I am really stressing out! (kinda long post)

[isra1986]

My husband and I have been having problems for a while and he decided today he doesn't want to move on with our life.

He basically made it out to be that I am the worst person ever and he is going back to Palestine (where he is from) forever. He told me he wants nothing to do with our baby and he doesn't beleive she is his (We tried to conceive for over a year before I got pregnant with her, and I would never cheat on my husband!)

He closed the store just to come home and to make sure I was packing my things (he told me to leave the house even though he knows I have no place to go). I spent the whole day just driving around in my car and crying because I have no place to go. He left to stay with one of his friends so I was able to come home at 11 p.m.

He tore up the sonogram pictures and told me when I was packing all my things to make sure I took all the baby stuff with me because he didn't want to see anything that reminded him of me or her.

I am honestly lost. I cannot afford all of my bills without his income too and I was planning on staying home with the baby after she was born. I never imagined I would be getting a divorce at age 21. I thought he was on my side forever. We have always done everything and always found a solution for any problem. I am really scared and confused. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[eilonwy]

I have no idea what to say, but couldn't read without offering some support.

[Dea]

Are your parents close? Can you stay with him for a couple days until he simmers down? Or stay with friends? Perhaps he just needs some time to sort his thoughts. Maybe he is overwhelmed with everything and can't process it.
I really hope it all works out well for you. I don't know your situation fully, but please be safe. If he has any tendencies to be physically aggressive, please be really careful.
Much love.

[chely7425]

Hey, not in your ddc but couldn't not post... we are in the same boat pretty much (which you knew since you responded to my post too...) but it will be ok, we will both be ok... if you ever want someone to talk to or commiserate with just pm me

[ScarletBegonias]

mama, i am so, so sorry you're in this situation. i have no advice really, but i CAN sympathize with you. it's devastating when the person you love accuses you of being the worst person in the world. just know that we're here for you.

[operamommy]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I am outraged and hurt on your behalf. Do you have any family or friends nearby to be a source of suppport for you? Please know that we're all here for you, even though we can't be there in person. *hugs*

Does your dh have a habit of "blowing up" like this? Or is this something out of the ordinary?

[isra1986]

My family is not supportive at all. My parents actually gave up their parental rights when I was 14. My dad and I have no relationship, but I am trying with my mom. DH is actually the one who pushed me to build a relationship with my parents.

We usually don't have huge arguments like this, if we argue it lasts maybe 1 or 2 hours.

[Greeneyes0506]

Are there any friends who could take you in? Where do you live, maybe a MDC Mom can help you or we could find something for you.

[nolonger]

Isra, PM me if you're in Northern California; I've got a houseful and my landlord would probably start eviction proceedings if he knew just how many people live here, but we can figure something out for a few days, anyway.

This is probably going to sound a bit cruel, but after what I've been through with my ex, I can't help but pointing out that it's better to be going through this now than a few years from now. My biggest problems with my teens have not been from lack of a positive male role model and financial/emotional support from a partner, but from the presence of a negative male role model who undermined and demeaned me and contributed to the breakdown of my family of origin and tore apart any respect my children ever had for me. It's been a wild year for us, and yes, the teens did ultimately come back, but there is a lack of trust and closeness that I may never be able to fix.

You and I are in the same boat as far as wanting to find some way to stay at home with our little ones in a world that gives us no other option than day care and mind-numbing minimum wage jobs (I have four of them and can barely even pay my own rent) but there are other ways to live! I'm reading Primal Mothering in a Modern World, by Hygeia Halfmoon in little five minute spurts several days apart and finding it very inspiring. The author is a single mama who lived a very untraditional life, but she was always there for her children.

I wish I had all the answers for you, but I don't, just my share of battle scars and regrets and hard lessons learned along the way.

Please let your unborn little girl be a source of comfort for you during these terrifying next few days; she may not be able to understand the circumstances, but she does understand that you are under a lot of stress and that you need her and she is able to interact with you and let you know how much she loves you and how much faith she has in you to get through this bump in the road and create a wonderful life for just the two of you.

As always, please disregard my post as a bunch of vitriol from a bitter old lady if you and dh have reconciled by the time you read it.

[Dea]

isra1986 I just spoke to my husband and we have an extra bedroom if you need it. I am in the Bay Area in California, near San Francisco. If you're not near here and are stranded pm me and I'll see what I can do for you from here.

