When do you give up trying?

[tylerin]

My beautiful DD went on a couple of short (2 day or so) nursing strikes between 2 and 3 mos old. I had to return to work at 3 mos old, and for the first week or so, she was transitioning between BF when I was home and bottle feeding EBM while I was at work. Then, about a week after I started work, we had a house fire and went out of town over the weekend. On Monday after we returned, DD stopped BFing completely, except for the night feedings when she's half asleep. I tried everything, talked to LC, read up on nursing strikes and did everything I could.

Bottom line... She's now 5 months old and has never returned to BF from me except at night. Even then, if she wakes up completely, she turns away from the breast and won't take it. There was a short period where she went back to the breast when we refused to give her a bottle (feeding via syringe), but as soon as she got a bottle again (while I'm at work) she refused the breast.

To me, it doesn't seem fair to refuse a bottle long-term (to her or to her daytime caregivers), and then it is inconsistent if I refuse a bottle in the evenings when I get home but have the caregiver give them during the day.

It has been heartbreaking for me to see her refuse the breast time and time again while getting visibly excited over a bottle. And since the only time I get to BF is at night, I haven't let anyone take over night feedings, so I'm exhausted since I haven't gotten a full night of sleep in months. And, I still try to get her to take the breast when we're together, especially on weekends, because every once in a GREAT while (like right after a good nap) she'll actually take it during the day and I don't have to stare down the pump again.

My question is, at what point should I give up trying to get her to take the breast when we're together, and/or give up exclusively night feedings (I'm pretty sure that she'll give up the breast at night if she's allowed to have a bottle then)? The doctor says that there's no difference nutritionally between EBM in a bottle and BFing, and even my husband (who has been supportive) says the only reason he is supporting me is for my benefit, not hers. So then I feel selfish wanting to woo her back to the breast and trying so hard-- like the only reason to do it is because I don't want to have to pump and then bottle feed her?

My LC says that as long as she's still feeding from me at night, that she can be wooed back to the breast, but that it can be a lot of work to do that (I'm reading that as crying, etc), and since everyone (DH and my Doc) seems to think the only reason to do that is for me, I am not feeling good about causing trauma like that to my DD for selfish reasons.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Although, I don't need a list of ways to end nursing strikes-- I am intimately familiar with every site on the web regarding them and haven't had any success with them (except as I mentioned, refusing bottles, which doesn't seem fair).

Thanks mamas! Sorry it's such a long post, I don't have anyone near me who I can talk to about it, since no one's experienced anything like this, and they just all think I should give up.

[egfmba]

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time!

I say stop trying when you simply can't do it anymore. Only when you're at peace with giving up will your heart allow you to. So, when you can't bear the thought of trying one more time, that's when you should give up. It sounds like you're not quite ready to give up. It sounds from your post that you'd rather BF, and not just because you're tired of the pump. There's so much more to breastfeeding than milk transfer. You seem to want that 'more'. I say keep trying. Babies go back and forth; yours may just suddenly go back to the breast (as suddenly as she left it).

I wish you luck and patience and a baby who wants the same thing you want, whatever that may be. I hope you keep getting support, no matter who you turn to for it, no matter the reason. I think you're a great mom for trying so hard to share more than just milk with your daughter. Keep it up!

eva

[CathMac]

Originally Posted by tylerin

...
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Although, I don't need a list of ways to end nursing strikes-- I am intimately familiar with every site on the web regarding them and haven't had any success with them (except as I mentioned, refusing bottles, which doesn't seem fair).
...

tylerin,
You've saved me the bother of posting an exhaustive list of resources but I can't resist the urge to mention one in particular. Have you heard of "re-birthing". It's briefly described in a Kellymom article that you have probably read but the link to the actual article on that technique is inactive.

Essentially you simply take a nice warm bath with baby and give them the opportunity to help themselves. You might want to have someone with you just as a safety precaution.

What I like about this is that it is a very low pressure approach and it's a relaxing bonding experience regardless.

For me this illustrates that it doesn't have to be a do or die mission but rather a low pressure series of giving DC an opportunity to nurse. It sounds so simple but I'm sure it's not. But if you have the kind of time and patience required that would be my suggestion.

Just keep offering in a variety of relaxed, low pressure scenarios and see what happens.

Good luck. ~Cath

[tylerin]

Cath,

Thanks for the idea; I have read that site but am somewhat unclear on how to "rebirth"-- is it somewhat similar to the "breast crawl" technique used in third world countries (and others) where a newborn is placed between the breasts and allowed to seek out the breast in their own time (typically 30-60 minutes)?

I have tried bathing with her but it is more like playtime to her, and if I try to let her do her own thing she invariably shifts position and I have to catch her before she falls into the bath :-) She never seems to get really relaxed in the bath like I think she'd have to for it to work. Any ideas?

