or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Baby › Co-sleeping and the Family Bed › I didn't know CIO was SO pervasive
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

I didn't know CIO was SO pervasive

post #1 of 41
Thread Starter 
Wow... I had no idea that CIO sleep training was so widespread. The other week I borrowed a book from the library to get some tips on introducing solids. I found a book that was about babies' development from birth to one year and nutrition. The recipes looked good so I got it.

When I flipped to the 4-6 month section, it casually mentioned "controlled crying" as a way of teaching a baby to sleep! I had seriously not heard of CIO for young babies until I had my daughter, otherwise on TV shows like Supernanny or Nanny 911 before I became a mother. No alternatives whatsoever were given!

My family are v mainstream in a lot of ways but co-sleeping is just the norm(my folks are Jamaican). Heck I slept in my parent's bed often as a kid!
post #2 of 41
Crazy, isn't it?
post #3 of 41
It's sad to me that it is so pervasive and that most popular culture doesn't suggest any alternative. I mean, even if you don't co-sleep there are so many other things you can do that do not involve CIO. A lot of my friends are pretty mainstream (and childless) and they just flat out do not get why I do it. I sure hope they change their minds when they have kids.
post #4 of 41
I know NO ONE in real life who doesn't CIO. Not a single person. And my online May 2007 babies group (we met on a more mainstream message board when we found out we were expecting) is pretty much all already going that way. There are about 20 of us who post regularly, and I'd say 10 are already doing CIO (the babies are 4 to 5 months old now) and many of the rest are thinking about it.

So it's REALLY REALLY hard when I'm exhausted and sleep deprived to continually be asked "is she sleeping through the night yet?" and then when I say "noooo, waking up to feed 2-3 times still," hearing "she's supposed to be over that by this age, right?" No one gets why I would not want to leave her in a room to cry alone inconsolably in the dark. I think the lack of support is as tough as the lack of sleep.
post #5 of 41
I posted something in my blog about how I do not understand and cannot figure out the behavioral/learning theory justification behind CIO, and I got snarky responses about how cosleeping doesn't work for everyone. :

Call me crazy, but it seems to me that you can leave a cosleeping baby to cry alone in the family bed, and you can comfort a baby who is sleeping in their own bed. But no, it's so pervasive that cosleeping or CIO are apparently the only options.

I don't get it.
post #6 of 41
Well, I think cosleeping covers a lot of bases, really. I know cosleeping families who have a crib in their family bedroom, families who have mattresses on the floor, families who have cosleepers attached to their beds, and families who have all their kids in a big happy pile in a king and full pushed up against each other.

Honestly, I think that the AP moms who do not share sleep spaces are still kind of cosleeping in a lot of ways--they do nighttime parenting in the same way that I do. When our children need us, we attend to them. In some ways, then, cosleeping and CIO are the two options!
post #7 of 41
Oh heck yeah, it's everywhere. It's "the" thing to do in the mainstream parenting world wrt sleep. You MUST sleep train your baby, says everyone. :

We didn't/don't cosleep, but we sure as hell don't/didn't CIO. What I don't get is, all the info about how bad it is to CIO your child aside, how can anyone's nerves STAND it??? I mean, I really and truly don't understand how anyone...any MOTHER...can stand there and do NOTHING to comfort her child when s/he is screaming their guts out. My ds screamed and screamed (colic), but by God he was screaming in my arms with me trying to soothe him (and sometimes crying along with him) the whole time.

My lightbulb moment was when I read a line in Dr. Sears' Baby Book that said something like, "children need to be parented to sleep." That resonated with me.
post #8 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by teeny_bean View Post
I posted something in my blog about how I do not understand and cannot figure out the behavioral/learning theory justification behind CIO, and I got snarky responses about how cosleeping doesn't work for everyone. :

Call me crazy, but it seems to me that you can leave a cosleeping baby to cry alone in the family bed, and you can comfort a baby who is sleeping in their own bed. But no, it's so pervasive that cosleeping or CIO are apparently the only options.

I don't get it.

Me neither. I HATE books that say you either use CIO (or CC) or suck it up, and those are your only options. There are people here who say that, too. I've seen people caned for wanting to alter their child's 'natural' sleep patterns in any way shape or form, even if the parents are doing things that sabotage the child's sleep like watching TV before bed.

