How to handle constant lying?

[Satori]

My 7 yr old is driving me nuts, she is lying about dang near everything! Its literally one lie after another all day long and when I confront her on it she often tries telling another lie. I know this is common at 4-5 but she's never done this and I'm at a loss on what to do. Like tonight she called me while she was in the shower so I go and see what she needs and I find that not only is my favorite vase in the bathroom hiding between the sink and the toilet its also broken. I asked her 1) why is it in the bathroom and 2) why is it broken? I don't remember her answer at this point but I do remember she lied on both counts. I told her I was disappointed in that she chose to disobey me becasue I clearly remember telling her to leave the vase alone and she chose to sneak away with it while I was making dinner and then she broke it and then she chose to repeatedly lie about it and that she needed to think about her answer and we would discuss it when she got out of the shower. Its just lies all day long and its getting frustrating this constant lying, we ended up in the ER last week when she lied about taking medication! This isn't just petty stuff she's lying about, its everything and it started about 2 weeks ago. Advice on how to handle it please?

fwiw, I do call her on it every time and tell her its not acceptable but its not sinking in..

[MamaOutThere]

My 7 year-old when through that, too. Right when she turned 7.

It wasn't easy. I know. It's pretty much over now. The other day she tried to blame a broken radio on her little sister (and then the nanny), but then admitted to breaking it. It's scary to admit stuff sometimes. She didn't get in trouble for lying the first time. I told her I knew she was lying when she said she didn't want me to talk to the nanny about it. I think it's enough that they know you're on to them.

I tried to ignore small stuff. Bigger things I let her know I knew she was lying -- but in a non-shaming way. And sometimes I got pissed and lectured her.

Hindsight is 20/20. If I could know then, for sure, that it was a phase I would be as non-shaming as possible.

[bdavis337]

Truthfully............when my 6 yo's lying got so out of hand that I couldn't trust him to play outside safely without my supervision or to be left alone in one part of the house, I restricted his privilegs and have been slowly returning them as he proves to me he's trustworthy.

[rharr!]

It is possible you are setting her up to defend herself.

If you know the answers to the questions, don't ask them. If you are angry, try not to be confrotational.

I know the vase example is just one of many in your lives, but it is a situation imo that would be better handled differently.
How do you know she was lying?

[LilyGrace]

Well, simply put, if you lie, you might get away with it.

I don't ask. I state the facts. "I found my vase in the bathroom, broken." I don't care why it was there, personally, because I already have an idea (it was being hidden because it was broken). That doesn't matter any more. It isn't going to help to dwell on it and the shame in the child is already evident. What matters right now is there is a broken vase. "I was really sad when I found it. I loved this vase." A statement of how someone's actions affected me. Then the ball goes into the child's court - "You broke the vase, I need you to come up with some ways to make this right again." No 'didn't you?' or any other questions. It's a fact followed by ways to redeem him/herself.

This usually tends to open the conversation more since they don't feel the added stress of "what can I do to get out of trouble now?' and more focus is just on fixing the problem.

[momof2boys1girl]

my dd has been going thru this for about a year now and she just turned 8.I try to remind her that she will get in less trouble for telling the truth then lying.
We just went thru it this morning. I asked if she brushed her teeth and she said yes. I knew she did not but she kept insisting she had. I went to the bathroom and her tooth brush was dry. So I told her that she needed to stop lying I knew she had not brushed her teeth and she needed to be honest. That I would be upset w her lying to me but not upset if she was honest and said no I have not brushed them yet. Then she admited she had not and went and brushed them.


several months ago something broke.(dont remember what) no one would admit who did it so I sent them all to there rooms till someone could be honest. Big brother knew he did not do it, youngest ds said he did not so that only left dd. Oldest ds went to her and got her to confess. She got in trouble not for braking the object but for lying. I try to make it a point that she knows she is getting a time out, having to clean it up, sitting on her bed for lying not for the actual action. You have to consistant and it will pass. It is just a phase. It will wear you out lol but it will pass!

[amcal]

Lying drives me insane. I absolutely do not tolerate it. From the time my children were very little, we've always had the rule in the house that I absolutely will not tolerate lying. I tell my children all the time that if they lie to me, I will get very upset but if they tell me the truth, I will not get angry and I will alway help them figure out a way to make it right.

