Warning: long! (sorry sorry sorry!)
I posted about a week or so ago about my son biting himself. He is still doing it but not as much - last week along with the biting himself he was biting me, spitting at me and on the floor, hitting and generally being insane. Last week we were just trying to survive it. Somehow we did. The weekend was better and Alex gradually was in a better mood. Monday was fantastic - just problems leaving the playground. Yesterday was OK, getting worse as the day went on. Today was also OK, but did have a few more issues.
What I didn't mention before is that Alex started preschool a few weeks ago - two mornings a week at a Montessori preschool. At first he seemed to be settling in fine - then we hit a few bumps and it's gone downhill since then. He's having trouble with it. I'd pull him (it is for childcare but i could work something else out if I had too) but he seems so conflicted and is really trying to work it out - at times he wants to be there, other times he doesn't. So I'm giving him a bit more time to see if he can work through this.
What I've figured out is that Alex is incredibly tuned into my mood and feelings. Last week, and the weeks before that, I was pretty depressed about non-Alex stuff. I was generally unhappy. But friends who saw me lots didn't know it - I was just continuing with normal life because you have to. (Though I did cry one day last week in front of Alex, but that was more a combo of his insanity and my own.) Anyhow, I think last week was a combo of preschool anxiety, my mood and tiredness. This week I've been feeling happier about stuff and I think Alex feels that too.
Today we were having a lovely morning with puppet shows and me relaxing on the sofa while Alex built forts and 'underground houses' with the furniture and my legs. It was great. The only issue was that Alex would jump on me out of the blue - I was able to catch him just in time, but if I didn't it would really really hurt! So I kept telling him to tell me before he was going to jump because blah blah. Sometimes he would, sometimes he wouildn't. He mostly wouldn't. Now I suppose I should have got up so he couldn't keep doing it but we were having a great time and it was our only issue. Finally he jumped without warning and I did catch him, but barely and it hurt. I raised my voice a bit - not even much, honest! He immediately freaks out. I try to calm him down, telling him I'm not angry, but that it hurt and he needs to warn me so we can keep playing. He calms down reasonably quicky. A few minutes later I decide to go make us lunch. He starts running into me as I'm cooking at the stove - that's a no-no! I tell him it's dangerous, try to engage him in a game that only means I need to talk (we play out parts to Green Eggs and Ham - he loves this) - a minute later, he does it again. This time a bit more out of control, like he's on the brink of flipping out. I go down to him again - I was definitely a little more angry than I needed to be, but man, he's 3.5 not 2 (heh), he knows the stove is hot, he really really pushes hard when he bangs into me, I alreadly told him to stop, tried to give him my attention in antoher way, etc etc - was it too much to ask that I could make the lunch he wanted without being burnt?! So I was a bit upset, bent down to talk to him again, and he flips out. Starts spitting on the floor, pushing me more, laughing hysterically, goes to find that cats to chase and says he's going to scare them (another issue we had massively last week), etc. So now I'm pissed. I somehow calm down. I grab his hand so he can't chase the cats. I get down to his level - he spits on me. I swear I must have had some divine intervention or something because I stayed calm. I told him I wasn't angry at him but that I didn't like how he was behaving and asked him what was up and if I could help him somehow. He calms down, but doesn't answer. I said we need to clean the spit off the floor and he very happily went off and cleaned it up. I finished making lunch with no problems.
Can I please scream now?
It seems to me that at any hint of me being upset with him he flips out. Why oh why couldn't he be the type of kid who goes the opposite way, and desperately tries to do everything their parent wants to make them proud?!
So I need to figure out how to help him understand that even if I get angry it doesn't mean I don't love him. We have talked about this - I guess I need to keep at it. I also need to really work on keeping any hint of anger out of my voice for the moment - normally I don't think there is anything wrong with me showing my emotions as long as they are reasonable emotions (last week's were not) but right now he is just so fragile I think I just need to do this to help him get through whatever it is he is going through with school, my mood from last week etc.
Anyhow, any suggestions on how to help him with this? I can't say that it's natural for me to respond to spitting in my face with 'do you need help?' - in fact, it seems really ridiculous!
