Birthday cake, plastics, and life way clashes with in laws

[debe]

I keep re-writing this post. I am trying to illicit some opinions, some wisdom, but I am having trouble with leaving the rant out.
I am going to try it as a list.

Baby has just turned 1 yr.
She has been exclusively breastfed and is continuing thus far. She has not wanted any solid food as yet. (she is playing with and mouthing certain fruits and veggies).

Partner's parents are coming for birthday.
They want to take photos of her making a mess in her cake and ice cream.
I do not want her to have cake and ice cream as her potential first foods. We are vegetarian on the vegan side of things. ...And though I have been searching for a veggie, healthy cake in the spirit of compromise, I just can not see even it as good as an early food experience.

They want to dress her in tons of cheesy pink clothes and have her portraits done at walmart.

They want to buy plastic toys and gadgets.

Partner and I agree on parenting issues; in theory. When it comes down to the real life event he succumbs to mom and I look like a Nazi. ("let them buy what they want, it makes them happy." - like the $400 stroller we have never used, and can not sell because it has to be around when they show.)

I find it hard to deal with because I keep thinking we are adults with the ability to be reasonable. But I guess we are not.
I really do have explanations for not wanting the things listed. I have left them out because I find that I want to write emotionally charged philosophical essays. (as it is I am making a grammatical mess).

Is there any way out that will allow all to be satisfied?
Has anyone written an eloquent gift opt out statement?

I am a basically kind of crunchy- natural parenting practitioner that aspires to greater levels of environmental and community responsibility and mindfullness in all things. And, though I have been rather lazy previously, baby has given me new reason to follow through with lifeway improvements.

[JustJamie]

1) Cake - play the pediatrician card, even if she hasn't seen a ped yet, or ever. "The doctor says that because of x, y, z manufactured reason, we should avoid exposing her to sucrose. She'll have to have a smash cake at her 2nd birthday, instead."

2) I'm gonna go on a limb here, and say that the outfit/location of portraits probably don't matter to them, so if you say "Oh, I got this special outfit for her and have scheduled portraits with X studio, I'll send you pictures when we get them", they shouldn't be able to argue with it - esp. if you fudge the truth a little bit, and say another relative/coworker gave you a coupon or gift certificate to the studio of your choice. If you have religious, moral or philosophical objections to having her portraits professionally done, then say so, and stand your ground; you don't need to compromise your beliefs because of what they want.

3) What worked with almost every relative of mine was saying "She's got so many toys, gadgets, etc, that I just don't have the space to store them all and keep them organized. So I just give everything to Good Will, so that I know someone who really NEEDS it can use it...if you want, you can either make a charitable donation in DD's name, or you can make a deposit into the savings account we've established for her college fund."

Since making that speech a thousand times in DD's first 6 months, relatives have donated $3,000 to her college fund, and about $600 in her name to various charities.

4) The stroller - I would just sell it or donate it, and then when asked, would say that I gave it to a needy mom who couldn't afford a stroller on her own.

[gmvh]

I like the above answers. A friend had similar cake issues with her folks and made a really tasty raw cake that was virtually all shredded/smashed fruits and veggies. Also, if studio photos aren't your thing, what about finding an independent children's photographer and a nice park to meet at to have some shots done? Maybe sooner vs. later if baby's birthday is much later in the fall. Good luck!

[ParisApril]

It's so frustrating when the grandparents don't listen. This is what I would do. I would probably just take the plastic toys and sell them or give them away. I live close to my downtown and although my ds never liked to ride in the stroller it is great for my stuff and groceries when he is in the sling. I would probably keep that bc you never know you might need it someday. Take your own pictures and give them some at the birthday. And make a healthy cake or we did an apple crisp for my ds second birthday and if they don't like it too bad! They will get over it! Good luck.