We have had maybe two or three instances where I was lied to and they were given a few chances to come clean, when they didn't, I reminded them of the rule - if they tell me the truth, I will not get angry and will help them figure it out but if they lie, I will get very upset and there will be consequences. One time, DD did not come clean so her consequences were swift and severe (severe for her is to loose a privledge and to have to sit in her room).

Because we've done with from the beginning, my children don't seem to fear telling me the truth. They know the consequences if they don't. And, although it's really hard, I absolutely have to hold up my end of the bargin so no matter what, I don't get angry or upset when they tell me the truth. I thank them for telling the truth and then we figure it out together. They do understand that there still may be consequences to their actions but, that they can trust that I will not get angry or upset and I will help them calmly figure out how to fix the problem.

Now, all it takes is a reminder of the rule about lying and they immediately tell me the truth.

[rharr!]

Originally Posted by momof2boys1girl

my dd has been going thru this for about a year now and she just turned 8.I try to remind her that she will get in less trouble for telling the truth then lying.
We just went thru it this morning. I asked if she brushed her teeth and she said yes. I knew she did not but she kept insisting she had. I went to the bathroom and her tooth brush was dry. So I told her that she needed to stop lying I knew she had not brushed her teeth and she needed to be honest. That I would be upset w her lying to me but not upset if she was honest and said no I have not brushed them yet. Then she admited she had not and went and brushed them.
!

Eventually she will figure out to just wet her toothbrush before lying. And then she will learn to let the water run for a few minutes so that you can hear it and think she is brushing.
that was me as a kid when it came to brushing

It wasnt about lying. Might have been about control. I think I remember it feeling like a chore to have to brush my teeth. So I refused to do it.

[momof2boys1girl]

Originally Posted by rharr!

Eventually she will figure out to just wet her toothbrush before lying. And then she will learn to let the water run for a few minutes so that you can hear it and think she is brushing.
that was me as a kid when it came to brushing

It wasnt about lying. Might have been about control. I think I remember it feeling like a chore to have to brush my teeth. So I refused to do it.

My oldest does that he is almost 13. I say ok then show me those pearly whites and then he will turn around and go brush. I dont get why it is such a chore. It is like changing your underwear it is just a part of life lol.

[mothragirl]

Originally Posted by rharr!

Eventually she will figure out to just wet her toothbrush before lying. And then she will learn to let the water run for a few minutes so that you can hear it and think she is brushing.
that was me as a kid when it came to brushing

It wasnt about lying. Might have been about control. I think I remember it feeling like a chore to have to brush my teeth. So I refused to do it.

:
don't set them up for failure.

[chfriend]

This might or might not help:

p://dailygroove.net/why-kids-lie

I think she's telling you what she thinks you want to hear. She is caught between two unacceptable options. Tell the truth and hurting you or telling a lie and hurting you.

You can let her know that the two of you can handle anything together. And avoid asking questions the answer to which is going to hurt your feelings.

With the vase, "O man, I really liked that vase. I'm feeling disappointed that it got broken and even more disappointed that it's hidden in here. I'm bummed."

[Satori]

Originally Posted by rharr!

Eventually she will figure out to just wet her toothbrush before lying. And then she will learn to let the water run for a few minutes so that you can hear it and think she is brushing.
that was me as a kid when it came to brushing

It wasnt about lying. Might have been about control. I think I remember it feeling like a chore to have to brush my teeth. So I refused to do it.

I did the same thing, now I smell dd's breath if I don't think she did it. I'm waiting for her to figure out the part where you just put a dab of toothpaste on your tongue

[MamaOutThere]

Hey chfriend,

I was going to come back and share that article. I love Scott!

Seriously, this is phase they all go through.

I would say that if you have a serious issue with lying, you probably need to check that out and not take it out on your kids.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by MamaOutThere

Hey chfriend,

I was going to come back and share that article. I love Scott!

Seriously, this is phase they all go through.

I would say that if you have a serious issue with lying, you probably need to check that out and not take it out on your kids.

