just a little swat

[transylvania_mom]

My dh spanked our 2.5 son for the first time in his life.
It was a difficult evening for all of us, I just got back from work, my dh is a SAHP (and a part-time student), so he was exhausted too, and we were babysitting for 3 (three!) more children for two hours. It was past my ds's bedtime, he doesn't take a nap anymore, he was hyper, jumping and having fun and he forgot he had to pee. Usually he tells us when he has to go, but he was too overwhelmed and he peed on the floor. My dh grabbed his hand, swatted his bum and took him to the bathroom to change him.
I couldn't believe my eyes. My dh was beaten regularly by his father until he was a teenager, so he hasn't had a good role model. I know doesn't want to spank, but at the same time he's not *very* against it. When I asked him what just happened, he told me it was "just a little swat", and to stop exaggerating the situation.
I told him this WILL NOT happen again.
My dh is a fantastic dad. He's been a SAHP for a year, he takes ds to playgroups, parks, he's reading books, cooking for him, the only thing I do and he doesn't is nursing, but he has been very supportive in this aspect as well. I just think he doesn't understand the gravity of his action, because the swat didn't hurt.
What do I do now? Do I just forget about it and trust that my dh will never do it again? Do I insist talking about it until my dh "gets it"?
PS: My ds is ok, I think he didn't even realized his dad swatted his bum, he was too excited to go back and play.
Thanks for reading...

[cutekid]

I Live with a very similar DP. My DP has swatted our DS on occasion. Lately our DS has become even more trying on our nerves. We live in very close quaters, life is beyond stressful. All of those things, my resolve is to open dialogue with my DP about what I have read and I what I think will work.
My DP only answer is a spanking. (which has happened like three times in our house) He lets me deal with most of the discipline. We were both brought up in spanking households. I was beaten as a teenager, he lived in a military family with strict military rules.
HTH

Denise

[Surfacing]

It often takes more than one generation to change things.....whereas dh may have been spanked or beaten without guilt and regularly growing up (I don't know how much he was/wasn't) it is an improvement for your ds to get a swat far far less often than dh got hit. Less intensity, less frequency. Different circumstances. Different parents, different context.

I really understand your concern--I too was brought up in a household with spanking and violence (and have, incidentally, hungarian parents ) and am DETERMINED that my children will not have the same.

Having said that, parenting is a journey. We sometimes make mistakes, we are human. You have to get back on course and try again.

It's important that you and dh can talk about what is important to you as parents (your values - e.g., NO hitting). I wonder if this is something that you can trust would happen very, very infrequently--or not again. Can you live with and accept that this is something that may pop out when dh is pushed to his furthest?

Would he be receptive to discussing ways to control the impulse or take a break when he feels the impulse to swat? Can he note in himself when he feels the tension/anger rising? There are some good threads on mothering about this. There are some good books out there on this subject too. "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" by Bonnie Harris is a start.

Hang in there.

[WuWei]

This small booklet "Plain Talk About Spanking" helps to express the psychological dangers of hitting children. You can print it out for free: http://www.nospank.net/pt2007.htm

I also recommend Alfie Kohn's DVD "Unconditional Parenting". He talks about the research related to punishments and rewards.



Pat

[Felicitymom]

Originally Posted by transylvania_mom

My dh spanked our 2.5 son for the first time in his life.
It was a difficult evening for all of us, I just got back from work, my dh is a SAHP (and a part-time student), so he was exhausted too, and we were babysitting for 3 (three!) more children for two hours. It was past my ds's bedtime, he doesn't take a nap anymore, he was hyper, jumping and having fun and he forgot he had to pee. Usually he tells us when he has to go, but he was too overwhelmed and he peed on the floor. My dh grabbed his hand, swatted his bum and took him to the bathroom to change him.
I couldn't believe my eyes. My dh was beaten regularly by his father until he was a teenager, so he hasn't had a good role model. I know doesn't want to spank, but at the same time he's not *very* against it. When I asked him what just happened, he told me it was "just a little swat", and to stop exaggerating the situation.
I told him this WILL NOT happen again.
My dh is a fantastic dad. He's been a SAHP for a year, he takes ds to playgroups, parks, he's reading books, cooking for him, the only thing I do and he doesn't is nursing, but he has been very supportive in this aspect as well. I just think he doesn't understand the gravity of his action, because the swat didn't hurt.
What do I do now? Do I just forget about it and trust that my dh will never do it again? Do I insist talking about it until my dh "gets it"?
PS: My ds is ok, I think he didn't even realized his dad swatted his bum, he was too excited to go back and play.
Thanks for reading...

I am not a spanking mama, nor was I spanked as a child (maybe once). That said.... the night and stress level you described is a key element here.... you guys were too overloaded and maybe should watch how much you schedule for yourselves so that stress levels don't get that out of hand (I know its tuff)

Also, the fact that he swatted him for peeing I don't think is a good idea. I would never punish or swat my child for having an accident.... I think its too risky with 'shame' and all in regard to going to the bathroom. I think that is too confusing and puts too much pressure on children... and, children have accidents, its natural.

