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Ex dh is divorcing again. DD losing stepmom.. Its Monday!! Party time! - Page 3

post #41 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
The likelihood of a judge giving any serious weight to a 9yo's wishes is slim to none.

Personally speaking, that either parent would even consider putting a child through telling a judge which of them s/he would rather live with is pretty abysmal parenting. Sorry.
Judges will and do take the feelings and wishes of younger kids into consideration. They would never put any child on the stand or through anything, thats not how its handled in family court. The would likely have a therapist have conversations with the child in a non-threatening way.

I don't think anyone, including the OP talked about putting their children through anything court related.
post #42 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
Judges will and do take the feelings and wishes of younger kids into consideration.
Based on my experience, you are wrong.
post #43 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
Based on my experience, you are wrong.
based on MY experience, the courts WILL (at least around here) listen to young children. This is excatly what happen when Dh's drugged up/alcohalic ex Gf was fighting for custody. The girls had lived with her but did not want to. And they told the court that and had their talks with therapist included in that hearing. They were about the same age as the OP's is now when this happened


My best friend is a CPS worker for my county and she has quite a few cases with similar outcomes.
post #44 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by yoyo65 View Post
based on MY experience, the courts WILL (at least around here) listen to young children. This is excatly what happen when Dh's drugged up/alcohalic ex Gf was fighting for custody. The girls had lived with her but did not want to. And they told the court that and had their talks with therapist included in that hearing. They were about the same age as the OP's is now when this happened


My best friend is a CPS worker for my county and she has quite a few cases with similar outcomes.
This is what I have seen as well.
post #45 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
Judges will and do take the feelings and wishes of younger kids into consideration. They would never put any child on the stand or through anything, thats not how its handled in family court. The would likely have a therapist have conversations with the child in a non-threatening way.

I don't think anyone, including the OP talked about putting their children through anything court related.
Believe me, that is the very last thing I'd ever want to do. Court is traumatizing to everyone involved, and I can't imagine how devastating it would be for my daughter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger
Personally speaking, that either parent would even consider putting a child through telling a judge which of them s/he would rather live with is pretty abysmal parenting. Sorry.
This isn't a thread about how I want my daughter to live with me and not my ex husband, so I'm taking her away from him. If taking her to keep her out of an unstable home situation is part of abysmal parenting.. well then I'm guilty I guess.

I want my daughter safe, stable and happy. She was happy with her father before his situation changed so dramatically. However she was/is not safe or stable there because of it. If I didn't stand up and try to correct that, what kind of parent would I be?

I can't help but see that you've been very negative in this thread mtiger. Is there some reason why?
post #46 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature View Post
Believe me, that is the very last thing I'd ever want to do. Court is traumatizing to everyone involved, and I can't imagine how devastating it would be for my daughter.



This isn't a thread about how I want my daughter to live with me and not my ex husband, so I'm taking her away from him. If taking her to keep her out of an unstable home situation is part of abysmal parenting.. well then I'm guilty I guess.

I want my daughter safe, stable and happy. She was happy with her father before his situation changed so dramatically. However she was/is not safe or stable there because of it. If I didn't stand up and try to correct that, what kind of parent would I be?

I can't help but see that you've been very negative in this thread mtiger. Is there some reason why?
Nature, I can absolutely see that you are trying to do what is best for your daughter and FTR I think you are doing the right thing. Your daugther needs consistency and stability, being shuffled around nightly is difficult for an adult, imagine what its like for a child. Your daughter expects and is entitled to have her parents do what is best for her, that is what you are doing. To me it doesn't sound at all like you are trying to take her away from her father, IMO he should be thankful that you are there. Was it this Monday (yesterday) or next Monday that she will be moving back with you? I will be happy an relieved for both of you when she is settled in and starts at her new school.

As for the negative tone, look at some old posts, its typical.
post #47 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature View Post
Believe me, that is the very last thing I'd ever want to do. Court is traumatizing to everyone involved, and I can't imagine how devastating it would be for my daughter.



This isn't a thread about how I want my daughter to live with me and not my ex husband, so I'm taking her away from him. If taking her to keep her out of an unstable home situation is part of abysmal parenting.. well then I'm guilty I guess.

I want my daughter safe, stable and happy. She was happy with her father before his situation changed so dramatically. However she was/is not safe or stable there because of it. If I didn't stand up and try to correct that, what kind of parent would I be?

