The Puncher at the playground! - Page 2

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by transformed

Well to be honest with you (whether its right or wrong) My dh would probably teach my ds to hit a boy back. But he would never teach him to hit a girl back. When it comes to fighting, there is a distinction between girls and boys, IMO.

Trying to be gentle here but I find this disturbing. Also the comment in your OP about making your son a "mama's boy" by offering him comfort when he is hurt.

Some kids do go through hitting phases (and most grow out of it) but encouraging fighting is not a good thing and neither is telling boys they can't express their emotions.

[4evermom]

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys is a really good book. I strongly recommend that anyone with a boy reads it.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by jdedmom

My son can seem so out of control sometimes. Just this week at the bus stop he was the only child out of 10 kids jumping around, yelling, poking others and acting silly.: All the other kids and parents just stood and stared at him. I am forever telling him to calm down, keep his hands to himself, relax.... It is so exhausting and embarrassing.

I know the feeling . Ds gets some looks when he is just being his normal exuberant self. I did teach him some jokes because much of the poking of other kids was an attempt to get them to interact. Once he knew some jokes, he could engage them in a more acceptable manner.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by marybethorama

Trying to be gentle here but I find this disturbing. Also the comment in your OP about making your son a "mama's boy" by offering him comfort when he is hurt.

Some kids do go through hitting phases (and most grow out of it) but encouraging fighting is not a good thing and neither is telling boys they can't express their emotions.

Comforting is ok to a point. At some point you have to begin teaching your child to handle situations on their own though.

I will encourage my son to protect himself. Although I think its a fine line between teaching your kids to fight and teaching your kids to initiate fights. I dont want him to be unprepared for the inevitable playground scuffles that he will run in to as a boy.

The way my mom sheltered my brother from playground fights, instead of teaching him to deal with his aggressors plays a part in the way I see moms of boys. My brother was viewed as a wuss and a looser because mom always came to his rescue (much older than 4 though) I do not want my child to be socially scrutinized because I dont know when to get out of the way and let kids fight their own fights. (Again-I am not speaking to a 4 yr olds situation....)

My brother kind of never recovered from it. He is still pretty much a wuss. He is 23 and just whines to mama everytime someone says something mean to him. And mama just backs him up. Instead of teaching him. I think she is getting sick of it at this point. but she made her bed on this one.

Am I making any sense? I know this is gonna sound bad. :

[Aeress]

I do believe that boys tend to use physical means of expressing themselves as they acquire language and grow emotionally. I don't see this as a stereotype as much as an understanding of boys brain development.

Does that mean I expect boys to hit or that it is acceptable to hit? No, I don't but understanding that some boys do tend to be more physical, whether it is the child's nature to be more physical or whether a predetermined belief about boys is playing into, I believe it is helpful to remember that some boys are more physical than others.

[transformed]

I dont see anything wrong with a little bit of fighting. A little bit.

It is a way of communicating that I do not understand, but I have seen boys get in fights with their friends and punch eachother, and then everything was ok again.

Sometimes I think thats a better tactic than the catfights we engage in as women.

Jenny

[honeybee]

Originally Posted by transformed

Comforting is ok to a point. At some point you have to begin teaching your child to handle situations on their own though.

I will encourage my son to protect himself. Although I think its a fine line between teaching your kids to fight and teaching your kids to initiate fights. I dont want him to be unprepared for the inevitable playground scuffles that he will run in to as a boy.

The way my mom sheltered my brother from playground fights, instead of teaching him to deal with his aggressors plays a part in the way I see moms of boys. My brother was viewed as a wuss and a looser because mom always came to his rescue (much older than 4 though) I do not want my child to be socially scrutinized because I dont know when to get out of the way and let kids fight their own fights. (Again-I am not speaking to a 4 yr olds situation....)

My brother kind of never recovered from it. He is still pretty much a wuss. He is 23 and just whines to mama everytime someone says something mean to him. And mama just backs him up. Instead of teaching him. I think she is getting sick of it at this point. but she made her bed on this one.

Am I making any sense? I know this is gonna sound bad. :

I think it's important not to go to the other extreme by trying to avoid your parent's mistakes, however. I would definitely recommend reading "Raising Cain" recommended by a pp, or "Real Boys." You can offer emotional comfort while at the same time help teach a child (any child, not jut boys) to be assertive and handle some situations themselves.

I also totally disagree with the idea that you would teach a boy to hit another boy back, but not a girl. It's either okay to hit or it isn't. It's either okay to defend yourself physically or it isn't. I know a lot of girls who are bigger and stronger than boy the same age, so having different rules based on the sex of the attacker does not make much sense.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by honeybee

I think it's important not to go to the other extreme by trying to avoid your parent's mistakes, however. I would definitely recommend reading "Raising Cain" recommended by a pp, or "Real Boys." You can offer emotional comfort while at the same time help teach a child (any child, not jut boys) to be assertive and handle some situations themselves.

