Birthday cake, plastics, and life way clashes with in laws - Page 2

[Peony]

After dealing with this issue for 5y now, I've learned to pick my battles, cause there are many! The cake is one that I wouldn't budge on either though. I can say that because the IL's don't care for my gentle suggestions of what the DD's like to play with (like nice wooden toys), need or will actually use, not to mention things that I will not allow in my house. I don't keep many gifts of their's around. I accept whatever it is with a smile, and then after they have left, it disappears, if they mention it then I'll say that it wasn't a fit for our family, and it now has a wonderful home with someone who will enjoy it.

[debe]

Okay - many thanks to many good thoughts and ideas.

Yes I am glad that it was noticed that partner needs to cut strings. I too think it is an issue. He does not. We have discussed it and the outcome was no workable agreement - as yet...that is to be continued.

Photos- My objection(s) is/was/are: since the age of nine I have despised the look of a sears type portrait. My degrees are in fine/commercial arts so I am used to a different mind set, perhaps, as as one poster pointed out:
snobbery- something I need to to put in check. Thank you.

However, I do feel it is a little exploitive to always be popping photos and dressing her like a doll-
I have come to terms with all of this and, if they want to do that walmart/ sears thing fine, I will grit my teeth and I will in all likely hood live through it.
Especially as the photographer of choice is well out of my budget. ("do I really need it?" as mentioned following)

Cake/ice cream- I am looking for a taste good to non veggie people recipe. I have been checking the veg*n sections here. Ice cream - no- unless adults want it.

I am not intending snobbery- We are basically very low on the income scale as baby was a surprise and I have not even begun my vocation. (though I am not young- I am just on "do over")

I have always since my first union dissolved, lived very simply. Most of the stuff I had accumulated I gave away. I kept most for a long time because of growing up with gramma's mentality of 'just in case' and her sense of quality over cosmetic/quantity. I would rather do without than have what I do not want. I always ask myself " do /i need it /or do I want it?" Sometimes I do go with the want...
The in laws are all very well off. I am very grateful that they want to help us out. That is why it is so hard. Their mindset is so different. I do not like to see people spend money that they need not spend- even if they can afford it.
I am not trying to be a snob about product. I am more than willing to live the beggars can not be choosers way. I do however, want healthy things and foods for this baby. I just wish that the money they want to spend was going in a more pragmatic (for our family) direction. Such as more cloth diapers, or organic fabrics, gift certificates to organic groceries, or books over videos, etc.
The stroller is an example. It is beautiful, big thing, but to me that is four hundred dollars that could have gone towards baby carriers or baby wearing rain ponchos or long sleeved onsies, etc..
thanks for the support---I actually feel much better about it all. Maybe I needed foremost to get it out of my head.

[lilyka]

I say pick yur battles.

if she is not all that interested in cake she will probably make a grand mess and get very little in her mouth. It really isn't that big of a deal for her to have few bites. My dds were really into solid food on their first birthdays but could have cared less about cake. if vegetarian cake is important to you then make the cake yourself.

dress and pictures - really . . .what difference does this make? Is this something you want to wreck a relationship over? its a dress and a few mediocre photos for grandma to pass out to her friends. its not like she is asking you to pay for it. . . .

toys - i agree with your SO on this. let them buy what they want. it makes them happy. A god suggestion for grandparents are brio trains.wooden, open ended, kids love them and parents can find them at normal toy stores. suggesting sets of things have worked well for us as they can add to them each year. Schileg (i know I probably didn't spell that right) animals have als been a big hit for my SIL and I. they are freakishly expensive for being so little but have so much great play value.

be glad your dd as loving grandparents in her life. don't wreck it by being controlling over truely unimportant things. its not like she is going to be wearing pink frou frou at walmart while eating junk every day and night. it is a few minutes here and there of indulging people while she is still too little to really care.

[tashaharney]

cake recipies

nak

had the same cake issues for ds b-day. we're not veggie but ds hadnt been intro'ed to those things yet. here's a good bunch of veggie n healthy recipies. i think we went for the apple spice cake. also an almond tort and a carob cake. none of the IL's had a clue 'til i mentioned it . . . halfway thru the cake.

we did give ds a 'smash cake' but he honestly had no idea what to do with it. he mouthed an edge for a bit and then just looked at us like : . and that was it.