Well when your kids lying results in a nightmare ER visit because your child lied and told you the baby ate the meds and denied taking the meds which resulted in her OD'ing well talk. These are not all little lies on some things but serious ones. I don't care so much that she lies about brushing her teeth, I do care when her lying results in 911 calls and near heart attacks worried sick that the baby might die because dd said she ate her meds when it was dd herself who took them.

[MamaOutThere]

Sorry Satori, I wasn't referring to you at all. I should have made that clear. That sounds awfully scary, horrible, you name it.

I was simply thinking of a general attitude towards kids and lying and it being totally unacceptable, terrible, etc.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by MamaOutThere

Sorry Satori, I wasn't referring to you at all. I should have made that clear. That sounds awfully scary, horrible, you name it.

I was simply thinking of a general attitude towards kids and lying and it being totally unacceptable, terrible, etc.

I completely disagree that it's always just a phase and not something that needs to be addressed.

Sure, young children have a hard time telling the difference between the truth and a lie and may exaggerate, tell fantasy stories etc... but, deliberate lying is not just a phase. Children are lying for a reason and it's important to figure out why and to address it. In our case, my kids were afraid of being stuck with two bad options - fear of what they did and fear that they'd get in trouble. Once I reassured them that I would never get angry as long as they tell the truth, they felt safe that the could always tell me the truth without fear of repercussions.

I think chronic lying and lying when it's not necessary ie... no chance of repercussions - just lying to lie, must be dealt with. I've seen children who get into such a habit of lying that it continues and continues. I have a nephew who is 12 who I love to death but he's a huge liar. He lies about everything and it drives me insane.

Children need to be taught how important their word is. That people want to be able to trust what they say is true. Lying is a moral issue and I completely disagree that it's just a phase that can be ignored or will just pass. It may pass but I think it's an important opportunity to teach a very valuable lifelong lesson about the importance of telling the truth.

[Ruthla]

I would try to talk to her in a way that she doesn't feel the "need" to lie to you.

Instead of saying "Did you break the vase after I TOLD you not to touch it???" You could say "I see that the vase is broken. Let's talk about how that might have happened."

With the medication, explain "if the baby ate all those meds, she'll have to go to the hospital. I don't want to take her if she doesn't need to go. But if you ate those meds, it could make you very sick and we need to get YOU checked out to make sure you stay safe. But since you're bigger, we might not need to rush to the ER, I'll have to call <poison control or the ped's office) first to make sure. So it's REALLY important that I know what happened to that medication."

The key is to talk to the child in a non-blaming, non-shaming manner, and not asking questions you already know the answer to. You don't want your child afraid to tell you the truth.

[Preciousjem]

Hi,
I am going through this with my 8 year old. This has been going on for almost 2 years now. I have done everything but nothing seems to work. She lies about everything. I have assured her that it doesn't matter how bad the problem might be, we will find a way to solve it but if she lies, she will be in trouble. Occasionally she has told the truth and on these occasions, she has not been in trouble at all. She has no reason to lie because she has been told over and over again that she is loved unconditionally. She knows that I can not stand lies. I am a single parent and it is the two of us that live in the house. She knows when she breaks or destroy something I will know beacuse there is no one else to blame it on and yet she lies. My biggest issue is that my ex-husband (her father) is a pathalogical liar, Is it possible that this lying is biological? I have full custody and he only drops by around her birthday maybe every other year for 10 minutes so it is not possible she is learning his behavior. Could it be genetics?

[zeldamomma]

I like "1,2,3 Magic"'s approach to lying. They recommend that you don't ask leading questions you know the answer to, because it invites a lie. Instead you should say what you know and invite them to discuss it when they're ready.

I have an "inventive" kid too, though she hasn't done anything quite as dramatic as causing a 911 call (that must have been terrible to go through ). When she is on a lying spurt, I don't ask her for information, and if she tells me something, I double check it. When I do this, I tell her why I'm doing it-- not in a shaming way, but just matter of fact. My goal is to illustrate the natural consequences of lying so she will choose not to on her own. Generally it seems to work pretty well for us.

I have one kid who has hardly ever lied and another who is much more likely to, so I think personality definitely plays a part.

ZM