There are so many thing between doing nothing and giving up on the kid.

Quote:
Honestly, I think that the AP moms who do not share sleep spaces are still kind of cosleeping in a lot of ways--they do nighttime parenting in the same way that I do. When our children need us, we attend to them. In some ways, then, cosleeping and CIO are the two options!
Oh, please, give non-co-sleepers some credit. There's no need to be patronising and even more judgmental about how co-sleeping is the only possible way to be a good parent. Don't condescend to those for whom not sharing a sleep space is the right thing to do.
post #9 of 41
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by wannabe View Post
Me neither. I HATE books that say you either use CIO (or CC) or suck it up, and those are your only options. There are people here who say that, too. I've seen people caned for wanting to alter their child's 'natural' sleep patterns in any way shape or form, even if the parents are doing things that sabotage the child's sleep like watching TV before bed.

There are so many thing between doing nothing and giving up on the kid.



Oh, please, give non-co-sleepers some credit. There's no need to be patronising and even more judgmental about how co-sleeping is the only possible way to be a good parent. Don't condescend to those for whom not sharing a sleep space is the right thing to do.
Oh absolutely, ironically my baby sleeps in a cot next to the bed, not in our bed!

I agree, most books/articles I've come across only mention the polar opposites - CIO/martyrdom - thank goodness for the likes of NCSS
post #10 of 41
yeah, CIO is the "norm"...so sad!
post #11 of 41
We don´t co-sleep. DD has her own crib in her own room. It has been this way ever since she was 3 months old. Never once did I let her CIO. Anytime I heard her fuss I was in there, even if it meant dragging my butt out of bed at all hours of the morning. My child may have been in a different room, that was my choice to put her in there, but I´m not going to make her suffer for it. I´m still her mother.

It got tiring but eventually she was sleeping through the night. It wasn´t the result of any sort of ¨training¨ or goal I had. She just did. Ironically my child ¨slept better¨ than my friends children that were the same age that were ¨sleep trained¨ I feel that she is secure in that she knows that even though she is in a different room that I will always be there for her. She very rarely cries when put to bed. And she is wide awake when I put her down. Sometimes she will even grab for her crib to get in! So when she fusses I know something is wrong with her...I don´t just chalk it up to her being difficult or ¨spoiled¨ and let her scream until she goes to sleep.

So no, CIO and co-sleeping are not the only options. I don´t think co sleeping is bad...but I just personally didn´t want my DD in bed with me. Shoot half the time I don´t want DH in bed with me (mega squirmers both).
post #12 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by wannabe View Post
Oh, please, give non-co-sleepers some credit. There's no need to be patronising and even more judgmental about how co-sleeping is the only possible way to be a good parent. Don't condescend to those for whom not sharing a sleep space is the right thing to do.
Did you misunderstand my post?

I agree with you. I was saying that AP mothers and fathers who do not technically share sleeping space are still "cosleeping" because they tend to address their child's needs in the same manner that I do--when they need their issues addressed. I have zero issue with families who do not share a family bed.

I was talking about the schism in terminology--if it's either CIO or cosleeping, and in that case, parents who attend their children ARE cosleeping (even if that happens in another room).
post #13 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
how can anyone's nerves STAND it??? I mean, I really and truly don't understand how anyone...any MOTHER...can stand there and do NOTHING to comfort her child when s/he is screaming their guts out.
Oh, well, they hate it too. At least any that aren't pathologically cold. All my friends do this, and they tell me that they sit there sobbing themselves in another room. One of them said that her husband had to physically hold her down to keep her from going into the room - they'd agreed to it during the day, but when night would come and the baby would cry, she'd want to go to her, and he'd literally sit on her. So it's not that they CAN stand it, just that they're so convinced that it's the only/best thing to do that they make themselves do it, somehow.

