Close relatives who smoke - Page 3

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by homeschoolmama

I totally understand your concern for your child's health. I hate smoking and think it's an awful habit.

DC have grandparents that smoke and they are great about going outside to smoke when they are around. I don't like it, but I would never imagine not taking them to their grandparent's house for visits or holiday get-togethers because they smoke.

I think that the time our kids spend with them and the memories they have of being at their house far outweigh any minimal exposure from third-hand smoke they may get for the limited time they are there.

Can I ask how old your children are? Did you have any reservations about taking them to their smoking gparents' house when they were as young as my daughter is (15mos)? In the end, though, I'm not sure that her age even matters. To me there is no gateway age that will make it suddenly okay for her to be around all that smoking/residual smoke.

I hear what you are saying about having great memories of being at the grandparents' house, and that's one of the reasons why I posted.

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by carmel23

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your inlaws. Bring them information from the american cancer society and the surgeon general. There is some pretty shocking information on cigarettes, and it may change their minds about smoking around the grand kids. So, ask them. My parents stopped/moved it outside when my kids were born.

We've gone the information route with the ILs, and although FIL does often side with us--his own doctor told him he shouldn't be exposed to smoking because it bothers his assorted health problems--he in the end is the one who continues to buy the cigarettes for just-about-disabled MIL. : I mentioned that my husband is a former smoker himself, and he says his mom's stubbornness on not seeing our side of the issue boils down to the nature of addiction. He believes that a never-smoker like myself just won't be able to understand the levels of denial that his mom has built up around herself on this issue.

Another aspect to the story is that our daughter is their second grandchild. She has a nine-year-old cousin whose parents (my husband's brother and SIL) allowed MIL to smoke all around the little boy when he was a baby, and thereafter FIL babysat for him a lot. Cousin even used to go there for sleepovers, but that stopped after SIL discovered how many cigarette burns were on MIL's bedspread AND there was an incident of MIL setting her plastic butane lighter afire when she fell asleep another time. His parents now often comment about how much healthier he has been (fewer asthma attacks, less sicknesses) since he doesn't spent as much time at MIL and FIL's house. : Anyway, my point is that we get a lot of "Well, M and K didn't mind little M coming over here...." and it's hard for my husband and I to get past that "logic" in MIL's mind.

This thread really took off! Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories and for your helpful suggestions. Needless to say, we aren't going to change our policy, but it's helpful to know we aren't the only ones in this lame situation.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Coco_Hikes

He believes that a never-smoker like myself just won't be able to understand the levels of denial that his mom has built up around herself on this issue.

Here is an example of smoker's denial:

My MIL thought I was, in her words, crazy, stupid and paranoid, for me to quit smoking when I got pregnant.

She said, "I smoked through all 6 of my pregnancies, and they all turned out fine, so what's the big deal?"

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by homeschoolmama

I totally understand your concern for your child's health. I hate smoking and think it's an awful habit.

DC have grandparents that smoke and they are great about going outside to smoke when they are around. I don't like it, but I would never imagine not taking them to their grandparent's house for visits or holiday get-togethers because they smoke.

I think that the time our kids spend with them and the memories they have of being at their house far outweigh any minimal exposure from third-hand smoke they may get for the limited time they are there.

I agree with that.
If I decided not to let ds go to a home where someone smoked, he would very very rarely get to see his grandma (my mom). We live across the country, and stay with her when we visit. She smokes outside (with a few exceptions that I really need to work on- she thinks it's ok to smoke under the vent fan when ds is in another room. yuck).
Ds is 3, and I've never tried to keep him out of her house if she's not smoking in it while we are there.

[domestic_goddess]

My children would not be in that house ever while there is smoking going on. My younger brother was staying with us for a while and decided to start smoking again. He never smoked inside - always went for walks - but the smell was on his clothes, therefore on my furniture and on my kids if they played with him when he got back. Not okay with me. He was asked to quickly find someplace else to stay.
She's your daughter. They don't have any "rights" as grandparents to set visitation rules. If those are your rules and they are aware of them, they can quit smoking. I recognize that it is difficult, but if you have to choose between your grandchild and your smoking habit, you just might do yourself a favor.

[wannabe]

I don't think you're being paranoid or extreme at all. And I'm an ex-smoker who'd love to be able to smoke, but I have a kid now, so I can't. It's that simple. As the ads say - every cigarette is doing you damage.

But I can tell you that if there's ever an asteroid headed for Earth, or I get a terminal diagnosis for something, I'm going to go and buy some :

[Yooper]

Originally Posted by wannabe

But I can tell you that if there's ever an asteroid headed for Earth, or I get a terminal diagnosis for something, I'm going to go and buy some :

Tee hee. Me too!


