Close relatives who smoke

[Coco_Hikes]

Wise mamas, does anyone else have a close relative--grandparent level, not someone they see only rarely--who smokes? What is your policy on visiting that person's home?

Since I was pregnant and now that our daughter is 15 months, we have been avoiding spending time inside my ILs' house because my MIL is a heavy smoker. My husband and I have always been on the same page about wanting to avoid exposing our daughter to any cigarette (or other) smoke. So our solution has been that we visit his parents during the warm months, when we can spend time outside on their deck or in their yard with our little girl, and they come to visit us in our nonsmoking home in the late autumn and through the winter. We've done this for almost two years and it's worked out pretty well, in our opinion.

But now that we are approaching fall again, my MIL has been putting pressure on my husband about whether we'll visit her and FIL at their house over the next few months. She thinks that since our daughter is now older, we'll (my husband and I) be okay with having her spend time in a house in which a lot of smoking goes on. Again, my husband and I are in agreement that this will not happen, but earlier this week his mom mentioned getting a letter from her doctor telling us that it's okay to have our toddler spend time inside her grandma's house. I'm not sure what to make of this development--while on one hand it really has no bearing on our decision, it does illustrates how MIL thinks we are off the mark about our health concerns related to third-hand smoke. I don't want to be unfair to my in-laws and love when they spend time with my babe, but I believe in the dangers of third-hand smoke, even if they don't, and my husband, himself a former smoker, is somewhat awed by how much his parents' house reeks when we go over there in the summer, even though his mom will say she smoked only in her upstairs bedroom with the door closed for a few days before our visit. I always feel badly when I hear this, because I really think she and FIL are just in denial--or can't smell from years of living in a smoking home--about the stink, let alone our health concerns. She makes FIL go crazy with Febreeze and vaccuming the carpets in advance of our visits in the hope that we might change our minds and go inside. (I'm not sure what's in Febreeze, but I don't think it's made of microbes that eat up third-hand smoke nasties that linger on fabrics. )

Maybe it's just a matter of MIL anticipating a slowdown on visits since they'll be the ones having to do the driving (fifty minutes one way) for the next few months. Luckily, my husbands' siblings were able to host the holidays (Thanksgiving at one's house; Christmas at the other's; we weren't "allowed" to host since our apartment is too small for the whole family ) last year, so we were able to avoid going to the ILs' for Christmas, which had been the tradition. I think the same plans will play out this year. I know it makes my MIL sad that she can't have everyone over to her house for Christmas and weekend dinners here and there as she had in the past, so I am aware of the big compromise she is making for us. She really loves the image of having all her kids (three sons) and their wives sitting around her dining room table, etc. etc. And there has been a noticeable slowdown in visits in which the whole family gets together, which I think coincides both with our not wanting to deal with the smoking as well as her other son and DIL becoming busier with their now-school-aged son's weekend extracurriculars. But (did you see the but coming?) avoiding the smoking house is a non-negotiable issue for us. We just don't want our toddler rolling around on furniture and a carpet with however many years' worth of smoke residing in it. But I'd like some opinions from folks outside of my circle--are we being too extreme in our health concerns?

[loriforeman]

i've never let my children enter a place where there was smoking going on.

ever.

that includes restaurants that have smoking sections...and anywhere else, family included.

i'm also very matter-of-fact about it...i tell them that while we love them greatly, my children's health is paramount. my FIL quit smoking soon after the babes were there, so we only had to avoid a few engagements, thank goodness!

it's not even up for discussion...i just smile and tell them to let me know when they have a non-smoking home. (and i'm not just talking about for a DAY.)

there's too much research...too much to show how detrimental smoking is. i'm just not willing to take that chance with my babes.


kudos to you.

[alegna]

My mother smokes.

Thank goodness only outside now though, so it's not gross at her house.

-Angela

[Krystal323]

wow. my dh has been trying to quit, and it's so hard for him. he has smoked since he was 7 years old can you imagine how hard it is for him to quit?? he quit smoking in the car/around me when I got pregnant, and he's never smoked inside our house. but yes of course he holds his daughter sometimes. should i not let him??

i remember when my firstborn was tiny, and i was married to my ex--his parents were big smokers and I *hated* going over their house because of it. But in hindsight, I feel bad that I deprived him of a set of doting, loving grandparents for so long, and I think he ended up being "snobbish" about people who smoke. That makes me sad.

Smoking is a horrible habit, and it causes so much pain in so many ways. I can see your concerns, but at the same time I can also feel sorry for your ILs--they're being snubbed by their son and DIL and missing out on your dd for something that they know is killing them and that they feel like they can't (don't know how to) quit.

good luck with this

[StephandOwen]

After ds had croup at 2 months old, then again a month later and again a month after that, I put my foot down and he never entered a house where anyone was smoking. Ever. DS's "dad" and paternal grandparents smoke. At first our rule was no smoking in the house while ds was there. After those croup incidents, and an incident where ds's paternal grandfather lit up WHILE he was there, I said no more. He saw those family members in public spots after that. When ex and I went to court I got a court order stating ds was not to be in any house, car, etc where smoking had EVER taken place (meaning ex couldn't smoke in the car on the way to pick up ds, since he thought that was a-ok : ). Ex no longer exercises his visitation so I don't have to worry about it. He has a chance to see Owen, he doesn't. I give his paternal family a chance to see Owen. Sometimes they take it, sometimes they don't. Now I live in a place where smoking is not allowed in restaurants and other public places so I don't worry too much about it. Noone I know here smokes.

