Ex dh is divorcing again. DD losing stepmom.. Its Monday!! Party time! - Page 2

[Breathless Wonder]

What a wonderful update!!!

[sunflowers]

I've got my fingers and toes crossed for you!

Are you expecting that she start school in your district before the end of the week?

Keep us updated!

[Nature]

Originally Posted by sunflowers

I've got my fingers and toes crossed for you!

Are you expecting that she start school in your district before the end of the week?

Keep us updated!

We're both hoping so, yes. His work situation is crazy and that means she'll be bouncing around. He agreed to get her grandmother to watch her at HIS house while he's working so she doesn't have to sleep everywhere last night, tonight, until she's here.

I'm going to the school in about an hour to see how to go about doing this. Wish me luck! Hopefully its a quick and painless transfer. I mean, if we had moved here .. they wouldn't want to keep her out of school that long yanno? So there has to be a quick way to do it.

hopefully.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I'm so glad things are working out for you and your dd. This sounds like a MUCH better situation for her.

[KellMcK]

What a great outcome! I've been lurking, and keeping my fingers crossed for you.

It stinks that it took years to get to this point with your ex, but I hope that the good will between you both continues. I hope that the transition goes smoothly and that you all enjoy the new arrangement.

Best wishes to you all!

[Momtwice]

I'm happy for the outcome. Be sure to continue documenting everything. I hope dh's good will toward you continues. Hope that it does, but make plans in case it does not would be my advice.

[Nature]

Like I expected, when I called my ex today he tried to change his mind. He said why don't we wait a few months? A few weeks? Can we slow down? Can we not do this right now? Give him time.. he needs to think.. he needs to make sure he's doing this for the right reasons .. that this is a good idea... etc etc.. "My ex is out of the picture now! I talked to her and she won't see dd anymore. Dd doesn't want to see her. She's pissed, but she's out.. so.. we don't have to do this anymore.. she can stay here.. I'll call work and change my schedule.. I'll.. I'll find a babysitter.. I'll..."

He asked if I had a problem with not going through with this right now. I said, "Actually I do. I've already transferred all her school paperwork. I told you I was going this morning to do it, and thats what I did. Her teacher also called me because dd told her that she was moving to my house and her teacher wants to throw her a goodbye party. We talked for about a half hour and she's very supportive of this. She feels dd will do great. I'm only waiting on a call from the bus company in our town to see what time it picks up.. other than that... its all done."

Oh.

Well uh... can we wait until next week? Can she finish this week off?

"Yes. Yes she can. Do you want to call her school and let them know what her last day will be?"

No. Since you already talked to her teacher.. you can go ahead and do that..

But.. what happens a year from now if I want her back?

"If she is unhappy here, and wants to be back with you... and your situation is stable for her.. she can go back with you! I have no desire to keep her where she doesn't want to be. And likewise I hope if a year from now she's happy where she is... you will respect her decision if its to stay here. She's old enough now. I think its important we both listen to her."

I asked him, since I usually have her on weekends..does he want her this weekend since I'll have her during the week.

No.. I'm working. Just have her for the weekend too.

....

I got his address for the paperwork because I left that off since I didn't know it. I asked for his insurance information to add that too. I let him know he was on the pick up list. I asked if he had anyone else from his family he wanted me to add to the list... he said no.

I asked if he wanted me to make sure the school put in two folders for paperwork to go home every week. He said no. He barely reads it anyway and its just a hassle for him. Okay.. what about report cards? Do you want me to have the school mail one to you? Do you want your own copy?

No.. just show it to me. I don't keep them anyway.. I just look at them..

He said to come down to his house on Sunday so we can help bring back some of her stuff to our house, her clothes and things.

I told him I'd call both schools and let them know her last day would be this Friday and she'd start here on Monday. He said okay. I told him, "If I call them and tell them Friday.. I don't want you calling me back and changing your mind again. Because we can't keep going back and forth after we agree you know? I mean, what am I supposed to tell dd? Even though we both talked to her and agreed... now you've changed your mind? We can't do that to her. She's already excited about this change, don't confuse her more. "

He said he wouldn't and Friday was fine.

