"Go away, Daddy! I don't like you!"

[EnviroBecca]

EnviroKid (2 years 9 months) has been saying this at least once a day for a couple of months. Usually it's not at the height of a conflict; it's in one of these three situations:

1. DADDY: Good morning!
KID: : Go away, Daddy! I don't like you!

2. ME: We're home!
DADDY: Hello! How's it going?
KID: : Go away, Daddy! I don't like you!

3. (Everything is harmonious until EnviroDaddy makes a calm, reasonable effort to alter EnviroKid's behavior.)
DADDY: You may not put my camera in the bathtub. Water is not good for electrical--
KID: NO!!! NO!!! Go away, Daddy! I don't like you!

EnviroDaddy tries not to react badly to it, but it does hurt his feelings. When it's first thing in the morning or as soon as we get home for the evening, both parents struggle against feeling like it sets the tone for that whole portion of the day.

I've seen suggestions for how to respond to "I don't like you!" in previous discussions, and I think EnviroDaddy has tried all of them at one time or another, with minimal success...but give me your best ideas again so I can make sure!

My bigger concern is, what is causing this? EnviroKid has almost never said it to me. I'd like to think this is because I'm such a superior parent :, but in a typical day my strong-willed toddler and I do argue several times, and I don't always handle it beautifully...and my impression that I am more reasonable and flexible and use my nice voice more than EnviroDaddy is just not trustworthy, since I can't see/hear myself objectively! EnviroKid does at times yell at me, refuse to do what I say, etc., but he very rarely tells me to go away or says he doesn't like me. When he's really upset and arguing full tilt, he responds about the same way to either parent. This particular exclamation is used almost exclusively when he first sees his dad or at the very first hint that his dad may not let him do anything he wants.

Of course I've tried asking EnviroKid what's going on, but although he asks "Why?" all the time, so far he does not answer "Why" questions with any further information, just says, "Because I don't like him! He should go away!"

There ARE times almost every day when they get along together just fine. It's only a temporary rejection. But it's so frequent and seems so unprovoked that I think there must be some underlying problem.

[mommy2abigail]

Are you me?! We are going through the SAME thing. Totally unprovoked, just random being 'mean' to daddy. I know she loves him, and I dont want to 'force' her to 'be nice', but sheesh! Dh just wants to love on her and play and give me a break every now and again! First thing in the morning, she pushes him away with her feet. Not kicking per se, but pushing and shoving with her feet. Wont let him get her milk, breakfast, take her potty, ect. The only thing that has helped is them spending more one on one time. I notice the rejection more on weeks where he is working long hours (alot recently) and less on the days he is able to take her for an hour or two or an entire morning to the park, zoo, ect. Hopefully someone will give us better suggestions!

[Roar]

Totally normal. He doesn't really have more sophisticated ways to describe his feelings. He may be thinking "hey I'm all comfortable here with mom and I'm not ready for stuff to change yet". I wouldn't make a big deal of it. I would help him reword it "I'm busy Daddy" or "I'm mad" acknowledge his feelings "you sound frustrated", "it is hard when things change", "you wish you could put the camera in the bathtub", etc.

[veggijessie]

My dd did this also but we figured out the problem. She needed individual time with dh not time with the 3 of us but a daddy - daughter date night. Starting around 3 years old (when we figured it out) they started going out one night a week to the park, for ice cream, for a bike ride, or something where they could interact. They have done this every week for over 3 years and it has helped so much! Just 45 minutes of time will make a world of difference. It has helped her through the birth of siblings and has grown their relationship without me steping in.

[Tinas3muskateers]

Story of my life

ds2 "Mommy I hate you, I no love you no more, you not my best friend"

This is all day, everyday. All I have to do is wake up and I am told all day long how much I am hated, to shut up, to go away, not my friend, etc etc.

Personally I am over it, I really dont like him at this point, so he can hate me all he wants.

[blessed]

I think it's like Roar said: their way of saying 'I feel good here with mom (or alone) and you coming in here feels like a disruption'.

That's fine, but we do ask dd to use kinder language, in a simple no-big-deal kind of way. Which she does/did. I'll just say 'oh honey, that hurts people's feelings to say that you don't like them. It's okay to tell daddy you want to be by your own self right now, but please say it with nice words, okay?'

She's been old enough for that kind of lesson for awhile now, and I think it felt good to her for us to help her find a gentler way to get her needs across.

