WWYD? MIL waking baby at 11 pm to play (Long Rant) - Page 2

[momto l&a]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I would never, ever plan to sleep over there again, unless you can time it so you're there for the evening so MIL can get her "playtime" before DD's normal bedtime.

Next time, make MIL and FIL come to you. And the next time you need to visit other people in their town, stay with other (more respectful) friends or relatives, or stay in a hotel and then meet up with the inlaws for breakfast.

:

I would have kicked MIL out of the room and closed the door as would have dh.

[mija y mijo]

Originally Posted by UUMom

The only one who is going to suffer over the years is the child as the parents try to find as much fault with this woman as they can. "Yeah! We won, she couldn't spend time with the baby!" is a pretty pathetic, immature response to grandmotherly excitement, and hurt feelings.

I can only imagine a rant/vent about how another grandmother didn't even want to see the baby after a stag party (I am still trying to figure out what all those details have to do with the grandmother missing the baby and wanting to hold her).

[lerlerler]

WHile you have every right to be TIRED as well frustrated, and annoyed at the fact that your rest was disturbed due to MILs behaviour? SEETHING mad at MIL sounds like theres WAAAAAAAAAAY more here than this episode.

Irked? Yup. But MIL just wanted to snuggle her grandbaby. Yes, she overstepped her boundries and I'd be upset, but then eh, I'd get over it rather quickly.

She was wrong. Short of banning contact, the easiest way to deal with this? Let DH talk to her before the next trip AND I think you should work on being in the right mindset when you go over there. A little more "water off a duck's back" IYKWIM

[cjanelles]

Originally Posted by UUMom

You were seething mad about your MIL being excited about seeing her grandchild? I think that speaks volumes about you.

Oh, I don't think this is a fair statement at all.

The OP stated that her biggest problem is with the fact that her MIL has no respect for her or the wishes of OP & her DH as parents.

She was seething because the MIL was deliberately futzing up a plan that had already been made in the best interest of EVERYONE, including the baby. The OP was seething because her MIL didn't respect her as a parent...and the outcome was a woken-up baby who had an extremely difficult night. I would have been mad, too.

What exactly *does* that say about us?

[Ubelle]

Originally Posted by cjanelles

Oh, I don't think this is a fair statement at all.

The OP stated that her biggest problem is with the fact that her MIL has no respect for her or the wishes of OP & her DH as parents.

She was seething because the MIL was deliberately futzing up a plan that had already been made in the best interest of EVERYONE, including the baby. The OP was seething because her MIL didn't respect her as a parent...and the outcome was a woken-up baby who had an extremely difficult night. I would have been mad, too.

What exactly *does* that say about us?

Thank you, that sums up what I was thinking of saying after reading the comments saying that I was wrong to be upset. I will aslo point out that yes there are MANY other problems with me and MIL - I stated that at the begining of the post. And I have no problem when someone wants to hold my sleeping baby, I can't get enough of snuggling DD, and I know everyone else want to as well .I have a problem when a person wants to wake my sleeping baby so they can play. And I was seethinig because this isn't the first time MIL has tried to wake the baby (even after she has played with her in the morning, that day etc.) this is the first time she did it:

1. and it was succesful
2. at 11 pm (this was the first voluntary late night for DH and I)
2. being asked not to, and told why

And I probably only would have been irked or a little upset and let it go if not for the comment the next morning (she acts like she is the only one with a right to see this baby)

I am currently trying to let it go, it's a very slow process. I will not restrict their visits or anything like that it's not fair to DD, however I have decided that next time MIL follows us into our room, I will start to change for bed - that will get her to leave

[jillmamma]

If your MIL was smart, she would have offered to rock the baby back to sleep, and apologized for waking her! :

It has to be hard when grandparents can't always just step back and respect that they had their turn to be parents and now it is YOUR turn, and they need to respect YOUR decisions! I have had issues with parents and in-laws too with regards to my extended nursing and their comments on it. I hope you can work something out with her for next time you see her.

[UUMom]

My 8 yr old has more love and sense in her soul than 99.99% of adults. She is reading over my shoulder (which I hate!) and she said "Maybe the mother in law felt sorry that the baby was in a bucket all that time, and was trying to think of a way to get it out of there".

That is always my first thought. But I know so many babies can't sleep a wink if they aren't in a plastic seat. I have no idea how babies of old ever got a lick of shut-eye.

[Artymisia]

I completely understand. I live with my mother and across the street from my grandmother and not a day goes by when someone doesn't interfere. When are you going to stop nursing? When are you going to going to give her some steak? Shes too hot in that - Shes too cold in that. When she cries at night I have to race to room to get there first to be the one to pick her up and comfort her and lets not forget the truck load of guilt I got when she was 3 months old and still sleeping next to me for not using the expensive crib that my mother bought for her.