But he sighed a lot in the conversation. He said he had no family support that agreed with him. (they all hate me) I told him I know it was hard for him, and sudden.. but it really is best. And I want him to be able to SEE her on his days off instead of what it is now. I honestly want him to be able to call me up and say HEY! I have the day off.. can I pick her up after school?? But I have a feeling that without a regular schedule on his part.. he won't be able to be regular with dd.. and because he's not regular.. he won't make it priority. Which is kinda sad really. I want them to have more time together than they do now. I want to help that.

I guess he talked to someone who he thought would be neutral and they weren't. They totally told him he was doing the wrong thing. He also talked to his stb ex and let her know she was out of the picture as far as our daughter goes. Our daughter does not want to see her. stbex was pissed at him he said. So I'm guessing she probably said a lot of things to him about her coming to live with me.. most likely like.. "Oh, I see.. now that I'm not there to take care of YOUR daughter and do all the work.. you just ship her back to her mothers! What a man you are! What?? Can't find a way to screw around with other women while you're a single dad??!" or something like that. Because he was second guessing his motivation for this change and not feeling like he was doing it for the right reasons. He said he felt selfish. I assured him that while it might have perks for him, I think its best for dd too. I have no idea if the conversation with his ex went anything like that... but I know my ex, and most likely it did. All it takes is one person to say the opposite of what he feels.. and he doubts himself.

I told you all... give him 24 hours and he can totally change.

I'm really hoping that this is a done deal, but until she gets on the bus Monday morning... I won't feel at ease.

It took me all day at the school filling out paperwork. My hand is still cramped up.. it was pretty easy. No one even asked to see my custody papers at all. But it still took a lot of time out of my day to do.. and my anxiety level is sky high.

Please keep us in your thoughts! 6 days is a LOoooooooong time for my ex to sit and think about this.

[shayinme]

I rarely am in the section but as a Mama with a child who lives his Dad, I had been following your situation. Hoping things will work out without too much more chaos.

It really sounds like your dd needs to be with you right now and hopefully your ex will get that through his head, its not about you two its about your child. Sounds like he is cut from the same cloth as my ex who recently moved back to the midwest because his lady friend was tired of New England. In our case the ex refused to listen to our son who is almost 16 was uprooted to frickin WI in his sophmore year of HS :. When ds turns 16 though in Feb if he wants to come back here to me his Dad said he will let him come but like you I see drama.



Shay

[Nature]

Shay I know its been hard for you without your son. You are the only other mama I've ever known in a situation like mine.. I was so glad when you shared your own story with me before as the "non custodial" mom. Because so many people think things that aren't true when they find that out. The mother not having the child?! Unheard of!! You must have done something wrong!! : I really hope that your son gets to decide for himself soon where he wants to be. He's far old enough to help in those decisions.

I was really hoping this would be a smooth transition for my dd. I am hoping and praying that he just lets it go right now. She needs this.. and obviously I can handle this. (Hey, I managed to register her for school and transfer her records and contact all the parties involved on my own! I've never done this before and I did okay. I think I can do this.)

Its my hope that my ex won't contact me at all this week. Her school thing has already been done, a last day given, etc. I emailed her teacher a little while ago to let her know about her last day so they can give her a little goodbye party.

After all of that, how can he really back out now? The school knows the reason for the transfer. Her teacher asked me, and I told her. He's going through a divorce, dd was staying with different people every night because the nature of his job is odd hours all the time and she didn't have a stable caregiver over there since the step mother moved out. If he tries to reverse this... everyone at the school is going to know the situation and wonder about dd's stability with him... it might not put him in a very good spot legally if they decide to pursue that. I mean, sleeping on other peoples couches 5 nights a week isn't any life for a 9 year old and I doubt that the state would feel it is either. And then when they find out that I was trying to give her stability and he wouldn't let me... Mmm.. I don't see that going well for him. I really don't.

It seemed when I told him I'd already done all the paperwork and the change was in progress, he gave up on resisting against it. I just hope he keeps that mindset for the coming few days..

Thank you all who are lurking and reading, and giving me positive vibes in all of this.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

: for you that all goes well this week.

