Your comfort level

[sunnmama]

I am wondering if my comfort level, often determined by my anxieties, unjustly limits problem solving with dd. Sometimes there are solutions--often solutions I read here on the GD board--that I would be uncomfortable with because it would be beyond my comfort level. I guess I am wondering if people who have great success problem solving with dc are low anxiety, very flexible, roll-with-it kind of people? Or have you simply become that way thru necessity?

This is what made me think of it:

Last week, I took dd to class at the community center. Walking in, we were chuckling to see a little girl, about 3 years old, accompanying her brother to his basketball practice--and clad in a t-shirt and panties and sneakers. No pants It was cute, and we smiled. I have absolutely no problem with *that* child wearing that to the community center.

But then I realized, had that been my own child, there is no way I could have gone to the community center with her dressed that way. I would be so concerned about breaking a rule, and one of the young adults working there having to approach me and explain that dd needs pants. I wouldn't be embarassed for me, necessarily. Nor for dd. But actually for the worker : . I just don't want to put people in that position.

So I don't really know what that says. I mean, I thought the other child was fine and cute, but I would have been an anxious wreck if dd had done the same. Why is that? Anyone else have this conflict?

[Nora'sMama]

Sure, but I don't see it as a conflict. Don't think that you need to change what feels comfortable for you in order to practice gentle discipline. Everyone has their boundaries and there's no one set of practices that works for every family.

I'm *totally* like you in that I would see nothing whatsoever wrong w/ a kid being out at a community center with no pants on, but it would never be my child! However, I do not at all see the parents of the pantsless child as somehow being more "free" or GD or whatever, than I am. They have different issues, boundaries, values regarding proper dress, whatever. I'm sure there is something I would let my kid do that they wouldn't. Etc.

[mamaduck]

I don't see a conflict in what you posted either, however -- I wonder to what extent you would go to set boundaries which protect your own comfort zone? If you are more comfortable having your child out fully dressed, and you can manage your child easily enough to enforce that without compromising your GD principles, then I see no problem.

OTOH -- when a parent reaches the point that they feel a need to be punative in order to enforce the boundaries of their comfort zones, then I feel worried and begin to see a conflict. (Am I even making sense???) So say you had a really strong willed child, and you HAD to go out somewhere (like if there was an older sib. who needed to be someplace) and your strong willed child dug in her heels about clothing -- how would you handle it? See -- this is where there is a conflict. And we DO encounter these conflicts, I think. There are times when I have to stop in my tracks and ask myself, is my sense of embarassment worth the power struggle? Is it worth compromising my connection to my kid? Is it worth considering a punative method?? Usually, if the issue is not about safety (or occasionally morality) then my answer is to move out of my own comfort zone.

[Magella]

I don't know if I have "great" success, but as I have learned to expand my comfort zone things have gone more smoothly for us. My child is my greatest teacher. In order to meet her needs, guide her well, and parent her gently I've had to expand my comfort zone (be willing to take risks), be open-minded, be willing to reexamine my expectations/values/beliefs/etc., care less about what others think, and stop measuring my worth/success strictly by the immediate behavior of my child. Sometimes, kids need us to learn to be more flexible.

I think, though, that I'll probably always see people doing things and think "I just don't think I'm comfortable with that at this point." Just different people, different circumstances, different values.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

when a parent reaches the point that they feel a need to be punative in order to enforce the boundaries of their comfort zones, then I feel worried and begin to see a conflict. (Am I even making sense???) So say you had a really strong willed child, and you HAD to go out somewhere (like if there was an older sib. who needed to be someplace) and your strong willed child dug in her heels about clothing -- how would you handle it? See -- this is where there is a conflict. And we DO encounter these conflicts, I think. There are times when I have to stop in my tracks and ask myself, is my sense of embarassment worth the power struggle? Is it worth compromising my connection to my kid? Is it worth considering a punative method?? Usually, if the issue is not about safety (or occasionally morality) then my answer is to move out of my own comfort zone.