I also totally disagree with the idea that you would teach a boy to hit another boy back, but not a girl. It's either okay to hit or it isn't. It's either okay to defend yourself physically or it isn't. I know a lot of girls who are bigger and stronger than boy the same age, so having different rules based on the sex of the attacker does not make much sense.

Boys are stronger than girls. its just biological. Even feminism cant change that. I dont know "Alot" of girls who are stronger than the boys. Mabye there is something in the water. Very few, actually.

I dont really advocate violence, but I do see it as part of life that we have to deal with.

I cant be so idealistic that I am no longer relavent in life. I am slowly learning that but I have a long way to go.

Idealy, in a perfect world, there would be no violence.

My dh has different views. I respect him for his views. We try to work together to come up with a solution. We do not live in a Utopian society, and we cannot pretend that we do.

My dh is totaly not a hippy, even though I am learnin' him-he is old school southern boy, and we have to reach a middle ground.

[VanessaS]

Is he getting the same amount of sleep each night? Maybe try keeping a food/sleep/activity journal and see if he is worse the day after a busy day, or after getting less sleep or eating something unusual.

Yes! I have noticed that it's much worse when he's tired or hungry or (strangely) before he poops. I get the impression that the hitting is actually unrelated to what's going on around him. He was a late talker and still has a lot of trouble expressing himself, especially when he's upset about something.

[dubfam]

Originally Posted by VanessaS

Yes! I have noticed that it's much worse when he's tired or hungry or (strangely) before he poops.

Sorry to derail the thread, but my son gets really wild if he has to go poop. I thought he was the only one. I don;t know how many times I have breathed a sigh of relief because he goes poop, and that means that his crazy behavior is over!!

What is up with that??

[transformed]

Originally Posted by dubfam

Sorry to derail the thread, but my son gets really wild if he has to go poop. I thought he was the only one. I don;t know how many times I have breathed a sigh of relief because he goes poop, and that means that his crazy behavior is over!!

What is up with that??

:
mine too.

[KBecks]

I would speak directly to the 4 year old, get down to his level and tell him that hitting is not acceptable. If he continued to hit, I would go and speak to the 4 year old's parent and tell them to make their child stop hitting or leave the play area.

I would also tell my child to say "don't hit me!", but I think it takes an adult to deliver the message to make it stop if this is a recurring issue and not a random behavior.

[KBecks]

Originally Posted by transformed

I dont see anything wrong with a little bit of fighting. A little bit.

It is a way of communicating that I do not understand, but I have seen boys get in fights with their friends and punch eachother, and then everything was ok again.

Sometimes I think thats a better tactic than the catfights we engage in as women.

Jenny

No. I don't think fighting is OK. I think there is "rough play" or "play fighting" that is not "real fighting" and both participants are having fun.

But real fighting is never OK.

I think self-defense is OK, but fighting should not be encouraged.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by KBecks

No. I don't think fighting is OK. I think there is "rough play" or "play fighting" that is not "real fighting" and both participants are having fun.

But real fighting is never OK.

I think self-defense is OK, but fighting should not be encouraged.

If only my dh was a hippy. LOL.

I wonder how parents get on the same page about this. I think sometimes I get very militant with my dh like "This is the way we're gonna do it and I dont care what you say," and it does more harm than the actual issue would have.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by transformed

I wonder how parents get on the same page about this. I think sometimes I get very militant with my dh like "This is the way we're gonna do it and I dont care what you say," and it does more harm than the actual issue would have.

Would he be okay with martial arts? They have a lot of good programs that deal with how to handle fighting.

[KBecks]

I am so not a hippie!

Violence is part of our world but we need to teach kids to shun violence, avoid it and defuse it whenever possible. Kids need to know how to protect themselves but that does not mean they need to attack others.

As for your husband, he's entitled to his opinions. In your situation, I'd try to use my parental influence to get the kids to see and live by my point of view.

[VanessaS]

Sorry to derail the thread, but my son gets really wild if he has to go poop. I thought he was the only one. I don;t know how many times I have breathed a sigh of relief because he goes poop, and that means that his crazy behavior is over!!

Yes, it is so crazy. :
Nobody believes me about this but I swear it's true. I can usually tell when he's about to poop because he starts running around in circles, jumping on the couch, screaming, hitting, etc. It goes on for at least 15 minutes and then he poops. He was potty trained for a while but it's hard to get him to stay still long enough to poop. He gets so agitated! It was like this his whole life (since he was born).

My DD was like this as a newborn as well and I decided to nip it in the bud this time. At 6 weeks we started ECing and now everytime she starts freaking out, we put her on the potty and she poops there immediately. Sweet relief. If only we'd known that before...