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Does Your Circumcised Husband feel that RIC was a valid 'parental choice'?

post #1 of 80
Thread Starter 
I know that in the US in general, and even among some parents who chose to leave their sons intact, RIC is seen as a valid 'parental choice', and it is sometimes said that we should 'respect and support' the parenting choices of others, even if we don't agree with them.

I thought it would be interesting to hear from men who were circumcised as infants - how do they feel about RIC as a 'parental choice'? Was it a choice your parents had a right to make for you? Is your body yours, or does it belong to your parents? Was it any different when you were a baby?

As a women, I am fortunate and my body is protected. It is illegal for anyone to alter my genitals without my consent. The same is not true for men.

I would be very interested in hearing the thoughts of men on this forum (ladies - if your dhs/partners don't post here, could you ask them for us and come back with their responses?).

I would ask that replies just be from men - either circumcised men (and how they feel about the fact that their parents altered their bodies) or intact men (do they feel that their parents should have had the right to alter their bodies when they were children)? Since this directly affects men - especially the argument that circumcision is a 'parental choice' - I'd really like to hear from men what they think about this in relationship to themselves.

Thanks!
post #2 of 80
I will ask. I bet it will be like pulling teeth for him to answer seriously but Ill do my best. That said, he didnt put up any fight to keeping our son intact, but I dont think hes upset about his own circ. Ill get back to you.
post #3 of 80
My dh doesn't post here but I can very confidently share his opinion. He is circ'ed. We have 2 boys, and they are intact.

Dh, at age 36, has always harbored angry feelings towards his parents for having it done to him. He has gone so far as to research foreskin restoration and would like to attempt it.

He believes it is not a parent's choice. He is the one who came to me before I had even thought about it when we were pg with ds1. He made it very clear that we would not be circing our boys. (which wasn't up for debate, anyway, since I agreed!)
post #4 of 80
I will try to get dh to answer but he is so sick of hearing me on my : about circ
post #5 of 80
My dh says he refuses to answer that question at 4 oclock in the morning. Doesn't mean he won't answer. Let you know when he does.
post #6 of 80
I asked my intact dh the question and he answered, simply, "no, only if truly medically necessary" (and he agrees that the only reasons are frostbite, gangrene, and cancer).

He's happy that his parents didn't make that personal choice for him, and so am I

love and peace.
post #7 of 80
My DH does not think his parents had the right to make this "parental choice". He was angry about it for a while after we saw a circ video (he had no idea just how horrible it is), but I think now he's accepted that his parents didn't know better and did what they thought was best at the time (it was the 60's, and his parents are a Dr and nurse).

However, he is angry that they encouraged circ for their grandsons (only got one of three though). No excuses anymore!
post #8 of 80
No, he does not think it was a parental choice. That is why our boys are intact.
post #9 of 80
I just asked DH if he thought it was a 'valid parental choice' and he said 'Good grief no! Not unless cutting off the tips of your child's fingers is a 'valid parental choice'.'. When I asked if it made him angry that his parents did it to him, he said 'Well, it didn't make me angry until I realised the ramifications... even now it doesn't make me angry, because I'm sure they did it out of ignorance. But yeah, it makes me kind of peeved'.

Hope that helps! FWIW, he'd never really known about the circumcision 'issue' until I found it on MDC and linked him to a few articles. He certainly won't vax our sons, should we have any; and he's vaguely interested in restoration, but probably not enough to actually bother doing it. If he hadn't read the articles he'd probably be quite content with the status quo.
post #10 of 80
I know my dh would never post here in a million years but I know what he thinks.

Sadly, despite all my educating, dh still thinks that circ is a valid parental choice (with anesthesia though). I think in his case he falls into the "parents do a hell of a lot worse things to their kids than circ and my circ is just fine thanks" category. I think there's a ton of denial, plus hurt that he thinks that I think that his penis is not all it could be (it's come up in counseling). He's just not interested in restoration and I can't push it, which I respect although I'm sad about it.

He's totally on-board with leaving our kids intact, and in fact tried his very best to get his brother not to circ their son (but failed). I think if you asked him as a stranger at this point, he'd tell you it's totally unnecessary and extremely painful. But he just can't seem to take that last step towards admitting that circumcision is wrong. I wish he would, as it's uncomfortable to me to have such an important topic that we don't fully see eye to eye on, as we agree on most other important topics, but I've had to let it go for the sake of our marriage.
post #11 of 80
My parents did not know that they had a choice. I was circumcised as a matter of routine by the doctor without asking my parents. Given the choice, I believe that they would have requested that I be circumcised. It was the thing to do in the 50's. Everyone was doing it. You did not question the doctor.

I would NEVER circumcise a son. A boy or man should decide this for himself. I have taught my daughters to be pro-intact, should they ever have sons. Unfortunately, I never had a son, but I have successfully encouraged a number of friends to leave their sons intact. Even one who was going to circumcise his 6 year old -- just in case.
post #12 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post
I will try to get dh to answer but he is so sick of hearing me on my : about circ
Oh boy, do I feel your pain. Scootch on over, because I'm in the same boat! :

I'll try to ask DH again this evening, but I doubt that I'll get any other answer besides, "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, not again", which will be followed by an eye roll, then his head into his hands, and lastly, "seriously, WHY do you care so much?!?!". Yep, mark my words
post #13 of 80
My husband absoultely feels it is a violation of bodily integrity and NOT a parent's right to circumcise a child.