I can't help but see that you've been very negative in this thread mtiger. Is there some reason why?
Some of your earlier posts made it sound as though you anticipated bringing your daughter to speak with the judge. You've clarified that that is not your intent. While it may seem I'm being negative, in reality I'm just trying to point out that it is very rare for judges to give much weight to the wishes of young children.
post #48 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
Some of your earlier posts made it sound as though you anticipated bringing your daughter to speak with the judge. You've clarified that that is not your intent. While it may seem I'm being negative, in reality I'm just trying to point out that it is very rare for judges to give much weight to the wishes of young children.
My earlier posts stated that because of the circumstances, now would be a good opportunity to go back to court, yes. And that is still true. However, if you would have read all my posts you'll see that I do NOT want to go back to court for many reasons.

Court would be totally horrible for my daughter to go through because she genuinely does love her father and loved living with me. Alternatively she has always wanted to live with me as well. She feels torn. I would never want to sit her in front of us and say "Choose!"

Taking my ex to court also doesn't feel right to me. I really really do feel badly for him, losing his wife that he thought was forever. I feel for him because I know him, and I know his family. They will condemn him forever for this. He was finally getting in their good graces after his "mess up" with me. And it only repeats for him. It has to suck. Its my hope that he grows some sort of backbone in the years to come and really truelly separate from his parents instead of trying to live solely to please them. To admit failure of a second marriage.. for him.. is huge. Losing his daughter to me during the week is hard for his ego, but it would be worse if a judge forced him to do it instead of him willingly knowing its the right thing to do.

You'd have to know me to understand I guess.. but slapping him with papers and dragging him to court is just NOT ME. No matter whats he's done to me in the past, or how he's treated me, I have always tried very hard to maintain my dignity and to take the higher road. Its not always fun, but its what I need to do. Its the right thing to do. And I'm going to try as hard as I can to get my daughter out of this unsafe and unstable situation the nice way because court... its just not nice all around.

If court becomes necessary, then I'll deal with it. However, it wouldn't be based on what my daughter wants at this time anyway. It would be based on whats safest and most stable for her.

And I'm not sure what state you live in. (I didn't look) But around here the judges do listen to the children. Not always 4 year olds like she was.. (though they have heard children that young too) but 9 year olds? Yes. All the time in fact. If the children want to live with mom and mom is an abusive alcoholic and dad is more stable... well then no. I don't think the judge will let the kids have what they want just because they want it. However, they do listen and take into consideration when appropriate. I've looked up a lot about the laws regarding custody in my state, and talked with my lawyer about it. For this state, its a reality to have judges listen.

... now. I need some coffee.
post #49 of 84
Thread Starter 
Today is Wednesday. I'm halfway to Friday.

:
post #50 of 84
Hump day!
post #51 of 84
Thread Starter 
He told me the other day that he's awake until 4pm and then he sleeps.. then gets up for work around midnight.

Which means... no phone call from him today during his awake hours! I'm getting closer....

No call yesterday, no call today..

If he was seriously going to try to stop this.. wouldn't sooner be better than later? I mean, her last day at his school is Friday. My school will be waiting for her to arrive in class Monday morning.
post #52 of 84
Thinking of you and your DD today.
post #53 of 84
Thread Starter 
My daughter is here... and....































She's staying here!!
:

She told me that he kept asking her all week, "Are you sure you want to do this?" and she kept telling him "yes!" She had a great last day at her school, and they gave her a going away party and signed a big book with phone numbers and goodbye messages for her.

Tonight we went through her school bag and took out papers to save in her special box, and figured out which things to keep in her bag, like her empty folders etc. We put some change in there too in case there is any kind of hitch with her free lunch during the first week.

She did voice to me that she was happy about this change, but also a little sad too. Which I completely understand. I'm hoping she will get used to things as some time goes on. I'm confident she will.

There is only one thing I'm sad about tonight. I asked her if her father mentioned when he was going to see her, or if he said he planned on calling or anything. And she said he hadn't said anything about it. And she got a little quiet when she told me.. I know this is hard on her, this big change.. but man.. you'd think he'd want to be there to ease her pain just a bit. You know? Let her know that he'd call on his next day off, or that he'll come see her soon. Something!

Honestly... the less he's involved.. the better it is for me. But this isn't about me, and its hard to watch her hurt. I hope that he'll be able to come around and still be a good father to her even if he has to extend himself a bit.

Soo... Sunday we're going to his house to pack up some of her school clothes and things and bringing them back here. My dd had no idea that he tried to change his mind about it, so he hadn't voiced anything beyond asking if she was sure. And, he stuck to his word and didn't allow the stbx step mom watch her this past week. My dd doesn't want to see her at all she said, and he's honoring that.

This is really happening isn't it?!

Oh wow this has been a long week... Thank you everyone for your positive thoughts!!
post #54 of 84
Me, too!

