i just want it to be about me -- ramble

[Momma Aimee]

ok i know that is TOTALLY selfish -- and i would never say it oput loud.

but at 2 am last night....

I am EVERYTHING to EVERYONE all -- i mean ALL -- the time. Soon I will be everythign to the baby too .....

Last night DH came home from work complaing of not feeling good - ragweed is killing all 3 of us -- i have been all out sick since Friday but no one notices, i tell DH and it is in one ear and out the other. DS is sick too, and of course only momma can take care of him. sooooooooo DH says let's eat and then all go to bed with DS goe sto bed.

fine

DH offeres to make dinner, not however anything i like, DS melts down not to get to go in the kitchen with daddy -- so i make dinner so DH can sit on the sofa and stare at the tv in the same room as DS -- DS is happy.

then i give DS some meds, change him fro bed and start to rock him in the recliner.

DH dissapears, pratices his bow, plays on teh internet, and so on. 90 minutes later he comes and sits down -- DS still cranky and fighting me -- DH falls asleep on the sofa -- not out of the norm -- i am sorry but it really really really POS me when he falls asleep before I get Theo to sleep -- jusat a real pet peve of mine.

I take Theo up to bed, and tell DH "DO what you want"

I finally get DS to sleep, i get to pee AGAIN and DH is reading bow hunting stuff on the Net. and hour later i get up to pee AGAIN and DH is reading a bow hunting book. then DH comes to bed -- well after 10, so much for the family 8 pm bed time. he tosses and turnes and complains about how c^&py he feels, no s&*t me too -- but doesn't ask how i feel, or seem to listen when i tell him.

so by 12 they are both out asleep. DH's legs acorss mine. DS arms around my neck, my face shoved into his chest and his toes in my tummy. I can't move, my body aches, my body aches now if i lay in one place over 30 mintes -- i wake up all night in pain trying to move a little here to there to get reflief without waking up DS - generally fail and have to spend 15 to 20 minutes gettign him back to sleep. I am getting NO sleep. I would leave the bed, but DS won't sleep unless glued to me -- and yes i am totally freaked about the baby and how this is gonna work -- DS was SUPPSOED to strat cuddlign with DH at night as soon as night weaned ... nw in JUNE and it is almost Oct and he is still glued to me.

You know i am all about being a mom. but ... i would like to be a little special, a little. As soon as the baby gets here it is gonna get 100 worse, life is gonna be really nuts.

When my mom was here last weeek DH didn't even take me out to dinner without ds....the only time we can go out alone is when mom is here, we do not have a baby sitter....................

i just feel like the nanny that the daddy gets to f-k 4x a week...............

only my sister has sent me a baby gift for this baby (wonderful hand made quilt) and mom has gotten us a couple of oneies and a blanket -- but she got Theo a whole new bedroom and is taking 3 weeks vacation time to come be here and take care of me and Theo and she was here last week to clean my whole house. no one else has even sent a card ... no one on dh's side has done ANYTHING, called, sent a card, anything. MIL never asks how i am feeling, how the baby is she jsut wants to B&*ch about the names and everything else (circ and so on).

This is my last baby -- this is it.

I feel so bad all the time,

I just want something to be about me.

Aimee



so last night i was awake till past 3.

[sorteep]

oHHHH, sweetie, I am so sorry... we understand and appreciate ALL that you do 9even if nobody else does)... many hugs.. maybe carve out a tiny tiny bit of "you time" during the day.. even 10-15 ins can help..

you poor thing

laura
ps 4x a week !! cut that boy OFF , girl, you need rest!

[Curlita]

Aimee, honey, I don't think you are selfish at all. It sounds like you take on an awful lot in your house. Not that unusual for a mom, I guess, but I think you are entitled to say no (even to your babies) once in a while and assert your own needs.

I think that a lot of us wait for our SO's to realize that we are carrying all of it for everyone... but unless we speak up loud and clear to say, "I'm tired, I'm achey, I don't feel like DTD, (or Hey, get over here, I feel like DTD! LOL)I need you to put the baby to bed while I take a bath, I need you to get OFF THE FREAKIN' COMPUTER," or whatever else it is, they might not ever come to the realization on their own.

Big hugs.

[Momma Aimee]

cutting DH off...........

well

I am cutting him off at week 36 to try to keep the baby in till week 39.5 when i mom gets here, since she is takeing 3 weeks to come stay wiht us -- she can't come before Nov 3 due to obligation at home she has to take care of before coming........

and

DTD that much is as much in my defese as anything -- boy oh boy does he get MOODY when he doesn't get it ............... and on one hand i don't USALLY mind -- i just kinda show up, very little effort on my part i jsut get sooooooooooooooooooo itred of him gettign what he wants and i don't get anything.

but

i suffer more than him if i cut him off and his mood gets dark purple -- YK?