[mommy2abigail]

I like the pp's answers too. My MIL is exactly the same way. Frilly, cheap clothes, cheap, MIC toys, ect. And they have $, so it's not like that is all they can afford. I just keep reiterating that dd has TONS of clothes (comfotable, cotton ones that are simple) and TONS of toys (wooden, cloth, mama made ones) so please do not buy her any more. We always ask for books or art supplies (crayons, glue, construction paper, markers, finger paint, ect) Books are always good, and we make the thank you cards out of the crafting supplies, so that's a nice little touch. I do not feel bad about donating the thing they give us. And I know they realize it. I know they realize that she never wears the frilly stuff and there is no plastic toys in our house. And you know what? After 2.5 years, they've stopped buying it! Now she will either get a simple wooden toy, or a t-shirt or better yet, my MIL goes with me and has me pick stuff out. We've recently talked to them about MIC toys, and they understood. I approached it from the "Guess what I found out about toys made in China? They are dangerous, contain lead, ect. I'm not buying them for dd any more!!" That way they aren't offended, and they get the point. They know I'm into the natural thing, they may not agree all the way, but they see why, and respect it for the most part. HTH

[flapjack]

Okay, I have to say that as a Brit I am horrified by the idea of serving icecream with cake. That's just wrong.

If they want her to have the messy party food, is jelly (you probably call it jello) party fare over there? If so, you could set some fruit juice with agar agar and mould it into something and she can play with that instead. I wouldn't play the sucrose card, (sounds too fake) but I would say that your paediatrician has insisted she is NOT exposed to eggs or dairy until well after her second birthday, and then only individually and in small portions. (keeps the ice cream off the agenda too.) Better still, I'd be honest and tell them that you are really offended that they are trying to tell you what to feed your daughter at her first birthday party, please stop.

Pictures- is it a big deal? It's not like you have to have them in your home. This one you could chose to let go, if you wanted.

Toys, I'd fight on and be blunt, again. If you don't do plastics, say so, and explain why. If they buy them, don't unwrap them. Ask for money for the college fund instead (or other alternatives.)

[Justmee]

I would also say you have to pick your battles. I like the idea of jello, she's not likey to get much in her mouth, but it's really fun to play with and will make a good messy picture. You could also get some plain fruit sherbert, or even make a fruit salad and just bind it with something.

If you don't want plastic toys, tell them. Is there any big item they could get (if they are financially okay?). Maybe a wooden dollhouse and when they come visit they can buy a new set of furniture for it, a good set of wooden blocks, or something for your backyard? My parents bought me a wooden chair when I was a baby, and my children still play with it today. Go from the angle that in 6 months she won't remember what plastic gaget they bought, but a quality playthign / chair / etc. will last and be passed down.

I agree with the others about the pictures. If the objection is wal mart tell them so and recommend another photographer or studio. Unless there is a religious reason for not taking portraits, I wouldn't fight that battle. If they want to buy her a pink frilly dress, I don't see a real issue. If they wanted to dress up a 5yo who objected I would take teh child's opinion into account, but I really don't think it's a big deal with a baby.

Good luck

[olliepop]

Same Boat

I'm kind of in the same boat. MIL always buys our dc Johnson's toiletries, which we don't use. We use Burt's Bees and/or California Baby. Now how do I tell her in a way that won't put her off?

DH's cousin recently issued a letter to the entire family stating that her ds has way too many stuffed animals and if you want to buy him something, buy diapers - his current size or next size up. It wasn't worded in the nicest way and turned everyone off. I don't want to do that. So I'm : b/c I have to let her know soon b/c she usually gives it to them as stocking stuffers.

To the OP, I definitely wouldn't budge on the ice cream. Making a healthy cake is a good compromise though. As far as the plastics go, maybe you can give them a list of websites you like and explain the benefits of those toys over plastic ones?

[SquishyKitty]

Well, as far as the toys go, I'd probably just hint like mad about something specific because "She's showing a huge interest in it!". Works for us. We've managed to steer them towards what DS is actually interested in/plays with, instead of wierd cheapy plastic junk for the sake of buying something.

As for pics, why not just let them get the pics? Unless you have a specific opposition to it, get a group of pics taken, some with the foofy pink outfit, some with your favorite outfit, some with them and your DD together with the foofy pink outfit. I know lots of places where they take multiple pics with different outfits. I think there's a compromise there for everybody.

With the cake, I probably wouldn't compromise if your DD hasn't really eaten solids yet. Unless you want to give her a banana muffin or something, I'd probably have to hurt a few feelings. You can't just jump right into sweets if the kid hasn't had true solids yet.