[sphinxie]

It is already done! I understand that you won't relax and completely believe it until she's on the bus... but really, it is already done. It's basically too late for him to back out, and as you say, if by some remote chance he did try to it would work in your favor in the long run. Even though it's stressful, in the long run this is a win-win situation for you and your DD... and it is most likely to work out the least stressful way.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by sphinxie

It is already done! I understand that you won't relax and completely believe it until she's on the bus... but really, it is already done. It's basically too late for him to back out, and as you say, if by some remote chance he did try to it would work in your favor in the long run. Even though it's stressful, in the long run this is a win-win situation for you and your DD... and it is most likely to work out the least stressful way.

Thank you for that positive post! I really really needed to hear that. Its amazing the stress this is just hoping and wondering...

I'm going to share something totally personal right now..(mods please don't move this to mental health. )

My mother never lived with me when I was a child. She left me with my grandmother when I was a few months old and never came back. She popped in and out of my life but never for long.

When I was 7 years old she called once and told me she was moving home. We were going to be a family. I was going to have a mother! I was so happy and excited. I dreamed of baking cookies and having talks. I daydreamed about those bonding moments I'd only heard about.

I cleaned out the spare bedroom and cleaned it until it sparkled. I put on new sheets, and put flowers in a vase by the bed. I worked so hard on that room making it perfect for her. A week went by and she didn't show up. Finally she called.
She had no recollection of every having that conversation with me because she was drunk. She never had plans to live with me at all..

I was crushed and heartbroken. That was the day I turned into someone who wants the glass to be half full.. but never forgets it might really be half empty. Someone who waits with one eye open for the other shoe to drop.

I feel like I'm 7 years old again. Wanting something so much.. and preparing.. and waiting for it to be yanked away from me. Waiting for the change of heart. The words taken back that were never meant. Dreams crushed.

I suppose its silly to really feel that way. The situation is totally different. And yet.. the feeling is the same for me.

So thank you for the positive confidence. I really need to hear that to help me get that through my head.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Nature

But.. what happens a year from now if I want her back?

"If she is unhappy here, and wants to be back with you... and your situation is stable for her.. she can go back with you! I have no desire to keep her where she doesn't want to be. And likewise I hope if a year from now she's happy where she is... you will respect her decision if its to stay here. She's old enough now. I think its important we both listen to her."

Just be aware that LEGALLY, she is NOT old enough to make that decision and a court will NOT base it's decision on her wishes.

[Flower of Bliss]

Originally Posted by Nature

I was crushed and heartbroken. That was the day I turned into someone who wants the glass to be half full.. but never forgets it might really be half empty. Someone who waits with one eye open for the other shoe to drop.

I feel like I'm 7 years old again. Wanting something so much.. and preparing.. and waiting for it to be yanked away from me. Waiting for the change of heart. The words taken back that were never meant. Dreams crushed.

I'm so sorry that your mother made you feel that way. :

I wish you the very best with your DD. Reading through the post I was so happy to see that DD is moving back to your house. I can't wait to hear that she is home.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Just be aware that LEGALLY, she is NOT old enough to make that decision and a court will NOT base it's decision on her wishes.

This is not correct in all cases. Just because the court states that a child has to be a certain age to be heard does not mean that most judges won't listen to children who are younger. A 9 year old will be heard in court if it came down to that.

[sophiekat]

mama
sending many positive transition vibes to you both!

[flapjack]

I feel really sorry for him, to be honest. He's made the right decision and he knows it, but can you imagine going from a full family home and a full family life, to an empty shell in the space of a few weeks? (Oh, wait, you can. He took your daughter.) It's hard. Have pity on him.
BUT don't keep doing what's right for your daughter.

[mmace]

BUT don't keep doing what's right for your daughter.

I hope you mean don't *stop* doing what's right for your daughter....

Nature, I know how hard that conversation with your ex was, but it really does sound like it's all going to happen. I do agree with flapjack, I feel sorry for all he is losing right now, but I do agree that this is what is best for your little one.

Big hugs to you!

[Nature]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Just be aware that LEGALLY, she is NOT old enough to make that decision and a court will NOT base it's decision on her wishes.

Yes I realize that she is not legally old enough to decide on her own where to live. However, she is older than she was 5 years ago and even though she was VERY vocal then. No one listens to a 4 year old at all. This time, I think they might if it came to that.

My telling him that she is old enough now was actually telling him his own words that he said to her the other night. He said to her, "I need to make sure this is what you want. Its not about me, its not about mama. Its about YOU. This is your time and your chance. You're old enough now, this is your choice."