I HAVE told him -- he doesn't get it -- he takes it all as a personal attack and we get into some stupid, repeative, fioght about " what is so bad about your life, I must really suck as a husband......" whatever.

or ...... the thing is he jsut doesn't see it -- we speak differnt launges of love i guess ...... he HONESTLY thinks that the 9 hours he spent Saturday outside working on the patio and the landscapeing -- so had to choose to take T outside with him and fight a 22 month olf boy who wants to do everything daddy does and get ever tool daddy uses .... or keep him inside while he cired at teh window --- were FOR ME. "i want the h osue to look nice for you, i want to fisnish things up for you...." he honestly thinks that when he works all all his projects (not the shelves i want hung, or the toddler locks i need installed, so the stuff on MY list) that he is doing it for me........ : : : :

I have treid to tell him, and it doesn't work.

[renaissanceed]

Aimee, Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you.

Honestly, I think I know how you feel as my DH sounds a lot like yours (although he doesn't have the excuse of carrying a gun to get out of night time parenting - he's just avoided doing any, so it's not expected of him).

Sometimes I feel like a total doormat, since I 'let' him go out with his friends 1-2 times a week, and I often go out on my own with DD to LLL meetings or to our weekly potluck event or to the playground, so he can have 'alone time' in the house. Not to mention that when he does spend time with DD (usually once a month when I go out scrapbooking in the afternoon), he complains about how hard it is to parent for that much time (ooh, 4 hours in a row, you poor thing).

I don't know if there is a solution to this - I do think that we do need to make our needs known, but I do find that often this ends up with an argument, because I can never ever figure out the right way to broach any topic according to DH, so instead of having a discussion, I am nagging him, in his opinion. Honestly, I don't think I am, but I think he perceives any discussion of any change in how things are done as criticism of him and he can't take it. He really needs a lot of 'me' time and doesn't seem to care if I get any. So, I don't know if you would get the same thing if you did try to tell him things such as - stop reading your book/get off the internet and sit on the floor and play with your offspring for goodness sake!

I often think that perhaps communal living is the way to go and DD would attach to more than one person and be happy to be with someone else for 1/2 an hour so I could cook/clean or even read (!!!) in peace.

Again, I feel for you and just wanted to send some "I'm definitely thinking about Aimee" vibes your way.

[GearGirl]

I think it might help to have a schedule, for instance dh and I switch off every other night putting the kids to bed. Then, no conversation needed "it's your night honey" and then you might need to leave the house the first few times!

[Momma Aimee]

Honestly, I don't think I am, but I think he perceives any discussion of any change in how things are done as criticism of him and he can't take it.

Mine too -- i can't seem to talk about anything -- help i need, work that needs to be done, anything -- without it being either i am yelling at him (I have yelled 2 times in our marraige, turst me, but any TONE at all is "yelling) or i am nagging him, or he goes all defesive and "yes i am horrid husband...." and we get no where but a fight.

I KNOW MIL was an emonital wreck, and likly emotionally abusive or at least faily out of control, and i know DH is beyond super sensitive -- but -- uhhhhhhhggggggggg it is like i can't talk to him at all about anything ever .....

and I try to give him time and space, so he doesn't have to feel like he works, comes home and works again --

i just feel like there is nothing about aimee, nothing about pregant aimee.

I know i am not alone, and actually have it a lot better than a lot of women, i shuldn't compain

[Curlita]

Originally Posted by renaissanceed

I don't know if there is a solution to this - I do think that we do need to make our needs known, but I do find that often this ends up with an argument, because I can never ever figure out the right way to broach any topic according to DH, so instead of having a discussion, I am nagging him, in his opinion. Honestly, I don't think I am, but I think he perceives any discussion of any change in how things are done as criticism of him and he can't take it.

This sounds really familiar... I think the only difference in my situation is that we pay someone $85 an hour to sit there and mediate while I verbalize my needs and listen to Jonny talk about how he feels about my needs. Fortunately, Jonny is willing to go to therapy and *that* doesn't need to be a battle. But yeah, husbands tend to hear "I need" as "You suck!"

[GinaRae]

Aimee, this might sound really tough, but hear me out. Your husband has a hand and a brain, he can take care of himself.

This type of sexual thing is actually abusive because against what you and your son needs, your husband needs to "get off" and does so even when everyone else needs a break. When the baby comes, it's going to be even harder sometimes.

With Theo at 22 months, it's time for him to STOP having sex with you when you're trying to soothe your son. To me that's just rotten. Most guys will go limp when they know their two-year-old might be aware of what they're doing, so I am worried that he's too detached from parenting when he "needs" sex. Soon Theo could see things and start trying to re-enact them.

My ex husband was sexually abusive. I am not saying your hubby is as bad as mine was, but I can draw a parallel here. He threw his little fits and kept me up until I finally would give in at 2 or 3am just to shut him up. I spent years letting him have sex with me when I didn't want it and in the end I hated him for it and actually felt violated. I could have just said no and forced some change on him.

And your hubby should be reasonable enough to realize what he is doing is abusive. You're not a toy for him to use when he cannot get to sleep.

There's a lot of compromise in relationships, so if he wants sex when you're pregnant and tired, then he had better do more than sit on the couch sleeping or reading something online. Falling asleep on the couch forces his body to mess up, so of course he then cannot get to sleep until midnight!