[CheapPearls]

Originally Posted by Tinas3muskateers

Story of my life

ds2 "Mommy I hate you, I no love you no more, you not my best friend"

This is all day, everyday. All I have to do is wake up and I am told all day long how much I am hated, to shut up, to go away, not my friend, etc etc.

Personally I am over it, I really dont like him at this point, so he can hate me all he wants.

[maryjane]

We have a very similar dynamic. Both boys (4 and 2) "prefer" me to DH, but it's most pronounced with DS1. He will reject DH at times of stress and at the most calm times. It's very disheartening for all of us. When he is one-on-one with DH, he's usually fine. They do a lot of Daddy-and-me things, which is what I usually see recommended to help alleviate this. It doesn't make a difference, though. He always prefers me when I'm around -- for everything from wiping his tush to giving his bath to playing catch with him (even though Daddy is clearly superior at this than me!) And by prefer, I mean, "No, Daddy. NOT YOU! Mommy. I want Mommy to give me my bath." This is said either in an angry tone or a whining tone.

We're struggling with it as well. I hear the "it's normal" thing, I do. That's usually what we tell ourselves. I know we can't make him feel something other than what he feels. But I wish it wasn't this way. And I do think we need to work harder on his delivery with him.

[kate~mom]

this is normal. most kids i know go through the hate-daddy phase. we don't attend much to it around here.

there is hope - my 6 yr old cousin wrote her dad a song when she was four, entitled, "I don't hate you so much anymore."

[AidansMommy1012]

Originally Posted by kate~mom

this is normal. most kids i know go through the hate-daddy phase. we don't attend much to it around here.

there is hope - my 6 yr old cousin wrote her dad a song when she was four, entitled, "I don't hate you so much anymore."

: Oh, that is fantastic!

We're going through the same thing here. I really feel badly for dh; I know it hurts his feelings. We've been working on ds1's delivery as well.

I have to say that it HAS had a role in building quite the bond between dh and cheerful, 14 month old ds2. He's smack in the middle of the Daddy-worship phase. :

[425lisamarie]

Originally Posted by Tinas3muskateers

Story of my life

ds2 "Mommy I hate you, I no love you no more, you not my best friend"

This is all day, everyday. All I have to do is wake up and I am told all day long how much I am hated, to shut up, to go away, not my friend, etc etc.

Personally I am over it, I really dont like him at this point, so he can hate me all he wants.

Oh my this post makes me really sad!

[Snapdragon]

I know, just from perspective, even though I am an adult- Trying for my first child- sometimes I get bratty. and I say, when I am overwhelmed or sad, to my lovely husbad whom I adore- "I hate You!". Luckily this man is very secure and knows I am just responding to my anger/sadness. And when I am feeling like that bratty child, the best response he has given me is to take me into his arms, or just give me his full attention, and he says, "It's okay if you hate me sometimes." Once I have both his full attention, which the kid may be looking for, and also the permission to feel yucky feelings, it usually dissipates quickly.

[mamabear&babybear]

J does this to dh as well. I started to realize that she doesn't understand or can't verbalize the difference between dislike and not wanting something at that time. For instance, this morning she told me she doesn't like sidewalk chalk. She loves sidewalk chalk; she just didn't want to go outside right then to play with it. I usually step in and give her alternative things to say when she tells dh that she doesn't like him. For example:

J will wake up in the morning and dh will start to give her a hug.
J: "No! I don't like you."
Me: "J, do you dislike dad or do prefer to not be hugged right now?"
J: "I don't want a hug right now, Dad. I want to see Mom."

[EnviroBecca]

Tina , you've reached the stage I'm hoping to keep EnviroDaddy out of. Meeting resentment with resentment doesn't do anything to help, but it's such a natural reaction that it's hard to resist!

Any more ideas??

[kbchavez]

Have you read Playful parenting? The author addresses this specifically somewhere in the book. It could be that your son is angry at Daddy for not always being around, so he expresses resentment when he sees Daddy after an absence. It could also just be transition difficulties. I don't remember exactly the techniques that are outlined in the book, but I do remember that the worst thing to do is take the rejection at face value and not engage with the child. There are playful ways to connect that respect the child and allow them to slowly work up to it. I wish I could remember specific examples... but I this book would be extremely helpful in your situation.

That PP where the mom doesn't like her ds anymore was one of the saddest things I ever read. I think the ideas in this book could really help anyone who feels disconnected from their child in this way. Good Luck!

