Support outside of the "surviving abuse" forum - Page 5

[Writerbird]

Originally Posted by swampangel

Wow....thank you so much for sharing this. (And congratulations on your baby!).

How old were you when you overheard this conversation? I feel like my oldest ds is just too young to take on too much information (he's 4 1/2).

Thanks. We're psyched... and not even DARING to say anything that smacks of "Well, we'll never let OUR kid do X."

I was in fifth grade, so... ten or eleven? But it's my opinion that I was able to process what I heard because starting quite young (certainly before school started), my mother primed the pump. She was always saying, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, but good people try to do better each day and every day is a new day. So when I heard my dad saying essentially the same thing, but with his own horrific background as the "missing link," I was able to put two and two together.

Growing up is a process, and a long enough one that one bad week or even a bad summer doesn't ruin everything... I hope.

[swampangel]

What a wise mama you are, Writerbird! What a lucky little babe you have!

Your mother sounds wonderful, too. I love what she said to you...I think that's so true and so healthy for kids to hear. I think we often try to reach crazy ideals when we become parents, forgetting that we are simply human and that's all we need to be. What crazy people we would raise if we didn't make mistakes!

Thanks for sharing this...it helps me a lot.

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by Devaskyla

Luckily my mother doesn't live really near- by, but she calls me every single night. It's driving me completely insane.

I have the opposite problem. My mother expects ME to call. At least once a week, on any special occasion in her life (we're 500+ miles away, so i have no idea how she expects me to know when these are), and whenever she's having a bad day.

So of course, I call once a week and whenever I have something special to say, and it's never enough.

Oh, and the best part? I forgot to call one week, called a couple days later, and got the "I haven't heard from you in forEVER" and "I don't ask for much" speeches. :

Oh, AND she NEVER calls me. If I forget to call, she will wait for over a month for me to call. She'll never pick up the phone herself. She forgot my FIRST wedding anniversary, never called me. I called her on hers, and she b****ed about the fact that I didn't call earlier on in the afternoon. :

C'est la vie, I guess. I have the mother of "nothing is ever good enough." :

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Writerbird

She was always saying, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, but good people try to do better each day and every day is a new day. .

This is so nice. I am going to try saying this about dh, though he is normally very patient. It's amazing how much better he is doing than his dad. I'm actually a little jealous sometimes!

[Mama_2_Boy]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

I..Oh, AND she NEVER calls me. If I forget to call, she will wait for over a month for me to call. She'll never pick up the phone herself. She forgot my FIRST wedding anniversary, never called me. I called her on hers, and she b****ed about the fact that I didn't call earlier on in the afternoon. :

C'est la vie, I guess. I have the mother of "nothing is ever good enough." :

I can relate to this from past experiences I've had with my own mum..the "nobody loves me" trying to guilt trip sentence. I have had good success with calling her out on these statements. My mum tends to have a bit of a personality disorder, so nothing is 100% successful but I find that the only way for me personally to keep my sanity with her is to constantly lay down boundaries.

[Momma_Camille]

How's everyone doing?

We had a rough night a couple nights ago. But I did pretty good.

We had a lunch/party her for DH's sister's daughter & someone gave my DD grape pop. This is mostly horridly bad because she's allergic to red dye. Sigh.

She woke up at 11 PM after fitfully sleeping for about an hour & screamed for 2 straight hours - in night terror fashion. It was so awful.

But I was very calm for about 1:45 minutes. lol Then I finally decided I would set her in her room for a minute. So I took her from our family bed & set her on the one in her room. I hate to do that but I could feel the anger (although totally unjustified - it was NOT her fault!) welling up, kwim?

As luck would have it, she woke up all the way just moments later & stopped screaming. We talked for a little bit & then she wanted to get back in bed & went right to sleep.

I hate red dye.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by Momma_Camille

I hate red dye.

:

[Pookietooth]

Me, too. I get too rough with ds sometimes -- I have hit him a couple of times and grabbed his arm several times. I have yelled at him way too many times to count. I grew up with an angry dad who slowly drank himself to death. My mom was emotionally absent and was depressed, and often spaced out and just plain didn't support me. I learned about sex from books and from the teachers at my UU church, who brought in porn. Oh, and once from my dad when I was probably three or four, when he gave me and my two older brothers (who were six and eight years older than me) a quick mechanics talk after we took our bath.
I struggle with depression, too, and am not really happy in my marriage.

[Momma_Camille]

[mamabear&babybear]

Originally Posted by Momma_Camille

I hate red dye.

