DH tells DD she's Pretty - Page 3

[secretresistance]

I can totally see where the OP is coming from on this. I would be uncomfortable if anyone in my daughter's life made an ongoing big deal about her appearance.

Those of you with sons: how often do your boys get appearance based compliments? DD is often dressed "gender neutrally" so we've had some interesting experiences to ponder.

While I think DD is an incomparable beauty, (and I tell her so), I also think that her beauty is the least magnificent thing about her. Who she is and how she feels means so much more to me, so I tend to speak more to her about those things. Do keep in mind that this lovely child is only 13 months old, so we'll see how it's going in a few years!

[katheek77]

I've had my daughter called a "beautiful little boy" (exact words) recently (we tend to dress her however we feel...Da-da's in the army, so she has camo, and we had to cut her bangs, so now she has a mullet . And we've gotten compliments on "his" big brown eyes. Sometimes she looks like a boy, but, to be honest, people still compliment when they think she's a he. *shrug* And she's gotten compliments when dressed as a girl for how quick or strong she is, so, at least people tend to pick different things to compliment her on...

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by secretresistance

Those of you with sons: how often do your boys get appearance based compliments?

Oh all the time Of course people usually think they're girls so that may be part of it but even people who know they are boys have been known to comment on their appearance.

The older two get constant comments on their hair because they are biracial.

[Carrie77]

Here's a thought coming from someone who never got compliments from her dad: Let this daddy be a daddy. If he wants to tell his daughter she's pretty - I think that is fabulous. I'm sure he also tells her she's smart and funny too.

I tell my son he is handsome all the time (had to wean myself from calling him pretty, now that he's a toddler!). I also tell him he's smart and wonderful.

Instead of discouraging and being so critical of your DH (OP), maybe you could use some positive reinforcement for him too - "you are such a great dad" "I love how much time you spend with our daughter" "I think it is great that you dote on her" "Didn't we create an amazingly smart, beautiful, talented daughter?"

[onlyboys]

Originally Posted by secretresistance

Those of you with sons: how often do your boys get appearance based compliments? DD is often dressed "gender neutrally" so we've had some interesting experiences to ponder.

We constantly hear how cute our kids are. Or handsome, or beautiful, even.

And, I'm incredibly guilty of telling them how amazingly beautiful they are. Well, they ARE!

[attachedmamaof3]

I think it's wonderful.

And he's right. It is what good daddies do. Your daughter will know his intentions and will have the awesome experience of growing up completely adored by her father.

[transformed]

girls are still allowed to be pretty, I hope

And as she develops, she will be smart, fun, intelligent, and all those other great qualitys.

Sex is so scary in our worlds, I can understand your concern-but dont take daddy thinking she is pretty away from her.

[leila1213]

Originally Posted by 425lisamarie

I was trying to figure out a way to say this nicely but it always sounded snarky as I was thinking it. Alot of woman feel like they have to go full force in to some kind of weird feministic deal and figure since it's a crunchy-ish website everyone will agree. I don't think it says anything great for woman in general, to have a woman say you can't say a woman is pretty :

Now my uncle, who compliments his daughter getting a butt and buying her hip hugger pants with letters across the backside to draw attention to it...that's wrong. Saying a girl is pretty is sweet. I'm sure he calls her other nice names too. I tell my kids both they are amazing/sweet/beautiful and everything else every minute of the day too. I tell my mom that, my sister, my dad, my husband and everyone else I love.

That does sound kind of snarky. I can admit I am a "new convert" and am guilty of being overzealous. I did not, for the record, say "you can't say a woman is pretty". We are talking about a 15 month old.

I have read all of the comments and taken them (mostly) to heart. I can and will lay off my DH for gushing over his beautiful little daughter. What I was concerned about is that he was making SUCH a big deal about her being pretty basically only when she is wearing some extra accessory (not just complimenting her on her beautiful eyes, or skin, or smile, or whatever). Today it is something silly and cute, but tomorrow it might be makeup and a short skirt. Not that he would promote those things, he definitely won't. But I just wanted to avoid her getting the wrong concept of what "pretty" means and thinking that her *self* is not enough to elicit the praise and excitement from daddy. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm not explaining this well...

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by leila1213

What I was concerned about is that he was making SUCH a big deal about her being pretty basically only when she is wearing some extra accessory (not just complimenting her on her beautiful eyes, or skin, or smile, or whatever). Today it is something silly and cute, but tomorrow it might be makeup and a short skirt. Not that he would promote those things, he definitely won't. But I just wanted to avoid her getting the wrong concept of what "pretty" means and thinking that her *self* is not enough to elicit the praise and excitement from daddy. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm not explaining this well...

I think it's okay. There's plenty of time. I would worry if as your daughter grew she had to listen to a lot of sexist stuff, like "girls can't..." or anything like that. I truly don't think she's going to internalize anything harmful at this age.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by katheek77

I was the "smart" (read: not pretty) one...my sister was the "pretty" (read: not smart) one. In reality, I'm not ugly, at least cute, and my sister is certainly not unintelligent, just not a genius.

However, growing up, that was the message we got.

I think it subtly influenced both our lives. Or maybe everyone was correct. I think the issue is whether she's being told she has other positive qualities, as well.

I tell my daughter on a regular basis that she's beautiful, pretty, clever, kind, strong, helpful, sweet, funny, etc. And she is...what's wrong with that?

They needed to read Siblings without rivalry!

[secretresistance]

Originally Posted by leila1213

What I was concerned about is that he was making SUCH a big deal about her being pretty basically only when she is wearing some extra accessory (not just complimenting her on her beautiful eyes, or skin, or smile, or whatever). Today it is something silly and cute, but tomorrow it might be makeup and a short skirt. Not that he would promote those things, he definitely won't. But I just wanted to avoid her getting the wrong concept of what "pretty" means and thinking that her *self* is not enough to elicit the praise and excitement from daddy. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm not explaining this well...

All of that makes total sense to me, and I think I would feel the same way. You don't need to feel bad for wanting to open dialog on the subject even if it's not harmful now. No one has to get worked up (and I don't think you are), and discussion itself is usually worth something!

DP and I are always theorizing about this or that parenting situation; I especially am guilty of the dread "over thinking." I guess that might make us more neurotic than most, but we also end up giving things a lot of thought as well.

[425lisamarie]

Originally Posted by leila1213

That does sound kind of snarky. I can admit I am a "new convert" and am guilty of being overzealous. I did not, for the record, say "you can't say a woman is pretty". We are talking about a 15 month old.

I have read all of the comments and taken them (mostly) to heart. I can and will lay off my DH for gushing over his beautiful little daughter. What I was concerned about is that he was making SUCH a big deal about her being pretty basically only when she is wearing some extra accessory (not just complimenting her on her beautiful eyes, or skin, or smile, or whatever). Today it is something silly and cute, but tomorrow it might be makeup and a short skirt. Not that he would promote those things, he definitely won't. But I just wanted to avoid her getting the wrong concept of what "pretty" means and thinking that her *self* is not enough to elicit the praise and excitement from daddy. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm not explaining this well...

Well someone else said it first .

[thismama]

Originally Posted by maplesugar

Since when is being pretty a bad thing?

Well, the difficulty is that little girls get the message that what is valuable about them is whether they are pretty. So, although I agree that it may be really good for a girl to know her father believes she is pretty, I also think that over-emphasizing his joy in her beauty can be very damaging.

I think the OP is right to be concerned, and I would talk to him about it.