Erin

[MaryJaneLouise]

One other thought - pardon me if you have looked into this already. Nursing ONLY laying down / sleepy is a classic sign of reflux.

http://www.kellymom.com/babyconcerns/reflux.html

When I did the "bath with your child" thing with my little refluxer, I laid down myself flat in the bath (head sticking up against the back) and just held him close to my chest (mostly above the water, his head up out of the water) then splashed some water over him.

to you and all you have tried. You are NOT being selfish for wanting to maintain your bfing relationship: EPing is hard!

[wannabe]

Not yet.

My daughter was on a nursing strike from 3 to six months. She's over two now and still nursing. loves it. she looks forward to the day she can give all the babies her milk.

[avedagrrl]

Have you considered a different daytime delivery method, such as a sippy cup or regular cup? Perhaps if she has something that feels so different from a bottle, she will be more interested in the breast again.

Also, I agree with PPs, if you are not wanting to give it up, don't. Can you take some time off work and just hang out with the babe for a week? I know that's often not possible so soon after maternity leave...

[happyfrog]

another thought - is it possible at all when you're home to consider walking around topless? this way, every time you pick up child, s/he's smelling your milk and access is there if s/he is interested. (couldn't remember gender of your baby, i apologize).

also definitely try the bath - it might help. . ..

((hugs)) as an EP'er for 14 months, I do understand the frustration of pumping. (I HATE HATE HATE to pump - I did it for him -each and every pump, I reminded myself why I was doing this hateful thing!) I wished and dreamed and tried EVERYTHING to get my first son to nurse. he was a severe refluxer (we found out at age 2 he has a disease called esophogeal eosinophils with severe furrowing). . . .

love,
bettyann

[MarcyC]

Whatever you decide, find peace with it. Know you are a great mom and doing what is best for your little one.

[Electra375]

I have had to say to myself what regrets will I have? Have I tried everything? And at what cost (not financial, so much as my time spent away from my other children staring at a pump and then more time to feed the bottle).

[lara1828]

Tylerin,

If I'm reading the tone of your post correctly, it seems like you are not ready to give up but are getting pressure from others to do so. Go with your heart. Your baby is still very young. Many things about the nursing relationship change over time as the baby gets older, so I think there is still hope for you.

I also want to take issue with the statement by your doctor that there is no difference nutritionally between EBM and milk from your breasts. I'm sorry I don't have a link (maybe someone else does??), but I know I read some research about this. BM, like any other type of milk, is living tissue and gets less "fresh" the longer it sits around. You have a pretty long window wiht BM, but I think your doctor is overstating the case. And of course breastfeeding is NOT just about nutrition. You know this, I won't belabor the point.

Also, I was going to point out that neither of my kids have ever taken milk from bottle from me. They easily go back and forth between breast (from me) and sippy cup (from anyone else). So I'm not sure I agree that it is inconsistent to withhold the bottle when you're around. Babies are adaptable.

Not all LC's are the same, so if you've only talked to one, try another!

Good luck to you!

Lara

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by avedagrrl

Have you considered a different daytime delivery method, such as a sippy cup or regular cup? Perhaps if she has something that feels so different from a bottle, she will be more interested in the breast again.

Also, I agree with PPs, if you are not wanting to give it up, don't. Can you take some time off work and just hang out with the babe for a week? I know that's often not possible so soon after maternity leave...

Ditto this. She is old enough to try a sippy- and it may encourage her to nurse for the comfort then.

[GooeyRN]

My baby refused to nurse from the begining, so I EP'd 18 months for her. If you stop bfing at night, you will still have to pump at night in order to maintain your supply. Thats just something to think about. Its not fun getting up to pump in the middle of the night. Atleast you still have that little bit of bonding. Can you try switching the bottles your care provider uses? Maybe try super slow flow bottles for newborns so your baby has to work hard for it, and hold the bottle upright so there is no dripping of milk. If the baby has to work super hard for the milk, maybe they wouldn't mind the breast so much. Also, did you try a nipple shield during the day? You can also try putting the bottle under your armpit to get them used to the nursing position during the day/eve. Good luck. I hope you can get your baby back to the breast during non work hours.

[tylerin]

Thanks Mamas!

Originally Posted by GooeyRN

Can you try switching the bottles your care provider uses? Maybe try super slow flow bottles for newborns so your baby has to work hard for it, and hold the bottle upright so there is no dripping of milk. If the baby has to work super hard for the milk, maybe they wouldn't mind the breast so much.

Thanks for this idea, I actually went and got some BreastFlow bottles a couple of days ago, which are supposed to be much closer to the breast and my DD has to latch better to get milk. I have been working to switch her over to them-- she is a stubborn little girl But, she did nurse from me directly after her bath tonight (I guess she liked it better than the BreastFlow bottles!?) Every little bit gives me more hope.

Thanks for your support mamas, keep the ideas coming! I think it definitely helped that she cut her first tooth this week and is now hopefully in a bit less pain when she sucks (?)

BTW- Wannabe, I'd love to hear details from you on your three month (!!!) nursing strike -- and I'm not the only one, from what I've found on the internet. I think there's probably a bunch of other mamas who could use some restored hope on a lengthy nursing strike, that some babies do go back after months. What got your baby back to the breast at six months?

May all your breastfeedings be wonderful,
Erin