WWYD? MIL waking baby at 11 pm to play (Long Rant)

[Ubelle]

I will start by saying the my MIL and I have had issues/ differences since the first day DH and I started dating, so maybe I am just super sensitive to anything she does, but she really rubs the wrong way 90% of the time.

This weekend we traveled down to visit with friends and my in-laws, DH was attending a stag party Saturday evening and I would be visiting with a dear friend and her 3.5 yo son, who I haven seen for 3 months. Our schedule was as follows:
** A B-day part here near home Saturday from 12 – 2pm, we left at 1:30.
** Then a 4 – 4.5 hr drive down to friend’s town (in-laws live in the same area)
** DH and I head over to friend’s house so he can catch a ride to the stag and my friend and I can go to dinner (with the two children DD – 5 mo and her DS 3.5 yrs)
** After the stag, and my time with my friend, DH and I would be heading over to stay at the in-laws house for the night (arrive fairly late) and we would be spending Sunday morning with them, leaving after lunch.

When we planned the weekend and DH talked to his parents, he mentioned that we would all see his mother in the morning, he would be seeing his dad at the stag party, and presumable a ride home with him. He said this again when we called on the drive down just to confirm all the plans.

So our plans went exactly as stated above, until arriving at the in-laws. DH arrived about 15 minutes before me, I arrived at 11/ 11:15 pm, and FIL had gone to bed, however MIL was still up, and she came racing out to the car looking for DD, who was blissfully asleep in her car seat, which I had removed from the car along with the diaper bag. MIL opened up the car and was frantically searching for the baby, after a cursory “hello” to me, all she could say was “where is she”
ME: In her care seat on the other side (meaning the other side of the car, MIL walked past her) asleep.
MIL: Oh (disappointed)

DH carried DD in her bucket, while I grabbed just the essentials for the night. MIL offered to carry the baby in, so DH could get our bags, he said no, we were taking her in and putting her in bed and we didn’t want to wake her up.

DH put the car seat down (he wasn’t sure if I wanted to take the whole thing up to our room or just the baby, at home it would be just the baby) MIL was immediately fawning over DD, touching, rearranging blankets, ohhing and ahhing, etc. : I took a deep breath to calm down, and DH asked her, very nicely, to stop since we didn’t want to wake her up, and if she woke up now it would take forever to put her to sleep and since it was late we wanted to sleep without spending hours putting DD back down.

MIL made disappointed sounds again, and was still hovering, so DH grabbed the seat and headed up to our room, I followed and so did MIL, into our room. DH puts DD down and I am getting ready to get her out of the seat and into her bed (a pack and play which has been moved to the draftiest spot in the room, a whole different rant) but MIL has begun talking to DH and giving him a guided tour of things she left for us on the bed, including a bucket of coins she found that DH had collected as a child, she moved/ picked up something which resulted in a large number of coins falling into the cup, the noise of course woke up DD , who I got out of her bucket (I had been waiting because I knew if DD stirred or opened her eyes MIL would play with her, because she was “already awake” – it has happened many times before) DD was still sleep and I was snuggling hopping she would fall back to sleep, but MIL was very happy and was very animatedly talking, smiling, and cooing at DD. Now DD was fully awake. I was seething and ignored MIL (if I hadn’t I may have done something rash), MIL stayed about 5 mins longer and continues engaging DD and then left happy as can be.

The night was horrible, DD wouldn’t sleep more than 45 min at a time, she was nursing tons, over tired and cranky, we tried to co-sleep her in the full size bed, not comfortable at all, so none of the three of us got much sleep. DD eventually went down at 7 am Sunday morning.

DH had a word with his mother before I showed up for breakfast, both DH and I are the type that once we are awake in the morning, we are up – I might be able to nap later in the day, but DH just doesn’t nap. So at breakfast MIL apologized in the following way.

“sorry you guys didn’t get any sleep, but that’s what you get for not bringing her by to see me first.” :

I seethed some more and suppressed my urge to throttle MIL, and DH was floored and just stared at his mother. FIL was smart and stayed out of it.

