Starting to worry about not telling my mom about HB *Update*

[LittleBrownDog]

I decided months ago that I would not tell my mom that I was having a homebirth. I posted about it early on, trying to figure things out. So we decided not to tell her and just kind of play it off at the end, like, "Oh, you didn't know? I thought I mentioned it..." But now I'm afraid she'll be really hurt that I didn't tell her, especially since MIL will be at the birth. She has shown no interest in coming out for the birth, so that's no longer a concern. She's coming out November 16 for a week, and I'm due on the 5th, so there is some possibility she'll be here if I go to 42 weeks. Oh, crap- I hadn't thought of that- When she comes it will be her and my dad and my grandparents and they're all staying here! I can't birth with them all here. Crap, something else to worry about. Hmmmm.

Anyway, should I tell her now and risk having her bring negativity into my last 6-8 weeks of this pregnancy? Or tell her after and risk her being sad/feeling left-out/etc (she's very passive aggressive) forever? And if I do tell her now, HOW??? Ugh.

[renaissanceed]

Is there any possibility that if you do tell her in the next few weeks (I would probably still wait a while), she would be so shocked that she wouldn't have anything to say? Or that if you don't, she'll be so delighted with a new grandchild that she'll be able to cope with not having known?

The first bit is essentially what happened to us with my MIL. I actually thought she had known, but it turns out that she found out due to something one of us said around week 36 last time, and was so surprised she had absolutely nothing to say. And then we didn't speak to her much after that til DD was born.

I realize that it's your mother, not MIL, and that makes it a bit tougher.

If you do decide to tell her, it might be best to put it that you are 'planning' a homebirth (rather than having one - it makes it easier on you later if, for whatever reason, things don't work out), and that you are very confident in your MWs and your ability to birth this baby and you feel comfortable in your home.

As for the going past 42 weeks - not sure I"d worry about that too much. Of course, it could happen, but why borrow trouble? Do you have a gut feeling you'll be that late? If she is there and you want to HB, it's your house and I think your DH should ask her to leave if you're not comfortable with her there (Yep, I say have DH do that job).

Best of luck with whichever way you decide.

[Googy]

I would tell her, but that's just me. Her feelings really could be terribly hurt, and that kind of thing can last a really long time. I wouldn't assume that she is going to add stress--just phrase it like, "Mom, this is what we decided, I really wanted you to know. We are really sure of our decision and have researched it thoroughly and hope that you will support us." I think that this would quell a lot of arguments against the whole HB idea. To me, its not worth risking ending a relationship.

[wwisdomskr]

Don't give her the power to bring stress and anxiety into your pregnancy... It's your birth and it's up to you and your husband how and where it will happen.

If I were your mom, I would feel hurt that you didn't trust me to support you. So, instead of saying "I hope you will support us," consider saying "Dh and I have made the final decision to plan a homebirth. I trust that you will support us and respect our decision. I can hardly wait to see you and introduce you to your new grandchild!"

She may have questions, and you can answer them as you will. Just remember that it's your birth and your decision. If she gives you a hard time...tell her that you are hurt by *her* decision to be unsupportive, that you have no space or energy for negativity right now and that you will speak with her after you have birthed your beautiful, healthy baby.

Give her a chance, though.

Good luck, Mama.

[sorteep]

by the time she gets in you *should* ahve had the baby,, maybe don't really say anything and she will think you are just home from wherever it is she thinks you went to have the bab?? it is sort of lying by omission but... it could work... except for pics.. hmmmm and everyone else talking..hmmmm,, gee, might not work... maybe casually mention it w/o details and don't make a huge deal about telling her specifically.. tough one.. good luck (brave you for having everyone stay with you just PP.. wow!

[Momma Aimee]

I would put it to her as .........................