:

[mommy2abigail]

I am NOT by nature a low anxiety, roll with the punches kind of gal. I became that way through necessity.
I have no more advice than everyone else, just wanted to let you know that it doesn't come naturally to all of those who practice it. For me, it's a constant thing I am aware of, not intruding my will on my dd. I've had to examine myself over and over again, with a fine tooth comb and get to the heart of some of my 'issues'. I am by nature a control freak. I am learning to let that part of me go.: It's very hard, but no one said parenting was easy, so I guess that's where I need the most growth, yk?

[dubfam]

Yes...I struggle with this. It is one thing that I am trying to overcome.

It is definitely a control issue for me on some levels.

[chfriend]

"I guess I am wondering if people who have great success problem solving with dc are low anxiety, very flexible, roll-with-it kind of people? Or have you simply become that way thru necessity? "

:

Oh, honey....



Okay, sorry....as the moms on MDC who know me IRL can testify, no one mistakes my kids for low anxiety, flexible, roll-with-it people...

Because of them I have grown and changed and re-prioritized and, most importantly, grown a backbone as regards to other people. I am very community minded, but my kids have the right to move in the world without being constantly judged and interfered with.

Amazingly, since I adopted that attitude, people mostly smile at us and say nice things to my kids.

[chfriend]

o no did i kill the thread? :

[AnnaGA]

I'll resurrect the thread!

Oh I have DEFINITELY had to stretch and expand my own comfort zone. At first, I would be totally embarrassed and would rush DS out of a store or restaurant if he started crying or fussing. Now I just let him go, reassuring him and validating his feelings but not giving in (because its usually a matter or safety and something that cannot be compromised - I can budge and compromise on many things, but safety is one that, obviously, I cannot.) DH still gets embarrassed and upset (he thinks everyone is staring and judging us), and can't believe that I can stay so calm.

And about the girl in the panties - I'm like you. Cute, and totally fine, but not my child!

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by chfriend

", no one mistakes my kids for low anxiety, flexible, roll-with-it people...

Because of them I have grown and changed and re-prioritized and, most importantly, grown a backbone as regards to other people. I am very community minded, but my kids have the right to move in the world without being constantly judged and interfered with.

Amazingly, since I adopted that attitude, people mostly smile at us and say nice things to my kids.

nak
bolding mine....oh, no! i meant the parents are low anxiety. not the kids!

but the second part bolded is good food for thought for me.



I've just been doing so much self-reflection lately. Reflecting on me, dd, my parenting....the whole thing. We've been struggling greatly since our recent long-distance move, and I am trying to view it as a catalyst for overall positive change. I am probably overanalyzing things at this point

Thank you for all the thoughts! I'd love to hear more!

[warriorprincess]

I think for things that are a comfort level thing, we can be aware of that and ingrain it so that it doesn't become an issue.
I'm one of those "not comfortable with nudity" people and I just never let me kids go partially ( or wholly) nude around the house. I don't think it's occurred to them to try to go out without pants. ( And they are NOT laid back, calm, kids who always co-operate!)

If something makes us TRULY uncomfortable I don't think we should force ourselves to "give it up".

[Arwyn]

I think it's really important to figure out why something makes you uncomfortable, and then whether you're ok with that reason controlling you/your child's behavior.

Say your child wants to wear stripes with polkadots, and it horrifies you. Then you figure out it's because your mother never let you choose your clothes because she said you had horrid tastes, and to this day you experience paralyzing anxiety getting dressed if anything you wear even slightly resembles this week's People's bad dresser list. Probably this is one area you should go out of your comfort zone.

Or your kid wants to go out without pants, but you're not happy at the thought, and in discussing it with him you realize there's a neighbour you've seen staring out of the window at you a few times in a way you would describe as creepy. Possibly a place worth sticking to your instincts.

But the important thing in my opinion is to find the "why" and then weigh it for value. Does that why reflect the life you want to lead? Then no matter what the specific is, it's worth following--and vice versa.