He's going to need to make the effort to take you out to dinner when you have the sitter and to make you feel special. My best friend in NY has a hubby that is very similar to your hubby and has two kids. She does it all herself and it's gotten to the point that she is only staying because of the kids. Her husband just works and hunts and falls asleep on the couch.

He doesn't help do much of anything so of course her kids want only her. She works, goes to nursing school and takes care of the boys. The husband gets the sex several times per week and gets to help make big decisions. Once in a while he does something like painting the house and mowing the lawn. She's miserable.

I am worried that in the long haul, you're going to burn out.

[GinaRae]

Speaking of nagging when we need to convey needs, I have found that notes help. I warned my husband ahead of time that I was going to start doing this.

He was emotionally abused as a child, so anything I said sounded like his mother nagging him. He's had to work on those issues and I have had to come gently in the back door to find a way to deal with him on his terms. We've been together 7 years and we finally started figuring it out the last 2-3.

For the most part we've gotten SO good at communicating, but there are times (especially during the first 5 months of this pregnancy) when we just aren't grooving.

Sometimes I need him to do stuff or hear me out about something but he thinks I am nagging or is so overwhelmed, if I open my mouth he doesn't hear what I am actually saying or he just wants to get away.

So I can leave a very very simple note. No emotion if it's a list of to-dos, or emotion if I need to get something off my chest. Then he can digest what I am saying on his terms and when he's ready, if he is, he can tend to what's on the note.

Thing is, respect is a huge issue. My husband really respects me (even when I sometimes think he doesn't) and those notes he absorbs. A man would need respect for his partner if that is to work. I could see some men rolling their eyes and ignoring the notes!

[GinaRae]

With Theo at 22 months, it's time for him to STOP having sex with you when you're trying to soothe your son. To me that's just rotten. Most guys will go limp when they know their two-year-old might be aware of what they're doing, so I am worried that he's too detached from parenting when he "needs" sex. Soon Theo could see things and start trying to re-enact them.

Just to clarify here, most of us are co-sleepers and we have to be crafty! I'm not poo-poo'ing messing around with the babe in the same bed or same room. At some point the babe gets too old to be nearby though and the dad needs to at the very least be reactive to this.

[StacieM]

I'm sorry. I can relate to how you feel. I think these feelings get majorly escalated when we are sick or tired.

I remember being soooooo annoyed because whenever DH was sick and stayed home from work, he slept all day. Didn't need to do anything. Yet when I'm sick, he has to work, so I still have to get up and get all the kids to school and such and watch our son (not in school yet) all day...and then they all have the nerve to ask ME whats for dinner when they know I'm not feeling well and I'm still up and around doing laundry and such. Yeah...there's no sick days for moms. I feel like I'm just not allowed to get sick because that only makes my life harder.

I must admit that my DH has gotten much much better than when we had just one or two kids. He helps out a lot more now and is more considerate of me and everything I do. Sometimes it just takes them a while to "get it."

I also find that the way we communicate makes a big difference. Even if I think I shouldn't have to ask for something to be done (because it's just so obvious to me) I find I get much more help when I politely ask for help with it instead of get all worked up and explode about it or do it grumpily enough that the rest of my family gets the idea that I'd like some help with doing stuff rather than being the only one with a bunch of stuff to do while the rest of them sit around the living room watching tv.

But this whole issue is something that DH and I have talked about many, many, many times over the years. It's also something I got a new perspective of after I worked 40 hours a week too and still had to come home and do house/family stuff. I know it's not easy and I now have an idea of how DH probably feels when he comes home. KWIM?

Being a mom to young kids IS tough. But it's worth it and it will hopefully get better for you like it has for me. My DH and I hardly go anywhere by ourselves either....we only make childcare arrangements for special occasions. My mom has her dad that she's looking after because someone always needs to be home with him. My dad has kids younger than mine, and my in-laws have as many kids as us still living in the house ages 2-14....so there really isn't anyone that can watch all of ours on a whim. We have to reserve our requests for events, occasions that we really want to go to.


I can also totally relate to everyone's comments on how we try to say things to our DH and it comes out sounding completely different to them. I read that book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and the funny thing is that when I try some of what's in there....it does seem to help.

Anyway - like I said, I hope things get better. Sometimes you just have to be super specific with men. They think they are doing what we want and it's so far off.

[sorteep]

I agree with GinaRae... beig mean/ nasty in retaliation for not getting sex as often as he wants it is a form of emotional abuse as well as manipulation(DH1 did it to me ALL the time so I , also, "did what I had to do" almost daily to keep him happy) you WILL resent it in time if you don't already and that's a recipe for disaster..

there are SO many options for "keeping him happy" in that department that are much more respectful for you and your son, creativity, respect adn a sense of humor are all good tools (don't overlook "toys" there not just for girls anymore!!!! check out the FleshLight.. trust me...) anyway, my point, it makes me sad that you are DTD often just to keep him from being mean to you.. that worries me... again many hugs... we're here


Being a SAHD for 8 yrs did WONDERS for my DH's respect of women and moms and working moms.. he's still a "guy" but he "gets it" a lot more now having lived it... it should abe a Dad requirement for at least 6 mos to "do it all" .. *sigh* not gonna happen... hugs