[wannabe]

Icecream is probably the easiest one. Do you pump? You can make a breastmilk granita and let them take photos of her having that

As far as cake goes, I had great luck with a banana cake, because bananas make up for egg moisture.

But don't feel pressured to give her cake! It's your child's health we're talking about, and that's non-negotiable.

but I would say that your paediatrician has insisted she is NOT exposed to eggs or dairy until well after her second birthday, and then only individually and in small portions.

or wheat!

As for crappy plastic toys, would they understand if you explaned that you'd like to collect a smaller number of very very good, multipurpose toys that will last for all your kids, and their children after them? I'm lucky I suppose, but both sets of grandparents really like the idea of picking one beautiful, carefully chosen gift that will last forever and be used way beyond the time that something very specific would. for example, a plan toys shape sorter - the blocks are now with the general blocks, and the box is put to every use imanginable. She's goign to use it until she's five! Or more.

If they won't listen, you can always take advantage of your kid's age and get rid of them as soon as the in-laws leave. Sell them and use the money to buy good quality toys that will last and be more appreciated. And if it was cruddy junk, next time they come back and look for it, tell them it broke.

[captain crunchy]

Seriously.... do these people love your child? Are they good to your child? Do you think they genuinely care about your partner, you, and your child... or are they evil Sara Lee lobbyists, intent on shoveling cake into anyone who will open their mouth, including your child?

Look, you have a right to raise your child any way you see fit -- I respect that... and I know it is not easy in a world of *mainstreamers* to stand up for and reach your ideals.... but I would let it go.

What is it you want to teach your babe? Honesty? Kindness? Respect? The incredible quality of standing up for her boundaries while also leaving another person feeling valued? I am sure those things are WAY more important to you than dying on hill over a first birthday.

You have gotten great suggestions. Chances are, the grandparents just want the memory/experience/tradition of seeing a babe get messy on their first birthday --- so explain to them kindly and respectfully that you won't be having a cake but will be having *whatever* -- there are tons of recipes for raw cakes, vegan cakes, fruit sweetened, wheat free, gluten free, whatever free you want and chances are your kid won't even eat but a bite or two of it. We had a vegan cake I made for dd for her first and I think she had like, 2 bites... got a bit messy, everyone was happy, tra la la...

The frilly dress is a matter of style. Is there no style in the WORLD they would like other than a baby prom dress? I am guessing they just want some cute pics of their granddaughter... that is not a crime. Yes, this is your child, you can do what you want with her but others like to share in a tiny bit of that joy too and I am sure there is an outfit you would approve of and a photo place (or personal photos or whatever) that would suffice.

The toys -- be honest... simply... be honest. That seems to be lost on this board sometimes "tell her this or that or the other!" -- Just be honest. "We love that you want to give so freely to our daughter, and we appreciate how much you want to see her happy.... would you be willing to buy her wooden, natural toys like *example*, *example*... " then add your reasons. If they don't and continue to buy plastic, well, you've told them and I wouldn't feel a bit of guilt about anything (donating etc). No one is a mind reader ya know?

I just think honesty and sensitivity go a long way with people who are basically good hearted as most grandparents and such are. They have good intentions, they want to express love, they want to express their love in the only way they know how and should at least (imo) been given the benefit of a head's up....

Now if you've given them the head's up about your life and they just give you a big eff you and do what they want anyway, then well, not so good --- but at the end of the day, smile, nod, and do what you want anyway!

My family is surprisingly AWESOME in that area ... on both sides. For a long time though, I felt like you did -- all resentful and up in arms and posting on mdc about my plastic loving mainstream family but the moment I was honest with them, explained kindly and respectfully, told them my reasons -- expressed to them that I know they love us and I appreciate so much their expression of that in things they choose...however (then explainted things etc)... they were so receptive and but for a *slip up* now and then, they are so great.

[mamazee]

My daughter wasn't interested in solids until about 2 weeks before her first birthday, and by her birthday still had only had a very small amount of solids.

