Dd broke my necklace--a GD question!

[mummy marja]

Yesterday DD, 5, was looking at and playing with my locket and chain that Dh gave me 10 years ago on our first Christmas together. The chain broke. DD showed me, and when I expressed sadness she started to cry. She said, " I wanted to fix it but I couldn't find the tape!" She was quite upset.

I told her that since she broke it, she/we would have to figure out a way to fix the problem--either fix this chain if possible, or buy a new one. She gets an allowance of $2.50 a week. She was very against the idea of giving up any of her allowance at all. What would you do?

1. Talk to her about responsibility, go to a jewellery store together to price chains. Force her to pay some by holding back her allowance.

2. Talk to her about responsibility, go to a jewelry store together to price chains, but leave the decision about helping pay for the chain up to her.

3. Your idea!

I've thought about what I want her to learn--my long-term goals for her. I want her to be the kind of person that will pay for or fix something she has broken, even if it belonged to her mother. But I also know that forcing her to do a thing won't work. I'm leaning towards #2, believing that as she grows she will want to do the right thing.

Fun bonus question...how the heck do you spell jewelry?

[Potty Diva]

Was this an accident? and your daughter is 5?

Kailey has accidentally broke a thing or two of mine and we do not expect repayment. We beleive since we are teaching her life lessons we also expect that she is going to "make mistakes" that it would not be fair to impose adult consequences or expecations on her.

We talk to Kailey about being aware of her surroundings and being careful and being mindful about where you are in a space.

If she were to break something on purpose I would express sadness and disappointment that she chose not to express her anger/frustration with words but instead made the choice to use her hands to hurt.

We model reparation through our own actions just as we do other social behaviors and find this to be the best way to prepare Kailey for adulthood.

Jewelry is spelly just like you spelled it.

[mommy2abigail]

I think her feeling on it is enough. She was obviously very upset and tried to fix it. I would extend some grace to her and let it go. Maybe help you pick out a new chain, but NOT make her pay for it. At $2.50 a week, that will take forever, and the consequence will be way beyond the appropriate time length, yk? In two months, when she is still having to give up her allowance, it wont make any sense to her. And what about getting her her own (inexpensive!) necklace? At 5, she is probably really into that kind of thing.
If I broke something of dh's and took it to him really upset and after having tried to fix it, I would be devastated if he 'withheld my allowance' (my spending money since I sah) in order to pay for the item. Mistakes happen, she didn't mean to do it, and shouldn't be punshed for it. JMO.

[chfriend]

I'd make a date with dd to go to the bead store and use the jewlery pliers to fix the chain. I'd emphasize how much fun it is to work with metal and maybe make ourselves some bracelets.

I homeschool and for us nearly everything that happens is a chance to learn something new, especially a new skill!

I hope it turns into a positive, relationship building experience for you!

[Nature]

Could this perhaps be a natural consequence for you, for leaving your very important jewelry where children can get it? :

I wouldn't impose a fine to repay the necklace. At that age, she showed significant remorse already and that would be enough for me. The goal is not to punish but to teach..

[captain crunchy]

Originally Posted by mommy2abigail

I think her feeling on it is enough. She was obviously very upset and tried to fix it. I would extend some grace to her and let it go. Maybe help you pick out a new chain, but NOT make her pay for it. At $2.50 a week, that will take forever, and the consequence will be way beyond the appropriate time length, yk? In two months, when she is still having to give up her allowance, it wont make any sense to her. And what about getting her her own (inexpensive!) necklace? At 5, she is probably really into that kind of thing.
If I broke something of dh's and took it to him really upset and after having tried to fix it, I would be devastated if he 'withheld my allowance' (my spending money since I sah) in order to pay for the item. Mistakes happen, she didn't mean to do it, and shouldn't be punshed for it. JMO.

Originally Posted by chfriend

I'd make a date with dd to go to the bead store and use the jewlery pliers to fix the chain. I'd emphasize how much fun it is to work with metal and maybe make ourselves some bracelets.

I homeschool and for us nearly everything that happens is a chance to learn something new, especially a new skill!

I hope it turns into a positive, relationship building experience for you!

Originally Posted by Nature

Could this perhaps be a natural consequence for you, for leaving your very important jewelry where children can get it? :

I wouldn't impose a fine to repay the necklace. At that age, she showed significant remorse already and that would be enough for me. The goal is not to punish but to teach..

Lather, rinse, repeat.

[PumpkinSeeds]

Imagine this was your best friend or your neighbor who was looking at your locket and it broke. What would you do?

I think if there is any "lesson" to be learned it is how to be gracious when an accident happens.

[dubfam]

ITA with the other posters.

It was an accident and she felt bad. What a sweet little girl you are raising!!

[GooeyRN]

I wouldn't make her pay since it was an accident and she was remorseful. But, if she did it intentionally I would make her pay.

[fek&fuzz]

I agree with the other posters that this was an accident, and she should not be made to pay. As the adult, it is your responsibility to not let her play with things she could break.

