Anyone having problems

[kristen1978]

. . . . processing their birth experience?

For three years I have studied midwifery, worked with midwives, even went to Mexico for 2 months to study there. I have become a convert, and talk to everyone who will listen about the virtues of natural birth. Always assumed that I'd be able to do it myself. Had confidence in my body, my ability to have a natural birth. No past issues with abuse, etc. Didn't write a birth plan, pack a bag for the hospital. Told everyone I was having a homebirth.

Then, I had my first baby, 4 weeks ago. In a hospital.

Water breaks at 1cm, and 12 hours of incredibly intense contractions follow with increasingly intense, premature pushing urges. After being unable to stop my involuntary pushing, and my cervix swelling from 8 down to 6, I threw in the towel -- felt like I was being tortured. Transfered to a hospital, got an epi to get rid of pushing urge, followed by pit to increase frequency of contractions (due to epi, of course), followed by an hour of purple-faced pushing (yuck) and a vaginal birth of a posterior baby boy. First degree tear. All sorts of strangers handling my baby, who originally was supposed to be born AT HOME, into his father's hands. Hospital staff treating me like a moron, crazy hippie. So many things I should have insisted upon, but simply didn't think to demand -- delayed cord clamping, etc. Now the guilt is immense. What a beginning for my poor baby, who I have been waiting for for the past ten years. I was supposed to protect him. :

So, now I am doubting EVERYTHING. My judgement, toughness, resolution, career choice, the opinions of everyone around me of my choices. Worst of all, since I care way too much what others think, I have no one to talk to -- all of my friends and peers are part of the homebirth community. Maybe I'm (erronously) assuming that they are as judgemental as I once was about people who "cave in" and transfer . . . . maybe this is my life lesson.

Not sure what I'm asking for here . . . sympathy, empathy. Anyone have a similar experience/situation?

[mighty-mama]

I can't offer anything but this I hope you find the support you need and deserve..

[mimiharshe]

Oh mama, don't do this to yourself! You did what you knew you needed to at the time. I always say my c/s's humbled me though. Being put in a situation that you would never be in makes you see the other side. Helps us to be less judmental. I know how you feel. I am totally 100% pro breastfeeding and homebirth...I havent' done either w/2 kids! We all have different struggles that come up. You did have a vaginal birth...your babe wasn't cut from you...that is a huge plus! You did protect him. Things were not going right for you and you did what was best at the time. You will process this experience and may do things different in the future b/c of it. You may come to realize that you might support other women differently now b/c of your experience. Enjoy this time with your new little one, bond, nurse, co-sleep, love on him...dont' miss out on all of that b/c you are upset your birth didn't go as planned. Stay strong in your choices and beliefs...and it's ok if they change a little. Life is all about growing, learning and adjusting. Do NOT care what others think. You have my support and I am proud of you for pushing out that posterior babe of yours! Congratulations mama!

[jinetemx]

Please remember, your birth experience is a state of mind. I think you may see some similarities in our story, although I am not a midwife or doula or anything like that.

I live in Mexico (probablyin the same town you studied midwifery!) and with my first baby, a daughter, I was all gung ho to have a natural birth. When my OB/GYN was not supportive of this ("All my patients get epidurals!") I went with a midwife. I loved her. I loved the idea of a natural birth. Took natural birthing classes. Made naturtal birthing friends, etc, etc. Four days before my due date, I had a herpetic outbreak. The midwife said I HAD to have a c-section. I met with the midwife's doctor who concurred with the midwife. I went back to my original OB/GYN and she said, "well, if it clears up before the baby comes, you can have a vaginal birth". THat was the closest I came to having hope for a natural birth. I know I had a couple of days to come to terms with a possible c-section, and I didn't want my feelings to be regret and sorrow if I should need the c-section. I wish I could remember the name of the book that the natural childbirth teacher lent me to prepare for a c-section birth, but I worked really hard to decide that if it had to be, I was going to have the best birth possible, and a positive mindset was key. I had read way too many birth stories about people who believed their experience scarred them/their children for life and I DID NOT want that to happen to me. Finally, the morning my water broke, I knew that I would have to have the section and I was going to be positive and upbeat to meet my new baby. And I was. ANd it wasn't easy, but it was worth the mental work. I would say work on your feelings about the birth, and decide you did the very best you could. I was lucky in that I got a pair of days to mentally prepare (which I needed!) but I think the process is probably similar. Don't get sucked into the mud of doubt.
GOod luck!

PS I had my son a month ago and tried for a vaginal birth again, but I was much easier on myself when my water broke again, and again without contractions for 15 hours. I had a repeat c-section and a very positive experience.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I am having a little trouble with mine as well. I would like to talk with you more about it, but it just happened yesterday and I'm still tired. I will get back to this thread as soon as I can. I will say my experience was not traumatic or anything, but I do feel that I held up my own labor and created a lot of what happened and it does bother me somewhat. I hope you can find strength in yourself by looking into your childs eyes and knowing that no matter what your body created that perfect little being. You are amazing!

[danaalex]

NONE of my births have gone the way that i wanted or thought they would go, but i walked into my first pregnancy with the attitude that " not everything will go the way i want, and as long as we are together and healthy then in the end it doesn't matter HOW they came into the world."

yes, i am still disappointed and i do get that, 'why me' thing going on, but i just look at my kids and it's over.

my mom REALLY helped me put it into perspective this weekend. i was griping about how others get these really short, labors like less than 3 hrs, and with little actual PAIN. my labors hurt like hell, and they last forever, and i've had csections too!!! so, the OPPOSITE of what i always thought i'd have and wanted. so, i said " how do i sign up for one of those super short pain free labors??" and my mom said that a friend of hers made the comment, " where do i sign up for whatever dana has??" refering to the ease in which i get pregnant. this woman tried for 4yrs and was on fertility drugs and still couldn't get pg. in my case, we've had 4 kids in 6 yrs.

sooooooo what i realize now is that we are not all blessed with easy peasy births, even if that is what we want. just like not everyone is blessed with ease of getting pg, and that is what THEY want.

it's probably not much help, but it's how i get through the questioning of my self and my choices. which i really do try NOT to do.

HUGS momma!!! and know you are not alone in your feelings!

[lactivist]

I don't have experience with the birth aspect but my last baby took me to places I would have never imagined when he struggled with nursing. I had been judgemental in the past of women and their breastfeeding struggles and I was humbled and brought to my knees and forced to face my own judgment. It was an intense experience, one that changed me forever. I am now (2 1/2 years later) grateful for the experience as changes happened in my life that would never had happened otherwise. I offer you a lot of compassion, care and kindness. Please be gentle with yourself.
Wendi

[Plaid Leopard]

I can relate in many ways but am NAK so will post later. Just wanted to send you hugs! Be gentle on yourself.