Storytime playgroups

[MeghansDad]

We have a local library storytime and playgroup that i sort fo go to with the kids. Trouble is this. Im usually the only dad and the women that go are all sort of a tight group and dont really pay much attention to me while they all talk and gossip (small neighborhood).

Anyone else run into situation like this?

[isaac'sdada]

sometimes

I'm relatively new to this as my son is only 5 months old, but I also often feel at best out of the loop and at worst unwelcome as the only father at certain events. I sometimes wonder if it's more benign--simply a matter of unfamiliarity or a lack of communication, but I do know where you're coming from. (oops, baby awake, gotta run)

[Monkeypants]

Hi
I'm not a dad but my DH doesn't post so I wanted to share his experience. He and I share the parentig responsibilities pretty evenly and he often takes one or both of our older DD's to stuff like dance or gymnastics or clay class. He is completely ignored by moms all the time. He once spent 8 weeks going to a hands on program with our 3 yo at our local children's museum. He saw the same women every week and only one ever even spoke to him, Now he is a very nice person, a great parent and not particularly intimidating in the way he looks or acts. We talked alot about why this happens and never really came up with a good theory. I'm interested in other's opinions!

[Romana]

My dh has had exactly the same problems. It's been very socially ostracizing for him, and for dd. We also tried to get dd into a local playgroup, but after contacting multiple organizations were turned down by each one. There is one we're still going after that might let him in with some kind of restricted membership.

We have found a local SAHD's group, but it's very small and geographically spread out, so it sometimes means long distances to get to an event with kids that aren't even near dd's age. Very disappointing.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's so disheartening, and the kids are the ones who really miss out.

[LaLaLaLa]

How old is your little one? Is she old enough to actually interact with the others at storytime yet? This might help you socialize better, when your dd jumps into the fray of toddler relationships. I sometimes go to a storytime with my two toddlers, and there is a dad there with his own two kids. As his and mine tumble around together and fight over toys, it developed from a basic "hey, dd, let's share with this nice boy, okay?" into "what's his name? How old are they?" and some actual conversation. If he suggested a playdate, I'd certainly do one. After the holiday craziness ends, maybe I'll bring it up. I'd never considered that guys are probably lonelier than girls in this parenting thing.

Unfortunately for this guy, I already have a regular weekly playgroup of moms I met through a breastfeeding support group when our firstborns were newborns. So naturally that group, where I made most of my playdate connections, was exclusionary to guys. And now with a dozen rambunctious toddlers and bad weather that keeps us indoors, we haven't been inviting more people to join us to play. It must be hard for a dad to make the connections moms make.

See if you can let your dd take the lead, especially if there are kids she interacts with well. If you're having difficulty making connections, you don't want to get close to someone only to find out your kids hate each other and won't play.

If the local moms are exclusionary, have you considered a different location? We actually don't go to our local library, as the one in the next town has better programs. I've also chatted up dads and moms at the playgrounds, the children's museum, and the mall playmat. Maybe finding a group of people who aren't already cliquey would help. I wish you luck in your search for playmates!

[crazyrunningmama]

Oh, that is too bad! A couple of dads come to our local storytime and I always say hi (well, to anyone, really) but I feel a bit like the attitude from everyone is "Hey, look! A MAN!!" and I don't want to contribute to making the dads feel self conscious. Also I would worry that if I suggested a play date he would think I was flirting, ring or no ring. Hmm, solutions? I think I would be cool with a dad saying, hey my kid needs to play with other kids, what park to you go to, what time of day do you normally go, maybe we can meet up there sometime (rather than someone's house, too much pressure)

[mom2annika]

I'm laughing a little remembering the rental with Kate Winslet, "Little Children." But hey, I realize it's no joke. We move around a lot for DH's job and it's usually (so far) to smallish towns that are very isolated. So, everybody knows everybody. Except me. I get the same impression of cold shoulders, probably not intentionally, but it's the pits all the same. It's gotta be worse for a dad cause like a pp mentioned, everybody is worried about appearances. Especially in an insular, gossipy community.

Sigh. Ya just gotta hang in there. Network, network, network, and eventually someone will have to be nice back. Or they'll be acting on a dare, like in the movie. I'm kidding! It does get easier, and thank goodness for the Internet.

[Sassenach280]

Originally Posted by mom2annika

I'm laughing a little remembering the rental with Kate Winslet, "Little Children."

They call him the "Prom King."

[ralphie76]

I'm sorry to hear this, as my DH will become a SAHD full-time when our baby comes in April. I guess I'm not surprised, but I have high hopes for him to get involved in playgroups, etc. and make some friends with babies (even if they're mamas!) I am not threatened by opposite-sex friendships, and neither is he. He doesn't wear a wedding ring though...maybe that will get him more contact

We joke about "Little Children" all the time...we talk about when he gets to have his affair with Kate Winslet once he's a SAHD.

There aren't too many SAHD's in our area that we see or know about- we live in a pretty conservative, military area, so I hope that he isn't completely ostracized.

[Malva]

My dh has experienced the same thing but I don't think it bothers him that much. He's not that social.

He stopped going to this drop in playgroup in our neighbourhood because the moms are always gossiping, completely oblivious to their toddlers who are acting like little terrors.

[lindsaymargenau]

I have to say I am shocked that so many moms here say they would see chatting with a SAHD or inviting him on a playdate to seem like hitting on him or like something their spouse/partner would be jealous of. I have always lived & worked in a society where you can interact with men and women both equally. I am the professional in our family - DH stays home with our son. He has these same issues trying to find playgroups and friends to hang out with. But when I invite a group of businessmen out for lunch or having a meeting with male colleagues, I am in no way considered to be hitting on them, and DH would never consider being jealous for that, or any other inter-gender communication. I think this is a very strange and alarming double standard. Sorry, I'm not usually this opinionated, I just found this very shocking and sad. Just my two cents.

[wha2do]

Luckily, I have not really experienced this phenomenon... no really. But there does seem to be a large proportion of AHDs in my town. There may be fear on the mothers part to act first, sort of a herd mentality, and if one starts to talk to you and doesn't get cooties, more will be willing to interact with you in the future.


If you go regularly, I would think that familiarity would make people more friendly. You might try to help with snack, clean up, or otherwise help the storytime/PG.

One more idea for now. Let the kids be the ice breaker. I tend to do the "dad play." I let the kids climb on me, I throw the little ones (2-5ish) in the air, that sort of thing. Making the kids get mom's permission for this at least forces the moms to acknowledge you.

[Xoe]

You're not the only one to get the cold shoulder......Anyone who doesn't "fit in" can get the cold shoulder. I'm African American, and a friend I know is from India. We both can't believe how left out we feel sometimes. But I find one way to change things is to just go up and introduce myself. Other times I realize I don't really want to be around some of these particular moms, so it's just fine. Make friends with the librarian, and then let it be.

xoe