I want you to knw DH and i have been doing a lot of thinking, reading and learning with this pregancy. We decided not to talk to anyone about our birth choices untill we were confident for ourselves what we wanted for the birth. we needed to be sure ourselves, to talk togetheer and do our research. [be sure MIL doens't open her mouth about knowing a long time ago]

we just finally reached our decision, we've been researching it for a long time and wanting to make sure that the baby, i and the pregancy were 100% healthy and normal before we really set out hearts on anything.

We are planning a HB..[insert with this midewife who has done 300 hbs... or whatever]. I know you are going to have a lot of questions, and that this is something that maybe really new to you. i have some copeies of some research for you. why don't you read it and think about it, adn i would be glad to answer all your questions. i know you are going to be worried baout my safty and the safty of the baby -- turest me we were too at first [even if you weren't} when we considered HBing let me show you what we found out tha tmade us feel safe. Before you ask we DO have a back up plan {insert MW criteria for tranfering and where you will go} but our ME has a very low tranfer rate [insert something about the MW rates and so on].

and take this as an oppertunity to EDUCATE her not to FIGHT her.......

i can tell you, 5 or 6 years ago -- had any of my freind popped up with a HB I would have been scared and concerned and worried -- and STILL if anyone i know HB I want to know they have a soid emergency plan in place

so think of it from your mom's POV --- this might be soemthing she has NO expereince with, and she is gonna worry about you and the baby no matter what ..... give her good hard data, offer to let her meet with teh MW alone or with you, answer all her Questions -- even the stupid ones that seem just intended to start a fight .....

If I were your mom, I would feel hurt that you didn't trust me to support you.

Me too ... even if it was something TOTALLY outside my realm of expereince, i would liek to assume i'd be given the benfit of the doubt. you can assure her you know this is a new thing for her, soemthing she has no experience with, somthing often protrayed in the media as crazy ... but give her the data and act like you are shareing it with a freind, not like you are expecting a fight.

(my mom said she hopes i have a girl this time so some day i can know the hell of standing around watching MY daughter give birth, mom says that no matter how hard her Pit birth without pain medication was, it was NOTHING compared with watching me birth)

[LittleBrownDog]

Thanks everyone- I'm going to tell her. In the fine family tradition of passive communication, I think I will do it in an "Oh, didn't you know?" sort of way- There have been a few times where I've almost slipped and said something about still needing a few more supplies for the birth, or wondering where to set up the birth pool. So I think I will just let something slip and see where the conversation goes from there. Wish me luck!

[LittleBrownDog]

Well, I told her! I mentioned something about the MW home visit a few days ago on the phone, and I guess it didn't register. Then I talked to her yesterday while on the way to MW and she asked why they came to my house- I told her it was so they knew how to get here, and could help me figure out where to set everything up, etc etc. So she paused and said, "Are you having the baby at home??" And I said yes, then kind of mumbled I thought I'd mentioned that before and she said no you didn't... Then kind of paused and said, well, that's nice. That was it for that conversation- but then just now I was IMing with her and she said she'd told my Nana about it- and she said she remembered being home when her two younger brothers were born! And that two of my mom's cousins were also born at home. So it went very well- I can tell she's still a little uncomfortable, but she's not going to say anything or question me. Which is a HUGE relief.

[renaissanceed]

Wow, sounds like things turned out better than you could have imagined. Wishing you a peaceful home birth.

[Momma Aimee]

good

i can understand her being a little ill-at-ease, there has to be a "getting used to it phase" -- but it sounds like there is a family history of pos home birthing ... did you know about that before?

glad it went so well.

Aimee

[melissakc]

Oh, what a relief! I'm so glad it went well!

[GinaRae]

It works in your favor that there are positive stories in your family about homebirth, so yay! My mom will often take news well and say she's okay, but once she digests it, she gets upset. Sounds like your mom was able to digest with the help of Nana and she's okay!!

[Kontessa]

I am so happy to get this update. I would have said not to tell her! But then no one here knows my mums. LOL

It worked out and that is what matters and now you can let go of this secret!

[Traceyky]

I'm so glad you did not face opposition, I know that is a relief!!