[Delta]

Well, to me it's not just the immediate health concerns, but also the poor example it sets.

[GooeyRN]

My dad smokes. When we visit, he only smokes outside and during the night he smokes in his bedroom with the door shut. We won't visit otherwise.

[2Sweeties1Angel]

DH smokes, but I refuse to let him smoke in the house and he doesn't want to anyway. He hides outside and is down to something like half a pack per day, so hopefully he'll be able to quit before long. MIL and her husband smoke, but they only smoke in their bedroom when we visit. BIL and his wife smoke and since they won't *not* smoke around our kids, we just don't visit them.

[tm2840]

My 2 cents only.

I'm obviously not going to try to change your mind about your decision because you said it was non-negotiable. And it is YOUR child and THEIR health and YOUR decision.

That being said, I wouldn't necessarily say, "no way ever." I would be okay with a monthly dinner if it were a big, all-family-members event with no smoking indoors during the time we were there. But that's me.

but yes of course he holds his daughter sometimes. should i not let him?

I smoked when DS was a baby. The smoke and chemicals do get on your clothes and my research showed that they can transfer to the baby. So as an infant I would go outside to smoke, wearing a ratty, nasty bathrobe over my clothes (even in 90 degree weather), smoke, come inside, wash hands and brush teeth. Hmmm... maybe that unpleasant routine helped me quit smoking! Would I be as concerned about an occasional hug for an older toddler or child? Personally, no.

I can also imagine the kids getting older and "Ewwwing" the G-parents to embarrassment! Which brings me to the next sentence.

Well, to me it's not just the immediate health concerns, but also the poor example it sets.

I would never smoke in front of my child, nor my husband. I think daily, parental smoking may have some subconscious effect that could lead to smoking children. BUT,we've always used the times when we see people smoking (small town, medium sized college so it happens a lot) as educational moments. My children know that smoking is VERY bad for you, their senses tell them it's yucky, but they have sympathy,not disgust, for the smokers. I explained about chemicals that make you feel happy (like those you body makes when someone hugs you) and how some people use drugs to make their body feel similar, even though it doesn't work as well as body-made chemicals and THAT'S why they do something so bad for them and icky to look at.

I hope you can keep peaceful relations with your ILs. Best of luck on that to you!

[pumpkin]

There is no way I would go to their house. I would just stand firm on your decision. They do have the option of quitting if they want to host family. Its their habit and they should care about protecting the grandkids. Letting them come to your house or meeting on neutral ground is a fair compromise.

[Rani]

My parents both smoked when I was growing up. I hated and still hate it! Dad quit years ago, mom still smokes. It is not okay. We live several states over so when we go to visit, we stay at a hotel or dh's parents and then visit. But, to be honest, we spend as little time as possible at their actual house. It reeks, its in the walls...no Febreze and vacuuming don't help. The toxic chemicals get into the wallboard and floorboards.

Example: DHs' grandma smoked for 40 years (died of emphysema...). When they were rehabbing the house to sell, they removed the paint and wall paper. They still had to use a heavy duty solvent on the walls because you could still smell tobacco, rub them with a wet cloth and get nicotine off...

My mom knows that we don't come in side for long. We meet them and go to visit the other relatives or do other activities. For me, its a non-negotiable issue and she knows it. DD is 9 now....

[mija y mijo]

I totally understand your concern for your child's health. I hate smoking and think it's an awful habit.

DC have grandparents that smoke and they are great about going outside to smoke when they are around. I don't like it, but I would never imagine not taking them to their grandparent's house for visits or holiday get-togethers because they smoke.

I think that the time our kids spend with them and the memories they have of being at their house far outweigh any minimal exposure from third-hand smoke they may get for the limited time they are there.

[carmel23]

This is so hard. But it is really unhealthy to even have kids around people smoking outside. I wouldn't want my children to be inside with someone smoking.

My parents used to smoke--my father still does but only outside. He has tried so many times to quit, but just can't do it permanently. My mom quit! So my dad has to smoke outside.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your inlaws. Bring them information from the american cancer society and the surgeon general. There is some pretty shocking information on cigarettes, and it may change their minds about smoking around the grand kids. So, ask them. My parents stopped/moved it outside when my kids were born.

oh, and if someone smokes even outside, have them wear a jacket that they can take off and wash their hands face (a hat is probably a good idea, too) because the stuff does cling to clothing. If you smell smoke on someone, they probably should hold a small baby...

Good luck!

[~PurityLake~]

With my FIL, my daughters aren't allowed in his house.
My husband sometimes takes them in quick to say hello, but I've not allowed it lately. Not only does my FIL smoke in his house, my husband smokes in his house when he's there. My FIL has a woodstove and concrete floors and his house is filthy.

