When others "good job" your child

[Arwyn]

For those who don't say "good job" or use arbitrary or generic praise:

Naked Baby is too young for this to really matter yet, but I was thinking about it because of a recent incident. Do you say anything when someone says "good job" to your kid? What if it's a near continual barrage of GJs? Do you think GJs aren't a big deal coming from people your child has never met before? What about from a semi-relative you see on a regular basis?

My inclination is to say nothing, especially at this stage when NB just thinks "hey cool, someone's talking to me! I wonder if I can play with their hair..." I really don't want to discourage the enthusiasm and joy with him people often are trying to express with their GJs. And when he's much older (past preschooler), I figure he'll be more than able to make his own relationships, and set his own boundaries, with people. Not to mention he'll be well able to, I would hope, see the intent behind that verbal tic, and smile lovingly or roll his eyes as appropriate.

But in between? Is it ever worth bring it up with someone? How obnoxious, or how intimate in your child's life, would someone have too be before you said... what? "We don't really say 'good job'."? "Maybe NB would be interested in hearing about what exactly he's doing that you think is neat."? How would you approach that? Or would you never?


(I've been kind of thinking about this because he has an almost-grandma who lives much closer than his "real" grandmother who says "good job" a lot. And then yesterday we were at the Children's Museum, and there was a worker who came and was playing with him, and I swear at least two-thirds of the words that came out of her mouth were "good job", and honestly I was sitting there thinking "Actually, he usually 'walks' much better than this, he's being really wobbly today. This isn't a particularly good job for him at all." )

[mackysmama]

I try not to use blanket praise statements with my kids. They slip out sometimes, though. But, when other people do it, no big deal. They hear it from other parents, friends, coaches, etc. I think it is one of those "don't sweat the small stuff" things. In the big picture of parenting and in how children are treated, in my opinion, this isn't something to be concerned about. Where else could your effort be placed for the benefit of children? Now, I do get annoyed when I hear my son's leapster say "good job" over and over again.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I think probably about 99% of the population would think you were psycho if you said not to give your child praise. So I guess it depends partially on if you want everyone to think you're cruel and crazy For me, I don't see praise as a big deal when it's geniune and not intended to manipulate. But as with any parenting principle, I'd share with people who matter (grandparents, close family friends, people who see the LOs a lot), and not worry about those who don't (people they see on occasion, strangers in stores, etc.).

[captain crunchy]

I used to struggle with this and to a small degree, part of me cringes inwardly when I hear a string of GJs in a row in about a 5 minute span from someone who dd is in regular contact with. Strangers and the like don't bother me because my child will most likely never see them again she isn't barraged with it over and over.

However, keeping in the spirit of living consensually, I really try to (happily lol) let dd navigate her own relationships and trust that she will soon figure out (if she hasn't already, kids are very aware of this!) when people are genuinely excited about what she does or whether they are attempting to manipulate.

A lot of it truthfully, is how I look at it too. Rather than looking at everyone as a potential child-psyche-damager I choose to look at most people (unless they give me cause otherwise) as basically decent, nice people who don't know what to say or how to react when something my child says/does is pleasing to them or whatever. That is where modeling comes in for me too. Take MIL for instance, she was a HUGE "good jobber" but she genuinely loves dd and is so good to her, and I genuinely love MIL (a rarity on here I know ) so I didn't say anything ... but I interacted with dd how I always do and I think she picked up on the fact that we typically use observation, shared enthusiasm, descriptive phrases, and the like to share in our daughter's joy and has all but stopped *good jobbing* her.

I think most people really just want to share in the joy/help your child feel good/show they are interested and I think (like with children) when we model what we would like to see, most people pick up on that and begin tailoring their phrasing to what they see in your life/interactions.

I don't sweat it too much anymore.

[mamazee]

Your child gets his sense of value and self-worth primarily through you. I don't think what other people say to our kids is nearly as important as what we say and don't say, and anything (within reason obviously) other people say is overriden by what we say in our kids' minds anyway.

So I wouldn't sweat it.

[lerlerler]

i ignore it from almost everyone...

but i mentioned to grandpa (after a string of GJs for coloring) "I know, she's amazing, but if you really want to hear an awesome story, watch this.."DD, what is it that you drew?"

and she went on for 5 minutes about her choices...

grandpa got it.. and then i explained that I try to stick to asking questions...

he still GJs, but less frequently.. he loves her narration

[Simplicity]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Your child gets his sense of value and self-worth primarily through you. I don't think what other people say to our kids is nearly as important as what we say and don't say, and anything (within reason obviously) other people say is overriden by what we say in our kids' minds anyway.

So I wouldn't sweat it.

I totally agree.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

I used to struggle with this and to a small degree, part of me cringes inwardly when I hear a string of GJs in a row in about a 5 minute span from someone who dd is in regular contact with. Strangers and the like don't bother me because my child will most likely never see them again she isn't barraged with it over and over.

However, keeping in the spirit of living consensually, I really try to (happily lol) let dd navigate her own relationships and trust that she will soon figure out (if she hasn't already, kids are very aware of this!) when people are genuinely excited about what she does or whether they are attempting to manipulate.

A lot of it truthfully, is how I look at it too. Rather than looking at everyone as a potential child-psyche-damager I choose to look at most people (unless they give me cause otherwise) as basically decent, nice people who don't know what to say or how to react when something my child says/does is pleasing to them or whatever. That is where modeling comes in for me too. Take MIL for instance, she was a HUGE "good jobber" but she genuinely loves dd and is so good to her, and I genuinely love MIL (a rarity on here I know ) so I didn't say anything ... but I interacted with dd how I always do and I think she picked up on the fact that we typically use observation, shared enthusiasm, descriptive phrases, and the like to share in our daughter's joy and has all but stopped *good jobbing* her.

I think most people really just want to share in the joy/help your child feel good/show they are interested and I think (like with children) when we model what we would like to see, most people pick up on that and begin tailoring their phrasing to what they see in your life/interactions.

I don't sweat it too much anymore.

: Awesome!

[DevaMajka]

I let it slide if it's someone who isn't a big part of ds's life.
But with my family, I told them that I prefer specific praise. That makes sense to people, way more than hearing "we don't praise" kwim?

Slightly side note- My grandma is always saying "good job" for everything ds does. Not a big deal, because at least it doesn't feel conditional (because she does it for everything- eating, running, playing, pooping, uh yeah. lol).
But I told her that it's best not to say "Good job" and that my problem with praise is that I don't want him to think that it's a big surprise when he acts in socially acceptable ways.
So, instead of good job, this is what she said the next time: "Good show!!!!!! I KNEW you would help me put that in the trash!!!"

At that moment, I stopped even trying to put a damper on her praising. lol.
If it were more manipulative praise, or the type that's only doled out when he does something *really special* I might feel differently, I don't know.
But what really matters is what we, his parents, do.

[SleepyMamaBear]

for my family i have jsut told them, and continue to tell them, "please dont say good job, but instead maybe talk to her about what she is doing, if she enjoys it, etc." but i too have been known to "good job" a time or two, or five. hundred.
its hard not to when thats how you are raised yanno?
i think its perfectly ok to ask people not to GJ our kids, just like its ok to ask them to not give them any foods without asking you first yanno?