6 year old playing game called "sex"

[meccabell]

I have been searching much of the morning for a thread on this particular issue and I have found some but would love some more feedback. My DD is 6 and it came to light last night (from a call from my SIL, who had gotten the information from her DD) that she has been playing a game called "sex" with her female cousin (also 6) for quite a while now, maybe as long as a year. I talked to her about it as soon as I found out, likely overreacted, tried desperately not to raise my voice or accuse, but asked her what this game was and why they called it that and what they were doing while playing. She says that one of them pretends to be the dad, one the mom and that they sleep together. She said that they take positions while sleeping (one that can be described as spooning, I supposed) and then explained that one person could also be on top of the other person (she described it with her pillow and laid back onto the pillow to show me what she meant). The most disturbing part of my SIL's call was that the game involved touching all over each other's body. I asked DD about this and she said that it sometimes does involve touching, she pointed to her chest, her bottom and her thighs. There were tears and I knew that she felt horrible, and it made me feel bad too.

Her father and I are divorced, so I called him to ask advice and he asked to speak with her, I don't know if that helped. When I came back in her room with the phone, she said very softly, "don't tell Daddy on me". I am NOT worried about their relationship and I am not really worried that she has been abused or anything like that.

I spoke to her about whether or not she had played the game with anyone else. She said yes and told me the name of another female cousin who is about 8 or 9. My DD went to visit my uncle and wife with 3 of her cousins this summer and she was there for a week. She never said that there were any concerns (And trust me I ask).

I know this is long, I am sorry. My main concern with all of this is that when I asked DD who had come up with this game to play, she at first blamed her cousin (the 6 yo original participant). This morning she said that she is normally the "boss" of the game and is always the mom, because she wants to be the mom. The mom is the only one that gets touched and that even when her cousin doesn't want to play the "game" sometimes, she (my DD) will ask her to please play today. She said that clothes have never been removed, and doors are always open during play (as is the policy at both of our homes). She did however, say that if she were playing and Mommy had walked in, that she would've stopped because it was something she didn't want Mommy to know she was doing.

I don't know what to do or to think. I feel so lost here. I don't want to worry that this is the start of something more. I talked to her about the importance of privacy and that you should never try to convince someone to do something they are uncomfortable doing. What do I do now.

So sorry for the long post.

I am adding this as of 10/18/07

Thanks to everyone for their input. I am still in shock and sick to my stomach over it. We talked more yesterday before dinner and she said that she didn't want to tell me all of it. She said that pants were pulled down to their knees most of the time (along with underclothes (I am literally holding back tears at the thought)), and that because mommies and daddies kiss, that they had kissed on occasion too. I was much calmer thanks to you all on the post and I was glad that she told me everything (I hope and pray that it's everything). I am really bothered by the repetitive activity, especially while she was away from home for the week with the older cousin. We talked about the "why" of it. And I can only assume that it started out as experimenting and then continued because she liked the way the touching felt. (She said she did). I am mortified. I still am not sure what to do or think. I think that because of this level of experimenting, maybe we should talk to someone.

[nonconformnmom]

Welcome to MDC!

Just wanted to chime in that my dd learned how to play "the sex game" when she was 5 years old from another 5 yo while at a (very good, very reputable) daycare center. (My dd is in college, now, none the worse for wear, btw.)

I was astonished and shocked. They played it very similarly to how you described.

Wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[Amylcd]

I remember playing this "game" with my cousin. We both turned out just fine. I'm sure most children do this at some point.

[sbgrace]

This sounds normal to me too honestly. My concern would be that your response unwittingly may have created shame around it. I think you need to think about how to communicate that she is not bad or wrong for being curious. I hope you get some good advice here.

[eclipse]

I remember playing this game, too. I was however, molested as a child, several years before playing the "sex" game. I have no idea if the two things were related, though.

[filiadeluna]

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[Ravin]

Your DD's play sounds normal to me. Kids play house, they play at roles they see grownups doing, and her play is mimicking what a child might see on daytime TV or if they accidentally walked in on mom and dad.

My concern would only be to make sure that neither child was being coerced into doing what she didn't want to do, but the same would be true for ANY game.

This idea that children should remain oblivious to the existence of sex or not have any curiosity/feelings/interest in it unless they've been abused in some way is incredibly Victorian and really doesn't make any sense to me.

[LynnS6]

I just finished reading "Your Six Year Old" - which is an older book by Louise Bates Ames on child development (it's got to be a good 30-40 years old now). And even that book has a chapter on Sex. I just skimmed it (it was due at the library), but I think what she said was that 6 year olds are interested in the concept, and the role playing aspects - just what your dd seems to have done.

