Warning...kinda morbid thoughts here!

[maureen73]

I wasn't going to post this but my DH refuses to even consider the idea so I need to vent my feelings somehow. My c/s is on Thursday and I am terrified that I will not make it to be here for my children. Both my mom and grandmother died in childbirth of uterine rupture, DIC, hemorraghe and finally a stroke 7 hours later. I only know that my maternal grandmother died from "bleeding to death" after my mom but my specialists and I are assuming that both died from the inherited blood clotting disorder that I was diagnosed with. In 2004 at 11 weeks pregnant, I had a missed m/c and went to the hospital for a routine d&c. I woke up and found out that I had hemorraghed severely because my uterus was not contracting and I was seconds away from a hysterectomy and minutes away from dying when finally the OB was able to manually stop the bleeding. I was told never to have children but I went and researched my multiple miscarriages and finally found a high risk specialist and perinatologist who diagnosed me with Thrombophillia, protein s deficiency and anticardiolipid factor. Basically my condition is opposite, on the one hand I form blood clots as antibodies that attack foreign invaders (read baby) and on the other hand I don't clot when needed. Strange huh? Well, that's the background. When I had Adam, I wasn't as scared but the moment I became a mother everything changed. I remember so clearly when I was having Hannah that I broke down like an emotinal wreck and couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was so greedy for wanting more children. I was trying to stay positive but now that the day is in sight, those same fears are eating away at me. The Dr.'s have been very reassuring that they will immediately do a hysterectomy if needed to stop any bleeding (having a tubal anyways) and that they will have all precautions in place. I just can't imagine not being able to be with my children. I remember how it felt to not have ever known my mom and feeling guilty as though it were my fault she died. Adam is 2 1/2 and Hannah is one year on Wednesday and as much as they are mamma's kids I know that they wouldn't remember me or how much I love them. I was thinking of writing a letter to give to my husband to hold onto just in case something happens he can give it to them. I could vent all night but the reality is I'm so scared......

[smudge]

I hear you. I have similar fears. That is why I am having this baby at a large teaching hospital where every specialist under the sun is just a pager away.
It is a scary thing. However, your docs know what they are dealing with, they will probably have a whole team of people on stand-by in case of a situation. You just need to try and think positive thoughts of getting through this. A letter to your babies may just be the kind of thing you need to help you get your mind together. Sometimes it helps to get your thoughts and feelings down in printed form.
Many hugs to you, at this time.

[aylaanne]

I think writing letters to your children is a wonderful idea, and may give you peace of mind. It's absolutely normal to feel the way you do, your situation is incredibly unique and, dare I say it, risky, and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be afraid at this point. I don't know what your spirituality is like, but I personally find that prayer helps me to let go of the outcome in situations like this (though none I've been in have been so dramatic).

Good luck and I'll be thinking of you on Thursday.

[kleines]

I just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you Thursday! It sounds like you will be cared for by some great doctors, have faith in their skills.

[Hippiemommie]

It's hard being a Mama and thinking of possibly leaving them behind. I understand your feelings and I know you will do great! again

[jennay]

I felt so terrified thinking about the same thing last week before my c/s. I ended up writing a brief note to my boys on the way to the hospital. I wanted to do even more but couldn't quite pull myself together to do so. If if makes you feel better I would write the letter.

What time are you scheduled for on Thursday? I would like to pray for you/send warm thought at that time.

[candyapplez]

I would also write a letter. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Banana731]

i think you are dealing with a legitimate fear in a very healthy way, and i am sorry your dh isn't more supportive of the need you have to talk about it(though i'm sure he's just dealing in his own way with his concern.) I think writing a letter to your children is a wonderful thing. You will be in my thoughts this Thursday. Blessings to you.

[mittendrin]

[mamabearsoblessed]

Mama. You will be in my prayers on thursday.

[Dena]

Given your experiences, I think your fear is totally normal.

I have had similar issues with my dh over my own pg/delivery fears - I guess a lot of men just don't handle fear well. Also, your dh could be dealing with fears of his own, and just not wanting to talk about them because he thinks it would make it worse for you.

I would definitely write a letter to your kids. If dh won't take it, you could just leave it someplace he would find it later. At least that would give you some peace of mind.

I will be praying and sending positive thoughts for you on Thursday, and looking forward to seeing a beautiful birth story!

[Brisen]

Oh my, what a lot you have to think and worry about! I agree with the other posters, your fear is normal, but it sounds like you have some great medical support and things will be just fine.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, too.

[jrayn]

I'm sorry you are going through all of these emotions when it should be such a happy time in your life!!!!!!