How would you have handled this?

[littlemama06]

Our life is a little stessful right now,we found out my dh's sister was living in her truck with two kids,5months and 6 years.I am PG with #2. My mom and dad are letting SIL move in with them so yesterday while mom was helping SIL and the kids get settled,my dad and i went to buy a few things they needed.

My dd is 15 months and VERY active.SInce she started walking she refuses to be worn in a sling, ride in a shopping cart, ride in a stoller.All she wants to do is run, FAST! WE were in Goodwill and dd wouldnt get in her sling,wouldnt sit in the cart for more then 2 minutes,she screamed to be let out of the cart and when she was put down would start running.I tried sitting down and nursing her,she would have no part of it. After about 15 minutes of this i lost it.I picked her up and told her she had to stay in the cart an that we wouldbe leaving in just a few.She started screaming at the top of her lungs and pointing at me saying 'no, no, no, no" I felt so bad for her, and then i started crying.Some lady looked at me and said " you need to tan her hide": I finally left dad to check out and took dd outside.

We were both stressed out and we both cried most of the way home.
What should I have done differently,I hate dd being so upset but i couldnt avoid going shopping.Any ideas or suggestions.

Thanks,
Kaitlin

[ejbamommy]

Wow. Could you have involved her in trying to pick things out or have her help put things in the cart?
I don't have alot of suggestions but I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry that you had to go through that! I can't believe someone would even think of saying that to you. I'm so sorry! HUGS to you and your daughter!

[littlemama06]

Thanks so much...

I tried to get her to help asked her to hold things, she threw everything in the cart out and then tried to climb out herself. I just dont have as much patience as i did.
Kaitlin

[mommy2abigail]

At that age, it's just impossible to expect them to sit still for a long (or any!) amount of time. Snacks worked with dd sometimes, but mostly, we just let her run around, while either me or dh followed her and the other person did the shopping. If she got crazy, one of us would take her outside, it's amazing what a little fresh air will do! I can not imagine what my response would have been to that unbelievable woman...:

[junipermuse]

Many people will disagree with me, but this is the type of situation when a children's harness (or leash) would probably work. It would give dd the freedom to walk, run, or otherwise move about free from the cart or sling, but without being able to run away. I know some pople find them disrespectul probably because of the connation of a dog on a leash, but frankly I know several AP families who use one occasionally and it seems to work out well. It's great for a child who really needs to move around a lot especially with a pregnant mommy who might otherwise have trouble keeping up. Even if it makes you uneasy at first it might be worth a try. If you both leave the store happy rather than in tears that seems more respectful for both of you.

[knitting_mama]

oh how awful. i'm in the same boat with my 2 y/o and 14 month old, so i have no advice, but i must say, that woman was incredibly out of line.
i'm so sorry you had to hear that.

[Mom2Joseph]

My DS was like that and so is my DD. This is one area where I do not give in. They MUST stay in the stroller (or sling). No questions. Non-negotiable. Around here kids are snatched that way. It is too easy to lose them quickly in a store. If they started screaming (and wouldn't stop) then we would leave. Most of the time, they only fussed when tired/hungry/over stimulated.

I will say that I have made every effort to make it a place they enjoy being....snacks, toys, etc. And to take them out when they are well rested and can enjoy being out!

[GuildJenn]

15 months is crazy that way! (Well for my son it was a bit later 'cause he was a late walker but - still!)

I agree with pps... my strategies were the snacks/toys/drinks in the cart (the only place he ever got cheddar bunnies), and also a harness. (I know some people don't like them, but they were great for us.)

It does gradually get better in some ways. My son will follow me now... sometimes.

[NotTheOnlyOne]

my ds is 15 months and is exactly like that. The only thing that he will sit still for right now is a box of raisins. It takes him a while to dig them out

I cannot believe someone said that to you....

[captain optimism]

You did the best you could under the circumstances. There really isn't any better you can do than that. I would bring a toy for her to play with in the cart, or maybe more than one. My son at that age could go for awhile with a paper bag in the grocery store. But you're right, you're stressed and she's picking up on it.