Of course, I do also know a few people who were so cold as do TURN THE MONITOR OFF so they didn't have to hear it... luckily I don't really hang out with them anymore (not for that reason -- they happened to move to another state after having the baby), so I don't have to hear about it. I'm not sure I could respond politely to that! (heard about it from my DH; he'd talked to them on the phone after they moved.)
post #14 of 41
My friend and I got into an argument about this the other night. If it weren't for you guys, I would go bonkers with the lack of support. Sometimes I feel so alone I can't stand it. DH saw a woman in a sling today at the grocery store and I felt SO UPSET that I wasn't there to "get her number" so to speak.
post #15 of 41
To be perfectly honest I went into this whole parenthood thing completely ignorant and didn't see anything wrong with it. As soon as we tried it though, I physically felt ill. Dh and I discussed it many times at length and didn't always agree. No matter what though, every time we tried (wasn't many, I swear) I couldn't handle it. So I finally just decided that if it makes both of us feel that horrible, we shouldn't be doing it.

And yeah, it seems to me it is a blatant violation of your job as a mother (heck, as a parent) to let your infant cry and not respond to it.
post #16 of 41
my mom is SO convinced that dd needs to just CIO. no matter that she falls to sleep easily every night with my husband, and sleeps well all night with us. she was kinda throwing a fit today, a little while after nap and my mom said, well, you should just let her CIO in her crib. ah...like that would have helped??? obviously she was upset and needed me. i just dont' get it. i guess people think that if you do things differently from the way they did them that you are somehow saying how they did them was wrong and judging them for it. i firmly believe that when you know better, you do better. so lets do better for our babes.

ETA: dd is 8.5 months
post #17 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by cotopaxi View Post
I know NO ONE in real life who doesn't CIO. Not a single person. And my online May 2007 babies group (we met on a more mainstream message board when we found out we were expecting) is pretty much all already going that way. There are about 20 of us who post regularly, and I'd say 10 are already doing CIO (the babies are 4 to 5 months old now) and many of the rest are thinking about it.

So it's REALLY REALLY hard when I'm exhausted and sleep deprived to continually be asked "is she sleeping through the night yet?" and then when I say "noooo, waking up to feed 2-3 times still," hearing "she's supposed to be over that by this age, right?" No one gets why I would not want to leave her in a room to cry alone inconsolably in the dark. I think the lack of support is as tough as the lack of sleep.
I've read that mothers in Cameroon(?) described the whole American crib system as putting the babies in cages at night. Amen.

One of my friends does the CIO thing and when she stayed with us for a week, her son sounded so miserable because he was sleeping not only apart from her, but in a completely strange place. I kept my mouth shut and let her give me all kinds of parenting advice about why I needed to get my kids out of my bed.

Personally, I'm hoping the bond stays forever and that when they grow up, they move in next door (or upstairs while DH putter around on a ground-floor apt.) and have their own kids piled up in bed with them.
post #18 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by gassadi View Post
I've read that mothers in Cameroon(?) described the whole American crib system as putting the babies in cages at night. Amen.

One of my friends does the CIO thing and when she stayed with us for a week, her son sounded so miserable because he was sleeping not only apart from her, but in a completely strange place. I kept my mouth shut and let her give me all kinds of parenting advice about why I needed to get my kids out of my bed.

Personally, I'm hoping the bond stays forever and that when they grow up, they move in next door (or upstairs while DH putter around on a ground-floor apt.) and have their own kids piled up in bed with them.
I think that sometimes it does. DH's parents were pretty AP without knowing about the label. They co-slept not as a permanent thing but definitely allowed the kids into bed whenever, and when they were babies they bed shared. Nowadays, the brothers still come to visit mama and are very attached to their family, more so than most people our age, and DH of course practices co-sleeping.
post #19 of 41
It is very sad hearing about babies having to CIO.

I read on another message board about a mom whos 4 month old was "too clingy" and was making life just "too hard" so the mom set her on the floor, left the room, and let her "scream her head off" for an hour. : : : In the mom's words, the LO needed to "Learn not to be so cligy."

I really don't get it.
post #20 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by mummyc View Post
My family are v mainstream in a lot of ways but co-sleeping is just the norm(my folks are Jamaican). Heck I slept in my parent's bed often as a kid!
Hey Mummyc - love the name.

My family is Jamaican too and I slept with my parents a lot as a child, but when it comes to MY children, I find that a lot of my family, especially my mother, thinks that CIO IS the way to go. They think he needs to learn to fall asleep "on his own," and that any other route, including co-sleeping as an infant, is spoiling. Same goes for wearing him in a sling, nursing past 3 months, etc. :
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Co-sleeping and the Family Bed
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Baby › Co-sleeping and the Family Bed › I didn't know CIO was SO pervasive