My mom REALLY wanted to make her a cake. REALLY. So I told her that I was concerned because solids were really new and I didn't want food coloring and garbage in her - she wasn't used to about anything. So my mom searched online and found a pretty good banana cake recipe I could live with, and I went with it. My daughter ate maybe a tiny mouthful, if that, and basically fingerpainted with the rest.

My daughter had fun doing artwork with the cake, even if she wouldn't eat it, and my mom was thrilled to bake her the cake and remembers it very fondly.

I wouldn't worry too much about the dress. Your daughter won't remember or care what she's wearing.

I really do understand because I've been there, and I know it feels like a huge deal right now. I'd relax about that stuff so long as the cake isn't complete garbage. Maybe that could be a compromise.

As for the plastic toys, you could use the recent lead paint issues to your advantage there. Say you're uncomfortable with plastic toys because she still puts everything in her mouth and so many of those toys have been recalled lately because of lead paint. Email them links to a few acceptable toy catalogs. That way you aren't questioning their judgment; you're responding to current events.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Originally Posted by debe

Okay - many thanks to many good thoughts and ideas.

Yes I am glad that it was noticed that partner needs to cut strings. I too think it is an issue. He does not. We have discussed it and the outcome was no workable agreement - as yet...that is to be continued.

Photos- My objection(s) is/was/are: since the age of nine I have despised the look of a sears type portrait. My degrees are in fine/commercial arts so I am used to a different mind set, perhaps, as as one poster pointed out:
snobbery- something I need to to put in check. Thank you.

However, I do feel it is a little exploitive to always be popping photos and dressing her like a doll-
I have come to terms with all of this and, if they want to do that walmart/ sears thing fine, I will grit my teeth and I will in all likely hood live through it.
Especially as the photographer of choice is well out of my budget. ("do I really need it?" as mentioned following)

Cake/ice cream- I am looking for a taste good to non veggie people recipe. I have been checking the veg*n sections here. Ice cream - no- unless adults want it.

I am not intending snobbery- We are basically very low on the income scale as baby was a surprise and I have not even begun my vocation. (though I am not young- I am just on "do over")

I have always since my first union dissolved, lived very simply. Most of the stuff I had accumulated I gave away. I kept most for a long time because of growing up with gramma's mentality of 'just in case' and her sense of quality over cosmetic/quantity. I would rather do without than have what I do not want. I always ask myself " do /i need it /or do I want it?" Sometimes I do go with the want...
The in laws are all very well off. I am very grateful that they want to help us out. That is why it is so hard. Their mindset is so different. I do not like to see people spend money that they need not spend- even if they can afford it.
I am not trying to be a snob about product. I am more than willing to live the beggars can not be choosers way. I do however, want healthy things and foods for this baby. I just wish that the money they want to spend was going in a more pragmatic (for our family) direction. Such as more cloth diapers, or organic fabrics, gift certificates to organic groceries, or books over videos, etc.
The stroller is an example. It is beautiful, big thing, but to me that is four hundred dollars that could have gone towards baby carriers or baby wearing rain ponchos or long sleeved onsies, etc..
thanks for the support---I actually feel much better about it all. Maybe I needed foremost to get it out of my head.

I don't think you are being a snob at all. I think you are trying to find balance between what you want in your home, and keeping peace with your inlaws. I commend you for looking for ideas to do so in a gentle respectful manner.

The toys -- In casual conversation, I keep bringing up the MIC issue, now that we have actual mainstream news coverage we can refer to and discuss. I think the point has come across. Offer ideas. It doesn't have to be a letter that says "don't do this, buy this instead" (I think that's rude). But you can converse about what you'd like baby to have. If they don't get the picture, then donate the items. When they visit "Oh, we left those on a playdate". Or, "we used those in a temporary toy swap".

The pictures -- I'm with you on that. I am not a fan of those kinds of portraits. Maybe grin and bear it, and don't hang one on your wall.

The cake and ice cream -- you are right on with that, and stick to your guns and be firm. That is the way it is. You are in charge of your baby's diet, and that's that.

