feeling angry, selfish, lonely, misunderstood, and hopeless

[shell024]

This is so utterly frustrating!!!!!!!!

I feel like things are bad, but not bad enough to warrant asking for help. I know that sounds dumb, but here are my true feelings: I don't feel like I have the right to interrupt other people's busy lives so that they can help me with mine. My Dp does not understand and is at times selfish because of it, like he thinks I am just "acting out" and being moody. He makes me feel bad, and I feel stupid demanding more and more help from him.

I wish I DIDN"T HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP! I wish it just appeared. Why is it so hard? And we only have Medicaid, and out here it sucks, I seriously doubt it would cover any type of therapy and stuff. We have NO extra money, I'm sick of borrowing money, and again, don't know how or where to ask for help.

And I am scared that if I do ask for help, I will just be told to go on drugs and get a haircut. I really am terrified of medications, I don't even have a bottle of tylenol in the house. I am scared I will become dependent on it, that it will mess with my body chemistry and make me, I dunno....weird? A lot of it is probably ignorance about medications...but it is really unsettling for me to think about it.

I was even hesitant to post this because I have reached out in the past, and got almost no response. It was very discouraging and just reinforced my fear of asking for help.

What really sucks is that I feel like my situation isn't THAT bad, that its just parenthood and that I need to suck it up...but I find myself saying in my head over and over "I can't do this. I need help." or "Where is everybody? Why does this have to be so hard, and so lonely?"

I dont know where to turn. All my friends have kids themselves and it feels wrong of me to ask them to stop taking care of their families to help take care of mine.

How do you deal with these feelings??

Support, advice, suggestions all welcome please. Thanks!

[MeredithMommy]

awwww. I'm so sorry mama! I'm really having a hard time now too. I feel so bad, but I don't want to take meds either. I've tried telling everyine that I am tired and I need a break, but it seems like no one real hears what I am saying. They are all too wrapped up in their own lives to understand, and I feel really selfish for asking in the first place. So no advice here, but a little comiseration never hurt anyone!

[emdeecee_sierra]

Wanted to respond with a big ! I can relate to wanting help to just appear, why do we have to ask for it? I'm sorry you are feeling this way, and that your DP isn't being as supportive as could be. Do you think it would help if you gave him some of the info from the stickies above, so that he would be more aware that you aren't just complaining, that this is legitimate and you need some more support at least for a while until you are feeling better? That this is serious but also temporary? I'm also right there with you about the meds. I'm so careful and leery of any meds, and don't want to just be told, "Here, take these pills and you'll be all better." I worry- what about side effects, what about finally getting off the meds, what happens then? All those questions *sigh*. Maybe there are some other avenues you could try- make sure you are eating a balanced diet, perhaps have your thyroid checked to rule that out? Also maybe reading some books about PPD might help. Make you feel less alone in this as well as maybe give some suggestions on easing your load for a while, also more info for your DP on how things are for you right now and how he can help. Several years back I read one written by Marie Osmond; plus I'm sure there are others.
Sending big s your way, Mama. Hang in there!

[shell024]

Thanks, I will look into some books...I I'm going to call around to find out what my Medicaid will cover.

[savvybabygrace]

mama. I know that it's difficult to ask, but sometimes we all need some help. I have an impossible time of asking, but finally broke down last night and called my parents sobbing. They came over immediately, and said to me "If you needed help, all you had to do was ask!". They didn't even realize that I was needy until then.

Perhaps people in your life will be more than happy and very willing to lend a hand, all you need to do is find the courage to reach out. As for your friends, instead of thinking that you are taking them away from their own families, I suggest maybe setting up playdates at one of your houses and using that as a means to get some things done - while your friend supervises the kids, maybe you can take a shower or bubble bath? Do laundry or dishes? Go for a run or a walk, take a trip to a favorite store? And then next time you can supervise the kiddos while your friend takes advantage of some mommy time. Don't let yourself believe that every one of your friends is okay all the time. Every mommy could use some backup, even if it's just to be together while you take care of your children.

And as for your hesitation to take meds, I completely understand. I did everything I could holistically before finally resorting to zoloft a week ago, and that's only because I had a complete breakdown day in and day out. Whatever you decide, we'll be here to support you.

Wishing you a peaceful night....PM if you want!
Kier

[coleslaw]

I'm right with ya! I have a friend who would help, yet she has kids, her house is a mess and never asks me for help. I can't keep going to her! I'm thinking about hiring a housecleaner. I'm not sure if we can afford it, but I'm not sure we can't. I try to look for a babysitter, but that hasn't worked out yet.

Could you do a co-op with other mamas? A babysitting swap? Or maybe a co-op for cleaning or cooking? or all three? Maybe there are moms groups out there that have that sort of thing set up already. If you joined and got to know people, you may feel comfortable being a part of it.

I know for me, it's not easy to even do the things I suggested. It feels like a huge risk, something I sometimes can't handle, but it may be rewarding. Just some thoughts from my side of the computer.

[Genesis]

If you feel like you are getting worse as time goes by, I would really consider medication if I were you. I waited months too long to get on medication, and it got to a very scary point. No advice on the asking for help though, sorry. I have a real hard time with that too. No one in my family (besides DH) even knows I have PPD.

Good luck with everything.



Michele