Need help with DH and discipline of DS

[Mama_2_Boy]

My son is 32 months. We have never (yet) had the experience of a tantrum however he does try to have an "outlet" in other means. This only occures when he is very tired...he becomes extremley 'busy'...getting into things, going against us when we tell him to stop when he normally would. My problem is that DH gets very frustrated and ubrupt with DS. He will be very firm with the "no...don't do that...stop it!" or what have you. I have told DH "he is tired that is why he is acting out of sorts"...my DH retorts with "it doesn't matter, no means no and he has to learn". Now this line of thinking does not sit well with me. Maybe I am wrong, maybe DS should be learning that "no means no" but my instincts tell me otherwise. I have tried reading the article that was posted in parenting magazine on tantrums, but that is not my concern here. My concern is, how do I explain to DH that the "no means no" is a bunch of crap. When DS is acting out, no means "if I keep doing it, mama or papa are going to stop me". At any rate, I am not looking to get into a battle on this, I really would like to find some sound advice that I can share with DH that he can comprehend, because he keeps sticking to this point of "he has to learn". Is this really the only route to teaching DS what no means?
HELP?

[iowaorganic]

Eh- I am going through the exact same thing with my DD and DH. Except she is 21 mo and "no means no means a spanking". Totally not cool with me. Looking for the same answers.... :

[hubris]

My DH and I went through a year or two when I was discovering who I was as a parent and doing a lot of reading, but he wasn't quite ready to think about his own parenting philosophy yet, and he didn't understand the GD ideas that I was discovering. I managed to get through to him by reading quotes to him from the Faber/Mazlish "How to Talk..." book, then worked him up to reading passages I chose from books like Dr. Sears' "The Discipline Book", and eventually he was ready to read "Unconditional Parenting" (Alfie Kohn) on his own. It was a slow process but now he actually *gets it* and it makes parenting (and our marriage) much easier.

I think often men need to read something that backs up your philosophy, somehow it sinks in better than just hearing it from their wife.

[LilyGrace]

I have to say, I agree sorta with your dh. : I find it fully appropriate to expect my words to be listened to. Granted, there's leeway when they are tired, but if I say no or redirect away from something, then I'm not going to take that back later and change my mind usually. It's just too inconsistent with toddlers.

Is your dh open to other ways of showing "no" ? There's options like redirection, removing from the area, guiding, etc. that all show 'no', but in a way that a very tired (and off to nap) little one can understand better. I know when I'm tired, words become just words, but actions have more of an impact.

[Mama_2_Boy]

Originally Posted by LilyGrace

...I find it fully appropriate to expect my words to be listened to....

Don't get me wrong...I expect my words to be listened to as well. However, like I said, when he is tired I cut him a little slack and don't have the expectation that he is going to conform to my request, nor do I get upset when he doesn't. DH doesn't entirley agree with the whole "re-direct" approach, he feels that that is not teaching him anything.

[Mama_2_Boy]

Double post

[cutekid]

If No means no..as it does in my house and my DS is tired, then its time for bed. I am not a big fan of wasting my breath, so if I know my DS is tired I Don't tell him NO or stop, I tell him that his behavior lets me know that its time to get ready for bed. The same for your DH, point out to him that its time for bed, and to redirect your son to that activity. Don't even use the word "No or STOP" that.
Careful with the language here, because it could come off as a punishment for "bad" behavior.

HTH.

Denise

[anne+arun]

I dont expect or demand that my words are listened to by my children but I strive to listen and connect with them and in doing so my words tend to hold real weight in their world (not all the time though!). My dd now 5yrs, can be extremely lateral in her approach to a "no" now... Amazingly frustrating when i dont want to explain or think of alternatives, but i would not have it any other way.

That said –*I really get where your dh is coming from... because i used to live there. Im a dad who used to bow down to the "parenting gods of consistency", boundaries etc etc.. Such things were my mantra and cause for friction between myself and my dp.

The change? At the time I started seeing how dd was modeling my behaviour of control and what i would now call inflexibility in her play with other children.

That was the catalyst for a lot of reading (agree with hubris here) and me literaly turning my parenting philosophy on its head. The start for me was Gordons' Parent Effectiveness Training – he has some great stuff on the limits of consistency. Its a good starting point as one of the more mainstream alternative approaches. Then Kohn (unconditional parenting) is also fantastic for the sceptic brain who wants academic studies thrown into a conversational style.

But it really is up to your dh to be open to change... I think I would have shifted earlier but at the time i saw the only option as being permissive. It might be useful to draw your dh out more on these issues to find out his underlying concerns & fears

Its not totally relevent to your situation which is obviously about gd... but i wrote a manual for unschooling mums in dealing with (still developing) unschooling dads here which might have some ideas & strategies for you in dealing with dh on the gd stuff (you'll have to mentally edit out the homeschooling stuff).

Finally, i found it interesting your dh says that your ds "has to learn". I guess the question to ask your dh here is should your ds learn to follow authority figures (right now its you ... but eventually it might be peers or who knows who), or learn how to think and engage dynamically and flexibly in each situation that arises. If i was to be brutal... the question posed is does he want to raise an obedient dog or a thinking person!?!!

Of course your son at 32 months is still young and i get that the ability to engage & discuss rationally is still at its early stages... however reminding your dh of that goal might encourage him to lay down different foundations now.

stick with it... we males are a bit slow at times but are not always hopeless cases

arun

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