Depression Getting Worse

[Genesis]

I started taking 25mg of Zoloft a couple weeks ago for my PPD because I was getting to the point of not being stable- I had/have severe anxiety, a little bit of OCD, intrusive thoughts that were getting worse, and moderate depression. I feel ashamed to have PPD, and I'm even embarrased to admit what I just did - does anyone else feel like that? I don't know why I do.

Well, since I started taking it, my intrusive thoughts and anxiety have lessened some (Thank God) , but my depression is getting worse now. I'm confused as to why. I wasn't all that depressed before, but was getting to that point because my other problems I listed above were really getting to me.

I am just in a very dark place right now. That's the only way I can think of to describe it. I will just listen to music and cry at night when my DC and DH go to bed. And I will think about the things that bother me the most in the world - child abuse, violence, things along those lines - and I'll just sit and feel very dark and want to cry, and sometimes I do cry.

I am very grateful though that I can still take care of my child just fine, and I can still enjoy him and my husband....I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that. I guess it doesn't help either that the only people who know I have PPD is my DH and a friend, but with her very busy profession, she doesn't have very much time for friends, and I understand that. And I try not to talk to DH about it anymore, because he doesn't really understand and he doesn't know what to say. I can't tell anyone else, because 1-I feel like it's not their concern and 2-my family and friends are way too busy with their own lives to help me out or give me support, and I understand that as well. I can't afford therapy, unfortunately.

Thank you for listening. I am ashamed to admit all I just did. I will probably end up deleting this post, because the last thread I did in this forum didn't get many responses, and that makes me feel kind of insecure, even though I know it is nothing personal.

take care.

Michele

[readytobedone]

i know what you mean about not getting responses and feeling self-conscious. not many people are over here on this sub-forum, i guess. don't take it personally--no one responded to my post from earlier yet; maybe you could?

please don't be ashamed for how you feel. it sounds like you are improving, if slowly. is there no way for you to get free therapy through some kind of training program or something?

i wish i enjoyed my family right now, but the insomnia i have makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything. having a baby is the single hardest thing i have ever done, and with not sleeping i feel completely unequal to the task.

i am self-medicating right now with alcohol, hoping to get some sleep. not cool, but hopefully DD won't wake for a feeding for a few hours. now talk about being ashamed...i am, but at the same time, i know that i am doing the best i can at every moment. so are you, mama. i can tell.

[smellyann82]

i know exactly how you feel. my depression got worse after i started paxil. the ocd and anxiety slowly went away, but now, almost 1 year (wow) on paxil, i still have periods of depression. if it continues, i would up your dose. just 5 mg did it for me, so that now, if i am feeling depressed, it doesn't control my day. i can shake it off enough to, say, go to sleep at night. i would talk to your doc asap, as paxil can cause things to get worse, and if i remember correctly, that is a side effect that needs attention. can you find a social worker or psychologist who is covered by your insurance, or do you have a family member who can help you pay for at least a few sessions? it was the hardest thing i ever did, but i asked my parents to help pay for me to see a therapist once a month for a few months. it really helped. i stopped seeing her, but even just seeing my psychiatrist once a month to get my new prescription was helpful...just someone who i could say those things to. is there a support group in your area? i was near nyc when my ppd was really bad, and there was a great group there, but i've learned very quickly since moving to the heart of appalachia that that was a luxury. but maybe check out post partum support international's website to see if there is a group or support person in your area. another big part of getting better for me was making sure that i had one night a week "off", even if just for a few hours. i found a great prayer group at a local progressive church. now that we've moved i'm struggling to find something, but really anything that takes my mind off of the depression helps. try to exercise too. sounds trite, but it really helps. honestly, too, the nights were (and still are) the worst for me. i gave in to watching a bit of mindless tv and saved anything that was "fun" for evening (a movie, a new magazine, books with nice short stories--my attention span really suffered). i also started trying to be a bit crafty (crocheting, making little scrapbooks and cards) just to keep my mind occupied.



i found that the hardest thing for me was, as the ppd lifted, the guilt. i've worked through it over the past year, and please try to remember that it is not your fault and there is nothing wrong with who you are. try to take care of yourself. pm me if you ever need to vent! i know how hard it is to feel alone. and talk to your dh. even try to get him to read about ppd. you absolutely should not have to go through this alone.


i hope you're feeling better soon, mama!

[mom0810]

Hi Michelle,

First of all, never ever feel ashamed. That will only make your depression worse. Being ashamed is actually a SYMPTOM of depression, too.

Have you been in therapy at all? I really think if you haven't, that should be your next step. After that, I would really think about upping your dose to 50 mg, as 50 is the lowest "therapeutic" dose. 25 is a preteen dose, and really might not do much, if anything, for your depression. It will make you functional, but might not get you well again.

The biggest thing my therapist emphasizes is social contact. You need to get out. Once a day. Even if it's just to Target or something and sit in the food court for 15 minutes. I know it sounds silly, but it will help to get out of your home and see people.

Sunlight.

Schedule. Get up in the morning, shower, get ready like you were going somewhere, even if you are not. Empty the dishwasher after breakfast and load it again. Do a load of laundry. The same thing each day, you know? Scheduling helps and gets you "out of your own head" which is a place many stay at home moms find themselves. You need to stop thinking so much.

This is where I would start. Therapy is KEY for you now. Check PSI's website for a therapist in your area. Go. Talk. make sure you find a therapist who will assign homework, not just someone who will sit and listen to you.

I really hope this helps. We're here to help if you need us, this board is really supportive, usually.

[gwerydd]

i understand what you are going through. i think the feeling of shame is really common with PPD and probably one of the most insidious things about it. i have dealt with a lot of shame because i was actually hospitalized for a week with PPD. what has helped me though was reaching out to my family. it was really scary and i din't want to diappoint them or burden them but i really needed the help. they have been a big help for me, especially my mother, she came and stayed with us for 3 weeks after i got out of the hospital, then i went and stayed with them for 3 weeks in Michigan with my dd. anyway, don't feel like you are burdening people. i found having people i could talk to, or to just ask for a little help was a big thing for me. also getting out of the house. i have found that taking walks, going to the library, to playgroup, getting groceries etc. is a big help for me when i am home alone all day with my dd. it helps me feel less isolated. don't feel bad about starting medication, medication has helped a lot of mommas get out of some very dark places.

[elsa_elsa]

i have no advice but i couldn't read and not

[copamom]

You should give yourself kudos (all of you) for being so upfront and honest with yourselves. Really! I don't tell anyone about what I go through with depression and anxiety b/c unless you know what it is, you really don't understand it.

About 2 yrs ago I attempted suicide and if I hadn't been in a drunken rage and my dh called the cops to check on me, I would've succeeded. The problem was I didn't know that anything was wrong with me. At the time my dd was almost three and I never realized I had ppd.

I was on paxil b4, and I loved it for anxiety, but it made me gain a lot of weight. My doc said it doesn't help w/depression. So I was on 450mg of wellbutrin and 20mg of paxil. It was a great combo! If whatever you're on isn't working - tell your doctor! not all meds are one size fits all.