And in 24 hours he was trying to take all that back. I was reminding him of why he made that decision in the first place.

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

I'm so sorry that your mother made you feel that way. :

I wish you the very best with your DD. Reading through the post I was so happy to see that DD is moving back to your house. I can't wait to hear that she is home.

Thank you!!

Originally Posted by cycle

This is not correct in all cases. Just because the court states that a child has to be a certain age to be heard does not mean that most judges won't listen to children who are younger. A 9 year old will be heard in court if it came down to that.

Yes. Hopefully. Though I really really don't want to go that route. I so hope this is resolved peacefully between us. We've had enough conflict in 5 years. I don't want more right now.

Originally Posted by sophiekat

mama
sending many positive transition vibes to you both!

Thank you!!

Originally Posted by flapjack

I feel really sorry for him, to be honest. He's made the right decision and he knows it, but can you imagine going from a full family home and a full family life, to an empty shell in the space of a few weeks? (Oh, wait, you can. He took your daughter.) It's hard. Have pity on him.
BUT don't keep doing what's right for your daughter.

On one hand I do feel badly that he going through a divorce, but I don't really feel bad he's losing his full home.. because he never really had it. Our daughter was always being babysat even when he had days off. The situation has been a pretty crappy one for quite awhile. However, he always used his stb ex as the stability. Without her, its gone. Totally. He never saw our daughter. Maybe once a week. He's a night shift supervisor and works a lot of long hours. He's awake while she's in school, and sleeping by the time she comes home. Then he goes to work at night while she's in bed.. only she's been needing to sleep at everyone elses house the past few weeks because the stb ex moved out. Stb ex also had a job that was long inconsistent hours. They both loved overtime. So even with the step there.. she was still not being taken care of by one of them most of the time.

So, he maybe had one night after school that he saw our daughter. And sometimes his day off was during the weekend, and he'd call me and ask to have her that day so he can see her. Even though it totally wasn't fair to me to lose my time, I gave it to him .. because I really knew that she wanted to see her dad too and she wasn't getting to. She always complained she hadn't seen him. She'd leave on Sunday.. come back the next Friday and in that whole span sometimes she hadn't seen him at all. None.

Thats not supposed to be how it is in your home with a parent. I realize he works and thats how it is... but then.. this arrangement would be better for her. I will be home every day for her, and he can have her on those days off that are all over the place. That way, she can have consistency with her home life at least.

His wife was really the one that did all the "stuff" for dd. He didn't. She scheduled. She signed homework stuff. She went shopping. For the past 6 months, according to him she's been cold to dd. Not interested in doing anything but fullfilling obligation. No happiness there.

So.. really what he's going to lose is the family admiration. The ability for them to tell everyone, "MY son has his daughter at home. He won custody and has her" etc.. Its a huge pride thing for him and his family. They're like that about everything.

Originally Posted by mmace

I hope you mean don't *stop* doing what's right for your daughter....

Nature, I know how hard that conversation with your ex was, but it really does sound like it's all going to happen. I do agree with flapjack, I feel sorry for all he is losing right now, but I do agree that this is what is best for your little one.

Big hugs to you!

Thank you for positive thoughts! Every night that goes by that he doesn't call I'm considering it a good one. If I can just make it until Friday I think I'll be okay...

I really wish when life was hard for me, he had done what I'm doing instead of what he did. Making this decision together, peacefully, and listening to our daughter... instead of slapping him with a court order. I'm hoping he sees this for what it is. An attempt to help our dd, and an acknowledgment that what he's going through is difficult and I do feel for him. Which is why I'm going about it this way as opposed to the other way. The other way would only mean a lot of money out of his pocket for a lawyer, and time off work, and horrible stress for our daughter and him. None of which I want to do.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by cycle

This is not correct in all cases. Just because the court states that a child has to be a certain age to be heard does not mean that most judges won't listen to children who are younger. A 9 year old will be heard in court if it came down to that.

The likelihood of a judge giving any serious weight to a 9yo's wishes is slim to none.

Personally speaking, that either parent would even consider putting a child through telling a judge which of them s/he would rather live with is pretty abysmal parenting. Sorry.