Almost 8 year old finding everything "unfair"

[HomeBirthMommy]

This is making me crazy. Dd will be 8 in a few weeks and I'm quite sure she must already have a good bit of hormones surging through her. She has turned into the most negative, unpleasant person I know. It breaks my heart to see her act this way.
Her big things now are "it's not fair" and "my friends get to/don't have to". ARGH! It's making me :. Yesterday I asked her if she had done her homework and she starts yelling, "My friends don't have to do their homework. They're not treated like babies. They can watch TV whenever they want. My friends can have Coke. My friends don't have have to share rooms with their sisters." It just goes on and on. She actually told me she was moving to Los Angeles or Orlando because she wouldn't be treated like a baby there.
I'm not sure where this is coming from. Whenever I try and talk to her during a calm moment, she just starts in again about everything her friends get to do that she doesn't. : She tells me that ALL of her friends get to watch as much TV as they want. Well, I know her friends and their parents and I'm pretty sure that's not the case, maybe just something they're saying at school. I don't want to tell her that her friends may not be completely honest about it b/c I don't want her going back and saying they're liars or anything like that. This is so frustrating. :
Any advice? Sympathy? Commiseration?

[mazajo]

It's the age, my DSD is almost 9 and she's been just like this for a whole year. She wants to move to China.

We've tried reasoning with her to no avail. Someone suggested to us that we have her write down a list of things that she thinks is unfair, and go over the list and write down a response to each of her complaints, to avoid getting into arguments. I thought it sounded like a good idea, but DSD refused- said it was stupid and babyish. It is almost as if she really just wants to argue with us, and it's a no win situation.

Now whenever she gets going about what all her friends can do that she can't, we just remind her that every family is different and as parents we have to make decisions that feel right to us and drop the subject.

I'm really hoping it's just a phase that will pass soon. Good luck!

[allgirls]

I feel sorry for you.

I don't know if you can make it stop. Listen with an empathetic ear.

I get a lot of this.

Stick to your guns. Review the rules with her and let her know why they are in place. Maybe you can negotiate an extra half hour of tv or an occasional coke on a special occasion.

Kids are very black and white. Their friend drinks a coke after school and they "always get to drink coke whenever they want"

At this age they like to brag about what their parents allow them to do in an almost competitive fashion. My oldest dd did this and would just fall apart when I called her on it. She's almost 17 now and over it. Our stuff is as good as anyone elses now but for a while everything we did was wrong and everybody elses parents were better/cooler/more lenient.

I made sure to get to know the parents and what I found was that they were more lenient in some areas but more strict in others. We were all just different.

I wasn't into being popular so it really didn't do anything but it was tough to listen to it for so long.

If I can recommend one book it's "Hold on to your Kids" by Neufield. It's the best read I have found for what kids are like today and how to deal with that.

Good luck.

[Nature]

Its totally the age.
My 9 year old has been doing this for a little over a year now. I can do nothing in this house at all without it being "unfair" somehow. It used to make me feel sad like I was doing something wrong to make her that unhappy, until I remembered that I used to feel that way when I was 9. The littlest thing would hurt my feelings. I'm able to just sympathize, "I'm sorry you feel that way dd." and then let it go.

[CarrieMF]

My almsot 9yo when through that phase too.

She was moving to Grandma's alot, I told her okay go get your suitcase. Other times she was moving out on her own so I'd ask her how she was going to pay for food, a place to live, get a job, etc. That stuff ended pretty quickly.

Her 1 friend(lives next door) got to stay home by herself, eat whatever she wanted, go to bed whenever she wanted, etc, etc, etc. I would ask her what her other friends(who I know don't get to do that stuff as sadly in this girls case it was true) did for this & that. Then she'd see that some of them had stricter rules than we did. I did get fed up with the comparing to the next door neighbor so I became a bad parent & told Tirza that we have these rules because we care/love her. So she asked if K's parents love her. I told her I'm sure they do but that letting her run around like that, eat whatever she wanted, stay home was not safe, legal or healthy at her age.

I would also point out things that she got to do that her friends didn't get to do.

Eventually it stopped & I doubt it actually had anything to do with what anything we said.

[HomeBirthMommy]

Well, I'm not sure if I'm glad to know it's the age or not.