Is she with you yet? Hoping everything goes as planned! :
post #55 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature View Post
My daughter is here... and....































She's staying here!!
:

She told me that he kept asking her all week, "Are you sure you want to do this?" and she kept telling him "yes!" She had a great last day at her school, and they gave her a going away party and signed a big book with phone numbers and goodbye messages for her.

Tonight we went through her school bag and took out papers to save in her special box, and figured out which things to keep in her bag, like her empty folders etc. We put some change in there too in case there is any kind of hitch with her free lunch during the first week.

She did voice to me that she was happy about this change, but also a little sad too. Which I completely understand. I'm hoping she will get used to things as some time goes on. I'm confident she will.

There is only one thing I'm sad about tonight. I asked her if her father mentioned when he was going to see her, or if he said he planned on calling or anything. And she said he hadn't said anything about it. And she got a little quiet when she told me.. I know this is hard on her, this big change.. but man.. you'd think he'd want to be there to ease her pain just a bit. You know? Let her know that he'd call on his next day off, or that he'll come see her soon. Something!

Honestly... the less he's involved.. the better it is for me. But this isn't about me, and its hard to watch her hurt. I hope that he'll be able to come around and still be a good father to her even if he has to extend himself a bit.

Soo... Sunday we're going to his house to pack up some of her school clothes and things and bringing them back here. My dd had no idea that he tried to change his mind about it, so he hadn't voiced anything beyond asking if she was sure. And, he stuck to his word and didn't allow the stbx step mom watch her this past week. My dd doesn't want to see her at all she said, and he's honoring that.

This is really happening isn't it?!

Oh wow this has been a long week... Thank you everyone for your positive thoughts!!
hugs mamma!

I hope things go as smoothly as possible. I'm sure your ex is having a hard time seeing past his own hurt, but it's sad that he can't be there for her. Glad she's got you.

ETA-now he's probably got a bit more empathy for what he put you through in the past, don't you think?
post #56 of 84
Sorry, cross-post!

I'm so happy for you!
post #57 of 84
Thankyou, world.
post #58 of 84
Oh Nature!! I am so happy for you and your daughter! I hope all goes great next week at school!
post #59 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
hugs mamma!

I hope things go as smoothly as possible. I'm sure your ex is having a hard time seeing past his own hurt, but it's sad that he can't be there for her. Glad she's got you.

ETA-now he's probably got a bit more empathy for what he put you through in the past, don't you think?
I think he might. Hopefully, he appreciates just a little bit.. how nice I've been to him over the years despite what he did.

I'm hoping he'll come around in time and really want to spend time. I think he might have taken it for granted. I mean, she lived there. Yet he didn't really see her. But to others, it looked like he must see her all the time.. so his bases were covered as far as appearances. Now he has to make an effort at it.

Dd told me that on his day off this past week, they went to see a movie together. Just the two of them. She said he's never done that with just her, and added.. "I think you were right..maybe he really will spend time with me now Mom."

I have hope.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
Sorry, cross-post!

I'm so happy for you!
Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack View Post
Thankyou, world.
You know.. I said the same thing today.. I can't count how many times I glanced up and said thank you. My dd was the last missing piece for so long. Its kinda been like... well, its okay.. and I'm used to it now..but not how I really wish it were. (I mean, who grows up wishing for that? Someday I'm going to have children.. but only be a mom on the weekends... I don't know about you, but.. that was never MY dream! )

Quote:
Originally Posted by adtake View Post
Oh Nature!! I am so happy for you and your daughter! I hope all goes great next week at school!
Thank you! As we were going through her backpack tonight, and she was asking me if I could buy her a particular food for snack at school this week.. I realized.. it is happening.

For fun, I went back and re-read some old posts of mine... and I can't believe how much hurt there was.. How did I ever contain that to myself and not let it affect my daughter?! And how quickly things in life change..

I am still in awe.

My dd said this morning that there is an added bonus to this that she forgot about. She will most likely be able to be there for the birth of this baby like she wanted to be. Before, she would have certainly been with her father at the time.. and he would not have been accommodating for that. Now, she might get to witness her first sibling birth.
post #60 of 84
Wow--sometimes these things really DO have happy endings!
I've been reading along and when I first read this I had red flags in my head for the husband's soon to be ex. But I guess she really will stay out of the way--yes? I mean, she isn't related to the child in any way, so she can't step back in somehow, can she? I would just hate to see your famiy, OP, get blindsided by some freaky back door thing.
I am so glad for you...and how sweet to hear that your dd will be there for the birth of the new baby.
I really think you have had your dd's best interests at heart--and it looks like the universe worked in your favor due to the positive energy you've been putting out there.
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