Early that morning/ late the night before I had told DH that his mother had woken DD up on purpose, he disagreed. Well after that comment he agreed with me, but nothing was said to MIL.
And now last night DD had a hard time falling asleep since she slept all day, and today all she wants is to sleep, she wouldn't evening take her morning bottle (EBM) at Daycare, they had to wake up up at 11 form her morning nap afraid she might not sleep again, an then at lunch she was still so tired she didn't nurse great and she wasn't even playing when I got there,just sitting there staring off into space. She's that tired. She was asleep again at 12:45.

But the thing is, even with the distance between us (a 4 hr drive on a good day) the in-laws still see DD about every two weeks, where as my parents (1 hr away) see her once a month. And MIL still want to see DD more, and she had the nerve to ask Sunday, “when do I get to have you” to DD with me in the room.
ME: “not for a long time yet”

I think I showed a lot of restraint not causing her physical harm or verbally attacking, but then again, if I ever disagree with MIL or let her know she is wrong, she takes it out on DH or goes crying to him that I was hurtful and mean, while she was just being helpful, so I end up having to apologize and grovel etc. So now I just try to ignore her, which worked great until DD came along.

This isn't an isolated thing I feel like MIL treats DD as her own living breathing doll that she's entitled to play with whenever she wants.

What would you have done or said?

Part of me wants to restrict her visits and our visits with her, but I love FIL and don't wan't to deprive DD of her grandparents but I feel like MIL doesn't repect me, DH or DD. DH doesn't want to be so drastic either.


Thanks for sticking with me, I needed to get that out.

[marybethorama]

I think it's the "empty nest" thing....

Someone (sorry I forget who it was) mentioned that some grandparents seem to be going through some kind of "empty nest" phase They want to play with their grandchildren (which is great) BUT they have to have them "all to themselves" and they seem to have no respect for the child's actual parents.

For goodness' sake babies aren't dolls! They have needs and it's most likely that the parents are aware of those needs.

Also some inlaws <cough> are totally clueless about respecting people's space when they come to visit. Just because they have a baby doens't mean that they don't need privacy in their room FE.

I can totally see my MIL doing the coin thing FE.

[Ruthla]

I would never, ever plan to sleep over there again, unless you can time it so you're there for the evening so MIL can get her "playtime" before DD's normal bedtime.

Next time, make MIL and FIL come to you. And the next time you need to visit other people in their town, stay with other (more respectful) friends or relatives, or stay in a hotel and then meet up with the inlaws for breakfast.

[Katwoman]

My response is going to make it sound like I think you did something wrong, which I don't. But since you asked. I would have restricted contact between the two of them when we drove up. Sent my husband in to talk to his Mother in the kitchen or livingroom, he could explain the baby was asleep and you were taking her straight to the bedroom and MIL would see the baby in the morning. That would have minimized the amount of contact between them until the morning.

But, at least for me, parenting while dealing with other people is a steep learning curve. There is always something to learn. Now you've learned not to let your MIL near your DD when she's sleeping. And you and your DH can make a great team keeping her away, as long as your on the same page.

So I wouldn't deny her visiting privileges, but I would definite learn from this and be proactive with the MIL in the future. Unfortunately, practically no one will respect your boundaries as a parent. Some people do it in small ways by suggestion CIO will solve all your problems, some people do it big a'la your MIL. You'll just have to stand your ground - which can be done gently, but firmly - a lot. Just part of parenting I think. Some times it will be irritating and sometimes you'll just blow it off, but it's all worth it since it's in protection of your child(ren).

I'm sorry that happened! I hate it when my kids suffer because of other people. It's hard to be little in our society, a lot of people don't put much stock in the fact that children are people - with needs and wants of their own. It's too bad too. Kids deserve better. (But now I'm rambling.....)

[onlyzombiecat]

I would've woken mil up to deal with the baby while you slept as much as you could.

In future I would plan to stay somewhere else at night and see the inlaws during the day only.

