becoming a midwife, being a good mommy

[Aunt Em]

Hi everyone,
I am mom to 4, ages 1, 4, 6,and 8 and I really want to become a midwife. I'm already a doula, but I haven't been able to be at many births due to my many births of my own! Now though, it seems as though it may be easier now to pursue this. I really struggle though with how my family will deal with an on call mom, and the child care issues that go along with it. Any midwife mommys out there, I would love to hear how you balance midwifery and mothering. Its such a strong pull to midwifery, but I feel really guilty when I think of the sacrifice my family may have to make for it. How do birth professionals do it? I've only been to 4 births as a doula, and even that was tricky, so what would a midwifery practice be like? THanks for any help.
Emme

[Malga]

I've struggled with this question myself. The midwife I used to work with began training when her youngest was around 10 I believe and he still holds a grudge about that. You do miss out on important things-- birthdays, etc. It does mean time away from the family, unless you join some bigger practice where you share call.

[gentlestrengths]

I am just a student still. I began as a doula as well. I am in a similar situation as you. My four kids are 6 1/2, 4 1/2, 3, and 7 months. To be not so long-winded, I'll say this:
Of course this is just my experience, but I feel better when I am active in midwifery. I feel happier about myself. I feel happier to cook and clean and take care of my kids. It give me energy and life. I have stayed at home and not "worked" since I began having kids. But it wasn't until I started actively apprenticing that I really felt like I found my niche. I never want to work "full-time" again. I don't want to work away from home for 40+ hours a week. I want to take care of my house and home, and kids and husband. But I want to help to care for my clients too. I feel totally called to this occupation. I know it is in me to give in this way, and it really fulfills me. It makes me a better mom, wife, housekeeper. I think you definitely can find a happy-medium in this profession. I also think that it can go the other way, if you aren't careful. I think you can let clients take too much time and become too dependent on you. Midwives usually pride themselves on the time that they give to their clients, but some clients can be really clingy and you have to draw some lines. And of course, it is a time-consuming profession anyway. You can and do get pulled away at times that you would rather not. But if you're called into this for women and babies....your heart is just there....
I know this may not help you a ton, but it's late, and I have four kids and not a lot of time! I hope you find your answers!

[Aunt Em]

That is very helpful actually. That's exactly the way I feel. I feel so drawn to it, and really energized by it all. I think I would be better for it as well, but there's still that mother guilt creeping alongside. I'm thinking if I limit to a few clients a month that wouldnt' be so bad, right? Especially with home birth practice, I feel like I'd have a lot of say in how busy I am, but the child care issues that come along with being 24 hours on call have me stumped. I'm praying and waiting for the right time and for the way to shown to me. I know it will be. Any one else out there struggle with this?

[BirthFree]

For me, I was accepted to a MW school and was going (as in grit my teeth GOING )... my youngest was 1.5. I realized just shortly before school started that I was going to be paying someone else to watch/raise my kids while I finished my training. The whole reason I was a SAHM is so I could do that myself... so I kind of had a crisis on my hands.

Over a long conversation with a good friend and some praying and tears, I decided to post-pone my schooling. Honestly, my kids will only be young one time in their life. I have the rest of mine to peruse the dream that is never going away. I believe that honoring my children in that way will in return let them honor that dream of mine one day. Is it better for me to wait until they say, "Bye Mom, have a good birth!" vs. screaming as I leave to do homework (which they were doing)? I really felt like it was.

It is the ROAD that takes you to midwifery as much as the training that makes you a midwife. You want your family to be able to support the wild hours, events and practice that is homebirth MWery - I still feel absolutely wonderful about my choice and as hard as it was not knowing if I'd ever go back to complete my dream... I stay connected as a doula, assisting with MWs when I can/they have time/space and it keeps me motivated and loving what I do both as a Mom and a doula/MW apprentice/assistant.

It is not an easy choice, but I wanted to err on the side of my family if I am going to err. My Mom brought me up knowing that you have to have "me" time to be a good Momma, and do what you love - and I do... just smaller incriments right now until my children are older. I think it's a balance.

[gentlestrengths]

Originally Posted by Aunt Em

That is very helpful actually. That's exactly the way I feel. I feel so drawn to it, and really energized by it all. I think I would be better for it as well, but there's still that mother guilt creeping alongside. I'm thinking if I limit to a few clients a month that wouldnt' be so bad, right? Especially with home birth practice, I feel like I'd have a lot of say in how busy I am, but the child care issues that come along with being 24 hours on call have me stumped. I'm praying and waiting for the right time and for the way to shown to me. I know it will be. Any one else out there struggle with this?