: and most other artificial colors and flavors as well. We've had a few rough days lately. I've noticed the I lose control a lot the week after AF ends. I'm wondering if hormones are playing a role in that. I'm not sure what to do if they are. Anyway things are getting better now.

I can also relate to the "nobody loves me" guilt trip. My mom once told me that she would have killed herself if it weren't for my brother and me. She has in the past few years improved but is still depressed quite often.

[Momma_Camille]

My mom told me she wanted to kill herself today. It might be wrong but I actually laughed at her. If I sympathize it'll go on for hours.

I know she won't because it goes so completely against her beliefs. I just told her she was being over dramatic. It's an awfully permanent solution to her temporary problem. Sigh. Her mood swings fast enough she won't be talking like that tomorrow though.

Aye, Aye, Aye.

Been a good day here today though!

[my3peanuts]

I've appreciated this thread.

I too don't know if I really fit here. I'm not sure if I would go as far as to say my mom abused me growing up. Verbally maybe. Physically? Not sure.

My mom was an angry person and she yelled a lot. Growing up you weren't allowed to have an opinion that differed from hers and if you did you got in trouble. As younger kids that meant a spanking & as we got older it was usually just being yelled at or grounded. One memory that sticks out very vividly in my mind was when I was 13. My mom & I were arguing and I think I said I hated her and she smacked me hard in the mouth. I had braces and I remember my gums were bleeding & she felt bad but yet never apologized. Her way of showing you she felt badly was to buy you something. I don't ever remember her apologizing for anything.

I don't remember hearing her say I love you or being hugged or kissed. I remember a few hugs, times when I was leaving town for a few days or something like that.

My mom frequently told me I talked to much, that I was a brat, that I was spoiled, that she liked my sister more than me, etc. She always did it semi-jokingly but I always believed her.

She never respected my privacy. Even at 18 she'd never knock before coming into my room & more than once I'd found out she'd read my journals.

I'm 26 years old and she still does things to hurt me. I don't know why she does it but I truly believe she does it intentionally. An example is... My son has a seizure disorder. We brought him to the Mayo clinic a couple months ago to try to find the cause of the seizures. He has other issues including GI issues, low tone, delays, etc... The GI really thought we should have a scope done. Talk was also made of a muscle biopsy and spinal tap. When I called to tell my mom she started telling me how "she'd never let them do all of that to a little baby" and how maybe I just don't feed him enough. She was angry but I didn't know how angry until I talked to my grandma who told me my mom had told her that I was just young and didn't know what I was doing and that my nephew had low tone and my sister didn't have to make a big deal about it by taking him for a second opinion(although the low tone wasn't the reason we got the 2nd opinion at all) and she said a lot of things about me that made me feel like I was just blowing everything out of proportion and nothing drastic was wrong with our son and I shouldn't be letting them do all of these invasive things. She made it seem like I wanted them done, somehow for my own benefit, and that I was stupid.

That was 2 months ago and I still think about it every time I talk to her. She frequently makes me feel like I'm not making the right decisions and I honestly believe that part of it is that she feels guilty for not making some better decisions at my age and it must make her feel better to think I'm obviously making wrong decisions in her mind as well.

Anyway, this is all affecting the way I parent. I've stopped spanking for the most part although I did spank my 4 year old the other day after many, many months of having not. My problem is the yelling though. I yell too much and my 4 year old has picked up on it a lot and yells frequently to her sister and I can see her own rage. It's scary and it scares me. I don't want to be MY mom. I want to do better than that. I want my kids to FEEL loved. The other day I'd had a very long day with my 4 year old dd and I ended up shopping later that evening and bought her a necklace. It was my way of saying, "I'm sorry for yelling at you so much. I love you. Accept this necklace as my way of saying I'm sorry." And ya know, that's exactly what my mom would do. Her way of showing us love was to buy us things. I don't want that. I want my dd to know I love her no matter what. Not only to feel it through material possessions.

I don't spend enough time with my kids. I don't play with them. I don't read to them. I feel like I'm a good mom, but definitely not as good as I could be, or should be. I don't neglect them in an abusive way but I'm not there for them like I could be.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

My son has a seizure disorder. We brought him to the Mayo clinic a couple months ago to try to find the cause of the seizures. He has other issues including GI issues, low tone, delays, etc... The GI really thought we should have a scope done. Talk was also made of a muscle biopsy and spinal tap. When I called to tell my mom she started telling me how "she'd never let them do all of that to a little baby" and how maybe I just don't feed him enough. She was angry but I didn't know how angry until I talked to my grandma who told me my mom had told her that I was just young and didn't know what I was doing and that my nephew had low tone and my sister didn't have to make a big deal about it by taking him for a second opinion(although the low tone wasn't the reason we got the 2nd opinion at all) and she said a lot of things about me that made me feel like I was just blowing everything out of proportion and nothing drastic was wrong with our son and I shouldn't be letting them do all of these invasive things. She made it seem like I wanted them done, somehow for my own benefit, and that I was stupid.

