Teaching Ownership

[transformed]

I hope I can complete this thought and this post doesnt end up all over the place...

I am shifting my parenting a little bit because I spent the first 4 years of my ds's life blaming everything in the world except him for his behavior. I understand that some things are age appropriate, and you have to be educated, but I have to examine one thing in particular-

How do you teach your children ownership for their actions if you are always blaming food, boredom, etc for their bad behaviors?

Are we going to have a generation of kids who act like total jerks and blame it on Red Dye?

I am trying to figure out at what age you teach your kids ownership-if you are in that boat.

I dont think I can do it anymore. I think it has turned him into MORE of a lil you-know-what, rather than actually improving it.

I am never going to have my kids on a perfectly balenced diet without any artificial additives. Its not reality in my life, but I can do my best.

Curious.

I wonder when we will see the first book "Red Dye #40 made me do it!"

[Nurturing Mama]

My son is five and he owns his behavior, and lately I've been wondering how that happened. I think it's because I refuse to own it for him by punishing "bad" behaviors. For example, if he gets too rough with a friend, I don't spank or give a time out and consider the problem solved. It's up to him to make ammends, not me, but I will help him as needed.

I do try to make sure he isn't hungry, tired, overloaded on sugar, etc, but I see that as setting him up for success rather than failure. I would never watch him push somebody and say, "oh yeah, it was the pop-tart's fault" .

Edited to add, I didn't really answer your question. I personally see being overtired, etc. as a reason for "bad" behavior, but not an excuse. For example, I might say something like, "I know you're bored, but you need to stop screeching because it hurts the ears of everyone around you." So I recognize what might be causing the problem behavior, but still work to help my son behave more appropriately. Recognizing that he's tired, bored, whatever, reminds me that he's not a rotten brat, and helps me to stay calm. It doesn't give my son a free pass.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by Nurturing Mama

My son is five and he owns his behavior, and lately I've been wondering how that happened. I think it's because I refuse to own it for him by punishing "bad" behaviors.
I do try to make sure he isn't hungry, tired, overloaded on sugar, etc, but I see that as setting him up for success rather than failure. I would never watch him push somebody and say, "oh yeah, it was the pop-tart's fault" .

.

I notice you put bad in quotes as if its up to percepion what is "bad" or not? Could you clarify?

Also, I have so totally said things like "He pushed him cause of the pop tart." : LOL. Which I guess is why I need to depart from this-I tend to talk out loud about stuff in front of him which I feel gives him a free pass to be a little s***. I just reason out loud. And also, since there is never a time when m kids arent around me, I have to explain stuff to my mom and other caretakers because they are likley to be way more punitive than me for silly little behaviors. So I have to talk it out with them in front of him ALL THE TIME.

I love my lil s*** though.

[Nurturing Mama]

Originally Posted by transformed

I notice you put bad in quotes as if its up to percepion what is "bad" or not? Could you clarify?

Hmm, I don't know. I guess I'm just cautious about the word "bad" when it comes to describing children. But, yeah, if he pushes another kid, that's bad.

[chfriend]

I think you teach ownership by owning your own misbehavior. Which 'cause I can get right cranky at times, I have ample opportunity to do.

[marybethorama]

IKWYM but...

okay, I think foods really are an issue for some people. But not all.

I've also seen where a child might have neurological issues FE and the parents are sure it's just because they ate a certain food and if they remove that from their diet, all will be fine.

It's a controversial subject though and I'm not familiar with all the ins and outs. I just know that some people disagree.

[VisionaryMom]

I hear ya. I've heard many parents say things along the lines of "well, it's not his fault he hit Susie. We had to stop at McDonald's today, and fast food makes him like that." WTF? Are you kidding? What about Susie? Is she just supposed to accept being hit because you didn't plan ahead? I always say, "then maybe you all should go home." I do think it's possible to cross the line between acknowledging reasons and excusing behavior.

I try to keep in mind for me that when DS is too tired or bored, he starts acting out. I've just never let him think that he can mistreat other people because of it.

In your situation, I'd start with simple behaviors. He shouldn't hit other kids. When he does, he faces whatever your version of discipline is - no excuses. Then move on when you've got that one down. I know what you're saying, though. I'm a bear when I'm hungry, but I can't (or shouldn't) go around biting off people's heads because of it. Our children can't treat other people that way either.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Nurturing Mama

My son is five and he owns his behavior, and lately I've been wondering how that happened. I think it's because I refuse to own it for him by punishing "bad" behaviors. For example, if he gets too rough with a friend, I don't spank or give a time out and consider the problem solved. It's up to him to make ammends, not me, but I will help him as needed.

(Bolding mine.) This is so astute, and I really think you answer the question perfectly!

[mammal_mama]

One thing I'd add to Nurturing Mama's statement is that I think our focus should be on how our behavior affects other people (as well as ourselves), and not on blaming.

Foods may influence how we feel and act, and learning our own triggers can help us make better behavioral choices in the eating department. In the same way, we can help our children recognize their various emotional states, and plan ways to get through difficult moments without emotionally or physically harming others.

This is way more effective than feeding into the blame/punishment cycle.

Just thought I'd throw that out there, in the hopes that the op won't simply shift the blame from the red dye to the child. To my way of thinking, blaming is totally unproductive, regardless of who the culprit is.