[suzylou]

Originally Posted by junipermuse

Many people will disagree with me, but this is the type of situation when a children's harness (or leash) would probably work. It would give dd the freedom to walk, run, or otherwise move about free from the cart or sling, but without being able to run away. I know some pople find them disrespectul probably because of the connation of a dog on a leash, but frankly I know several AP families who use one occasionally and it seems to work out well. It's great for a child who really needs to move around a lot especially with a pregnant mommy who might otherwise have trouble keeping up. Even if it makes you uneasy at first it might be worth a try. If you both leave the store happy rather than in tears that seems more respectful for both of you.

I was going to suggest exactly the same thing. Gives her some scope to move about without feeling all restricted in a sling/stroller/cart, but means that you're sure she's not going to run anywhere you can't reach her.

I'm new to the whole AP/GD thing but do people REALLY think this is disrespectful for the reasons you stated?!

[Belleweather]

I would have done the same thing. Our general 'troubleshooting' plan for DS and his "All-done cart!" problem is:

1. Offer a toy/snack/something cool to play with in the cart, play with him, or try to engage him in something fun while still getting shopping done
2. give him a chance to walk while holding a hand or the cart (rarely works)
3. If there's another adult, have that adult take him outside/walk him around so he can have fun.

and, if all else fails,

4. Tell him he must stay in the cart, finish whatever we absolutely HAVE to do as quickly as possible, and give the death glare to anyone who suggests I'm a bad mama because he's having a tantrum in the cart.

I really wish there were a perfect GD solution to the whole thing, but it's one of those nasty places where there's no way for everyone to get what they want, so you do the best you can.

[Ruthla]

When my kids were around that age, and at that level of development, I didn't let them run freely in stores at all. They had a choice of sling, stroller/shopping cart, or harness. The harness (aka "leash") was truly a lifesaver with kids at that stage, they could run around a little but still stay safe. It gave them the freedom to walk or run around a little when otherwise they would have needed to be restrained for their own safety.

I first bought a harness when I was very pg with #2 and we were in a "baby store" buying stuff for the new baby. DD1 wouldnt' settle down or stay close to us, so we decided to get a harness for her (it also worked in the high chair to keep her from climbing out.) We used the same one for DD2 when she was ready for it, and then I purchased one for DS when he was a toddler. None of my kids needed the harness for more than a few months- after that, they learned to stay near me in public places and simply outgrew the urge to wander around so much. But for those few months it was a lifesaver!

If I didn't have a harness, or didn't have it with me, then I would have given her a few chances to walk near me, and then she would have had to stay in the shopping cart no matter how much she cried. Keeping them safe is more important than keeping them happy.

I hope your SIL and her kids get settled in quickly, and I'm glad they're no longer living in a car. Dealing with little stresses (like rude people when you're shopping and already tired and shopped-out) is always more difficult when you're already stressed out with big worries. DD probably sensed your stress and was fussier than usual because of it.

[Kwgrlup]

I second the harness. They are a life/stress saver when you have a runner. I would use the sling as a harness in a pinch with DS. Also, when all else failed I would stick them in the cart/stroller and let them throw their tantrum and get the last important items and leave. Safety for me comes before my child screaming or what others think. Sometimes having them cry while in the cart for a few minutes is the safest place for them to be. This does not make you a bad Mama, it makes you a good Mama for putting your child in the safest place at the time.

[Fuamami]

I personally wouldn't have used a harness at 15 months, though I do now. When my kids were 15 mos, they had NO self control to not throw everything off of the shelf. I would have just left, I guess. Though when we are at the thrift store I usually get a bunch of toys and put them in the cart and let them play with them one at a time while I browse.

As far as the woman telling you to "tan her hide", I probably would have told her to shut the F up before I tanned hers, so that's not very good advice! Sorry for the stressful situation!

[mary3mama]

I don't have a 15 month old now, so maybe I'm not remembering it well (both sons, now 8 & 4 went through stages like you describe; infant daughter not 'there' yet...), but from memory...

- get separate cart just for that child & have a fashion show...you & she pick many things, the more outrageous & wrong-sized, the better. As log as she stays in the basket part of thecart, she can try on 'costumes'.

- pretend said cart is a race car, rocket ship, tugboat...when trying on costumes fails to work.

- get a toy and have her play with it in the cart.