They can't help themselves and no amount of talking to hem seems to change anything.

[lilyka]

what would I do? I would make a pot of coffee, come to MDC and rant away about how irritating my MIL/mother is and then get over it because if she never held d or bonded with her you would be upset about that too. it has taken me 11 years to get to this place. My mom babysat once (we only see her once a year and we usually all spend time together.) and I told her to put dd to bed at 8 and not give her any junk food (she was already sick from all the crap she had been eating and disrupted sleep). when we got home at 11 she was still up, and snarfing down her third sugary snack. Then she thew up on my mom. and then when she woke up feeling like poo in the morning threw up on the freshly mopped kitchen floor. I took care of dd while grandma cleaned up. grandma is more reasonable with indulgences now . She knows for certain I wasn't just being poopy.

dd learned she could say no to grandma.

after that if grandma woke the babies she stayed up with them. everyone was happy. if my day was stressful because of it so be it. like I said. it doesn't happen often and we will get over it. I probably came here and griped about it. It didn't matter in the end because we love grandma and its ok if she needs a little extra loving whatever means love to her. and in our family we occasionally sacrifice our comfort to help each other feel loved. There is no better time than infancy to say "welcome to your crazy screwed up family. get used to us now . . its easier that way"

[tootersmom]

To the OP - I sooo know how you feel! When my son was born I was in fierce mama bear mode and wanted my MIL nowhere near my baby! (Seriously, I wouldn't even let my husband call her when I was in labor. When she came to the hospital the next day, I told him she could only stay 30 minutes.) She and I had never gotten along, and she had made my life very difficult after my husband and I were married.

But, since my son's birth she really has been trying to do better. Her attitude has changed a great deal, and she goes out of her way to include me in the family. I have to admit though, my first reaction was to keep my son away just to spite her. And I hate to admit it, but sometimes I did.

She still irritates the heck out of me, and I don't think we'll ever see eye to eye - but I've come to realize in the end, she is his grandmother - and he's her only grandchild. And really I was only punishing my child by keeping him away. So now, 3 years later, he just adores her (wouldn't ya know it??) and she loves him only the way a grandma can. So, I'm learning to forgive the little things. Looking back, most of it wasn't that big of a deal anyway.

Now, whenever my MIL has run all over my last nerve and I'm ready to snap, I just remember that while today I am the mother - in not too many tomorrows - I'll be the dreaded MIL... and while I hope to be a better MIL than I had, I hope to have a better daughter-in-law than I've been (does that make sense?). Because I know I'll want to hold my grandbabies just as desperately as she wants to hold hers.

[charmander]

Originally Posted by UUMom

The only one who is going to suffer over the years is the child as the parents try to find as much fault with this woman as they can. "Yeah! We won, she couldn't spend time with the baby!" is a pretty pathetic, immature response to grandmotherly excitement, and hurt feelings.

I can only imagine a rant/vent about how another grandmother didn't even want to see the baby after a stag party (I am still trying to figure out what all those details have to do with the grandmother missing the baby and wanting to hold her).

:

[amitymama]

Originally Posted by UUMom

My 8 yr old has more love and sense in her soul than 99.99% of adults. She is reading over my shoulder (which I hate!) and she said "Maybe the mother in law felt sorry that the baby was in a bucket all that time, and was trying to think of a way to get it out of there".

That is always my first thought. But I know so many babies can't sleep a wink if they aren't in a plastic seat. I have no idea how babies of old ever got a lick of shut-eye.

This is one of the most arrogant, condescending, passive-aggressive, rude, smug and mean-spirited posts I have ever read on MDC. And that's saying a lot, considering how many of those there are every day. :

Seriously. Get off your high horse and stop judging other people and thinking you're perfect. You didn't use a bucket seat. Good for you! I must've missed that awards ceremony in the Mothering Olympics.

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by amitymama

This is one of the most arrogant, condescending, passive-aggressive, rude, smug and mean-spirited posts I have ever read on MDC. And that's saying a lot, considering how many of those there are every day. :

Really? You must be reading it differently from me (and all those other posts too as I have seen far, far worse). I just saw it as another possible angle and also this is a AP site so I think it's fair to bring it up as a possibility. My DS has slept in a carseat and I didn't feel it was a blanket judgement against carseats.

Really I was thinking maybe the pack-n-play was part of the problem. When we stayed away from home and used one my DS didn't sleep well at all. I guess it's easier to blame the MIL but being in an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar bed (even if it's dark a baby can tell) is likely to cause frequent waking. Also the dinner out with the friend and her DS might have been some extra stimulation as well that is good, but can also make it harder for a baby to sleep soundly...