Get your partner on board with the cake and ice cream.

Good Luck!

[MommytoTwo]

Well you know, they are the grandparents. If they want to dress your kid up in ugly clothes and get hideous Wal Mart portraits, let them. Its not hurting your kid or you. You dont have to look at the pictures ( iwouldnt want Wal Mart pics either).

But the food thing? No way. it isnt their child. They had their chance to do whatever they wanted. This is YOUR child and you make the decisions for the child. Their desire for smooshy cake pics has no bearing on anything. The can get smooshy cake pics next year.

As far as gifts...eh ... we have that problem too. On teh one hand I dont dont want piles of crap from China all over my house (I'll take that $400 stroller though LOL). But its not hurting my child really to be given stuff like that. I usually accept it, let them have it for a while and then it disappears. DH also would like to keep everything around forever in case they look for it but I have to draw the line somewhere.

[glendora]

Vaguely off-topic, but I'm intrigued: why is cake and ice cream a no-no in Britain?

[Cloverlove]

We have a picture from ds' first x-mas where his is wearing a one-piece green and red fake tuxedo (complete with a bow tie!) that my mom bought. He wore it for about 5 minutes and I honestly love the picture because it is just so cheesy!

[vloky]

Originally Posted by olliepop

That'll work! Thanks!

not to mention all the carcinogens in johnson&johnson products!

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by glendora

Vaguely off-topic, but I'm intrigued: why is cake and ice cream a no-no in Britain?

I think she meant it is just not the tradition.

[wannabe]

Originally Posted by glendora

Vaguely off-topic, but I'm intrigued: why is cake and ice cream a no-no in Britain?

I'm not a pom but, texture! cake is dry and crumbly and ice cream is smooth and creamy. Way to ruin ice cream and make the cake seem horrid and nasty.

[runes]

first of all, mama. i can commisserate on some of your struggles.

this is a classic case of pick your battles. i would let the hideous walmart portraits go. it won't hurt her to be put in some cheesy frilly clothes for a few minutes and have someone take photos with a fake background. just don't order any for yourself, and put up your own beautiful photos of your sweetie pie in your own home.

the food thing is a non-negotiable to me, though. as much as the photos CAN'T hurt your dd, i am of the mindset that sugar, wheat, eggs and dairy CAN be harmful especially to an exclusively breastfed child who has not been exposed to these substances that are common allergens. THEY might get their beloved shot of your dd with cake and frosting all over her face, but you will be dealing with the stomach upset, diarrhea and generally unhappy little one if she reacts poorly to the cake.

if you are a peacemaker type, you might be able to suggest a compromise that works for you. for dd's first birthday, i made her a watermelon cake, which was literally a big piece of watermelon cut to look like a cake. i 'frosted' it with key lime soy yogurt and garnished it with blueberries (dd's favorite). she smooshed it, ate a few bites, made a big old mess and was happy as a clam, and i had no worries about what she was eating. another brilliant mama friend that i have made a similar cake for her ds's first birthday, but for the frosting she whipped up together some avocado and banana. the photos of her ds smooshing up that cake are priceless!

do you think they'll go for something like that? who cares if it's not cake, right?

as for the plastic toys, i'm totally with you on that one. can you strategically leave around a copy of some good wood/natural toy catalogs like magic cabin? we are really cracking down on made in china/plastic toys around here.

it is true that your dh might have to step up to the plate a bit on this one.

[poppy&rowan]

I might be the only one who read this and felt just as strongly about the photos as about the cake or toys. My dh and I are pro photographers (I am a SAHM now, but still keep my hand in a little), and just arty people in general, so we are VERY concerned about aesthetics. It would seem like a nasty sham to have our DD photographed in one of the couple of pageant-y dresses that my MIL sent before we managed (more or less) to get through to her about our preferences. If you look around, I bet you can find a more suitable photographer in your price range. Craigslist is a great place to look for younger photogs who may be starting out building their businesses and are often just as good as, but much cheaper than a more established shooter.

I just wrote a 3-page letter (complete with bullet points!) to all three of our sets of parents about what we want them to know about gifts. It went over pretty well, and I'd be happy to share it with you if you want to send me a PM with your email.

