How do I get my four year old to stop shooting us with his hand? - Page 2

[emmalala]

Piglet, I am really relieved to hear that there is more to it than the brief summary of the method. That really shocked me!!

But I still think it would be better to help the child get to where he can talk about it. I can see it would be really easy to just "disarm" the child and leave it at that, and then the child has been manipulated and not given any greater understanding of the feelings that brought the whole thing up. I really hate to see adults powertrip on kids, we are already powerful enough and need to use the power so carefully...

The feelings are so real and at 4yo, just having someone around who can use words to help identify all that swirling emotional stuff, is a big help. Because I get angry myself and am still learning ways to handle it, I think about this a lot. I feel I owe it to my kids to take them seriously and give them what help I can.

This is probably pretty incoherent and I want you to know I am not talking against what's been said by other moms

[Piglet68]

ITA, emmaline!

I got out the book to see what he said. For one thing, the "love gun" routine helps to establish a connection. It sets up an environment that says "you're safe to feel the way you feel". Instead of being punished or criticized for trying to express himself, he's engaged in play. The shooting stuff is a way of trying to establish a connection, but the child doesn't understand that it just annoys the adults and pushes them away. He gets the attention he wants, but it's negative attention. This then makes him feel disconnected and having to deal with his feelings alone.

The "love gun" game relaxed the child by allowing him to disseminate his energy with laughter, emotional energy that's positive, and a better mood. THEN you and the child can talk about what's bothering him. It's all about establishing a connection with the child, using play and fun as the catalyst. If the connection isn't there first, you can talk until you are blue in the face and not get very far.

The author stresses that the "love gun" approach is for aggressive play issues. He says the parents should be on the lookout for situations where the shooting stuff is in direct response to a situation (like the child was just told off for taking his baby sister's toy away, for example, and now he's trying to shoot you), in which case it would not be appropriate to use the "love gun" game. He says it's very important to see the reaction to the "love gun": if the child appears to be humiliated by it, the game must stop. He also said it's especially true for girls, who are often taught that it is not okay for them to express anger.

He gives alot of pointers about how to tell which situation you are in, and lists various responses the child might make and how to deal with that.

[emmalala]

Thank you Piglet, for looking it up and giving me the full story!! But I have to admit I'm not emmaline - just a long-time lurker who occasionally rustles the bushes...

One thing I did notice with our 4yo is after he got through that whole shooty thing, he suddenly became very open and affectionate, verbally and physically, in ways he had not been for quite a while.

[Piglet68]

Ooops!

Not only did I double post, but I got your name wrong...sorry!!

[imakebelieve]

My son also likes to shoot things with his laser. At one point it was a "gun", but we just kept saying guns are not allowed in our home. WE don't play that way in our family. Then one day, he play shot me. I said "What did you just do?" (dumb question), and he made up something and basically lied about it. I decided that I would rather him play pretend guns than lie to me. So, I told him that if he wanted to play that way, it was better than lying to me. I focused on the lying and decided that I would rather him be honest and he obviously didn't feel he could be honest with me. I also told him that if he played that way with me, I was leaving the room because I don't like guns and I feel uncomfortable when he plays that way.

I think he had a short lived fascination with guns. No matter how hard we try, he still sees it. I guess if we didn't watch any TV. He clearly knows how we feel about it and has started to say these things to other kids he sees playing with guns. I posted some time ago how he went up to a mom in the dollar store and told her how she shouldn't buy her child that toy gun. He suggested some art supplies would be a much better choice. She was visably PO'ed by being repremanded by a 4 year old. Too funny.

I guess my suggestion would be not to make a big deal about it. Ds also did it when he wanted our attention. He got into saying really gross and morbid things for a while. "I wish you were dead mommy." He would then say "did you hear me?" I focused on what was making him angry and ignored the actual words. I did tell him that those words hurt my feelings.

Kind of on the same topic:
I was a new LLL leader hosting my first meeting. There were all of these new mommies holding their sweet little newborns. A toddler was drinking water from a sippy cup and the other 4 year old said "She's drinking blood" (in a very sinister voice) and my darling answered "she's gonna die". Very uncomfortable moment. All of these moms looked at us like we were the worst moms on earth. We talked aftewards about how morbid things our 4 year olds were saying and decided that it was just a phase or something.

I guess my point is that I think kids try on different things to see how they fit. When they don't mesh with their "family values" (did I just use that phrase?), then they discard them. If you make it clear how you feel, then you have done your job.