[HairyArmpits]

Wow, a regular prince charming, huh?
Just wanted to second spider in that no male role model is better than a negative one, from my experience. You are a strong mama, and this will only make you stronger. I know none of this helps to hear it now, but thankfully you can sheild your babe from the loss right now... had he waited to abandon you, she would have felt it so much worse and possibly blamed herself.
Hugs mama, you both will get through this.

[flapjack]

Yep, totally with NOS. He is being a total and utter UAV and single parenting may be the hardest job in the world, but it's also the most rewarding. She put it a lot better than I can, though. HOWEVER...

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. Contact your local women's refuge and get the name of a good lawyer who deals with DV and get her (possibly him) to help you. Find a way of getting him out instead. You are pregnant, you are vulnerable, he is acting irrationally and is endangering you and I would be very surprised if there's no legislation in place over there to protect you. I'd also consider talking to your in-laws, depending on how conservative they are- they're in a position to protect you, if they chose to, but could also make life a whole lot worse.
As far as the future goes, I'd check out www.girlmom.com There's a lot of options available to you in the next year, including more studying, it really isn't the end of the world. You can do this.

[Teenytoona]

Oh, Isra, I'm so sorry.

I don't have any practical advice, but I think that NOS, HairyArmpits and flapjack really have some good points. We are here to support you and be your ears to listen when you need us...

[Justmee]

[LoveChild421]

I'm so sorry, I remember some of your other posts about what he has put you through recently and he was lucky that you stuck with him. If he is the type of man who will leave his pregnant wife with no where to go, he's no man at all and doesn't deserve you or his daughter.

[Nature]

I am so sorry you're dealing with this!

The above posters have some excellent advice, and I'm so happy to see some of them extending their homes to you. That really warms my heart.

I hope that you are able to find a place to stay.

[Carlito's_wife]

Totally agree with Flapjack. DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOUSE!!!!! It is your home too and he has no right to try and put you out. I know maybe you feel like going because some women feel like they would rather be homeless than live in a place they are not wanted but f**k that guy. He can go leave then. If you are on the lease he can do nothing and even if you aren't on the lease I am sure you have lived there for a while and recieve your mail there. You have every right to stay there and he has none to kick you out.

I know it is hard, but try not to focus on him or your relationship with him. He is obviously angry or confused right now and not capable of being rational. So don't waste your time on him at the moment because he will just make you feel worse. Deal with other things. Like you can't pay for the house, then start going out looking for resources. Social services or any programs out there that help pay bills temporarily for people who can't. You know if he decides to leave you stranded with all the bills because you refuse to leave not only should you start pulling resources but it is a good idea to contact some of the bill collectors and let them know there is a possability you will be late making a full payment. Try to keep as busy as you can.

Remember, it is always easier when you have a man in the house to help raise his child, but some times it is better not to have one. This is a good time to prove to yourself that you don't need him as well as proving it to him. He might be in control of his future but he is never in control of yours. As helpless as you feel right now you are not. He may not believe in you and your child but look at all the people who do. All the people who responded to your post and all the people offering good advice and help to you. It is a struggle at first when you have to get used to something like this but you can pull through it. You might have to restart from ground zero but once you build yourself back up as hard as it was you will love it because since it is something you built, no one can just take it away from you like he is trying to. You may have a long hard road ahead of you but own it mama. Know the path you are walking belongs to you. Give yourself and your baby something that no one can take away from you. Build your future with your own two hands and your heart. It may be the hardest thing you have to do so far in your life but it will also be the most rewarding.

Good luck!!!!

[SamuraiMom]

Isra, I am so sorry you have to deal with this right now, I am almost in the same situation, but I am the one that wants him to leave because of all the negativity and blame as well as other major issues, and we are way past counseling. But PP was right, you cannot leave that house, it is your home too, do not leave your home, do not get rid of or change anything. He has obligations to you and your baby, do you belong to a community that you could maybe lean on for support? He can't take off for Palistine that quickly, can he? I wish I had a clear solution for you

[SamuraiMom]

Ya know, My mom pointed out to me the other day that my DH starts acting out, kind of like a little kid, whenever I am pregnant...maybe the idea of caring for a child is freaking him out, and as your belly grows he becomes more panicked....

[steph117]

Isra, just offering another sympathetic ear... How unbelievably stressful this must feel for you - I am so glad you're getting support and even offers of places to stay from other mamas on MDC! I hope that the other mamas' good advice helps, and that things work out well for you...