I'm asking humbly for help here, so please be gentle in your suggestions.
I spanked my 4.2 year old today. It isn't the first time, but it's the first time in a very long time (over a year, and before then it was three other times). I really thought I had gotten a handle on it. But I guess I was wrong.
We are going through a very rough patch with sibling rivalry lately. I posted about it a few days ago and the suggestion was that DS1 is frustrated and that just as I must advocate for my pre-verbal 2 year old (who is getting the brunt of it from the 4 yo), so too do I have to advocate for my 4 yo. I really heard that and took it to heart and have been doing this. What I've noticed is that even when I can help DS1 deal with his frustration over little brother's direct actions, he (DS1) often gets pissy and aggressive (verbally and physically) toward DS2 just b/c he is in a bad mood -- i.e. having nothing to do with DS2.
This is what happened today. He was mad/having a tantrum b/c I told him it was time to come inside. He'd been abusing our flowers repeatedly and I told him that if he couldn't play gently (yes, we modeled, redirected, etc. etc.) then we'd have to come inside. I don't see this as punishment, but prevention. Unfortunately, DS1 takes it as a punishment and that sends him into a tizzy. When he kicked his ball intentionally into the flowers again, I told him, in a very upbeat (i.e. not brow-beating) manner, "Ok, time to go inside." He flipped, started running and screaming hysterically. I scooped him up and carried him gently inside; he was beside himself. I suggested that he hit a pillow if he needed to "get it out". That was a no go. I suggested that we sit and read, or that he go up to his quiet corner (stuffies, books that he loves, etc) to calm down. None of these things abated his hysterics; he was past the point of talking -- one of those totally out-of-control tantrums. He started growling at DS2, I told him to stop. I said I know he is angry, but he can't take it out on DS2. I said, Tell me how mad you are. Growl at me, I said. He started lunging toward DS2, I tried to scoop him (DS2) up/out of the way, but I was too late. DS1 scratched his back and then kicked him very hard (he fell down and cut his lip). I totally snapped. I just turned him around and spanked his bum, hard.
: Then I told him to go upstairs (shouted really). He screamed NOOOOOO! and I told him to do it or I'd spank him again. : He was shocked, and sore (rubbing his tush) but went upstairs. I went up about 2 minutes later, after I cleaned up DS2's mouth and woke up my DH, who was napping, to look after him.
I apologized immediately. I told him that I lost my temper and I acted in a terrible way. I told him that no one should hit him, most especially not his mommy. I promised him that I would try my best never to do this again. Then I started discussing his behavior; I reminded him that he can't take his anger out on his brother, that he isn't his punching bag. I told him I want to help him learn to 'hold himself' when he is that angry. And he said "You didn't hold yourself when you spanked me.": Oy. What could I say? I told him he was right. That I set a terrible example for him, but that I still wanted to try to help him get better control over his anger so that he doesn't hurt people when he's mad. I felt like the biggest hypocrite.
So that's it. We brainstormed a bit about things he could do when he was feeling angry. I asked him to think about it more and we'd talk again about it tomorrow.
Now I am left dealing with my part of this, which is how do I control these urges that I have to spank my child. I try to acknowledge it and let it pass through me, without acting on it (of course), but today, there was literally no time. I saw my younger son falling to the ground and I was reacting totally on instinct. For me, DS1's aggression, and particularly when it is directed toward DS2, is my trigger.
So, I'm asking: What do you do? When you have that urge, how do you reign yourself in? And, how do you work toward curbing that urge altogether? FTR, it isn't helpful to tell me, just commit to never hitting your child again. I do that. I *am* committed to never hitting my child. This isn't a disciplinary tactic; this is a total fight-or-flight gut instinct (awful, awful) reaction.
(And I know that DH and I need to strategize on how to better handle the sibling rivalry issues, but right now my concern is getting control over myself.)
Please help.
I spanked my 4.2 year old today. It isn't the first time, but it's the first time in a very long time (over a year, and before then it was three other times). I really thought I had gotten a handle on it. But I guess I was wrong.
We are going through a very rough patch with sibling rivalry lately. I posted about it a few days ago and the suggestion was that DS1 is frustrated and that just as I must advocate for my pre-verbal 2 year old (who is getting the brunt of it from the 4 yo), so too do I have to advocate for my 4 yo. I really heard that and took it to heart and have been doing this. What I've noticed is that even when I can help DS1 deal with his frustration over little brother's direct actions, he (DS1) often gets pissy and aggressive (verbally and physically) toward DS2 just b/c he is in a bad mood -- i.e. having nothing to do with DS2.
