Coping with infertility...

[ItyBty]

So I have to ask - How do you deal with the emotion and stress of infertility? I'm getting to a point where the stress just seems to get worse with every passing BFN, and I'm just looking for healthier ways of dealing with it than what I've been doing. (Which is basically crying and moping and eating, which has led to me gaining a bunch of weight in the last year)

[quantumleap]

I'm sorry ItyBity.
I don't have any sage advice for you. We're at about the same time line - two years and counting, and the whole journey is absolutely exhausting, isn't it? I remember you from the ttc boards from way back when we were both just starting to ttc.
I find that things are getting better with time. Part of it maybe is that we have dealt with this for so long that I have learned to turn off some of the feelings? Not healthy, but, for the time being, it is better than the alternative! Also, a child (actually, we want 5 or 6!) has always seemed like something that was essential to my very existence, and I am coming to realize that we don't have children, but I am still here and still enjoying life. Not that I wouldn't give all my limbs and wordly possessions and most any other thing for children, but I am living without them.
We also got some new neighbours recently. A couple in their fifties. We barely knew them, and the first thing the woman was talking about was how she always wanted children but wasn't able to have any, how her life is so unfulfilled without children, how she has boxes and boxes and boxes of children's clothes and toys (literally two full storage rooms)... It really drove home the fact that that is NOT the person I want to be in 30 years. I know that won't be us, because we also plan to adopt, whether the ttc thing works out or not, but adoption isn't necessarily going to rid me of all the baggage of such prolonged ttc. So, I've been making a point of being thankful for the things I do have, and friends have been really gracious with allowing me to be a favored person in their children's lives. (I know that can be really painful for some people, but I have been truly blessed that it is mostly a positive thing for me)
I will say that I am currently living with the fear that the decreased desperation to have a child means that we will not succeed in ttc. Awhile ago, in the midst of a particularly painful period, I prayed that we would either become pregnant or that we would lose the desire to do so. Now that the desire is different, I'm afraid that means "no babies for you!". Clearly I have a slightly flawed view of the Creator - I think I see Him as a bit of a genie in a bottle, always looking for a way to twist my wishes in order to *not* give me what I really want. I have so, so much to learn.
Mostly though, I think I keep being blessed with people and situations who feed me hope. We got a big dump of snow a few days ago, and it has stuck around. It's snowing again now, and while I am sad to see the end of summer/autumn, all this snow is giving us a whole new world. Everything feels fresh and new and full of possibility. Soon lakes will freeze and the space we roam will be expanded. New activities are soon going to be accessible (woo! skijoring!). For some reason, this is filling me with hope that our child will make his/her way to us soon. I really do hope that you can find similar hope in your life.
Practially - do you have someone you can talk to about all of this? I really think women need other women to confide in. What kind of exercise are you getting? I've been getting back into yoga recently, and I really like the slowness of it. It's condusive to thinking about nothing but what you are doing - breathing and moving. I find swimming to be much the same - breathe, move limbs, repeat. I call it meditation, even though it's not done in the typical manner. Good books (completely unrelated to fertility) and cleaning are also cathartic for me. I realize that, unless I am totally focused on something else, pregnancy/conception/infertility is constantly on my mind. At this point it's involuntary! But, your head needs a break from all that stress.
Wishing you much peace, and less stress
Katia

[mamastotwo]

The stress is so tough, and sometimes it seems so unfair. The thing that kept us going as a couple is we got to the point where we didn't discuss it. Even if we got a BFP our rule was not to discuss until we say the heartbeat. It worked for our relationship, but we went through a lot of stress figuring out what did. We also had little mantras. On was when ever things were not going well i would turn on the song "I get knocked down but i get up again, you ain't never gonna keep me down." And we would dance and sing our hearts out (and cry.) You gotta find what works and do it no matter how silly - JMHO. Take care.

[mamastotwo]

The stress is so tough, and sometimes it seems so unfair. The thing that kept us going as a couple is we got to the point where we didn't discuss it. Even if we got a BFP our rule was not to discuss until we say the heartbeat. It worked for our relationship, but we went through a lot of stress figuring out what did. We also had little mantras. On was when ever things were not going well i would turn on the song "I get knocked down but i get up again, you ain't never gonna keep me down." And we would dance and sing our hearts out (and cry.) You gotta find what works and do it no matter how silly - JMHO. I also did about six months of antidepressants and talk therapy during a particularly painful period and it really helped too.
Take care.

[funnygrace]

Itybty I was going to write something, but Katia's post is what I'd write, right down to the fear that becoming more okay with not having a child will manifest that reality in some way. But I know that it is healthy to feel good about my life as it is... but when I do feel good, I have that fear that "wanting" will help make the child come. Maybe I can turn that around and think that being okay and happy will make the child want to come. That's who I want to be for the child--happy with my own life and able to share with her or him.

I've turned off a lot of feelings as well. I'm so exhausted by ttc that it has become almost uninteresting. I had a choice--I could either lose it or find other interests that are uplifting. And I'm living in a way that will make pregnancy a bit of a surprise--perhaps even an inconvenience. I'm almost able to plan my life without thinking about a possible pregnancy (this is not totally true... but I'm trying). TTC has really kept me at home for the past 2 years, and I think I'm ready to plan a few trips. Better to cancel them than to constantly live like I am just about to be pregnant. It turns out that "just about to be pregnant" doesn't exist.

I can almost think of my career without regard to a possible pregnancy. I'm excited about upcoming projects and trips.

I stopped sewing things for babies. I started sewing things for myself. I stopped researching midwives, diapers, toys, patterns, etc. for baby. I had planned but now I am on hold. I can't keep actively planning.

