upcoming holidays: how do i ...

[Lady Lilya]

How do I explain to my parents that we are rejecting one of their favorite Christmas traditions?

Every year, every member of the family has to go to the Hallmark store and pick out an ornament. The only restriction is that it must have the year on it.

To me, this seems like a very successful marketing ploy that Hallmark came up with. It seems sad to me that my parents, who imagine themselves as being very out-of-the-box and immune to advertising and consumerism, would fall for this. They have been doing this for almost 30 years.

Last year, when they took down their tree, they collected all the ones that I selected over the years and gave them to me in a bag, to "start your own tree." Now the holidays are coming and they expect me to put them up on my tree. I don't want to do that. I don't want to pass this on to my child. I would rather change the tradition so that every year we all MAKE our own ornament with the year on it.

I can just imagine a future where we all live under some form of corporate feudalism, with each individual belonging to a corporation and walking around with their logos printed on our clothes or our body. I already see this to some degree. I just can't stand the Idea of letting Hallmark have a hold on my family like that.

My parents don't take criticism very well. They don't deal well with turning their gaze onto themselves and re-evaluating their ways. I know it is painful or uncomfortable to look at things in yourself and realize you don't like them. So, while I am sure they would understand my reasons and agree that I am right, I would rather spare them, and our relationship, that trauma. Also, having been foolish for such a long time, and with the embarrassment that comes with it, I think it is likely that they will go into some sort of denial, and then lash out at us. Probably something about us being too extreme and idealistic and that we should let up a bit. That we are going to turn our son into some kind of obsessive and neurotic wreck. I don't want this kind of argument between us. Once it happens it can't be taken back and will affect our relationship forever.

How can I word it to avoid the mess.

[thebarkingbird]

tell them you think they belong on their tree. it's their traditions. certainly you learned to love tradition growing up in their house. tell them that and that you've started your own deal of making ornimants. i wouldn't go into all your thoughts on consumerism unless you feel the need to explain it all. just telling them you had nice childhood memories and want to do something similar but different w/ your own kids.

[a-sorta-fairytale]

I dont think you need to be harsh or critical at all.
How about
"our fam is trying a new tradition. Since DC loves crafts so much we are going to spend a night drinking cider, singing xmas carols and making new ornaments." Just tell them whatever it is you plan on doing to make it a fun tradition. It doesnt have to have anything to do with not liking their tradition just a spin off of it to make it yours.

[Lady Lilya]

They will say I can do both. My mother's tree is full of homemade ornaments at the same time as Hallmark ones. My parents will love the idea of making ornaments, but not as a replacement for another tradition -- as an addition.

[abomgardner417]

Originally Posted by thebarkingbird

certainly you learned to love tradition growing up in their house. tell them that and that you've started your own deal of making ornimants. i wouldn't go into all your thoughts on consumerism unless you feel the need to explain it all. just telling them you had nice childhood memories and want to do something similar but different w/ your own kids.

yeah that. are you opposed to maybe displaying them somewhere besides the tree - maybe just for this year and then packing them away after that?

[delphiniumpansy]

This is about consumerism as well as your family tradition and showing respect for your family. I would find a middle ground. It will hurt our family to not display them; it is against your morals to use them. How about putting a few up? Or putting them on one small tree? Your family has been doing this for 30 years and it would be really nice to continue it. Put up a few each year and then make your own from now on.

[lesley&grace]

I think you're going to have to sit them down and explain how you feel. Explain to them that it's not a critcism of them, just not what you want for your home's christmas tree, and that you want to start the new tradition of making ornaments and invite them to join you in that.

The fact is no matter how you present the "no I don't want this" it's probably going to hurt them if it's a tradition that is important to them.

[Lady Lilya]

I have already given a heads-up to DH that we are going to have to think about and discuss how we are going to do the holiday thing. We both have different cultural traditions. We will probably end up picking what seems appropriate from each. Our religious and ideological views are very different from those of our parents.

I don't want to make too big of a deal over presents. My parents always showered us with presents. (Sure we liked it at the time, but looking back what meant the most was the shared activities, and that is what I missed when I moved out and wasn't there first thing Christmas morning.) Since we now have the only grandchild on both sides, I think we can expect them to go overboard with the gifts. I figure this is only natural and we should let them, but compensate by not buying him anything.