[captain crunchy]

Originally Posted by daileyjoy

This is a bit of sdvice from someone who has been where you are and now would no just about anything to be there again. I am telling you from someone who has been there be thankful that you have a mother inlaw who loves you child. She is not doing horrible things to her, being mean, or just crappy in general she is being a grandma. You and her need to find a happy medium in your realationship. You need to both learn when to give and when to take. You cannot always have it your way, when you want it or you will end up with a child who resents one or both of you. SHort of you being a vegan and her stuffing your child full of milk and meat than I would suggest you learn to take a few things in stride...for your child's sake. You cannot be this over bearing, demanding, pushy mother or you will push these people right out of your child's life.. and she will resent you for this.

Originally Posted by lilyka

what would I do? I would make a pot of coffee, come to MDC and rant away about how irritating my MIL/mother is and then get over it because if she never held d or bonded with her you would be upset about that too. it has taken me 11 years to get to this place. My mom babysat once (we only see her once a year and we usually all spend time together.) and I told her to put dd to bed at 8 and not give her any junk food (she was already sick from all the crap she had been eating and disrupted sleep). when we got home at 11 she was still up, and snarfing down her third sugary snack. Then she thew up on my mom. and then when she woke up feeling like poo in the morning threw up on the freshly mopped kitchen floor. I took care of dd while grandma cleaned up. grandma is more reasonable with indulgences now . She knows for certain I wasn't just being poopy.

dd learned she could say no to grandma.

after that if grandma woke the babies she stayed up with them. everyone was happy. if my day was stressful because of it so be it. like I said. it doesn't happen often and we will get over it. I probably came here and griped about it. It didn't matter in the end because we love grandma and its ok if she needs a little extra loving whatever means love to her. and in our family we occasionally sacrifice our comfort to help each other feel loved. There is no better time than infancy to say "welcome to your crazy screwed up family. get used to us now . . its easier that way"

(bolded mine)
&


I agree with these posters. I think you have a reason to be irked and annoyed but at the same time, I honestly believe you are at a place with MIL (based on your other feelings about her) where there is no way she would have won in that situation. Had she left you all completely alone the thread would have most likely been titled:

"So Angry, MIL HATES BABY!!!" then would have gone on about how mil ignored your baby or something.

I am not trying to be snarky, I am just saying that it sounds like you already have so many issues with this woman that nothing would have been acceptable because of all negative feelings you already had.

I am sure she is not perfect and I am sure some of your complaints are valid. Head's up ... you're not perfect either, and I am sure there are some things about you that aren't lily white and rosey either -- this is true of all of us. .

You married her son. She raised her son. For no other reason, the man you love and promised your life to deserves to have his mother treated with respect. Your treatment of her should not be contingent on her treatment of you -- you are not doing it for her... you are doing it for your husband, and yourself. She must have *some* redeeming qualities if she raised a man you chose to marry and have children with.

Find those qualities and hang on to them. You, your husband, and your child will be better off in the long run.

So you may say "but her son married ME and I deserve respect!" This is true, but it is not your place to worry about what anyone else is doing or not doing. It is your place to worry about what you are doing and how you are responding and how you are conducting your own behavior. The lady loves her grandkid. Yes, it is annoying (not the love, the behavior ) and I have been there.... but I would rather that MIL loved and wanted to fawn all over dd than one who ignored her or didn't give a hoot about her.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by amitymama

This is one of the most arrogant, condescending, passive-aggressive, rude, smug and mean-spirited posts I have ever read on MDC. And that's saying a lot, considering how many of those there are every day. :

Seriously. Get off your high horse and stop judging other people and thinking you're perfect. You didn't use a bucket seat. Good for you! I must've missed that awards ceremony in the Mothering Olympics.

I wasn't at that particular Perfect Parent ceremony, but I'm sorry I missed you. It's not as easy thing to accept that an 8 yr old might be wiser than most adults in understanding that grandmas and babies might enjoy a good old -fashioned snuggle-in arms. Her heart is good because she is well loved by her *whole* family, as imperfect as they might be.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by lilyka

afte
. It didn't matter in the end because we love grandma and its ok if she needs a little extra loving whatever means love to her. and in our family we occasionally sacrifice our comfort to help each other feel loved. There is no better time than infancy to say "welcome to your crazy screwed up family. get used to us now . . its easier that way"

Now *that* is a great attitude! Mature, loving and thoughtful. And if your family is as crazy as mine is, love and coping skills to you! In the end, kids want to be loved and cherished. And it would be nice if this sad story could be turned from anger to humor.

This could even become a family story where the child feels cherished and special. "Once, we went to see Grandma, and it was late at night, and you were sound asleep-- so cute and peacfull. But you must have been too cute looking, because when we got to grandmams she was wide awake, waiting for you. She came running out of the house to see you! She had been missing you so much and was so happy to see, that she scooped you out, and you woke up. You were so excited to see her that you hardly slept that night!"

Much better than a child thinking his parents can't stand his grandmother and then is worried everytime they get together that there might be a fight over who- knows- what.