This is what happened today. He was mad/having a tantrum b/c I told him it was time to come inside. He'd been abusing our flowers repeatedly and I told him that if he couldn't play gently (yes, we modeled, redirected, etc. etc.) then we'd have to come inside. I don't see this as punishment, but prevention. Unfortunately, DS1 takes it as a punishment and that sends him into a tizzy. When he kicked his ball intentionally into the flowers again, I told him, in a very upbeat (i.e. not brow-beating) manner, "Ok, time to go inside." He flipped, started running and screaming hysterically. I scooped him up and carried him gently inside; he was beside himself. I suggested that he hit a pillow if he needed to "get it out". That was a no go. I suggested that we sit and read, or that he go up to his quiet corner (stuffies, books that he loves, etc) to calm down. None of these things abated his hysterics; he was past the point of talking -- one of those totally out-of-control tantrums. He started growling at DS2, I told him to stop. I said I know he is angry, but he can't take it out on DS2. I said, Tell me how mad you are. Growl at me, I said. He started lunging toward DS2, I tried to scoop him (DS2) up/out of the way, but I was too late. DS1 scratched his back and then kicked him very hard (he fell down and cut his lip). I totally snapped. I just turned him around and spanked his bum, hard.
: Then I told him to go upstairs (shouted really). He screamed NOOOOOO! and I told him to do it or I'd spank him again. : He was shocked, and sore (rubbing his tush) but went upstairs. I went up about 2 minutes later, after I cleaned up DS2's mouth and woke up my DH, who was napping, to look after him.I apologized immediately. I told him that I lost my temper and I acted in a terrible way. I told him that no one should hit him, most especially not his mommy. I promised him that I would try my best never to do this again. Then I started discussing his behavior; I reminded him that he can't take his anger out on his brother, that he isn't his punching bag. I told him I want to help him learn to 'hold himself' when he is that angry. And he said "You didn't hold yourself when you spanked me."
: Oy. What could I say? I told him he was right. That I set a terrible example for him, but that I still wanted to try to help him get better control over his anger so that he doesn't hurt people when he's mad. I felt like the biggest hypocrite.So that's it. We brainstormed a bit about things he could do when he was feeling angry. I asked him to think about it more and we'd talk again about it tomorrow.
Now I am left dealing with my part of this, which is how do I control these urges that I have to spank my child. I try to acknowledge it and let it pass through me, without acting on it (of course), but today, there was literally no time. I saw my younger son falling to the ground and I was reacting totally on instinct. For me, DS1's aggression, and particularly when it is directed toward DS2, is my trigger.
So, I'm asking: What do you do? When you have that urge, how do you reign yourself in? And, how do you work toward curbing that urge altogether? FTR, it isn't helpful to tell me, just commit to never hitting your child again. I do that. I *am* committed to never hitting my child. This isn't a disciplinary tactic; this is a total fight-or-flight gut instinct (awful, awful) reaction.
(And I know that DH and I need to strategize on how to better handle the sibling rivalry issues, but right now my concern is getting control over myself.)
Please help.
Wow, what a tough situation. I totally understand the 'mama bear' instinct when it comes to protecting your little ones, especially if you know it's been a problem before, and you are on your guard about it. I don't have the urge to hit but I do have the urge to yell, say things I don't mean, ect. When I feel this welling up inside, I have to get alone. I know in this situation, it wasn't entirely possible, since you have the little one to comfort. I think in that situation, I would put all my energy in calming down the baby. Really really focus on that. Don't deal with the older kid until you are calmer. When possible (when kids are safe, ect) walk away. Take a deep, very SLOOOOOWWW breath. I need to do this a few times. And they need to be slow. Like almost uncomfortable yoga breathing slow. I need to calm my racing heart a little. I think in this situation, it was almost (almost) unavoidable, since it was a reaction, not something you planned to do. It's still not ok, of course, but you know that, you are working on it, and most importantly, you talked to your ds about it. I think as you work with him on his own anger, you will also be able to see things you can do for your anger. I think this is actually a good thing for both of you to go through together. Sometimes, we forget just how hard it is to control ourselves, and we ask it of our kids all the time. Sometimes when I'm yelling at dd to "CHILL OUT AND LAY DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP!!!" I look at myself and feel terrible. It's only happened a couple of times, but still, it's a stinging reminder of how hard it is for little ones. HTH
: I'm right there with you mama
And third, thank you for the suggestions to read and reflect more on what's at the root of this trigger. I will check out the book about anger and I like the idea to think more about my own sibling relationships (I'm also a first, but a girl and 6 years older, so there is a world of difference.)