He won't know the difference now, since he will be only less than 5 months old when Christmas comes, but we need to figure out our game plan and give it a dress rehearsal now. If we aren't prepared, and on the same page, we could find our holiday seasons filled with conflict, culture clashes, and hurt feelings.

--------

My mother handmade beautiful stockings for each of us. When I moved out I asked her to keep hanging it and I would look in it when I got there. (It would just feel so out of place alone.) She always put in a new toothbrush, clementines, and peanuts. I would like to do it where each family member hangs their actual sock. Then we can take a pic of them all in a row, and later on look back at the growth and change in our family (ie. children's socks getting bigger, and new children being born).

[Lady Lilya]

Yeah, maybe I can put them in a row on a shelf and use it as a teaching tool -- explaining to the kids about why we disagree with it now, and that we didn't know any better then. My parents don't have to know about that conversation. They will just see them displayed.

[MommytoTwo]

Hmm...how about something like, the ornaments at Hallmark are cute, but so limited and repetitive...what if we all just chose ANY nice ornament as long as the year is on it? They can be hand-made (which are even more special if the kids make them) or loval to your area or something like that..

oh maybe I am misunderstanding..is it that you dont want Hallmark ornaments or you dont want to do mass produced gifts at all?

[chinaKat]

Sounds to me like your parents may really cherish the memories of your family making the special trip each year to buy the ornaments. And, clearly, it's something they think about if they can sort out which ones *you* picked over the years.

It also sounds to me like your opposition to the tradition is the idea of going to *Hallmark*. Would you hate the tradition so much if, instead, every year your family had gone down to the craft fair and picked out handmade ornaments?

My gut says no, then it would be a tradition you cherished as well.

Sooooo... can you meet them halfway? Maybe find a NEW destination as a source for the ornaments? Or, still go to Hallmark together to all pick out ornaments, but continue to put the ornaments on your parents' tree?

[Lady Lilya]

Originally Posted by MommytoTwo

Hmm...how about something like, the ornaments at Hallmark are cute, but so limited and repetitive...what if we all just chose ANY nice ornament as long as the year is on it? They can be hand-made (which are even more special if the kids make them) or loval to your area or something like that..

oh maybe I am misunderstanding..is it that you dont want Hallmark ornaments or you dont want to do mass produced gifts at all?

I would prefer not to go to the store with the purpose of buying ornaments, but I am not morally opposed to it.

Originally Posted by chinaKat

Sounds to me like your parents may really cherish the memories of your family making the special trip each year to buy the ornaments. And, clearly, it's something they think about if they can sort out which ones *you* picked over the years.

It also sounds to me like your opposition to the tradition is the idea of going to *Hallmark*. Would you hate the tradition so much if, instead, every year your family had gone down to the craft fair and picked out handmade ornaments?

My gut says no, then it would be a tradition you cherished as well.

Sooooo... can you meet them halfway? Maybe find a NEW destination as a source for the ornaments? Or, still go to Hallmark together to all pick out ornaments, but continue to put the ornaments on your parents' tree?

I haven't gone with them since I moved out years ago. I think they expected me to go myself.

No, the tradition wasn't about taking the trip together. We wouldn't always go at the same time if we were busy. It was about the HAVING of an ornament from each year.

And actually, they didn't know which ones were mine and which were my sister's. We had to sit down and try to figure it out based on how old we were at each point in time.

My father in particular really likes to amass physical possessions. So much so, that for 20 years he has rented the basement of an apartment building to keep some of it in. Their home feels very cluttered to me, and it always made me feel stressed when I lived there. When he retired about 6 or 7 years ago, his plan was to spend the time selling the stuff on ebay. He makes every excuse why he can't start that yet, I think he doesn't want to have less stuff. It makes him feel secure.

He won't let me have much stuff from my childhood because he is afraid I will throw things away. I probably would dump a lot of it. I don't need every scantron test paper from school.

[Quinalla]

If it is just about having a new ornament each year, then you can easily make an ornament with the year on it somehow. My family does the new ornament each year thing, but we just put the name of the person and year on the back or bottom and it can be bought from anywhere and could be made too if someone wanted to do that.

I would just explain that you are starting a tradition for your family of making an ornament every year. Are they going to make a big deal about it? I know my parents enjoy their traditions, but they don't expect me to do them at my house, just to participate at theirs, so maybe I am just not understanding that they would make a big deal about it.

