope you wonderful dads don't mind a question from a bf mother, but I would love some input from all of you! My husband is very supportive of my decision to breastfeed and totally agrees with me on the idea of AP, but I don't feel he holds up his end of the ideal. : When I complain that he seems to stay at work unnecessarily long hours (he's a teacher, as was I) and that he seems to agree to every responsibilty others ask him to take on that keeps him away from home he gives me the "I'm so sorry I work so hard to make sure you can stay home." I don't know how to respond to that. When he is home he's often openly annoyed if I ask him to watch dd so I can get something done, so most of the time I don't ask him, but this results in him spending almost no time alone with dd. He doesn't seem to notice this! Also, he often uses the (I feel) excuse that if dd gets antsy or whatever he can't bf, so what's the point. Dd is 16 mos. old and somehow both my father and mother are well-able to entertain her. I guess what I'm really wondering is, after long days at work, how willing are you guys to take over some of the parenting when you get home? Am I asking too much, perhaps? How did you come to peace on this issue in your own household? Routines? Thanks to any and all responses, I'm beginning to feel my dh has ADD when it comes to his dd!

[papabliss]

Please don't give up on him. Sometimes we (males) need a kick in the shorts to spend time with the kids after a long hard day. I know that SAHMs worked just as hard or harder, but sometimes it feels like (for me anyway) that when DW meets me at the door with DS and DD only to hand them over to me the moment I step into the house, that while she is getting a break, I have not had one yet, and think it would be nice to share the responsibilities for a few minutes. Finally, we have agreed that I am allowed to take off my coat and wash my hands prior to taking over the kidraising duties.

Anyway, I do have friends that appear to avoid the home in order to keep from having to spend time with their kids. I really think that is sad and something they will regret later.

So my advice is to make your DH spend time with the kid(s) even if he protests. You are right about this so don't give in to his whinings or complaints. But you might also want to model good kid behavior and say positive things so he does not feel bad about the time he does spend with your DD. I doubt the ADD thing. Rather, he just needs to practice slowing down his mental processes to the 16mo old level. It takes time, but is worth it.

Finally, if he really protests, give him the classic teacher guilt trip by asking him why he cares so much about other people's kids and not his own. But be nice about it.

Cheers.

[papabliss]

Oh, one other thing. Tell him to lay off the "I can't BF" crap. Big deal.

Unless you are BFing 24/7 there is plenty of time to be a dad. If the kid needs a fillup or to top off the tank, so be it, but then get back to play!

pb

[zevulon]

I work long hours, with much pressure and strict deadlines
on projects and often feel utterly exhausted at the end
of the day.

Fortunately, I have a 15-minute train ride home which I try
to use on focusing out my work day and thinking about
coming home to see our ds. If I still feel agitated by the
time I arrive at our apartment complex, I let myself take
one quick walk around the building. Quite often, this does
the trick.


I realise that however hard my work is...my wife's is harder,
that my work--though difficult at times, etc. etc--allows me
to take some right real luxuries such as drinking a glass of
water or going to the toilet alone. Sometimes I can forget
this though, and I don't think it hurts to have my wife
remind me of this.

You said that your husband believes your child needs to be
fed when the child starts squirming or is uncomfortable, etc.
I feel that way at times as well--seeing the nipple as the
silver bullet. Because my wife spends more hours with
our dh than me, I often have to ask her to sit near us for
a few minutes and "translate" the sounds. Often I really
don't know what he wants and because his abilities and
interests change so quickly I can miss out on a whole
vocabulary of sounds and movements before my next
free day rolls around.

When I do have free days, they really become my wife's
free days instead. And sometimes I'd rather be doing
something else...though I'm loathe to admit it to myself.
But they seem to go much better when my wife asks me
at the beginning of the day what my plans are, when
I want free time, etc. Most of the time I realise that
I don't really need any long stretches to myself and that
I'd really be content just sitting around with ds. But I seem
to realise that best, sometimes only, when she asks
me that question.

[papabliss]

Hi zevulon,

I like your point about translating the sounds of the child. I am always one step behind DW in knowing what the kids are doing because I am away from home for part of the day.

Many times, I am doing something with DS (4mos) and he starts to protest. DW will say "I think he is bored with that toy" or he likes to be walked around right now" or "I think his tummy hurts so hold him this way."

DW spent the day learning these things. I've been home 10 minutes and don't know them so I REALLY appreciate knowing what is already known!

Something I do admit that I really hate is to be given both the child and a task the moment I get home. I almost got in the habit of changing a diaper whenever DS was handed to me because I was sure that is why he was given to me.

Translation: when changing shifts, share information between the crews.