[Ann-Marita]

I'm surprised no one has touched on this yet.

I think your main "problem" isn't the cake, or the photos, or the toys, or the stroller. It's your partner. He needs to cut the apron strings and stand up for himself and his family (that's YOU and your CHILD now!).

Why can't you sell the stroller? You don't use it, right? If MIL notices that it's gone just tell her "We didn't ever use it. We sold it and used the money to buy XYZ."

[spero]

Originally Posted by debe

IThey want to take photos of her making a mess in her cake and ice cream.
I do not want her to have cake and ice cream as her potential first foods. We are vegetarian on the vegan side of things. ...And though I have been searching for a veggie, healthy cake in the spirit of compromise, I just can not see even it as good as an early food experience.

They want to dress her in tons of cheesy pink clothes and have her portraits done at walmart.

They want to buy plastic toys and gadgets.

I'd put my foot down about the cake/icecream, but let the rest go.

What's the harm in dressing her in cheesy clothes and getting photos done at Hell Mart (other than the inconvenience of taking her)? It'll make your ILs happy, and maybe soften the cake blow a bit. (Maybe you can find a toy b'day cake and use it in the photos?)

Yeah, the plastic toys/gadgets suck. Are the ILs bringing them along, or taking you shopping? If it's the latter, perhaps you can direct them to stuff that's more appropriate ("Oooh, look at this ADORABLE wooden playset! DD would LOVE this, and it would last forever!" "Oh, look! An instrument set for toddlers ... DD would adore making noise with these things."). If they inisist on crap, let them do it. You can always "recycle" the stuff when they're gone.

The cake is another matter entirely, and I agree with you. It'll be tough to be diplomatic if they don't get it, but be as nice as you can. "Sorry, but DD isn't eating solid foods yet. Cake and ice cream would be much too hard on her digestive system - and we certainly don't want her to be sick and miserable while you are visiting for her special day."

[Ruthla]

I think you need to choose your battles. Letting DD wear a frilly pink dress once for photographs is probably not worth fighting over. If you're opposed to the Walmart studio in particular, then take her elsewhere for photos.

I wouldn't compromise on the food issue, but you've already gotten some good ideas for other foods she can make a mess with. You can still serve cake and/or ice cream to the adults in honor of her birthday, but only if you can trust the grandparents to not feed any of it to the baby!

I think that you and DP need to come to an agreement about the toys issue. DP needs to stand up to his own parents, and needs to realize that YOU are the primary family now. Giving into your parents instead of your partner is being very unfair to your partner and shows a lack of respect to your partner. Does DP realize this? Have you told him how it makes you feel when DP sides with the ILs after agreeing with you on a parenting issue?

You don't have to allow any plastic crap in your home. When somebody gives you a gift, it's yours to do with as you see fit. That includes the right to sell or donate the items. Especially if you've told people what you want and don't want in your house, if they blatently ignore your requests then they really can't complain when their gifts aren't kept.

Is the stroller one of those huge bulky ones that takes up lots of space, or is it a more compact model? I personally have found that strollers aren't very useful for infants (except when I had two babies) but was very handy for toddlers. You may get decent use out of the stroller in the future. However, if it's one of those bulky monstrosities, you might do better selling the stroller and using part of the money for a more compact stroller and part for other things for DD such as clothing or all-natural toys.

[Zach'smom]

Just curious. Have you ever explained to them that you don't want dc to have all of those things and why? How did they react? I hear so often here and in real life people complaining about parents and il's, but have never told them their preferences.

I absolutely agree that cake and icecream should not be a baby's first food. Maybe you could find a more suitable messy food for dc to eat at her party.

Do your il's really require that dc's picture be taken in a pink frilly dress at Wal-mart. Would a picture from a portrait studio of dc wearing a cute outfit of your choosing work? I have always chosen ds's clothes and portrait studio. Then I give copies to the grandparents.

Explain to your il's that you don't want dd to have plastic toys that require batteries. Give them some ideas of what you would like dd to have. Show them a picture of it in a catalog or on-line. Be excited and talk about how much dd would love it. Normally I would say it is really bad manners to request a certain gift unless asked. But I think Grandparents are the exception to the rule.