[EnviroBecca]

We haven't read Playful Parenting, but it sounds like it might be helpful, thanks!

the worst thing to do is take the rejection at face value and not engage with the child.

That's been my gut feeling about it, but I can't really explain why. And it's the reaction that comes most naturally to EnviroDaddy, to express his hurt feelings and then go away. We had some more of this over the weekend.

[mamahart]

disengage

My sister lives with me and my DH and our 2 kids. She is a part of our family and is basically a third parent (yay for me) Anyway my 2 yr 9 mo son regularly tells her he doesn't like her and mostly "you're not a good guy, I don't love you" Dad gets it sometimes, go away, you're not my friend anymore etc.
I THINK and just my opinion, that these little ones are trying out different language and expressions, without a lot of meaning behind it. Again, I believe that ignoring those sorts of comments might be a good tactic most of the time. We do a lot of modeling, so I say I love my sister she's a good guy and DS will often follow up his negative statement with an "I love Auntie also mom" but if I directly address the comment and say thats not ok or something like that , then my DS can show me his incredibly stubborn side.

PS TO EVERYONE WHO WAS SAD ABOUT MAMA EXPRESSING DISLIKE FOR HER SON..IT WAS LIKELY A MOMENT THAT WILL OR HAS PASSED. SHE MIGHT JUST NEED A FRIEND. My little boy gave me a bloody nose throwing a toy at me recently and I was pretty psst....I still love him, just didn't like him much that day.

[kbchavez]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

We haven't read Playful Parenting, but it sounds like it might be helpful, thanks!

That's been my gut feeling about it, but I can't really explain why. And it's the reaction that comes most naturally to EnviroDaddy, to express his hurt feelings and then go away. We had some more of this over the weekend.

I feel so sad for you dh! Please encourage him to push past the hurt feelings and persist in reestablishing connection with your dd. In Playful Parenting, Lawrence Cohen talks about how this can damage the relationship between men and their kids. Since the father is usually gone more often, the rejection at "re-entry" is more likely to happen, and many men take it personally. I believe you daughter may be testing him... requiring him to persist in reconnecting. Sort of... "you were gone, now prove you love me!" He has to be the adult and make sure they connect. It shouldn't be up to the child. I don't know where my copy of PP is right now, or I would look up specific things your dh could do... maybe someone else with a copy will chime in...

[Tinas3muskateers]

Originally Posted by 425lisamarie

Oh my this post makes me really sad!

It makes me sad too because its hard to have a kid who constantly tells you how much hates you so I have gotten to the point I tell him

I know you might not like me right now, and thats ok. I love you all the time but I do not like you all the time, We do not have to like each other all the time but I always love you... he then tells me he doesnt love me and I ignore it.

[Tinas3muskateers]

Originally Posted by mamahart

My sister lives with me and my DH and our 2 kids. She is a part of our family and is basically a third parent (yay for me) Anyway my 2 yr 9 mo son regularly tells her he doesn't like her and mostly "you're not a good guy, I don't love you" Dad gets it sometimes, go away, you're not my friend anymore etc.
I THINK and just my opinion, that these little ones are trying out different language and expressions, without a lot of meaning behind it. Again, I believe that ignoring those sorts of comments might be a good tactic most of the time. We do a lot of modeling, so I say I love my sister she's a good guy and DS will often follow up his negative statement with an "I love Auntie also mom" but if I directly address the comment and say thats not ok or something like that , then my DS can show me his incredibly stubborn side.

PS TO EVERYONE WHO WAS SAD ABOUT MAMA EXPRESSING DISLIKE FOR HER SON..IT WAS LIKELY A MOMENT THAT WILL OR HAS PASSED. SHE MIGHT JUST NEED A FRIEND. My little boy gave me a bloody nose throwing a toy at me recently and I was pretty psst....I still love him, just didn't like him much that day.

You nailed it mama... I come online at night and that is the one of the worst parts of the day. He is tired and takes it out on me.
When he wakes up and hasnt gotten a good nights sleep, he takes it out on me, when he is ready for a nap and fighting he takes it out on me, you get the idea. He gives dirty looks, if they could kill I would be dead, he sneers at me, hisses, you name it. A day in the life of me isnt easy sometimes and honeslty I do not like him all the time. I love him forever, but there are days I dont want to be near him. We are working on it though. I am looking into some classes, getting him extra vitaims, still working on the 1, 2, 3 magic, etc.