Cheers

[mom at home]

Barleyhill,

I'm a mom, not a dad, but do understand your dilemma from both my and dh's perspectives. It was very hard when our kids were young, but as they've gotten older it has really worked itself. Primarily, because the kids are off playing together alot of the time or doing things on their own. But when you have a baby or a younger child they need your attention such a large percentage of the time. I remember doing what Papabliss described, the second my dh got home I would hand over responsibility and walk over to the library across the street or go for a walk or something. I know it was hard for dh as he was tired from working and also sleep deprived as I was, but it is soooo intense being home all day with two little ones and often it was all I could manage just to make it until he got home. The weekend problem was difficult as I wanted him around to give me time off, but he needed a break also and we also needed time for our whole family to be together. We would try to split up Saturday so we each got to have our own time for half the day and then spend Sunday as a family. Hang in there. It does get easier. For now, plan some specific times when your dh has sole responsibility.

[barleyhill]

Thanks for your replies! One thing I wanted to add is that I have NEVER met my husband at the door with dd and simply handed her over. When my dh comes in he sits down immediately to eat dinner. After dinner he conveniently disappears to a chair in the living room and picks up a book, or comes in to work on the computer. I'm always made to feel that to ask him to watch dd is to ask him away from something he's already doing that is more important to him. I don't even remember the last time I picked up a book (that wasn't "Goodnight Moon" or "200 Toddler Tips"), and even though I grade papers on the side I do this from the time dh and dd go to sleep until the middle of the night, since I am never not in the role of resposibility with dd. Thank goodness my dd is the most wonderful little angel ever born, and I have never for a second felt overwhelmed or resentful of my loss of time for ME, however I am simply saddened by my husband's seeming lack of interest or empathy.

[Liz]

I was just losing sleep over this issue myself. I went out last night with a friend leaving ds home with dad, something I do rarely. I asked dh if it was okay well in advance. DH left this morning with nothing more than a kiss and a see ya later and will not be back until well after bedtime. Grrr . . . I think caring for our child is a shared responsibility and if either of us is going to take some time off they are asking a favour of the other. So they should ask and not just assume.

In my case, if I look at how my dh was raised and how I was raised I can see why we don't understand each other. My parents shared all the household chores including child care. My husband's mother did everything. His father proudly admits that he had nothing to do with raising the children, giving all the credit for the fabulous results to his wife. Well, they are good kids but maybe not the best parents. (Actually, neither of the daughters have married or had kids - just coincidence? I wonder...). Anyway, my point is: look at your husband's upbringing, that's where he learned it. If I point out that something my husband is doing is similar to his father, he listens up real fast.

[barleyhill]

You hit it right on the money, Liz! I have really noticed the similarities in dh's ideas of his responsibilities, and they coincide not only with his father's but his grandfather's as well!!! This is really ingrained stuff! I have talked to him about this and while he wholeheartedly agrees he seems at a loss for the will to try to change his behavior.
By the way, I so totally empathize with your situation of dh going out without prior notice. It's like my dh thinks since he's out of the house without dd all day, that its his innate right to do that all the time. He's definitely a part time dad and I'm a full time mom. I read in one of the other areas of this site about a couple who consider 9-5 each other's work days: hers as shm and his as outside the home worker. At the end of the day they share responsibilities: housework is done by both since taking care of the children is full-time work. Sounds nice!! I'm jealous, I loathe to admit.

[Dov]

modeling

Zevulon & Papabliss have some great ideas and experiences!

Do any of his pals model good AP Dad behaviors? Most of us men didn't have AP Dads so our modeling wiring is non-functioning. I'm still at-home so I relate more to the moms who see the spouse return home seize an opportunity to breathe. I have found though, that spending time around my friends who are PT SAHD's or WAHDs helps me do better too. I'm sure it could be the same for guys who work outside the home. If he can see how other guys do it, he's more likely to actually do it himself.

Dov

[Liz]

Hey, barleyhill. Liz again.

There have been some positive changes in our household. Here's how they came about maybe it'll help you. Purely by coincidence, I have had a number of social events over the past two weeks so DH took care of DS. Each evening was successful overall and I think this gave Dad a feeling of accomplishment. He seems to like talking over the mundane details like putting to bed strategies, colour of poo, etc. since he has more first hand experience now.
We have also banned TV before DS's bedtime so we have nothing else to do but talk to each other and play with DS. DS is talking a blue streak these days so it's really fun to play and watch him learn. One of us may hang back and read a little once in a while but we are all there together.

So go out somewhere! Let him have complete responsibility. I'm sure it will be good for both of you.

Good luck, Liz