When we were dating and I was beginning to get the impression that he could be a serious partner, I asked his opinion on issues important to me such as birthing location, co sleeping, breastfeeding and circumcision. On the subject of circ, he said "NO WAY, and frankly, I'd like mine back!" That was the moment that I seriously knew he was marriage material.
post #14 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frootloop View Post
I'll try to ask DH again this evening, but I doubt that I'll get any other answer besides, "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, not again", which will be followed by an eye roll, then his head into his hands, and lastly, "seriously, WHY do you care so much?!?!". Yep, mark my words
Sounds about like me and my DH! Whenever I try to bring up my thoughts on circumcision or tell him about something I read about it, he just sort of rolls his eyes at me and says something along the lines of, "OMG Christina, do you have to talk about this again? Give it a rest! You got what you wanted - our son isn't circumcised. We agreed on it and I'm fine with it, but it's not a huge deal or anything, so let it go already! Why do you care what other parents do?" So, I guess that about sums it up for him - he does see it as a parental choice and thinks that parents should be able to circ their sons if they think it's "healthier" or "cleaner." He does advocate for proper pain relief and informed consent, which is something, but has no problem with the actual procedure itself. *Sigh* I'm glad he is 100% on board with leaving our son intact (and any future ones) but sometimes I feel slightly frustrated that he doesn't really fully get it.

post #15 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by DJay View Post
My parents did not know that they had a choice. I was circumcised as a matter of routine by the doctor without asking my parents. Given the choice, I believe that they would have requested that I be circumcised. It was the thing to do in the 50's. Everyone was doing it. You did not question the doctor.
Pretty much the same here, except I was born in the mid 60's. I don't think until there was a court case in the early 70's that they even bothered getting signed consent from the parents at a lot of hospitals...they just went ahead and did it. When I finally confronted my mother about it six years ago, she pretty much said the same thing; she didn't think you HAD a choice. However, my father was european-born, intact and, unfortunately, very anti-semitic. I'm not proud of the latter part but part of me always wonders if it HAD been presented as a choice to my parents if I might have had a chance. But given the context it happened in I have very mixed feelings toward them because I don't really think they made a conscious "choice" to have my penis mutilated. I would definitely feel much more upset with them if they had.

And mutilated it was. They got talked into re-circ'ing me when I was in the first grade. After that, and I now know because of that circ, they did a "procedure" to fix the meatal stenosis I developed. I had to go to a urologist this year for kidney stones. Part of that treatment invloved inserting "probes" and a stent. The dr. termed me to STILL have a case of meatal stenosis. He even admitted it wasn't uncommon for it to tighten up AGAIN, even after supposedly being "fixed." I suppose it wasn't the end of the world since, as the dr. said, "At least it looks like you can pee ok." But evidently it wasn't quite enough to insert a standard probe....and having that part of your anatomy "dilated".... VERY painful. :

I've never gotten much pleasure out of my wreck of a penis. It's become even worse in the last few years, and I'm still relatively young. I'm positive it's why I've never really pursued relationships seriously and it's doubtful I'll ever have children.

Do I think parents have the "right" to assume these kind of risks to their child's genitals? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Until the individual who OWNS the penis can give informed consent and is willing to assume the risks themselves it ought to be illegal.
post #16 of 80
He does NOT think it's a valid choice. However he doesn't blame his parents because they were not GIVEN a choice- it was just done.

-Angela
post #17 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by phdmama06 View Post
Sounds about like me and my DH! Whenever I try to bring up my thoughts on circumcision or tell him about something I read about it, he just sort of rolls his eyes at me and says something along the lines of, "OMG Christina, do you have to talk about this again? Give it a rest! You got what you wanted - our son isn't circumcised. We agreed on it and I'm fine with it, but it's not a huge deal or anything, so let it go already! Why do you care what other parents do?" So, I guess that about sums it up for him - he does see it as a parental choice and thinks that parents should be able to circ their sons if they think it's "healthier" or "cleaner." He does advocate for proper pain relief and informed consent, which is something, but has no problem with the actual procedure itself. *Sigh* I'm glad he is 100% on board with leaving our son intact (and any future ones) but sometimes I feel slightly frustrated that he doesn't really fully get it.

Yep, he sounds very much like my hubby!!!

One of the main issues standing in my way of getting into it really deep with DH is the fact that we will have no children together. I had already had two children before we married and he has never had any of his own. My babymaking material is broken, therefore in his eyes, unless something happens to me, he and I will never truly need to settle this as we will have no more children. He feels no need to even discuss it. His penis is "just fine as it is". End of story.

Now, in my eyes, whether we could have more children or not, I still want him on our side.. I want him to understand where we're coming from. God forbid, if anything does happen to me or we ever split up, I want to make sure that he doesn't let this happen to any of his possible future sons. He's just so darn bullheaded..
post #18 of 80
Is a RIC a valid parental choice?

Legally? Yes, unfortunately.

Ethically, morally, and compassionate? No way. Its not right to cut healthy tissue of off a minor for any reason.

What my parents had done to me was wrong and my wife and I are paying the price. I suppose I would be less angry if they would admit they made a mistake and that the doctor lied to them. They're the type that like to have their parenting choices validated. I'll bet it just burns them up that none of their grandchildren will be cut.
post #19 of 80
I do not think it should be a parental choice.
post #20 of 80
My dh was born in TX in 1963 we both strongly doubt his parents were even asked about his circ, it was just done as a matter of course. As both dh's parents had passed before we had ds and he saw what an issue this can be it's not something he could even talk with them about.
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