Then there is the swatting itself.... I don't think its that big a deal... just watch that is doens't become a regular coping mechanism for your dh.... I would not 'insist on talking about it' until you dh gets it.... that will be waisted energy IMO.... your ds didn't even know he was swatted.... why would you make a big deal out of that????? Again, if your dh resorts to swating and spanking for regular discipline, then I would sit down and talk about it... but for now a casual conversation in the future about how you feel about spanking is enough... find out where he is at with it all.... and go from there.

N

[mommy2abigail]

That must have been devastating for you. I'm so sorry that happened. You've recieved some great suggestions so far, I just wanted to reiterate the part about recognizing when he is at the breaking point. Even though I don't have the tendency to hit, I do get short tempered when I'm reaching breaking point. As a sahm, it's very very easy to put myself last for everything, sleep, food, toilet, ect. Let alone getting down time to unwind. I've had to work very hard on forcing myself to stop. breathe. relax. breathe. focus. breathe. think. breathe. Well you get the idea. Can you maybe bring it up from a different angle. Instead of focusing on the spanking, talk about how stressed he must be, how you can help him, and different relaxation techniques he can use when you aren't there? Also, how to avoid overextending yourselves again. I would definately want to talk about it somewhat, since he is the sahp. It would make me uncomfortable to know that he had that in his toolbox as a reaction or something to resort to when he is feeling frustrated. HTH

[ktmama]

It would make me uncomfortable to know that he had that in his toolbox as a reaction or something to resort to when he is feeling frustrated.

Me too.

I think the lesson here is to 1) Not overextend yourselves with other commitments, especially at that time of the day and 2) Make sure your son sticks to his routine/bedtime to set him up for success.

[captain crunchy]

Originally Posted by mommy2abigail

That must have been devastating for you. I'm so sorry that happened. You've recieved some great suggestions so far, I just wanted to reiterate the part about recognizing when he is at the breaking point. Even though I don't have the tendency to hit, I do get short tempered when I'm reaching breaking point. As a sahm, it's very very easy to put myself last for everything, sleep, food, toilet, ect. Let alone getting down time to unwind. I've had to work very hard on forcing myself to stop. breathe. relax. breathe. focus. breathe. think. breathe. Well you get the idea. Can you maybe bring it up from a different angle. Instead of focusing on the spanking, talk about how stressed he must be, how you can help him, and different relaxation techniques he can use when you aren't there? Also, how to avoid overextending yourselves again. I would definately want to talk about it somewhat, since he is the sahp. It would make me uncomfortable to know that he had that in his toolbox as a reaction or something to resort to when he is feeling frustrated. HTH

I agree with this. I think appealing to your partner with the desire to help you all work together for solutions that will help everyone feel honored and help everyone gets their needs met is a good idea.

I think talking to your partner in a setting where you both feel relaxed, able to talk and able to focus is a great idea and I also think that using some non-violent communication type dialog will help too.

In other words, rather than "You hit ds and that can not happen again!" Something like, "I want to talk about what happened the other day with ds. I realize you were very stressed out. What can I do to help you when you feel overwhelmed?"

You could also say, "I would like us to come to an agreement that we won't use physical discipline with ds, because it is extremely important to me that he knows that we won't put our hands on him" (or something of that nature).

"What can I do to help you meet your need to feel that ds is being taught appropriate behavior while also meeting my need for ds to know he will never be spanked?"

"I don't believe you would ever knowingly hurt ds and I know how much you love him. I see how wonderful you are with him and how dedicated you are to him. I love that. However, I do not feel at all comfortable with using any kind of physical *discipline* with him."

Things like that...

I wanted to touch on *punishing* for having an accident too. As another poster mentioned, I don't think that is at all healthy and I imagine it could really have a negative impact on a child. Perhaps your partner could read some articles/short blurbs about age and developmentally appropriate behaviors in toddlers...would he be open to that? A lot of times with my husband, I will read him things staight off MDC in more of a "hey, other people are going through this! We are not alone!" type way, rather than a "see, you suck" type way (he doesn't suck but you get my point lol)...

I think it helps my husband (and me!) to know that some behaviors or situations are common and that so many parents go through it, in moments when we feel overwhelmed or as though we are the only parents who have ever gone through _______.

Good luck, it sounds like your husband is generally an attentive, and loving father who just needs a few more coping tools for when he gets overwhelmed (though hitting is never okay, we know this!).

[Imogen]

Originally Posted by WuWei

This small booklet "Plain Talk About Spanking" helps to express the psychological dangers of hitting children. You can print it out for free: http://www.nospank.net/pt2007.htm

I also recommend Alfie Kohn's DVD "Unconditional Parenting". He talks about the research related to punishments and rewards.



Pat

Thanks for the link Pat

Peace

[transylvania_mom]

Thank you all for your insightful advice. You are right, I should focus more on understanding dh's point of view and helping him deal with stressful situations instead of putting more pressure on him.
Today he was very embarrassed and he apologized. He understands very well that spanking is harmful, I don't have to bring it up all the time.
Thanks again.