One thing that keeps me sane is that many of my friends do not have children (or have grown ones). I would have a very difficult time if my social circles were entirely child-centered. There are a few children, but even they are more a part of their parents rich lives and not the main topic of conversation. I still feel socially relevant and fulfilled.

And I have on-line friends who are going through the same fertility struggles. That is a big help!

[ann109]

s, no answers, just s from the same boat

[ItyBty]

Thanks guys - I think my issue is mainly that I am not, and will not be, ok with not having children. It's not going to ever be "ok" with me. I can not fathom life without children, and I am not willing to do so. I can't stop trying and stop working towards someday being a mother, because it's the only thing I've ever been able to see myself doing, and its the only dream I truly have for myself.

It wasn't as hard until people around me started having kids. The first year or so we were trying none of our friends had kids - then one by one they are getting pregnant (there are 3 newly pregnant people in my life right now) and each one is just another weight on my shoulders. I've said it elsewhere that I don't begrudge these women their babies, just the ease in which they were conceived.

[papschmitty]

I'm so sorry!

I wish I had some earth shattering advice that could take your pain away but I don't think it even exists. I'm a very driven person; when there's something I want (education, career, etc.) I go at it full force and don't accept anything less than success. It's great for college and the work place but not for trying to have a baby. I'm a Christian and it drove me crazy when people told me that it was part of God's plan. I don't think God chooses suffering for us. He didn't choose for my grandma to disintegrate with Alzheimer's, he didn't choose for my mother to die suddenly from cancer, and he didn't choose our infertility. I believe that God (or whatever higher power you might believe in) is there to help us through the hard times and there are always lessons to learn from life's struggles. We don't suffer for the sake of learning a lesson, we suffer because life is hard and sucks sometimes but we become better people for it. Through my struggle with IF I have learned that I cannot control everything, that there are some goals that are beyond me, no matter how driven I am. For me, it helped to identify the end point - when we would stop trying. I knew that I wanted to be a mom, however that might come about. So for us, we decided how many treatment cycles we would persue and then after that, we would start the adoption process. That took a big load off of me. It made me realize that I would be a mother no matter what; I just might get there on a different path than I had wanted. I didn't feel like such a failure. I tried to find things to do to pamper myself, to take care of my spirit. I only talked about my IF struggle with the people who truly understood what I was going through and who gave me unconditional support (instead of idiotic advice). I got up the guts to say no to baby showers and children's birthday parties if I wasn't feeling up to it. I tried to find other sources of joy in my life. None of this was easy and none of it was a magic solution that totally took my pain away, but it did make like easier to be happy in.

On a sillier note, when we were first officially diagnosed with unexplained IF I was devastated. I was so depressed. My mom and sister took me out to lunch and they gave me the movie Napoleon Dynamite as a gift. I had already seen it and I laughed so hard I gave myself an asthma attack. Any time I was feeling really down, I'd watch Napoleon and laugh my @ss off. Laughter, if you can muster it up, does amazing things for your soul.

[LisaG]

ItyBty

It sucks. There's just no way around it. Some days it sucks less and some days it sucks more.

I'm lucky that I share an office with a friend who's been down this road herself and is extremely supportive. I'm also realizing that my tendency to be private about TTC and our struggles hasn't always been such a good thing. People don't get any less clueless over time. Recently I've been opening up a little bit to family and some friends - letting them know that it sucks and I'm tired of the ttc treadmill.

I've also been seeing a therapist the past few months. This past April when it was anniversary #3 of mc #1, I hit bottom, or some kind of bottom at any rate. My therapist has been great - she uses EMDR with me sometimes when I'm having a particularly rough time.

Part of my struggle has also been that I try not to dwell on it. Not that I think I should, but in my struggle to be FINE! and OK!, I stuff my grief. Then I get afraid that the tsunami will run me over, so I stuff some more, and then it comes out all sideways. So I'm learning to trust that if I let myself really feel the h*ll of it all for a little bit, it diminishes the angst.

Writing also helps me a lot.

[Scout5]

Hello,
I'm new to this forum but thought I'd reply. I've been dealing with infertility for over 5 years. I began trying to concieve at age 28. There are no ways to ease the heartache around the quest for a family. I believe it takes a great deal of courage and grace to keep up with daily life while experiencing all of this.
I do, however, wish that I had come to terms with our situation earlier. I wish that a doctor along the way had suggested seeing an endocrinologist. I wish I'd taken our fertility into my own hands a little sooner. I spent years achingly hoping for the baby that just never came. We did the typical HSG and hysteroscopy, acupuncture and so on. Now, we are in the midst of our first IVF attempt but I wonder if we would be here now if I'd demanded answers and actively sought out the right care in the very beginning. Our decision to do IVF comes, obviously, after years of struggle, clomid and miscarriages and we are tired and weary of this whole journey. Its been a long road of letting go.
I just want women to remember you're in control (even though you may feel you're not). Get second opinions, go to the specialists and get rid of the doctors who give you ridiculous stats about miscarriages and fertility. No one should tell you it takes x amount of years trying and x amount of miscarriages in order to have a fertility workup! No one has the right to dictate how long you need to endure the pain of infertility to get answers.
I found out recently that I have a small polyp on my pituitary gland. This means I produce an elevated level of prolactin which, incidently, can prevent a woman from concieving (hence my stress to see an endocrinologist). I wish I'd known this after year one of trying. I wonder if I would have a family by now?
It makes all the difference to be proactive and empowered by getting the answers you need- and declining a few baby shower invites along the way helps too!
Hope this helps.