[Oka-san]

Yes, don’t make her pay! My parents did things this way with me. If I broke something and it was an accident, I always felt really bad already, and that was the end of it in our family. It was a safe feeling for me, knowing that it would be okay if I made a mistake like that.

[kamilla626]

Originally Posted by mommy2abigail

I think her feeling on it is enough. She was obviously very upset and tried to fix it. I would extend some grace to her and let it go. Maybe help you pick out a new chain, but NOT make her pay for it. At $2.50 a week, that will take forever, and the consequence will be way beyond the appropriate time length, yk? In two months, when she is still having to give up her allowance, it wont make any sense to her. And what about getting her her own (inexpensive!) necklace? At 5, she is probably really into that kind of thing.
If I broke something of dh's and took it to him really upset and after having tried to fix it, I would be devastated if he 'withheld my allowance' (my spending money since I sah) in order to pay for the item. Mistakes happen, she didn't mean to do it, and shouldn't be punshed for it. JMO.

Yeah that. Turn it in to a lesson about being careful with fragile things, putting valuables away in their proper places, and forgiving others for their mistakes.

[Hannahsmummy]

I agree with everyone else, I wouldn't impose consequences for it. Personally, I am all for consequences and I am deifintely more strict than most on this board too.
It's clear that your daughter was intuitive enough to see your sadness and feel awful about it and for you. The fact that she felt remorse is a powerful reminder to not repeat the behaviour if possible.
I do understand the thought behind wanting her to pay and making it a lesson about taking responsibility when you break something though. I like the idea of fixing it together and talking about being careful with things.

[limabean]

It was a 10-year-old chain and it broke by accident. She's sorry -- it was just a mistake. That would be the end of it for me.

[Iris' Mom]

I agree that because it was an accident, she was sorry and she tried to fix it, I would not make her pay. Just a suggestion if you want to reinforce the lesson that we do have to compensate others, even if it was an accident -- could she help "fix it" in a non-monetary way? Like maybe helping you pick a new chain, or putting the locket on the new chain. She sounds like a woderful little girl.

[mummy marja]

Thanks everyone for replying! First I must clarify-- there is no way I would ever make her pay for the whole chain--I was thinking of getting her to contribute a couple of dollars or so.

Originally Posted by PumpkinSeeds

Imagine this was your best friend or your neighbor who was looking at your locket and it broke. What would you do?

I think if there is any "lesson" to be learned it is how to be gracious when an accident happens.

If my friend broke my chain by accident, I hope they would insist on replacing it. That's what I would do if I broke something, even if it was an accident. I've had it happen to me before, and even though I really do understand that accidents happen, I'm still left with a broken chain.

I knew she was playing with it, but she usually is very careful with things. She just didn't realize how fragile the chain was, and neither did I. I guess one consequence of this is that I will be more careful about things like this in the future.

My first reaction was to comfort HER--say things like "It's OK, I know it was an accident, silly mommy for letting you play with that." But I've just been reading Barbara Coloroso's book Kids Are Worth It and it made me realize that I really DO want my kids to take ownership of their problems and figure out a way to fix them. And since she's only 5, we start small--only contributing a dollar. I am usually TOO gracious about accidents, and I am trying to find a medium.

[momto l&a]

It was an accident and she felt terrible about it. End of story

Jewelry is so fragile.

As to leaving jewelry around for kids to get, a kid like nothing more to look at their moms pretties and hear the story's around certain pieces :

I have a locket that I started wearing at the age of 5, it was my grandmothers when she was a little girl. My grandmother bought a sturdy gold chain for it. About 10 years ago I wore the chain out!

I would be willing to bet next time your little girl looks at your jewelry she will be very careful

[EvansMomma]

Well I'm definitely biased here.
I know both this mama and her amazing daughter.
I definitely don't think that Marja is going to impose a fine on her daughter. She just doesn't roll that way.

I do, think though, that I wouldn't really try to force the lil one to pay for it.
Maybe bring her, let her know that while you really appreciate that she wanted to fix the necklace, that sometimes things have to be replaced when there's been an accident. That many times, the person might REALLY appreciate it if you help them out - even if it WAS an accident.

But I'd definitely not pressure about it, she's still quite young and I think just telling her how things like this normally get resolved and then leaving it for her to think about on her own - is probably more than enough.

That girl of yours is amazing, and she's a really empathetic and bright little girl. I don't think you have to worry about her growing up to not take responsibility for herself.

You're a gentle and patient mama...I think it's awesome that you're looking for the best, most positive way to handle this.

[goodheartedmama]

:

and

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You're the most wonderful GD mama I've ever "met" and your daughter is amazing. I'm sure you'll come to an agreement about something that will work for both of you.

[mummy marja]

Aww, thank you both!

I have decided to bring the chain somewhere to see if it's possible to fix it, and I'll bring her along--not as punishment, just to have her involved. I'll talk to her, gently, about everything that we BOTH learned from this. I will ask if she'd like to help pay for it but won't force it. It's so wonderful that it doesn't have to be a bad experience, that we can both learn and grow and have fun doing it.