Do you think she's genuinely worried about him, and this is her way of coping with it? Maybe she feels better if she can minimize YOUR concerns and dismiss you as incompetent, because then she won't have to face the fear of having a grandson with health problems. I also thought it was interesting that your grandma passed on all of what your mom said about you. What kind of mother was your grandmother?

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

I don't spend enough time with my kids. I don't play with them. I don't read to them. I feel like I'm a good mom, but definitely not as good as I could be, or should be. I don't neglect them in an abusive way but I'm not there for them like I could be.

None of us are perfect. It sounds to me like you're doing great!

[my3peanuts]

Originally Posted by natensarah

Do you think she's genuinely worried about him, and this is her way of coping with it? Maybe she feels better if she can minimize YOUR concerns and dismiss you as incompetent, because then she won't have to face the fear of having a grandson with health problems. I also thought it was interesting that your grandma passed on all of what your mom said about you. What kind of mother was your grandmother?



None of us are perfect. It sounds to me like you're doing great!

Yeah, I thought the same thing about my grandmother. Almost as if she wanted me to be upset with my mom because it made her look better since she kept saying, "Well I support you". I wonder sometimes what she really thinks about it all also.

I do think part of it is that my mom is worried about him & doesn't know how else to deal with it.

[swampangel]

my3peanuts, it's so hard to process it all, isn't it? you're dealing with your own childhood through being a mother and seeing your childhood reflected in your children. i'm going through this same process and it is agonizing at times. i think when you're feeling down on yourself, that's the best time to treat yourself like a queen...take a hot bubble bath with a great book or magazine, go for a walk, get together with a friend, etc.

i don't remember to do this enough, but when my cup is empty it's really time to spend time on me...then i'm a better mother and partner and all the rest.

you're not alone and processing the past is painful. but everyday you have a new opportunity to do it differently with your kids and to take care of yourself and the wounds you've been carrying around.

[mamabear&babybear]

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

I want to do better than that. I want my kids to FEEL loved. The other day I'd had a very long day with my 4 year old dd and I ended up shopping later that evening and bought her a necklace. It was my way of saying, "I'm sorry for yelling at you so much. I love you. Accept this necklace as my way of saying I'm sorry." And ya know, that's exactly what my mom would do. Her way of showing us love was to buy us things. I don't want that. I want my dd to know I love her no matter what. Not only to feel it through material possessions.

I don't spend enough time with my kids. I don't play with them. I don't read to them. I feel like I'm a good mom, but definitely not as good as I could be, or should be. I don't neglect them in an abusive way but I'm not there for them like I could be.

This really resonated with me. My parents tried to buy my love as well. When really what I needed most was a hug or two. I feel like I don't spend enough time with my kids as well. It's something I'm constantly working on. As well as giving them hugs when I'm angry but they are hurting. Right now, it's like trying to move a mountian. Anyway, thanks for posting. I hope you were able to get help for you son. That must be hard to go through.

[Mama_2_Boy]

Originally Posted by my3peanuts
I want to do better than that. I want my kids to FEEL loved. The other day I'd had a very long day with my 4 year old dd and I ended up shopping later that evening and bought her a necklace. It was my way of saying, "I'm sorry for yelling at you so much. I love you. Accept this necklace as my way of saying I'm sorry." And ya know, that's exactly what my mom would do. Her way of showing us love was to buy us things. I don't want that. I want my dd to know I love her no matter what. Not only to feel it through material possessions.

I don't spend enough time with my kids. I don't play with them. I don't read to them. I feel like I'm a good mom, but definitely not as good as I could be, or should be. I don't neglect them in an abusive way but I'm not there for them like I could be.

