Protecting Child from Domestic Abuse WWYD - Page 2

[Mom2Joseph]

Originally Posted by abac

but I can understand a man getting violent at the discovery that he wife has been cheating.

: : :

To the OP: I would offer information she can use, hot lines, shelter information, etc. I would not go to her boss, as some employers see this very negatively, wondering if the violence could carry over into the work place. (the husband coming in the work place to hurt the wife).

I hope they find a safe solution soon.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by mowilli3

Thanks to everyone who offered advice and resources. I passed on the resources to her. I pray to God that she uses them.

I think you should at least call CPS. It's anonymous, and she'll probably suspect the preschool teachers more than you. You know her name and last name, I presume. That's enough for them to find the kid. I've worked as a CASA in a county with one of the best family court systems in the US, and I still usually advocate against calling CPS, EXCEPT IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!

That child's life is in danger.

I strongly encourage you not to chicken out. If he were a toddler standing in a busy parking lot alone, would you just walk away because you had too much to deal with?

[abac]

Originally Posted by ktbug

eeeeek.

What?

Cheating doesn't give someone a pass to hit you. YMMV, but it doesn't give anyone a pass to hit me. Not once, not ever, not for any reason, same goes for my kid. And I'd look pretty suspiciously at anyone that needs to "be tough" with a 4 year old.

no.more.mdc.today

Originally Posted by abac

I'm not saying it's acceptable, but I can understand a man getting violent at the discovery that he wife has been cheating.

Quoting myself here. There is a difference between something being understandable and being acceptable. I think it is more likely than not that finding your spouse is cheating is going to invoke some pretty strong emotions in just about anyone. I think it is an exceptional case that is not indicative of everyday life.

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by mowilli3

No she explicitly told me that he was abusing her and has been since they were dating. She told me that the bruises were becoming more evident on her son.

This is more explicit than I understood you/her to convey. You could contact CPS and report the incident. She can also. It would be more accurate for a caregiver who has observed the child to report a concern, than you. I would emphasize that she needs to contact a shelter or CPS herself urgently to protect the child further.


Pat

[mamaduck]

It is possible she told you because she is hoping you will take action. I would go ahead and make the call with whatever information you have. Her name, at the very least.

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

It is possible she told you because she is hoping you will take action. I would go ahead and make the call with whatever information you have. Her name, at the very least.

My friend and I were discussing this possibility also. This would "absolve" her from "being the one who reported him" and protect her indirectly. Could you ask her if she wants you to report. The main issue is to facilitate and empower her to take action to protect herself and her child.

Pat

[Iris' Mom]

I agree that you should encourage her to file a police report and get a restraining order. Also let her know about any domestic violence resources you know of.

I would not at this point call CPS on her -- she is looking for shelters and is in therapy. Do what you can to help her get out; reconsider calling the authorities if you feel she's decided to forgive him, as unfortunately victims of abuse often do. Calling CPS can really complicate things. They can be life savers to someone really trying but unable to turn themselves around, but they can also overlook abuse in some cases, or come down hard and take kids away when it's not really warranted. I wouldn't hesitate to do it if I thought I child was in danger and nobody to protect him, but when she's trying to get out, I wouldn't do it. That said, you could suggest that she call CPS herself; you might get a sense of if she's really hoping you'll do it for her as others have suggested, and she'll probably get off on a better foot with the case worker if she's initiated the complaint.

[mowilli3]

Originally Posted by natensarah

I think you should at least call CPS. It's anonymous, and she'll probably suspect the preschool teachers more than you. You know her name and last name, I presume. That's enough for them to find the kid. I've worked as a CASA in a county with one of the best family court systems in the US, and I still usually advocate against calling CPS, EXCEPT IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!

That child's life is in danger.

I strongly encourage you not to chicken out. If he were a toddler standing in a busy parking lot alone, would you just walk away because you had too much to deal with?

I appreciate your advice, but your tone is way out of line. I am not chickening out of anything. I'm trying to be responsible and weigh what I think would be useful ways to intervene for the mother and the child. I am not responsible for this child's life. His mother and father are. I'm just trying to do the right thing, whatever that is, to improve a situation that could easily get worse. All I know is what she called and told me out of the blue one day. I don't know her well enough to even be able to judge her credibility. I'm assuming you aren't a troll, but things are much more complicated on this side of my computer than your summary suggest.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by mowilli3

I appreciate your advice, but your tone is way out of line. I am not chickening out of anything. I'm trying to be responsible and weigh what I think would be useful ways to intervene for the mother and the child. I am not responsible for this child's life. His mother and father are. I'm just trying to do the right thing, whatever that is, to improve a situation that could easily get worse. All I know is what she called and told me out of the blue one day. I don't know her well enough to even be able to judge her credibility. I'm assuming you aren't a troll, but things are much more complicated on this side of my computer than your summary suggest.

