hyperactivity and stress

[~*Guest]

Not quite sure where to post this...I have noticed in my dd(3.5yrs) that when she is confronted with emotional turmoil, she becomes very hyperactive, unfocused, and unable to listen. At first I thought this behavior was a food allergy. I remember first noticing it about a year ago. But I eventually realized it corresponded with the times my dh and I were fighting. Our fighting has gotten tremendously better. Although the first 2-2.5 years of her life we fought a lot. We fought yesterday, and the last two days she has been so hyperactive and out of control. I feel so awful about it. I feel like our fighting has caused this. She also got this way when we went to visit relatives this summer(dh didn't come a long). The whole three week trip was really rough. Her behavior the whole time was out of control. To give you an idea of how she gets...I will be trying to talk to her, to get down on her level and look her in the eye, but she is going a thousand miles a minute. She won't(or can't) stop moving, she can't make eye contact, doesn't follow directions, etc. It is so sad. Is there any way I can teach her better ways of dealing with her feelings. I guess the optimal situation is that there is no more fighting, but obviously even if that happens, there will be other stresses in life she has to deal with. I worry that when she starts school, she will be labeled as ADD or get in trouble for behaving this way, etc. Any advice would really be appreciated.

[jgmommo]

My dd is like that, accept I didn't make the connection until she was older than yours is now. Now she's almost 8 and is much better able to articulate what's going on or at least tell me that she's feeling off and I can help her figure it out. Not always, though. But it's great that you can make the connection.

Your dd is maybe a little young but what I did was to provide a word (or words) that might describe how she's feeling when she's stressed (like jumpy or fluttery). Then we'd talk about what to do when you feel jumpy or fluttery, breathing, reading a book, talking with me or someone else. My tendency is to get overwhelmed when she's acting that way, which isn't good because it's usually when all of us are already stressed. But when I can remain calm (and I've gotten better at it as I've realized what's going on with her), she amazes me with how well she will talk about her feelings.

[cpop]

Sounds like she's very sensitive. Do you ever talk to her about the fighting?
I think that would help because it probably scares her. Talk to her about how people disagree sometimes, and sometimes you and you dh get big feelings when you disagree and then you start shouting. Explain to her that you still love each other (if you do) and maybe connect it to a tantrum of hers -- like an example of when she disagreed with you about something and got angry and yelled -- but you still loved each other and made up.
I've also heard that if you do occasionally fight it is important to make up in front of your kids, even if it is a second making up (like a re-enactment) so that they see that the conflict is resolved. Apologize to each other in front of her for shouting or being mean, that way she will understand that this is a normal part of human relationships.

[~*Guest]

thank you both for your replies. that is good advice to talk to her about the fighting. sometimes i forget how much she probably thinks about it and worries about it because she seems so kinetic and unavailable. thanks