This is how I've been feeling lately, and it makes me so sad. DH and I have had some things to tackle in the house the last 3 days and we were both going at it non-stop. This left my little guy to fend for himself. He does enjoy playing alone but he gets tired of it and comes hunting for us and if we don't pay attention to him, he acts out of sorts. He went through my cosmetics and dumped everything on the carpet, then he proceeded to rub it in with his hands :. I know this is normal behaviour but I didn't handle the situation to well. Then, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel guilty and it lingers for days and I obsess about it. I too want me child to feel love and to know that he is okay and that he has us there for him always. I am also PMS'ing right now which isin't helping things, I get very tense very easily and then I hate myself afterwards :

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

I've appreciated this thread.
I don't want to be MY mom. I want to do better than that.

Well, from my own experience, I would say awareness is a great first step. We all need help and support if we don't want to "be our parents", though. Otherwise, I do believe we will tend to act toward our children the same way in which we were brought up. It's really hard not to - those patterns are so deep.

I really support you getting whatever help you need, in whatever form, to feel more at ease about your past, and more confident in how you parent your son. From your post, it sounds like your heart is in the right place, and is guiding you in the direction you need to go!

[dflanag2]

Thanks for all your stories and insights, I have been reading this thread in its entirety over the past couple weeks.

I think I, too, fall into the 'not-really-seriously-abused' category, but 'traumatic childhood' would apply. A lot of what you all are saying really resonates with me...

My childhood:
-depressed mom, unhappy with marriage, and unhappy staying home full-time
-dad unhappy, and raised in very dysfunctional household, grandma is a piece of work
-no one really said "I love you" or hugged
-No real hitting, occasionally spanking, both parents did the arm grab and the nasty tone of voice. Severe verbal abuse to my brother, who wet the bed.
-divorce at age 12, then I was emotional support for my dad, and did the whole torn between 2 parents. Grew up fast.
-no one taught me appropriate ways to express or cope with anger, in fact I was taught that I wasn't ALLOWED to be angry.

Now:
-I have a sense of Anger Entitlement, as in, "I am angry and I need to be acknowledged NOW." Major trigger for me if someone is blowing off my feelings, even if they are three years old.
-Other triggers include hunger, fatigue, infliction of physical pain (if I get hit my reaction is to hit back, THAT took some controlling), interference when I am in perfectionist mode.
-Emotional confrontation is difficult, because when I am really hurting I am scared that I will be rejected, because that is what would happen when I was a kid. So I withdraw and hope someone (dh) will notice, and no one (dh)does, then I get depressed. (Although, I am thinking now that it has been quite a while since I did that dance. This is good!)
-regularly fighting depression, don't take meds, but try to do a lot of self-care.

Coping strategies:
-Tell my kids/DH I love them all the time, try to say nice things about them, express appreciation.
-Lots of hugging, stroking, cuddling
-try to have fun and laugh, do the playful parenting
-consciously make eye contact w/kids when things are good. (Hmmm... need to do that more w/DH) It was wierd, no one in my family really made eye contact growing up. I am uncomfortable with a lot of eye contact in personal relationships.
-apologize when I get angry and talk about what I did that wasn't right and what I will try to do next time instead, and how we should all try every day to be nice and gentle with one another, but everyone makes mistakes and needs to practice
-accept what has happened and try not to beat self up about it, this is difficult since I ruminate about everything.

Today's moments:
-I let the kids make a mess with packing peanuts (okay, by the time I decided to let them play with them, it was already a mess, and I chose to let it go and clean it up later.) When (a while) later I said it was time to clean up, I asked DS (3) to help, and he kept playing in a way that made more mess. It escalated to yelling, then I took him up to his room. (I was saving this for only when I am losing control, accidentally discovered that it helps him cool off, then he comes back and) apologizes voluntarily. he then helped clean up and enjoyed doing it. (trigger: interference)
-I yelled when he was grabbing at stuff while I was trying to make lunch. (trigger: hungry even though I did not feel physically hungry at all, I notice I lose it A LOT before lunchtime and dinnertime--also because I am trying to cook)
-More yelling when trying to get ready to go out in afternoon. Tell DS I am ready to help put on shoes, he won't come over. I get up to change baby's diaper/do other things to get ready, he whines b/c I am not helping him put on shoes. Baby (14 mos)protests and fights diaper change, which is a large messy BM, DS is whining and I am going out of my mind. (trigger: everyone being difficult at the same time: I am not a multitasker. Also tired and the whining kills me. One time we were driving in the car, and DS was whining that he wanted to go home and get a toy despite having 4 other toys in the car. He said, "Turn around and go hoooome..." over and over. I coped by counting how many times he said it: thirty)

Only three times today, and no complete loss of control. A decent day.

-dflanag2

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by dflanag2

I coped by counting how many times he said it: thirty)

Love that!