DH tells DD she's Pretty

[leila1213]

Is this the right place for this? I'm looking for advice. My DH loves to tell my 15 mo DD that she is pretty. Like, "let's put these shorts on your head. Oh, look in the mirror! Look how pretty you are!" DD has her towel on after her bath (with flap over her head) "Look at the baby! She is sooo pretty! Look how pretty M is!" DH puts a plastic donut over DD's arm: "Look at you! You have a bracelet on! How pretty!"

I know he means well. And I have tried to tell him that she doesn't know what pretty is, so he's really not "complimenting" her the way adults would see it. She is learning that pretty is when she has something "extra" on, and Daddy gets all excited, so it must be important to be pretty. I noticed that whenever she had something on (see above) that she would want to go show Da-Da. I think I perpetuated it too, because I would think she looked so cute in an outfit that I would say, "let's go show Da-Da"... and, see above.

He seemed to be trying to hold back a little bit, but then recently said "Her daddy's gonna tell her she's pretty. That's just what daddies do."

He already feels that I try to dictate a lot of the parenting decisions: food/nutrition/breastfeeding, co-sleeping, appropriate toys, etc. How can I gently make my point that this is not going to be good for her in the long run? Or, better yet, how could I help him arrive at this conclusion himself?

I would also like to hear from anyone who doesn't think what he is doing would be harmful. And links to articles would be great. He wouldn't read any, but I might be able to read one to him in such a way that he would be willing to listen. Thanks!!

[lilyka]

i think you are being a little controling. He isn't hurting anything. let them have their fun. Its just loving and silly and fun that they have and there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. it might not be your preference but please just let them have this.

[MichelleAnnette]

What's wrong with being pretty? If a child is raised in a loving AP style environment, she is not going to think all that matters is being pretty just because her daddy tells her she is pretty. She will feel special and loved and PRETTY!

[yarngoddess]

I told my DH that when I was little I was told I was "pretty" but never told that I was smart- and now I feel that i'm stupid and that pretty is rediculiously redundant. We had a long talk about how being a girl in this society is all about being pretty- which is improtant but not all that important. We talked about how our girls need to be smart. We agreed that he should alternate between telling the girls that they are pretty with how smart they are.

Being a partner and a parent can be hard. You have to let Dada make some decisions, and then back him up. You have to talk about things, and explain your point of view, and then listen to him. Make compromises and work together. Girls need their dada to think they are pretty and the most special in the whole world- and you have to let her have that- even if you have to teach her that being pretty isn't all that you need in the world.

[siennasmom]

If he only praises her for being pretty, it's a problem. If he also tells her she's smart and funny and strong or other positive things, I don't think there is a problem.

[bdavis337]

Why does this matter, really? My boys are handsome, and I tell them so. They're also smart, and funny, and exciting, and I tell them that as well.

He's her daddy. She's his pretty little girl, and he wants to tell her that. Let him.

[Treasuremapper]

I don't think it is harmful. In fact, I think it is great! Your husband sounds like a doll to me. I think a girl knowing she is pretty, smart, funny, etc. and that her parents enthusiastically adore her is a good thing. He's not doing it in a coercive or controlling way, he's just expressing genuine enthusiasm and love for his daughter. He's not implying that prettiness is a narrow, weird standard of some kind.

I have two daughters, and we tell them they are pretty, smart, funny, and so forth. I think even Alfie Kohn may be OK with spontaneous expressions of warmth and enthusiasm! (but you Kohn experts please correct me) -- it's the coercive aspect that we try to avoid, or the feeling that they must fit a narrow rigid view of beauty that's dangerous to me, or even that they must be pretty or that pretty is best. I see the possible danger you are concerned with, but for a 15 month old girl I would totally let go of this.

I don't have a link to an article -- follow your heart.

[Cloverlove]

Originally Posted by leila1213

[He] recently said "Her daddy's gonna tell her she's pretty. That's just what daddies do."

I think that is really sweet. My dad never told me I was pretty and fwiw I have a fairly negative self image.

I agree with the PP that you should let this go, especially if he is also complimenting her on her other positive attributes.

[Treasuremapper]

I know, I love that sweet quote from OPs dh. That he is respectfully and gently standing up for telling his dd she is pretty. Sigh.

[momto l&a]

My dh tells my girls all the time that they are beautiful.

He figures if they dont get praise and love from him they will go elsewhere for it.

My dad always told me I looked nice. He didnt throw his words around lightly so it meant a lot to hear him say complement me. :

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Originally Posted by siennasmom

If he only praises her for being pretty, it's a problem. If he also tells her she's smart and funny and strong or other positive things, I don't think there is a problem.

:

[Evenstar]

I agree with PPs, that it shouldn't be a problem as long as he is valuing other attributes, as well. In addition, we can go even further, so I thought I would share a piece of advice handed to me:

"I think its not what we do that limits us, but rather, what we fail to do. Along those lines, tell him also that is so much more than cute or smart, or than what words can ever say. Tell him he is forever, and forever one with the One and Only, that his essence is greater than his body can hold or show, that his being is more vast than creation itself, and on and on like that. Let your love flow, but in greater ways than attending to his finite form alone can express."

Let your love flow

[twilight girl]

I tell my daughter that she is beautiful every day. And I also make clear that I mean the whole package beautiful. Beautiful isn't just that her hair is fixed or she has on an dress, she is beautiful to me every day. And hearing it from us, her parents, can't help but build her self esteem. If you ask me, every girl should hear from her parents that she is beautiful/pretty, because they all are and should grow up believing it, instead of worrying about being fat or ugly or whatever.

If only we all truly believed in our own beauty ... maybe there wouldn't be so many people on antidepressants!

[BinahYeteirah]

bs"d

I tell my daughters that they are pretty, cute, and beautiful endlessly. I also make an effort to also tell them that they are smart, clever, strong, fun, special, and so on. As long as her physical beauty isn't the only trait that is valued, I think it's a good thing.

[AlexisT]

yep agreed. also, I prefer to phrase it as "look pretty"... pretty (or ugly) being something you make yourself be, not just something you are, iyswim. I think this will be more important when she's older and fixated on her appearance though. I can't help but coo all sorts of things at my DD at the moment

[Ammaarah]

I don't think it's bad to say she looks pretty. I think the more a girl hears it sincerely from her dad, the less likely she might be to go looking for it from some guy when she's a young teen.

[hanno]

Is it a gender thing? a focus on appearance thing?
I tell my husband he is pretty all the time. He is! My son is a pretty baby. If he switched it to beautiful, would it help? I also have a weird habit of telling people they are pretty when I'm trying to get across that they are lovely in many ways other than looks.

[jenmidwife2b]

I don't see the problem really. I think that's awesome that your dh is that "into" your daughter, that he loves to dote on her like that. I'd be praising my dh for making that effort, not giving him grief.

[veggiemomma]

My DH tells dd all the time how pretty she is. He also tells ds that he is handsome, and sometimes pretty, too. Your DH is right. GOOD dads just do that.

Would you rather have a comment like this one my father gave me after I didn't lose the extra ten pounds after I had my ds. He said "Well, you're probably not as fat as you're gonna get."

I see no harm in him telling your dd she is pretty, unless she isn't and you don't want him to lie to her.

[Mothra]

You know, this bothers me, too. And so do a dozen other things my husband does with the kids. But they're his kids, too, and I don't need to give consent or approval for every interaction he has with them. I do a lot that bugs him, too. Unless one of us feels very strongly about, we just let it slide.

Like the PP have said, if he's giving her positive feedback in other areas, I don't see the problem. I'm not a huge fan of praise, but I think you should give him some room to be her father.