I told her yesterday that if she brought me a signed note from the parents of every kid in her class saying they're allowed to stay up all night watching TV them I might reconsider.

Thanks for the input.

[mommy68]

Just wait until she's a preteen. Not fun.

[karne]

We've been in this "age" for almost a year now as well. At one point DH and I said "Did someone tell you everythng in life would be fair?". This was in a moment of exhasperation, but it stoppped the whining!

[lindberg99]

I think it's coming from her friends. Kids brag so I'm sure there are kids at school saying that they can drink coke whenever they want, watch as much TV as they want, etc, even if they don't. Or maybe they do. My former neighbor's 7 yo DD was bragging how she got to ride in the front seat of the car, didn't have to wear a seat belt, got to watch TV all she wanted, even until she fell asleep at night. I didn't believe her but I found out it was all true after seeing her mom drive around with her in the front seat with no seat belt and having her mom tell me she lets her watch TV at night until she falls asleep.

But these aren't things that I'm going to do. So when my kids complain about it, I just say that "Different families have different rules. Those are her rules, these are ours."

Personally, I would get used to it because I can see this going on for a l-o-n-g time! Pretty soon it will be that so and so has her own cell phone or iPod or whatever the new $$$ gadget is. Then it will be dating, cars, boyfriends sleeping over, etc., etc, etc.!

[momof2boys1girl]

my oldest still does this sometimes.
I just explain that "your friend has different rules and if there mommy lets them have coke then that is up to her but, we dont have soda in the house because it is full of sugar and is not healthy to drink it all the time"

Or when I am really tired of hearing "its not fair" I say "life is not always fair and we dont get everything we want"

I agree that I think the friends have a big impact on what our children try to do.They want to be like there friends and think they have to, to fit in. It will always be something. Someone always has something better it is just part of life. My oldest is starting to realize it but still has his days.

[chicagomom]

I have an almost 8 yo too and I can tell you it's not just coming from peers.

This morning he asked "How come adults have all the power? Teachers always force kids to do stuff."

This is the age where adults stop seeing kid-like behavior as cute and start coming down much harder on them. For boys, this is when they start getting dianosed ADHD because they haven't yet learned to sit quietly with their hands folded. They feel like there are so many rules, and so much more of their time is being taken up with homework and stuff they don't want to be forced to do. I think their sense of powerlessness is just magnified by the rising expectations.

[Kindermama]

my sympathies....so far I haven't heard those specific complaints since we homeschool and my dd's friends' parents are on the same wavelength, so to speak...but!....she often says so and so is not fair...like no ice cream everynight!

I read an article recently about 9 year olds....close enough!
Here is the link:

http://www.informedfamilylife.org/20..._year_old.html

It helps to understand where they are in the "incarnating" process aka soul journey.

try not to get into a power struggle. Just hold the boundary for her and don't say much at all....just listen! Sometimes just an ear to listen is all they really want! and a hug too!

[HomeBirthMommy]

Originally Posted by chicagomom

This is the age where adults stop seeing kid-like behavior as cute and start coming down much harder on them. For boys, this is when they start getting dianosed ADHD because they haven't yet learned to sit quietly with their hands folded. They feel like there are so many rules, and so much more of their time is being taken up with homework and stuff they don't want to be forced to do. I think their sense of powerlessness is just magnified by the rising expectations.

Wow-great observation. That makes a LOT of sense.

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by chicagomom

This morning he asked "How come adults have all the power? Teachers always force kids to do stuff."

This is the age where adults stop seeing kid-like behavior as cute and start coming down much harder on them. For boys, this is when they start getting dianosed ADHD because they haven't yet learned to sit quietly with their hands folded. They feel like there are so many rules, and so much more of their time is being taken up with homework and stuff they don't want to be forced to do. I think their sense of powerlessness is just magnified by the rising expectations.

hmm...yes! My daughter has been saying lately "Why do parents get to tell their kids what to do?" then she'll ask "Did your parents do the same thing to you?"

Maybe I am hearing this more than I realize! What a great age....so many changes! I need to be more observant

Now I'm remembering my daughter telling me she was going to move to my parents house.....I'm not one to tell her "go get your bags"...instead I said, we would miss you if you weren't here with us.

[pjabslenz]

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