I am generally pretty relaxed about this. It does annoy me when people light up near dd (outside) but unless it is on my property, I really do not feel it is my place to say anything. If I felt it was non-negotiable, I would simple stay away. It is not my place to ask people to change their habits. No one I know smokes inside so that has never been an issue. But we do have relatives and lots of close friends that do smoke outside around children. I do not feel compelled to boycott time spent with them due to the smoking issue. While I do believe that second and third hand smoke may be slightly dangerous to sensitive kids, mine is not and it is not worth lost relationships. We do talk about smoking all of the time. Dd knows I used to smoke and that dh still occasionally does. She knows how unhealthy it is. She knows my grandma died of lung cancer at a young age and knows that most of our friends would like to quit. I do not feel the slight health risk of outdoor second hand smoke is worth missing out on important relationships. Of course, my opinion would be different if dd had health issues like asthma or chemical sensitivity. I would draw the line at indoor smoking in most cases. It is just too unpleasant for me to smell it anyway. But if we were talking about an elderly relative that would likely not be around much longer, then yes, I would go visit and allow dd to as well.

I still clearly remember my great-grandmother chain smoking (indoors!) the entire time my sister and I would stay with her. She was very educated and lived to be 99! I remember the smell grossed me out, but being with her was awesome. I would not trade that for anything. I am really glad my mom did not boycott our visits over smoking although I know it killed her to allow it. The things I gained from being around her was worth whatever minuscule hit to my health I may have endured.

[Sharlla]

My FIL, MIL, SIL, and BIL all live in one home and all smoke. They are not allowed to smoke in the house when my kids are over. Sure it's their house but if they want to see their grandkids, then they won't do it. I'm not playing around with this. DH has terrible asthma and he blames his mom for exposing him to second hand smoke.

The sad thing is my SIL has a 1 year old and is PG. During the winter they all smoke in the house (except when my kids are over) I have even walked in to all 4 of them smoking with the baby in the room. I felt so bad for that little baby, they even do it in the car :

I smoke a pack a week. My kids have never seen me do it nor know I do. It's something that I do at work and not at home.

[limabean]

It sounds like your ILs really love your little girl, and that you enjoy them having a close relationship with her, which is great! It also sounds like your MIL is willing to make some compromises (having holidays at her kids' houses, etc.), which is good too.

That said, I think you're doing the right thing by sticking to your guns on the smoking issue. I've never had to deal with relatives who smoke, but I can imagine how awkward and difficult it would be to have to set such severe boundaries, and how you'd have to walk a fine line between protecting your DC and trying not to appear critical of your ILs -- kudos to you for doing a pretty darned good job of this!

The one thing I don't understand, especially since your MIL sounds like a loving woman who wants to be helpful, is why she feels that the frequency of visits has to "slow down" just because they're the ones who will have to do the driving for the next few months. Can't they visit you just as often as you visit them? I've read this scenario lots of times on this website -- how GPs will be upset that they "never" get to see the grandkids, when what they mean is that they're put out by having to be the ones to drive to visit the grandkids. Assuming the GPs have no disabilities that make travel difficult, I just don't understand that reasoning. In your shoes, I would just make it perfectly clear that your door is always open for visits and let go of any guilt.

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by limabean

The one thing I don't understand, especially since your MIL sounds like a loving woman who wants to be helpful, is why she feels that the frequency of visits has to "slow down" just because they're the ones who will have to do the driving for the next few months. Can't they visit you just as often as you visit them? I've read this scenario lots of times on this website -- how GPs will be upset that they "never" get to see the grandkids, when what they mean is that they're put out by having to be the ones to drive to visit the grandkids. Assuming the GPs have no disabilities that make travel difficult, I just don't understand that reasoning. In your shoes, I would just make it perfectly clear that your door is always open for visits and let go of any guilt.

Right--they are certainly welcome here at mostly any time, and they know this. The slow down will occur because MIL doesn't enjoy riding on major highways (Rt 80 in northern NJ, about 15 miles from NYC), as she's used to the less urbany roads where she and FIL live. And I'd say that that comment came from her realizing that she has gotten used to a summer of easy visits--easy on her end since we were the ones traveling--and is now thinking ahead to all the driving she will have to endure in the next few months. My in-laws--both MIL and FIL and the two BILs--have this weird notion that it takes longer for them to drive out to see us than it does for us to see them. Maybe they think we beam over when it's our turn.