[Evenstar]

Originally Posted by a-sorta-fairytale

I dont think you need to be harsh or critical at all.
How about
"our fam is trying a new tradition. Since DC loves crafts so much we are going to spend a night drinking cider, singing xmas carols and making new ornaments." Just tell them whatever it is you plan on doing to make it a fun tradition. It doesnt have to have anything to do with not liking their tradition just a spin off of it to make it yours.

:

It doesn't sound to me like a rejection, just a new spin. What a fantastic idea! I agree with pp that iit sounds like your parents really treasure those memories, so there is no need to tarnish them. In other words, if they insist, just say that you're doing it your way and that it's not up for discussion.

[mistymama]

That sounds like a neat family tradition, minus Hallmark.

I agree with the pp's who said you need to put your own spin on it. I think you need to tell your parents that you love that family tradition, and want to continue it for your own family, but with your own spin. You guys can make or buy a handmade ornament. I really think if you stress the point of how much you like the tradition, but want to make it unique for your own family, something that fits your style better .. I don't see how they could get upset.

BTW, we have a family tradition of getting a new ornament each year, sometimes we make them sometimes we buy them. But it's a tradition I just love. My son is almost 5 and loves to look at the tree and have me tell stories about where each of the ornaments came from. It's a very cool tradition, IMO.

[SiValleySteph]

Interesting, we have a very similar family tradition. Every Christmas my Grandma gives each of the grandkids (13 of us) an ornament from a Hallmark collectible series. Once your series is up, she starts with a new series the next year. One lucky cousin got the whole rocking horse series that is now worth $$$ for some reason.

I actually like having all my ornaments from the last 24 years or so (she didn't start until I was 5 or 6) on my tree. One per year still leaves plenty of room for whatever else we want to hang up.

I don't have to pick out the ornament, though, it's just a gift, so maybe that makes a difference?

This will be my son's 4th Christmas and I'm getting him an ornament every year. From Hallmark right now. : I guess I liked the tradition.

[maya44]

I am not sure I understand. Do your parents care that Hallmark made the ornament? If not would you feel comfortable with finding an ornament made by an artisan/craftsman? I know that these exist at many local arts and crafts fairs. They look "professional" so maybe that would meet your parents needs?

You can even find them online, like this cute one http://www.calliopedesigns.com/pengu...ment-1660.html

You could get an ornament with the year on it, and be supporting individual artists and not some big corporate giant.

[Lady Lilya]

Originally Posted by maya44

I am not sure I understand. Do your parents care that Hallmark made the ornament? If not would you feel comfortable with finding an ornament made by an artisan/craftsman? I know that these exist at many local arts and crafts fairs. They look "professional" so maybe that would meet your parents needs?

You can even find them online, like this cute one http://www.calliopedesigns.com/pengu...ment-1660.html

You could get an ornament with the year on it, and be supporting individual artists and not some big corporate giant.

Yes, it has to be Hallmark.

I am sure they would be fine with me starting a new tradition, but wouldn't understand not wanting to continue the old one too. And wouldn't understand not wanting to hang all 27 previous ones on the tree.

If I don't display them somewhere, they are sure to ask about it. Then it will all come out that I think they are pathetic for falling for such an obvious marketing ploy. Then they will be upset at me for being idealistic and for calling attention to the fact that they fell for it, which they would rather not realize.

So, I guess I will have to put them up on a shelf or something. Just let it mean something different to my family. Let it demonstrate the insidiousness of marketing and be a warning to look out.

[jamsmama]

The way I see it is that Hallmark isn't going anywhere no matter if you buy from them or not. At least not in the next 20-30 years or so that your parents have left to enjoy this time with their grandchildren. If it's the only corporate purchase that you make in one year I would just do it and make those memories real and special for them. When your kids get older (teenagers), you can tell them that it's strictly for memories and not because you believe in supporting the corporate giants.....or something to that effect.

[offwing]

Purchase a small artificial table tree. But all 27 Hallmark ornaments on it and call it the Childhood Memory Tree. When Mom and Dad come over, move it out into the open. When they leave, tuck it in the corner.

They love you, they think of you and they tried to do something special for you every year for 27 years. You can keep your new adult principles and start a new tradition without completely erasing the old one.

You undoubtedly are teaching and showing the kids what you know to be right every day. A set of Hallmark ornaments seen once a year is not going to undermine the example and principles you teach your kids the rest of the year. The ornaments don't have Giant Killer Commercialism Cooties!