Well, I'm sorry you were offended. My intention was to embolden you. The reason I inferred you were "chickening out" is because of these statements:

"I did my best and I feel very helpless. I've got to let this situation go because I feel terrible and I don't think she's receptive to any help I can give. I want to help, but this is way out of my league."

and this:

"I'd also feel really vulnerable if I took some action and she turned on me for butting into her business."

I guess it sounded like you were scared. And I would probably be too, or at least very anxious. But, it is very easy to call CPS and file a report of child abuse (not sure if that's a good thing or not). I'm sure it's more complicated than I can see, but on the other hand it's more simple as well. It's simple in that a woman that you know told you that her husband was abusing her child. In my opinion, you now have the responsibility to do something with that information. This is your responsibility as part of humanity. I guess I feel like it is my responsibility to encourage you.

[fiorio]

I sympathize with you because your coworker put you in a tough situation and it is hard to decide what to do. However...you have been placed in a situation where you are now responsible for this child's life. You know he is being abused and it is your obligation to report it. I'm not talking about 'mandated reporter'...it is your obligation as a human being to actively do something to save this child's life. Of course the child's parents should be responsible for the child's life but when the mother is also being abused and the father is the one doing it, he really doesn't have parents to protect him. You may be the only one who knows what is going on, and you need to contact CPS. It is great you gave a list of resources to the mother, but since she has been abused for so long already it is very likely she will not contact them on her own. Perhaps all she could get the strength to do was to confide in you and hope and pray that you could alert the police and/or CPS. Please please please reconsider and make a call to CPS.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by fiorio

I sympathize with you because your coworker put you in a tough situation and it is hard to decide what to do. However...you have been placed in a situation where you are now responsible for this child's life. You know he is being abused and it is your obligation to report it. I'm not talking about 'mandated reporter'...it is your obligation as a human being to actively do something to save this child's life. Of course the child's parents should be responsible for the child's life but when the mother is also being abused and the father is the one doing it, he really doesn't have parents to protect him. You may be the only one who knows what is going on, and you need to contact CPS. It is great you gave a list of resources to the mother, but since she has been abused for so long already it is very likely she will not contact them on her own. Perhaps all she could get the strength to do was to confide in you and hope and pray that you could alert the police and/or CPS. Please please please reconsider and make a call to CPS.

Yes! You said this so well.

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by ktbug

Easy, now. In the middle of a situation like that it's really, really hard to think straight, to prioritize, especially if you have psychopathology of a longtime victim. Sometimes it doesn't feel like much of a choice.

I want to clarify, I in NO WAY 'blame the victim' when it comes to domestic abuse. My heart goes out to this mama :

[gaialice]

Originally Posted by mowilli3

I emailed her this morning and asked her to have lunch. I attached a doc to the message with all the information that I found and was provided her, numbers and such. She wrote that she wanted to have lunch, but that she did not get the attachment. I got to work before 1. I called her, no answer. At 1:30 I went down to meet her as planned, and she had left. I did my best and I feel very helpless. I've got to let this situation go because I feel terrible and I don't think she's receptive to any help I can give. I want to help, but this is way out of my league.

I so, so hope that she and the kids are all safe. Did you at all hear from her since then? There are a couple of things I cannot understand from your posts. Is this kid the husband's child or is it a child that she has from a previous relationship? Is there another child (a baby) in the picture? I am asking this to understand what kind of rights this man has on the kids. If she decided to simply leave with the kids - would he be able to fight this decision? If he has no rights on the kids, it is way better for her to leave rather than getting CPS in the picture. As I see it, CPS would protect the kid, but then also take them away from their mommy, and leave this woman with her violent husband. Maybe this line of reasoning would convince her that she needs to leave him before worse happens, and that worse may happen if the kid talks about what is going on at home in preschool.

[MamaRainebeau]

Just because a report to CPS is made does not mean that a child will be taken from his mother and father. Generally, all other options are exhausted first prior to putting the child "in the system" unless the abuse is so agregious that it is without question a requirement to protect the child's safety. For instnace, if the father is the abuser, CPS will usually institute a safety plan that includes the mother removing the child from the father's home or having the father removed (like per a protective order) and no allowing any contact with the father, etc. and ensuring the child's physical safety/no bruises, etc. and on and on. If the abused mama can't help herself and allows the father back around, then CPS can use that action or inaction to take things further if need be. And a child is only removed from a mother in a situation like this if she refuses to distance herself from the abuser.

I am generally anti CPS intervention, but this sounds like the type of situation that requires it. An abused woman only makes so many attempts at self help and her reaching out to you may well be as much proactivity as she is capable of right now. Please do something.

Lisa

[Cujobunny]

there was a child here that was recently killed by his abusive mother. a neighbour of the family said she always heard the child crying, all day, and the parents screaming. she always but wondered if she should call authorities, but never did.

[Ruthla]

If she's already in therapy, and already has the names of shelters, it sounds like she has things pretty well under control. All I would do if it were my co-worker is encourage her to call one or more of the shelters and start making plans to get out. Contacting CPS at this point could do more harm than good if she's just about ready to make changes anyway.