I am a student with AAMI. I chose AAMI because of the flexibility of it. I can do my schoolwork when my kids are sleeping, or otherwise occupied. I can clean and cook and kiss booboo's and push my schoolwork to the side. I don't have to go to class every day at 3pm. I needed this flexibility because otherwise I would leave for class crying (with my kids) every day. There is no way I could ever handle that. I want to be there for my kids. I have a husband who is really involved with my children (I say this because I know that not all women have a husband that is). When I am gone, he is there for them. When I leave my house and my kids are with him, I am completely comfortable and confident that they are cared for. I can't say the same if I leave them with anyone else (which I do have to do sometimes). I feel guilty when I leave my kids with people other than my husband. Not because my kids are crying (lots of times they're with friends or cousins and they are perfectly happy), but because I feel like they cannot truly be cared for in the same manner than I or my husband would give. THAT is the hard part for me. Making the decision to do THAT.

I, too, know that our children are only young for this time, and then they are grown. My husband just got done working third shift for over a year (Army) and I could not do ANYTHING. I wasn't active in midwifery, I couldn't doula (I think I went on two births in a year), and I certainly didn't get much school work done either. I went without because I had to for the sake of our children. So for me, I put my kids first, and I take care of my family first - but now that my husband is off of third shift - I am back oncall and into my studying. I think having a truly supportive husband makes a HUGE difference. Women studying midwifery have a high divorce rate (not even joking). Make sure your husband is onboard 100%. THe midwives I know who's husbands are excited for their midwifery journey fare much better than those who are lukewarm about it. It truly is a calling, and those who are called to this, IMO, are MEANT to do it - and I don't think there is anything wrong with family support (grandparents, in-laws, etc). p.s. I guess I need to update my sig line. lol

[momdzn]

Like most things in life, you have to make choices.
I am going to be 52 soon and have been studying most of my life. I have put my studies on hold to have children, move around, grieve and many other things. In the last 2 years I have picked my studies back up and have started attending a few births (mainly my daughters).
I still am struggling (I know that isn't what you wanted to hear). I have an 8 yo that may be bipolar, if not extremely sensitive to things in life. She doesn't always tolerated the hours of me excepting a client.
I regards to the comment about a 10 yo still resenting... I think some children will find a reason, I say that because there have been life events beyond my control that have taken me away and I see the resentment.
I, too, feel so much better about all things when I am working with birth clients. My dh has commented on more than one occasion that I glow.
Find your balance, don't compare yourself to others, and be ready to except the possibility things may not go as you planned. Find your peace.

[gentlestrengths]

Originally Posted by momdzn

Like most things in life, you have to make choices.
I am going to be 52 soon and have been studying most of my life. I have put my studies on hold to have children, move around, grieve and many other things. In the last 2 years I have picked my studies back up and have started attending a few births (mainly my daughters).
I still am struggling (I know that isn't what you wanted to hear). I have an 8 yo that may be bipolar, if not extremely sensitive to things in life. She doesn't always tolerated the hours of me excepting a client.
I regards to the comment about a 10 yo still resenting... I think some children will find a reason, I say that because there have been life events beyond my control that have taken me away and I see the resentment.
I, too, feel so much better about all things when I am working with birth clients. My dh has commented on more than one occasion that I glow.
Find your balance, don't compare yourself to others, and be ready to except the possibility things may not go as you planned. Find your peace.

And this isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings - just something I ponder....but I wonder if a 10yo that is resentful towards a mother who is a midwife is coming from true "neglect" from the parent(s) or if it is just not a well-parented child? I think when children get enough attention from their parents then it doesn't matter too much how much you work.....quality not quantity - especially at 10 years old. I mean - my almost-seven year old and almost 5 year old have been playing outside all morning. They've come in for lunch and besides that they've been happy to play themselves. That isn't to say they don't need attention sometimes - they do. But a ten year old should be more independent (IMO) and if he is getting enough attention when the parents ARE around....shouldn't that be enough? Again, jmo - I haven't btdt yet really... =)

[Aunt Em]

I'm thinking of doing AAMI too, and taking it very slowly. I'm thinking it will probably take me 4 or 5 years to complete it and I already have an awesome practice that said they would take me on as an student, and I can do as much or as little as I like. I live in the Seattle area though, and my midwives actually teach at Seattle Midwifery, so you could say there's quite a bit of pressure to go to THE school. But I ain't seeing that happening, the money or the time involved with that. I appreciate all comments, even those that aren't all "pie in the sky". Its real, and it helps to know I'm not alone in both the calling and the struggle. My husband is on board, and hopefully by the time I'm ready to actually do anything, he will be working from home which would be perfect. I don't mind trading child care with friends a few times a month(like you say, the kids are happy and having fun!) but I never want to be in a position of actually putting them in "child care". No way! I think I just have to realize I don't have to have it all figured out right now. There's nothing wrong with studying now, helping out with a birth or two here and there. Things will fall into place when and if I'm supposed to do this.
AAMI students, do you feel like the program? Do you feel like you are getting enough support? Anything you wish you knew before you signed up? Thanks again!