Basically, in the wonderful words of Lawrence Cohen (Playful Parenting), 'follow the giggles.' My 4yo is a persistent little so-and-so. I can never unwedge him directly, but if I get him engaged and giggling, we can make progress.

hth,

[sea_joy]

Originally Posted by suzylou

I was going to suggest exactly the same thing. Gives her some scope to move about without feeling all restricted in a sling/stroller/cart, but means that you're sure she's not going to run anywhere you can't reach her.

I'm new to the whole AP/GD thing but do people REALLY think this is disrespectful for the reasons you stated?!

This is all my opinion, if it bothers you, please finish reading before you respond.

Having a child on a leash is disrespectful to a child because it does not teach them anything about the situation they are in other than that they are being controlled. AP parenting is not about control, it is about doing what is most difficult, doing whatever it takes to handle a situation while mainting their autonomy and right to make decisions about thier bodies.

This is one of those things that kids do, they run around. Sometimes you just have to cope with each situation the best you can, and understand that it will get better, assuming you will continue to AP parents and communicate with your child about safety, boundries and your wishes.

I feel very strongly about having a child on a leash, and yes, it does partly have to do with the fact that the onyl other things that are on leashes are dogs. Dogs are unable to control themselves sometimes, and they will be that way thier whole lives. So unless your child will never be able to control themselves, and you don't have to bother communicating with them, then a leash is not approptiate.

My Mother has 6 kids under the age of 10 at one point. Sometimes we ran around, but mostly we understood safety and boundries, as soon as we were conceptually able to. We were *never* put on leashes. To expect a child to understand boundries at 15 MO is a situational thing, but is you put them on a leash it doesn't teach them about how to interact with things any better, it just makes you dependent on a piece of equipment (what happens if you forget it? You're kid has learned they can run all over, and now there is no way at all to corrall him).

For the Mom's who use a leash, I don't mean to offend, it was just a question raised about why leashes (or harnesses, whichever you preferr) are offensive to some people. I certainly don't consider them the worst thing you can do to your child, and your child will obviously cognatively develop at a certain age to be able to understand boundries. I respect your right to make the choices that are best for your families.

I would suggest however to try distracting or entartaining the child, and if the situation becomes totally unpleasant for both of you to (if you have the option, or another adult to finish for you) leave. Otherwise, sometimes your kid is the tantrum kid. Old ladies will say stupid things, and people will wonder why you don't "control" your child. Oh well. This too shall pass.

-Crystal

[littlemama06]

Thanks everybody. I have thought about this all day. Next time i will try some of the suggestions. I did try giving her a snack (dried cranberries) she threw them!

I didnt realize 15 months was going to be so HARD, on me and her.She has just learned she can actually control her enviroment, and she does..empting the dogs bowl, throwing all the pillows off the couch, unmaking the bed right after i make it, "helping" me fold ( unfold) clothes, this was just since 3 pm, it is 6:30 here now...it goes on and on: .She is very funny and i dooooo lov eher to bits,i just wantto show her respect while still keeping her safe.I am glad she wants to explore.

Thanks again everyone,
Kaitlin

[mamahart]

Ok

You are fine. It is alright for a child to scream and even cry without being punished. Going outside seems to be the only solution. I remember going in and out of the store 3 or 4 times to finish shopping because I needed to get my little one in a better space. They do learn rationality and patience eventually. And who cares about the made bed or the folded clothes!! Snuggle that little one and remember that being a mom is the most important and hardest job ever!

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by sea_joy

This is all my opinion, if it bothers you, please finish reading before you respond.

Having a child on a leash is disrespectful to a child because it does not teach them anything about the situation they are in other than that they are being controlled. AP parenting is not about control, it is about doing what is most difficult, doing whatever it takes to handle a situation while mainting their autonomy and right to make decisions about thier bodies.

Definitely not arguing but I had to laugh 'cause these were exactly my reasons for using a harness - I didn't want to have the choice be either to confine my son/hold him up/have his poor little arm stuck up over his head holding onto my hand, or to only let him down in our backyard or the park. Or be correcting every. single. moment.

I saw the harness as a nice middle ground - he could explore tons, until he got to the end of it. Sort of a gradually expanding sphere of autonomy.

At about 23 mos we retired it (at least I think we did; I'm not even sure where it is at the moment); his needs and abilities have changed and we are working things out in new ways.