How Do You Feel About All The Infertility Threads

[Starr]

In the past few days there have been a number of threads and polls that center around infertility and surrogacy. I am just wondering on if you respond and steer away from it. I was suprised by a number of peoples responses as found some to be quite inconsiderate as someone going through infertility. Just wondering if I am alone or how you felt after reading them.

Mods I really hope this is allowed. I am not trying to stop or distract from the other threads but am wondering how we as a group feel about discussions and assumptions about infertile people.

[kristenok18]

I have completely steered clear of them. I can't even open them. Well, I lied...I opened one, and it just about killed me to hear people talking so cavalierly about it. I'm sure it's a combination of our 3+yr struggle with IF and our recent m/c, but I find them totally insensitive to the pain that those struggling with IF feel.

Thanks for this thread. Seeing those polls has been very upsetting to me, and it's nice to have a place to talk about it.

Please don't remove this thread, mods, it's important for us to express our pain about this subject!!!!

[fenwickmama]

[Starr]

I admit I opened a few I was expecting more yes or no answers and not "I think its morally wrong to try any advanced methods of conceiving" and " It goes against my ethics but if I were to get paid I may". I think so many people just assume things about infertile couples and never put themselves in the position of hypothetically if they were infertile, make sense?

[whateverdidiwants]

I think it's hard for people who have never dealt with fertitlity issues to really understand how much it impacts your life. I mean, even having a poll choice of "No, I wouldn't/can't because of health/fertility issues" would've been a little acknowledgment.


I've peeked at the threads and voted on the polls, but a lot of the responses turned me off from participating in the discussion.

[mamastotwo]

I can get all worked up about how little empathy some people seem to have for people who have fertility issues. These are usually the "I get pregnant by sharing a bathroom with my husband!" Types. :

It's kind of a joke that people who would probably describe themselves as open-minded and compassionate can come off as so judgemental about this topic. I have actually been surprised a couple of times by who in my life has been supportive and who hasn't.

[ashesofyou]

DH and I are taking a break right now. Because of this, I think I'm a little more sensitive to the subject of infertility.

And yes.
People are rude.
Inconsiderate.
Selfish.
Mean even.

Even the most adorable people, from perfect strangers that I can tell have good underlying intentions, to those individuals I have known for a decade and have seen me struggle for so long.

Each and every single person who has the slightest idea that we have had problems getting pregnant has said at least one thing that has just cut me to the bone. And you can see from the look in their eyes, the tone of their voices, that they know they are wrong for what they just said.

I wonder sometimes, if people think that as long as an infertile person is "in pain" over their situation, they are not contagious. They are afraid they may somehow get the same problem themselves if they are too close or too understanding.

This is one reason we're TAB. It's a much needed breather. BUT... what good is taking a break if I can't stop obsessing about it.

Mean Mean Mean People.

:

I think I need therapy!

[kristenok18]

okay, I'm an sucker for punishment. I just looked at a few of the threads. All I have to say is:









It's amazing that people have such strong opinions about something they have NO experience with and likely won't have any experience with. How do they know what they'd do when faced with all-encompassing debilitating pain that IS infertility? No one knows what they will do until they get there. No one.

[Starr]

I know

I especially like "I am morally against or disagree with fertility treatments, surrogacy and so on. BUT... I guess its still better than adopting"

Reading posts similar to this is like a punch in the stomach. I mean do people not realize other people will be reading these statements? How do you even respond to that? I guess for me its a question of people wondering if these are just wrong and if that carries over into how they think and view me.

[ashesofyou]

Originally Posted by Starr

I know

I especially like "I am morally against or disagree with fertility treatments, surrogacy and so on. BUT... I guess its still better than adopting"

Reading posts similar to this is like a punch in the stomach. I mean do people not realize other people will be reading these statements? How do you even respond to that? I guess for me its a question of people wondering if these are just wrong and if that carries over into how they think and view me.

Bolding is mine....

And I agree, that one punches me in the gut as well. I am an adoptee, and very very proud of how my parents built their family, and proud of the hard choices my biological mom made to place me into my family's arms. I see your daughter came to you much the same way. And I agree with your signature. No better, No worse, Just different.

I can understand the want of a pregnancy, birth, and biological child. I really can, I'm in that situation now. I am not yet ready to adopt, that process is a whole different ball game of putting your heart on your sleeve to get things done.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is... each one of us has our own "enough" point. Many of us will be faced with fertility options that we will refuse either for lack of money to fund, religious reasons, personal morals, fear, running out of time, etc, etc.

It is wrong to impose those personal limits on another person. What gives us the right to make someone else feel inferior by saying out loud that their choice, their circumstance is wrong?

How do you know if the shoe will fit if you have never had to put it on?
And how do you know HOW you would walk your mile in them, if you are ever forced to wear them?

[klink2]

I've been spotty about my visits to MDC lately, so I'm not sure where these threads are. At the risk of being :, I have to admit that I don't get angry when people say "insensitive" things about infertility. (I've been TTC for 13 months, 4 with ART, btw.) One of my main parenting coping skills is to "assume positive intent" (Becky Bailey, I think?) I do this with grown-ups too. I believe that people really do mean well when they tell me "you just need to relax and it will happen." It is so not true, but that person has positive intent when they say that. I honestly don't interact with anyone "mean" in my life. I think many people are misinformed about infertility, but I don't think they're malicious or even insensitive--they just don't know what it's like. Those of us who do know what it's like need to help educate people, but in a way that is not confrontational so they are relaxed with an open, compassionate mind. So, now I'm going to try to find the threads and put in my two cents..

Edited to add: I realized, reading back, that it seems I am trying to disregard or argue with the comments of the pps. I am sorry if it seemed that way. I really do empathize with your pain and reactions to people. I just think it is important to try to frame things from a different perspective--then maybe it won't hurt so much.

[AdinaL]

Hi ladies.

I am going to close this thread because it does violate the User Agreement in the manner in which is discusses other thread. I will remove it this evening, after everyone has had a chance to read this.

If you wish to start a new thread regarding people's perceptions of infertility, that would be fine, just steer clear of discussing other threads and other members.

Please PM me if you have any questions.