[3*is*magic]

((((big hugs))))

I understand how you feel. Really. I was in a similar situation with my in-laws when DD #1 was born, and visiting made me STABBY. I would be a ball of nerves for at least a week before the visit, and require lots of red wine to recover .

Finally I figured out that it just wasn't worth it to fight them on their own turf, so I gave up. Now when we visit, we let them have their way with the kids - we get very little sleep and the kids generally end up being cranky and irritable. If that sounds like it's awful, it's because it is (though as the kids have gotten older, it's gotten easier.) It's only a few days, and the kids bounce back quickly. Usually they're relived to go home.

BUT - when the in-laws come to US, they play by OUR rules 100%. As a result, they (especially MIL) can see how much more fun and happy the kids are when they stay on their regular schedule, follow the house rules they're used to and get plenty of rest.

Now when we visit them (for a weekend every 4-6 weeks) the inlaws are a little better about letting us call the shots. And, we are better about saying things like, "Sure, we'll let the baby stay in your room tonight - just bring him in to nurse when he's hungry!" Why should the inlaws get all the sleep?

Of course, it took me until baby #2 came along to get to where I am now - so you have my utmost sympathy!!

[Jenlaana]

My parents are wonderful wonderful people, but they don't respect boundaries very much as far as the kids go. They just assume that they are right because they're older. It was way worse when I just had my DS, but thankfully whether it be time or age or the fact that I have a habit of avoiding people who piss me off for years at a time they have become much much better. (although they do things now that bother me once in a great while, but generally its not in front of me, or not too extreme)

In part, it sounds like your MIL just really really really wants to love on and bond with your child, and that part, should make you very happy. I understand though that you all dont get along. My IL's and I don't even speak unless forced. It would be hard for me to foster a good relationship with them, and I could never leave my child/children alone with them what so ever. But perhaps you could go out of your way just a little bit, to let them spend time together in your presence or your DH's? Of course that means you have to tolerate her more unfortunately.

I do understand respecting your parenting definitely, but it sounds like she really just wants to spend time w/ your babe and is not able to express it well to you, since you both dont get along.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by Katwoman

My response is going to make it sound like I think you did something wrong, which I don't. But since you asked. I would have restricted contact between the two of them when we drove up.

I think that's a good idea but if it were my MIL it would be very hard to restrict contact. You'd have to physically restrain her

[HarperRose]

Oh some of these responses crack me up!

We seldom visit my il's because my mil drives us ALL crazy. (When the kids have stayed w/ her, dd calls me up distressed about how memaw won't leave her alone! DD isn't even 6.)

Last time we stayed w/ the il's (sometime this past summer) dh and I were trying to get them in bed and settled and she just HAAAAAD to come in the room and putter around and touch this and fix that and tell us about this and that and blah blah blah. SHUT UP AND BACK OFF!!! We are TRYING to get them settled, not keep them riled up! What kills me about it is that the woman will even try to set up OUR showers for us. Me and DH! She walks into the room through CLOSED DOORS. She does this even at MY HOUSE. I don't let ppl in my bedroom. I don't like it. I try to remember to close my door behind me any time I go in or out just because she thinks she's entitled to waltz in or out as she pleases.

I am very, very patient and let a lot of crap go, but then I snap. And of course I'm sure she just can't understand why I'm snippy with her.

My advice (that I need to take myself!) is to just be very firm with her. "No, leave her alone. We can handle it. Back off. Let her be. We'll get ourselves into bed, thanks." Just keep being firm. My dh just figures if we ignore her she'll go away. : He's gotten much better about standing up for us, though.

[ggs]

Oooh, that makes me mad for you. I just don't get why it's so hard for ILs, or anyone else for that matter, to respect a baby's need for sleep. I mean, your poor baby had a terrible night and next day, and it appears that MIL didn't care, just to teach you a lesson? How selfish. :

Like other posters said, I would either avoid spending the night at ILs, or get DH to run interference while you put DD down. We've done this with my MIL, who, if we let her, would keep our kids up to play till whenever. We've had to be stern and forceful, and feelings have been hurt, but in the end, MIL knows that our kids function better (and we, as parents, function better) when the babies go to sleep at their regular bed time.