Thanks if you actually read all this!!
I posted about a week or so ago about my son biting himself. He is still doing it but not as much - last week along with the biting himself he was biting me, spitting at me and on the floor, hitting and generally being insane. Last week we were just trying to survive it. Somehow we did. The weekend was better and Alex gradually was in a better mood. Monday was fantastic - just problems leaving the playground. Yesterday was OK, getting worse as the day went on. Today was also OK, but did have a few more issues.
What I didn't mention before is that Alex started preschool a few weeks ago - two mornings a week at a Montessori preschool. At first he seemed to be settling in fine - then we hit a few bumps and it's gone downhill since then. He's having trouble with it. I'd pull him (it is for childcare but i could work something else out if I had too) but he seems so conflicted and is really trying to work it out - at times he wants to be there, other times he doesn't. So I'm giving him a bit more time to see if he can work through this.
What I've figured out is that Alex is incredibly tuned into my mood and feelings. Last week, and the weeks before that, I was pretty depressed about non-Alex stuff. I was generally unhappy. But friends who saw me lots didn't know it - I was just continuing with normal life because you have to. (Though I did cry one day last week in front of Alex, but that was more a combo of his insanity and my own.) Anyhow, I think last week was a combo of preschool anxiety, my mood and tiredness. This week I've been feeling happier about stuff and I think Alex feels that too.
Today we were having a lovely morning with puppet shows and me relaxing on the sofa while Alex built forts and 'underground houses' with the furniture and my legs. It was great. The only issue was that Alex would jump on me out of the blue - I was able to catch him just in time, but if I didn't it would really really hurt! So I kept telling him to tell me before he was going to jump because blah blah. Sometimes he would, sometimes he wouildn't. He mostly wouldn't. Now I suppose I should have got up so he couldn't keep doing it but we were having a great time and it was our only issue. Finally he jumped without warning and I did catch him, but barely and it hurt. I raised my voice a bit - not even much, honest! He immediately freaks out. I try to calm him down, telling him I'm not angry, but that it hurt and he needs to warn me so we can keep playing. He calms down reasonably quicky. A few minutes later I decide to go make us lunch. He starts running into me as I'm cooking at the stove - that's a no-no! I tell him it's dangerous, try to engage him in a game that only means I need to talk (we play out parts to Green Eggs and Ham - he loves this) - a minute later, he does it again. This time a bit more out of control, like he's on the brink of flipping out. I go down to him again - I was definitely a little more angry than I needed to be, but man, he's 3.5 not 2 (heh), he knows the stove is hot, he really really pushes hard when he bangs into me, I alreadly told him to stop, tried to give him my attention in antoher way, etc etc - was it too much to ask that I could make the lunch he wanted without being burnt?! So I was a bit upset, bent down to talk to him again, and he flips out. Starts spitting on the floor, pushing me more, laughing hysterically, goes to find that cats to chase and says he's going to scare them (another issue we had massively last week), etc. So now I'm pissed. I somehow calm down. I grab his hand so he can't chase the cats. I get down to his level - he spits on me. I swear I must have had some divine intervention or something because I stayed calm. I told him I wasn't angry at him but that I didn't like how he was behaving and asked him what was up and if I could help him somehow. He calms down, but doesn't answer. I said we need to clean the spit off the floor and he very happily went off and cleaned it up. I finished making lunch with no problems.
Can I please scream now?
It seems to me that at any hint of me being upset with him he flips out. Why oh why couldn't he be the type of kid who goes the opposite way, and desperately tries to do everything their parent wants to make them proud?!
So I need to figure out how to help him understand that even if I get angry it doesn't mean I don't love him. We have talked about this - I guess I need to keep at it. I also need to really work on keeping any hint of anger out of my voice for the moment - normally I don't think there is anything wrong with me showing my emotions as long as they are reasonable emotions (last week's were not) but right now he is just so fragile I think I just need to do this to help him get through whatever it is he is going through with school, my mood from last week etc.
Anyhow, any suggestions on how to help him with this? I can't say that it's natural for me to respond to spitting in my face with 'do you need help?' - in fact, it seems really ridiculous!
Thanks if you actually read all this!!