[BeckiCNM]

Originally Posted by gentlestrengths

Of course this is just my experience, but I feel better when I am active in midwifery. I feel happier about myself. I feel happier to cook and clean and take care of my kids. It give me energy and life. I have stayed at home and not "worked" since I began having kids. But it wasn't until I started actively apprenticing that I really felt like I found my niche.

:

That's how I feel. I am lucky enough to have a SAHD, though, in my household, that allows me to do what I love and still feel like my children are getting the love and attention that they need. They love having daddy at home.

It can be very hard to balance, and I don't know if I have the right balance or not. But I do know I am a better mother for being a midwife than I was before.

[gentlestrengths]

Originally Posted by Aunt Em

AAMI students, do you feel like the program? Do you feel like you are getting enough support? Anything you wish you knew before you signed up? Thanks again!

I really love AAMI. It has been really interesting figuring out how to do it all..how to get it done. It is self-motivating. You have to want to do it. And then you have to do it. There aren't any deadlines (for the work to be done), you have to make your own. And, personally, this is the best kind of training for me, especially for a midwifery practice of my own. It is not only giving me midwifery knowledge, it is teaching me how to run a business on my own. Really - how to be self-sufficient, a self-starter, self-motivated and to get all the jobs DONE. Something I probably should have learned a long time ago but never did. ha. The work isn't pie. But it isn't rocket science either (IMO). You can delve in as deep as you want, stay very near the surface, or find your happy-medium somewhere in between. It's what you make of it. Don't expect someone to hold your hand and pull you through, and yet at the same time, if you need help from others, you can usually find a group of women who have a similar goal (graduated such-and-such year..etc) and form a "study-group" of sorts. I like it. =) It works for me.

[gentlestrengths]

Originally Posted by BeckiCNM

But I do know I am a better mother for being a midwife than I was before.

I understand that sentiment totally. Four years ago I probably would have shook my head and chuckled. I think I used to think that us women should feel perfectly happy and fulfilled taking care of our house and family. And, actually, I still think that - but I think part of taking care of my house and family is being a midwife: bringing in some extra income, helping others find peace in birth the way they want it, and in turn taking care of myself; it all helps me provide a good environment for my husband and kids.

[BirthFree]

Aunt Em, that's where I was going to go (SMS)... but there are other avenues to the same adventure. It is good to remember when your pocket book, birth philosophy or family doesn't allow the full time, full boar commitment.

I know there is a new online school but can't find the website right away... but so many more options are available every year.

[Peppamint]

Coming in late to the conversation, but I'm experiencing the "how to balance" right now. It's actually very doable for me right now because I'm assistant, therefore I don't go to prenatals and postpartums. It would be more of a balancing act if I was doing the prenatals and postpartums but even then, assuming my childcare was willing, I could do it. My childcare is comprised of my mom being on call to care for the kids while dh is at work, and dh taking care of the kids when he comes home from work. Whenever I end up apprenticing and going to prenatals and postpartums, I will probably try to find a HS teen who would be willing to help out but at this time we only leave our kids with family members.

Since I'm a SAHM, and a homeschooling one at that, I think sometimes the "me" time in the form of going to a birth is good for all of us.

We're working on snowballing our debt, but when it's paid off I'm very seriously considering enrollment in AAMI.

[gentlestrengths]

Originally Posted by busybusymomma

Coming in late to the conversation, but I'm experiencing the "how to balance" right now. It's actually very doable for me right now because I'm assistant

Back when I only had one kid, and she was about 10 months old...I started apprenticing with a pretty busy midwife (2-4 births a month). She did prenatals on two days a week, Sundays and Mondays. She also went to all of her clients homes (not a lot of midwives do that here). We live in a very large city. She had several students, and I only did prenatals one day a week usually. The midwife I'm working with now only does prenatals on one day a week and she has a home office. So she doesn't have to go anywhere even when she does need to see people on days that are not normally prenatal days. I think that helps with time being away from family. I'm not sure how I will handle this when I am a midwife, but I think that I plan on traveling to clients homes until I have enough clients that I need to be in one place to handle all the appointments. Plus, I think it will take me a while to get a nice office set up. Ya know. =) Anyway, a lot of midwives use one prenatal day a week and even their postpartums come on that day, or sometimes a revised day for the 3-day appointment (some midwives do a 24-hour appointment too though, but not mine). So it doesn't add a TON of time away from your family really.