(And I think a little "snobbery" is okay. Frankly, I have strong preferences and opinions *for myself* and my family. I try not to judge others or hurt their feelings, but I want things my way in my own home. So there it is.)

[debe]

I really like this forum. I am very grateful for all the replies and enjoy the differences in the responses.
in reference to:
the UK and cake and ice cream the very texture differences is what I have always enjoyed. I have always liked messy foods.
Cake recipes- While at grad school I had a vegan choc cake from the Moscow Idaho food co-op that was the best I have ever had- could not find the recipe, but probably good as chocolate is not a baby thing right now either- I love the idea of watermelon frosted with key lime soy yogurt and blueberries- it sounds messy and yummy.
Photos- I am going to let them have their way - though I really would like to do it myself- I thought of renting a high end digital and then touching up in Photoshop. I am pretty good with digital retouching.

toys and gadgets- I have tried sending them news emails about the recalls and such and even sent a link to the consumer's guide. I think it overwhelmed them.

I also realize that when as children we do something so radically different in child rearing than what they as parents did it is as if we are saying "you did everything wrong" and of course no one wants to be told that, especially if they may already have regrets. I try to remember this. The parent in laws have not done so but the aunts and grammas can get quite rude. I just wish they would refrain from the snarky comments which seem to imply that they would be happy to see something bad happen so they could be the first ones to tell us "I told you so!".
They know our preferences and philosophy- as at least they have been involved in conversations of such, maybe they have not synthesized them yet.
Well it is true that it does seem like a big deal that will not be so in a short space of time.

[gmvh]

I think, as many others have stated, that being direct, polite, and diplomatic are the best way to deal with the things that you're not willing to negotiate. One pp mentioned that she got a chair as a young child and it made me think of asking them for something like a Kinderzeat or a Tripp Trapp. Too expensive to just run out and buy but as she is beginning to explore solids, what better way than to have a chair that she can really be a part of things with. She'd get years and years of use out of it. Doesn't solve the toy problem other than possibly redirecting what they are considering useful at this point in her life. Maybe remind them that her toy of preference is an empty box (or whatever random piece of already existing household it is that she's interested in).

Good luck!

[spero]

Originally Posted by poppy&rowan

I might be the only one who read this and felt just as strongly about the photos as about the cake or toys. My dh and I are pro photographers (I am a SAHM now, but still keep my hand in a little), and just arty people in general, so we are VERY concerned about aesthetics.

But, it not going to HARM a kid to have cheesy photos taken in even cheesier clothing. I get what you're saying, I do ... I'm an art school grad and amateur photog myself. But the fact of the matter is, asthetics are often completely lost on enthusiastic g'parents (unless they're arty types themselves). Many g'parents do seem to love the frilly clothing, obvious poses, and ridiculous props & backdrops.

Let 'em have it, I say. It makes the g'parents happy, and no one is getting hurt.

FWIW, one of my absolute favorite vintage photos of me & my brother was taken at Zayre's department store, circa 1970 or so. We are wearing matching shirts and I'm sure my mom got a package special for about 5 bucks, but the photo itself is really sweet and I love it to pieces.

Originally Posted by debe

II also realize that when as children we do something so radically different in child rearing than what they as parents did it is as if we are saying "you did everything wrong" and of course no one wants to be told that, especially if they may already have regrets. I try to remember this. The parent in laws have not done so but the aunts and grammas can get quite rude. I just wish they would refrain from the snarky comments which seem to imply that they would be happy to see something bad happen so they could be the first ones to tell us "I told you so!".
They know our preferences and philosophy- as at least they have been involved in conversations of such, maybe they have not synthesized them yet.
Well it is true that it does seem like a big deal that will not be so in a short space of time.

Those are excellent points. Kudos to you for being so sensitive!
Honestly, it seems just like yesterday that I was arguing with my dad over giving my oldest (then a toddler) a doughnut - now DS is a strapping 17-yo () and would happily exist on junk food 24/7 (and my dad continues to comment, "See, that doughnut didn't kill him." ).