It's rough when family can't respect boundaries, but you do what you gotta do. Put your foot down. Hugs.

[Milkymommy]

Okay - somehow my mom had a secret son and you married him. Your MIL sounds so much like my mom. When my DD was a baby, my mom lived in NY and we lived in Fl. Anytime we would come to visit, my mom would get my DD all riled up. Once we arrived really, really late and we were so tired. My DD was about a year old. When we got to my mom's house was just dozing off. So, of course my mom had to wake her up. Turn on every light in the house. Show her the picture of a fairy that she put up in the kitchen : Sing songs. Open presents (not a holiday or birthday), etc, etc.

When my DD was an infant, my mom would sing loudly at her and wake her up while she was sleeping.

My DD is 7 years old now. She and my mom are bestest buddies. My mom moved to Fl near us. Probably to be closer to my DD. I love my mom, but sometimes she drives me and my sister nuts. We are therefore really glad that my mom and my DD are so close. They are like 2 peas in a pod.

It sounds like your MIL is not mean-spirited, just a little clueless. She just wants to love on her grandbaby. She was probably sitting there all day waiting her.

[JamesMama]

My IL's did this ONCE and I raised such a holy fit that it never happened again.

DH was helping his brother move, I was at my mom's doing laundry (or something I can't remember) James was just itty bitty, a few months old. And he was being a TERROR. He was exhausted and grumpy and screaming. I *finally* got him to sleep and into his car seat. As I'm on my way into town DH calls and says "Stop by Brother's house, everyone wants to see James." I say "James is asleep in the backseat. He's a grouch and I want him to sleep. They can SEE him but please tell them not to take him out/wake him up." DH promises they'll just SEE him.

I pull in the driveway and DH's aunt promptly comes up and removes James from his car seat. Of course he's awake and grumpy and wanting to nurse, but they ignore me.

After 20 minutes they finally let me leave (the whole time I'm shooting DH daggers) and we leave. He proceeds to scream the WHOLE WAY HOME (we lived 15 miles away) I called Josh half way there and SCREAMED AT HIM (his family heard) that James was screaming holy murder and would not stop and would probably continue to scream once we got home and it was all because his effing family cannot follow simple instructions and be human effing beings and let a baby sleep when they are sleeping and how dare they think that their need to be entertained by MY son supersedes MY sons NEED to sleep once in a while so he's not a complete grouch and he had better be on his effing way home because I was NOT going to deal with a screaming child for another minute longer when it was his fault that James was screaming in the first place.

The next day MIL, GMIL, and aunt all called to apologize. I told them that next time James is asleep they are to let him sleep. He's NOT a happy camper if he doesn't sleep and since THEIR son/grandson/nephew works 10 hours a day that leaves me to care for him because they cannot respect his need to sleep.

I guess it happened another time and a family war was started over this deal. At 2:00pm my SIL called and said she'd be in our town to see her grandparents, could she stop by and see James. I said sure. She stopped by at 8:30pm. Of COURSE James was sleeping. It caused a HUGE family war because I would not allow my SIL to wake up my sleeping 5 month old so she could play with him. :

GMIL and MIL both called to bitch me out, GMIL sent SEVERAL mean emails and it was basically a huge bru-haha I made DH handle it.

Who stops by 6 hours after they call and expects to be entertained by a baby? :

[leewd]

I didn't read all the replies, but this reminded me of a morning when DD1 woke up at 6am (she would normally sleep until 8 or later) and I found MIL rocking her in her room - DD was 2yo, NOT a baby!

I took Alex, sent MIL away, got in bed with DD and tried to nurse her back to sleep. But the damage was already done. Alex was up. So, I gave Alex back to MIL, told her to give her some breakfast and I went back to bed.

The way I saw it, MIL caused the problem by going in to my awake but NOT crying child and getting her out of bed, so it was HER problem now!

It totally pissed me off, it threw off Alex's naps, etc. But we all recovered.

