Hard time for me: non-coersive vs too permissive. - Page 2

[Janelovesmax]

Thank you so much for all the replies.
I just want to reiterate that I don't allow him to be hurtful and disrespectful to others.
I read Naomi Aldorts, Cohen's books. And they were very inspirational to me, but although they sounded great on paper, I'm having a very hard time implementing them in life.
First of all, I do not use "good/bad boy" terminology, I am very careful in the way I express my feelings and use my words. I think the problem is that I find myself being very inconsistent. Thao mama said that I should clearly identify the boundaries and Captain Crunchy was very good to point out that I should see what really bothers ME. The thing is that what bothers me one day, doesn't bother me the next...One day I simply have no energy to correct him and other days I do.
For example: one day I will gently take him off the table, and then the next day it won't even bother me. So I'm clearly sending him mixed messages. So that's something I have to work on myself.

Also, I found myself being very patient with him when he does throw tantrums. Just to clarify: I'm not afraid of them, I just feel sorry for him, I don't want him to be upset.
But Mamaduck is right, it's not my job to control his emotions, I try not to, I know it in theory, just having a hard time with it.

[captain optimism]

I think it's great if you are patient with tantrums. What's bad about that? Gosh, I totally wish I was! You don't want to set limits around tantrums. They aren't bad behavior, exactly--more like something to be averted by providing what's needed, and weathered when they sometimes happen anyway.

Now, some days you don't want him on the coffee table, and other days you don't care. Why?

"Today I feel like you are playing too unsafely on the coffee table and I'd like you to get down before you get hurt."

or

"I cleaned the house for Grandma and Grandpa, so this isn't a good time to be on the coffee table."

or even,

"Sometimes I can handle your wild and crazy play, but I'm really tired now, so let's read Winnie-the-Pooh instead."

All rational things you could say to anyone. You aren't writing laws here! This is your family, not the federal government! Yes, it's easier to have a hard and fast rule about behavior, for everyone. But there is still something a child can learn from "I can't do X right now." Like "we can talk about poopy in the bathroom because that's a bathroom word" or "we can be naked in the bedroom, but it's not appropriate in the living room."

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

The closest I have seen to this description is "Kids are Worth It," by Barbara Coloroso.

In a rush, just wanted to say Yes, this is a great book that I read years ago to learn to parent myself. Great book.

Great discussion.

[hippymomma69]

Another good book with LOTS of practical examples is Liberated Parent, Liberated Child. It's by Faber and Maslisch (sp?) and it's the first book they wrote. They were students of Haim G Ginott and this book is about how their parent group actually applied his teachings...so it's kind of like a practical extended example of his work.

I love it because it makes the theory so much more understandable....now to just do it! LOL
peace,
robyn

[swampangel]

I like what a pp said about it being ok that some days you're ok with him on the coffee table and others not so much. In this case, though, I think it might be easier for you and for him to have a rule about it but that's just me.

We've let our ds jump on furniture until it became a problem (seemed like someone might get hurt or the furniture started to break!). We would explain why the jumping needed to stop and he's usually ok with things if there's a reason behind it.

I had a thought about consistency...it's so often said that it is so important, but it isn't very realistic. It's impossible to be consistent about everything. Life happens and we have to be flexible. Not only circumstances change, but our energy and moods do as well. I think holding ourselves to an unrealistic expectation of consistency is a real setup.

I try to just be fair....own my own stuff (if I'm in a pissy mood, I state that and own that my attitude is my problem not his) and talk things out as much as I can with my ds.

I think if you feel disrespected, that's telling. Just as you are letting him have his emotional reactions, you should value your own and let that guide you to a certain extent.

[abac]

Originally Posted by swampangel

I had a thought about consistency...it's so often said that it is so important, but it isn't very realistic. It's impossible to be consistent about everything. Life happens and we have to be flexible. Not only circumstances change, but our energy and moods do as well. I think holding ourselves to an unrealistic expectation of consistency is a real setup.

I try to just be fair....own my own stuff (if I'm in a pissy mood, I state that and own that my attitude is my problem not his) and talk things out as much as I can with my ds.

I think if you feel disrespected, that's telling. Just as you are letting him have his emotional reactions, you should value your own and let that guide you to a certain extent.

[BonMaman]

having a rough go today, but this thread is helping...

[aiea]

just subbing, thanks for the insights...