Last time we were there, my husband took my youngest into his house as I was unstrapping my oldest from her carseat.
I went in, picked her up and said, nope she's not allowed in here because it's dangerous and you smoke in here.

I took them outside until my husband was done visiting his dad (it was 2 hours!) and we were only out in that town because we were supposed to be visiting my SIL and her 3 day old baby.

I haven't been to my MIL's house in over a year.
I flat out refuse to go to her home at all ever again.
Yes, she smokes like a chimney in her home, in the kitchen, in the living room, anywhere, and has dirty ashtrays all over the place.
But, she also criticizes my parenting choices (and she's so not one to talk!!!!) and even screamed at me in my face because my daughter spilled some dry cereal as she attempted to pour it in a bowl (on the floor) when she was 18 months old.
I was encouraging my daughter to clean up her mess when my MIL laid into me about 'letting' my daughter make a mess, not cleaning it up, and expecting her (my MIL to clean it up.
She screamed so loud and long she woke my sleeping 3 month old baby.
She continued to scowl at me, hand on hip, while I searched for a broom to sweep up what my daughter had missed, and she just hovered over me with that nasty look on her face. I started crying.

Right afterward, while I was nursing my youngest in the living room, MIL (in the kitchen, while smoking) was telling my husband, who'd missed the scene, how it was all my fault and that I was just trying to annoy her and that it's not her job to clean up after my family (what, like her son had no part in creating my family).

She's just crazy and I refuse to ever enter her home again.

Forgot to mention, this was for Christmas dinner at her house. I am not a Christian and she is.
This wasn't the issue, since she thinks her son and I are Christian.
I'm just pointing out it wasn't very 'Christian' of her during Christmas dinner to behave so horribly.

[stacey2061]

DH and I were just discussing this today over breakfast. It's Thanksgiving weekend here and we won't be seeing his family, including his brother and nephews who live 5 hours away, because the in-laws smoke in their home. We've made it clear that we will not be spending any time inside their house as long as people smoke there, but we would be happy to host them in our non-smoking home (and no we don't like for them to smoke in the yard, either, because they still bring that lovely smell with them and it takes days to get it out of the couches). Anyway, the in-laws don't come over at all because they can't smoke here, and we don't go there. They live 15 minutes away and we see them a couple times a year for dinners out and that's it. It's really sad, but I'm not compromising my family's health for their habits. I used to smoke, so I know what it's like, and I never had any trouble going above and beyond people's rules for smokers. I'm very sorry that they think we're being unreasonable, but that's just too bad. Like I said, they are more than welcome in our home ~ you'd think they could take an hour off smoking to spend some time with DS. We lived with them back in the days before kids and when we smoked, and MIL and I used to carpool to work in the mornings ~ it was 10 minutes to town ~ and she used to smoke AT LEAST 2 cigarettes on the way. yuck.

Anyway, my point is that you shouldn't have to compromise on this. It's really a shame, but your kids are worth more than their habits.

[treqi]

Yeh I hate the fact that MIL smokes in her house and thats why we've never accepted her invitation to sleep over but we (dd and I) once spent about 5 hours(no car 20 miles from my house) straight there. It was crazy dd couldn't stand the smell so I would take her outside for as long as I could but MIL kept on pestering me that it was freezing(45 degrees in Nov) and dd was going to get sick....... yup my breastfed and warmly dressed babe is gunna die cause I've had her outside for 10min.... well I'm sorry but when shes inside she screams and when shes outside she is smiling.....

[tm2840]

I was discussing this thread with DH and we noticed something interesting.

No one here let their children visit in the home of someone who smoked inside while the children were anywhere near them. But...

All (previous) respondents with parents who smoked let their children briefly visit their family home.

All (previous) respondents with in-laws who smoked did not let their children briefly visit their partner's family home.

Possible interesting topic for a S/O if anyone (not me!) : is so inclined.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by tm2840

I was discussing this thread with DH and we noticed something interesting.
No one here let their children visit in the home of someone who smoked inside while the children were anywhere near them.
All (previous) respondents with parents who smoked let their children briefly visit their family home.
All (previous) respondents with in-laws who smoked did not let their children briefly visit their partner's family home.

Well, my parents don't smoke.
If they did, I wouldn't let my children in their house, either.
I'm not prejudiced in regards to in-laws versus my parents.
I'm against my children's health being negatively affected by smoke, ashtrays, and burns.
I just don't want my children exposed to cigarette smoking anyone's home. I don't care WHO they are.

[dentmom3]

My mom smokes, outside only, and smokes outside when she is at my house as well. My kids are not allowed outside with her when she smokes, but they do realize what she is doing. We have used her smoking to start a dialogue about the poor/unhealthy choices that some people make. We have also talked about how hard smoking is to stop and how the best thing is to never do it in the first place. Then, to avoid vilifying my mom, we have talked about things that we didn't know/do in the past that we do differently now. Like carseats, and not smoking.

DD drew a picture in K the other day that shows my mom smoking and the teacher said it became the jumping off point for a discussion about not smoking and health for several of the kids.

[ThreeBeans]

No, my kids are not allowed in the home of anyone who smokes, relative or not, and whether or not they're smoking at that moment.