As far as the stroller goes. I would have returned it. Then I would have told them that we returned the stroller because we really won't use it and got xyz instead. "Isn't great! I know dd will love it and get tons of use out of it." Then thank them profusely. This also works when returning plastic toys or other items you have no use for.

[spero]

Originally Posted by olliepop

I'm kind of in the same boat. MIL always buys our dc Johnson's toiletries, which we don't use. We use Burt's Bees and/or California Baby. Now how do I tell her in a way that won't put her off?

"Thanks so much for this, but DC are sensitive to the perfumes in Johnson's products. We have discovered that BBs or CB products work well, though."

[St. Margaret]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Okay, I have to say that as a Brit I am horrified by the idea of serving icecream with cake. That's just wrong.

If they want her to have the messy party food, is jelly (you probably call it jello) party fare over there? If so, you could set some fruit juice with agar agar and mould it into something and she can play with that instead. I wouldn't play the sucrose card, (sounds too fake) but I would say that your paediatrician has insisted she is NOT exposed to eggs or dairy until well after her second birthday, and then only individually and in small portions. (keeps the ice cream off the agenda too.) Better still, I'd be honest and tell them that you are really offended that they are trying to tell you what to feed your daughter at her first birthday party, please stop.

Pictures- is it a big deal? It's not like you have to have them in your home. This one you could chose to let go, if you wanted.

Toys, I'd fight on and be blunt, again. If you don't do plastics, say so, and explain why. If they buy them, don't unwrap them. Ask for money for the college fund instead (or other alternatives.)

I love that cake and ice cream (a standard phrase here) is so bizarre in England

Can you make a kind of jello/jelly w/o gelatin? (which uses animal products) What's agar? I'm interested...

Anyone else grateful for all the toy recalls lately? It's been making it so easy to get people into cloth/wooden living-wage made toys w/o sounding crazy or overly demanding!

OP-- Good luck w/ the ILs. Hope you find something that works for you, but in the end, if it's important to you, just have things the way you want. I'm all for returning the toys and getting what you want or making a college savings account, and who cares if the toys aren't there for them to see when they visit... I'm too poor and too anti-clutter to care

[olliepop]

Originally Posted by olliepop
I'm kind of in the same boat. MIL always buys our dc Johnson's toiletries, which we don't use. We use Burt's Bees and/or California Baby. Now how do I tell her in a way that won't put her off?

"Thanks so much for this, but DC are sensitive to the perfumes in Johnson's products. We have discovered that BBs or CB products work well, though."

That'll work! Thanks!

[therdogg]

Nothing like "mindfulness in all things" except, of course, offending loved ones by refusing to open presents that don't meet your lofty standards.

Snobbery comes in all guises.

[mleavell]

Originally Posted by St. Margaret

Can you make a kind of jello/jelly w/o gelatin? (which uses animal products) What's agar? I'm interested...

Agar Agar is a gelatin like substance made from seaweed (I believe.) My dad, the baker, knows all about it. You can use it in cooking but you may be more familiar with it as the goo in the bottom of petri dishes. It is a perfectly acceptable substitute for gelatin.

[Cloverlove]

Lots of good suggestions!

Something else I thought of re: plastic toys- I would use this as an opportunity to educate them about how unsafe they are. I am sure they don't want their grandaughter exposed to PVC and lead but most people (especially grandparents) are completely unaware of the dangers.

I agree that you will probably find yourself using the stroller within the next year. Toddlers are heavy and strollers can be fun for them.

Also, I noticed that you are new to MDC and just want to gently point out that using "nazi" to refer to passionate beliefs is very offensive to many people on this board.

[lesley&grace]

I think that if these things you are doing are really that important to you then you need to explain this to your in laws. And you need to get your partner to back you up.

I also think that you need to give them better options. Give them a list of "approved" gift items (or approved shops) and let them know that anything not on the list will be given to goodwill.

And I totally agree with Ann-Marita...your partner and you agreeing "in theory" is of no use to you. Either he gets on board and backs you up or you sit and evaluate what you are doing.