So, my thought is buy some earplugs, give MIL a nursing schedule (bring her to me at 2am and 5am or whatever) and then let your MIL be the one to lose sleep. Afterall, you know the woman isn't going to "harm" your child even if DD loses sleep and is cranky. This way MIL gets to reap the consequences of the problem she has sown.

(BTW, I could go on and on about all the little things MIL has done, but I won't. No point in getting in a one-up battle of the MIL's! )

[MommytoTwo]

ooooohh...first of all I would have given her about a 2 second chance to shut up and get out of the way downstairs. After that I would have gotten a little rude. (not that she wasnt) I would have gotten right in her face and said "The baby is asleep and I dont want her woken up." If she followed me upstairs I would have whispered "we are fine, we'll be down in a minute" and shut the door in her face.

I understand gransmas want to see the kids but NOT at 11 pm. That was out of line and totally disrespectful.

I would also be informing them that the next time we visit we will stay in a hotel so we dont bother anyone. I didnt finish reading you post LOL I was all pi$$ed for you. But after she made that comment the next morning thats when I would make the mention of a hotel. And I would do it. If you are going to pull that crap I have no tolerance for it. I would also say something to the effect of "well maybe you were happy you got to see her but now SHE is miserable and exhausted, so maybe we need to put her needs above yours."



OMG JAmesmommy I am laughing my butt off at your post...not that its funny, your description is though. We also had a family war a few years ago because of a babys sleep needs.

[vloky]

wow, she really cut off her nose to spite her face didn't she? If she hadn't pulled that stunt your dd would have been up at breakfast time and played with her all morning, but she had to PROVE A POINT! So she got nothing. What a ua violation.

[daileyjoy]

This is a bit of sdvice from someone who has been where you are and now would no just about anything to be there again. I am telling you from someone who has been there be thankful that you have a mother inlaw who loves you child. She is not doing horrible things to her, being mean, or just crappy in general she is being a grandma. You and her need to find a happy medium in your realationship. You need to both learn when to give and when to take. You cannot always have it your way, when you want it or you will end up with a child who resents one or both of you. SHort of you being a vegan and her stuffing your child full of milk and meat than I would suggest you learn to take a few things in stride...for your child's sake. You cannot be this over bearing, demanding, pushy mother or you will push these people right out of your child's life.. and she will resent you for this.

[UUMom]

I never owned a bucket seat, so I would have handed the baby to my MIL, or told her to get the baby out as I was getting the stuff out of the car. I know my MIL has itchy hands for my babies, anyway, so she would have been helping me. You can't take a Roundabout out of the car and carry it in. lol Your MIL missed the baby and wanted to hold her. : you know? I never had a baby who slept without being held, so I can't even relate to your not wanting people to hold a sleeping baby. I hear such babes exists, but I never had one. lol

[mija y mijo]

Originally Posted by Milkymommy

It sounds like your MIL is not mean-spirited, just a little clueless. She just wants to love on her grandbaby. She was probably sitting there all day waiting her.

I agree. It sounds like she was really excited to see your dd.

[UUMom]

--H put the car seat down (he wasn’t sure if I wanted to take the whole thing up to our room or just the baby, at home it would be just the baby) MIL was immediately fawning over DD, touching, rearranging blankets, ohhing and ahhing, etc. --

You were seething mad about your MIL being excited about seeing her grandchild? I think that speaks volumes about you.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by vloky

wow, she really cut off her nose to spite her face didn't she? If she hadn't pulled that stunt your dd would have been up at breakfast time and played with her all morning, but she had to PROVE A POINT! So she got nothing. What a ua violation.

The only one who is going to suffer over the years is the child as the parents try to find as much fault with this woman as they can. "Yeah! We won, she couldn't spend time with the baby!" is a pretty pathetic, immature response to grandmotherly excitement, and hurt feelings.

I can only imagine a rant/vent about how another grandmother didn't even want to see the baby after a stag party (I am still trying to figure out what all those details have to do with the grandmother missing the baby and wanting to hold her).