The book "Proactive Parenting" also has a good chapter on this topic.

It sounds like you handled it decently - you tried not to shame. It may be time for some books on bodies and babies, a reminder talk on keeping our hands to ourselves, and a reminder that if both kids aren't having fun, it's time to find another game to play.

[AugustineM]

I think this is pretty normal too. I remember playing a similar game with my best friend when I was about 8 or so. It was totally about experimenting and I was not abused, neither was she.

Definitely try not to shame her and don't make her feel that she's done something wrong. Like others have said, it's more important to focus on not pushing someone to do something they don't want to (or not doing something you don't want to..).

[Nature]

I played this game as a child. I however, was sexually abused years prior to playing the game. (and chronically abused ongoing for 9 years) I really have no idea if that level of play (getting on top of each other, etc..) is typically normal.

I would be concerned, but largely because of my own personal experience with games like those.

[savienu]

My DSD tried to kiss her babysitter on the lips the other week. I thought there was something wrong about it. Perhaps I'm wrong? At any rate, it's nice to know I'm not alone. For the record, I played these games, and they *were* innocent, but I was much older, like 11 or 12.

[savithny]

I think it can be within the realm of normal behavior.

I have to say that the knee-jerk reactions to any mention at all of sex by children has me actually afraid to give my 7yo DS the Facts of Life speech. I was going to read "Where did I come from?" to him, but since it actually has at least some intimation of the sex act (rather than "special cells from mom and dad meet to grow a baby") I"m worried that if he talks about what he's just found out (and he's the kind of kid who likes to talk about things he's learned that are cool), people are going to think he's etiher been abused or is an abuser in waiting.

[hipumpkins]

Well..I'll take the risk.
check out the book, "Everything you never wanted your kid to know about sex but were afraid they'd ask"
It's very reassuring.

[cpop]

I think most kids play this kind of game at some point or another.
I think a lot of times when we are afraid of our children violating another child's privacy with this kind of game, we end up violating our child's privacy in the way we talk about these things.
Children are aware of the taboo around sexual matters very early because they pick up on subtle (or not so subtle) parental discomfort whenever it comes up.
I know that it makes me a little queasy. But I try really, really hard to never shame or make her feel uncomfortable about it because that's what my mom did and it took me years to get over it.
I think any discussion on this subject should be basically about how, yes certain things feel good to our bodies, and they are our bodies and we can do these things that feel good, but that we can't be sure if they really feel good to other children and so just as our bodies our ours to do with what we want, so we should respect other people's bodies and play these kinds of games alone.
And then you could talk about how only adults should play those games with each other, or not.
That's how I handle it anyway. But I live in fear of having my daughter feel that sex is dirty or shameful.

[meccabell]

Thanks to everyone for their input. I am still in shock and sick to my stomach over it. We talked more yesterday before dinner and she said that she didn't want to tell me all of it. She said that pants were pulled down to their knees most of the time (along with underclothes (I am literally holding back tears at the thought)), and that because mommies and daddies kiss, that they had kissed on occasion too. I was much calmer thanks to you all on the post and I was glad that she told me everything (I hope and pray that it's everything). I am really bothered by the repetitive activity, especially while she was away from home for the week with the older cousin. We talked about the "why" of it. And I can only assume that it started out as experimenting and then continued because she liked the way the touching felt. (She said she did). I am mortified. I still am not sure what to do or think. I think that because of this level of experimenting, maybe we should talk to someone.

[cpop]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your child. I really don't think what she did was abnormal.
If you are worried about it having serious psychological consequences in some way, I would try to find a great (do a lot of research) child psychologist and then go for an appointment WITHOUT HER. Talk to the person about what happened, how you talked to your dd about it and ask for advice about what to do and how to deal with it, and whether your dd should get help.
That seems to me the best way to not do even more damage.

[Still_Learning]

I remember doing this as a child. I was 7 and it was with my best friend. I remeber doing it at least 5 or 6 times. Her parents were never home (she had older sisters supposed to be watching her), so we would play our game in the bathtub. The bubble bath helped because we couldn't see what we were doing (we enjoyed it, but we were uncomfortable at the same time. Knew it was something we weren't supposed to be doing, but too curious not too). I know that I initiated it and that I have never been abused.

I had found my dad's playboys and was very curious.

[meccabell]

Thank you, "cpop" for that response. I think that I will do just that. My mother also suggested me going to talk to someone first and then taking my dd. Thank you again.

[Surfacing]

Just another voice to say I did this too when I was a kid. It was harmless and just a natural way to act out our curiousity about something in the adult world.