I homeschool too. We just switched to the Robinson curriculum. LOVE it. Check it out - it is very right on with self-inspired learning, and I really like it. We implemented it this year with our 6yo, who's had two formal years behind her, and she is doing extremely well with the transition. I am so glad to ahve found it before I got too much "formal" type education into her. Anyway, just a suggestion, but look into it at robinsoncurriculum.com - no frills or lace with it, but it is REALLY awesome. Read the entire website. It'll save you tons of time with homeschooling and IMO, make your child better off in the long run.
gl

[Aunt Em]

Now that is good advice to do all the prenatals in one day, and to envision having a home office. That gives me a good idea of what it could be like. I'm a homeschooler at heart, but I'm taking a break this year to help hubby get his business off the ground. We homeschooled the past 2 years though and loved it and I definitely see us homeschooling again in the future. So glad to have found this community...I need to go sign in at the student midwife "tribe". Thanks again!

[Peppamint]

I haven't heard of that curriculum, I'll go look at it. Dd1 is using a self-paced curriculum now, and once she is reading better she'll be able to do a lot of it on her own.

I think doing prenatals on a certain day makes sense, but then you have to have room in your house or another place to do it. I've heard of midwives making an arrangement to use a room in a chiropractor's business and stuff like that, but here midwifery is illegal so I'm not so sure that would be a good thing for the chiro to do.

I've been to three births just this week with more due, this midwife keeps pretty busy I guess!

[gentlestrengths]

Originally Posted by busybusymomma

I haven't heard of that curriculum, I'll go look at it. Dd1 is using a self-paced curriculum now, and once she is reading better she'll be able to do a lot of it on her own.

I think doing prenatals on a certain day makes sense, but then you have to have room in your house or another place to do it. I've heard of midwives making an arrangement to use a room in a chiropractor's business and stuff like that, but here midwifery is illegal so I'm not so sure that would be a good thing for the chiro to do.

I've been to three births just this week with more due, this midwife keeps pretty busy I guess!

Yes, you definitely have to have room (or make room) in your house for an office area. And an illegal state would be tough, for SURE. Definitely check out the Robinson Curriculum. I *love* it.

[NavelgazingMidwife]

I'm also coming in late here, but feel this is an important topic to discuss. It took me over a decade to become an independent midwife and my kids had to deal with my being a doula, birth assistant and then apprentice/assistant midwife as they grew up, some of the time as I was a single mom. It was very, very hard and I parented by phone a lot sometimes. (We didn't have cell phones in the olden days, either.)

My wonderful apprentice has 9 children from 22 down to 6 months old and this is a very topical issue for us. She is not only my apprentice, but is also in midwifery school that meets every Friday - today was the first day she didn't take her baby to school. Talk about challenging! It isn't something I ever could have done. She's had to hear every thought I've ever had about being a midwifery student/midwife with young kids - and now she's living in it.

I've worked with a midwife who took her babies to births LOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGG after she should have, believing it was the apprentice's job to take care of the child. Can I *tell* you how flippin' annoying it was for everyone to have a screaming child at births? Aargh! LEAVE YOUR KIDS AT HOME!

Anyway.

What I want everyone to remember is you are modeling behaviors for your clients.

When you tell your client to sit still postpartum, will she listen to you? Will she think you have a forked tongue because you have a 3 month old at home and you just sat with her for a 28-hour labor and came for her 1-day postpartum and are now back for her 3-day postpartum visit?

When you encourage a mom to remain with her 8-month old instead of leaving her with grandma to go on vacation, will she think, "Who are you to talk? You pump and leave your kid for days on end!"

Like that.

And as for the 10-year old having resentment, let me share another viewpoint.

A very, very popular/famous midwife used to have fabulous gatherings every single Friday night in her house. She opened her home to all her clients and their families. Everyone brought food, friends... it was a wonderful community event that lasted for years and years. The gatherings replaced childbirth classes in her practice as the discussions during the evening would always come around to some aspect or other of childbirth and everyone learned so much. These evenings are still spoken of as legendary.

One evening, a breathless newly pregnant woman passed the midwife's 17-year old daughter in the hallway and, after an introduction, the pregnant mom said, "Oh, you must be *so* proud of your mom!" The teenager looked at the woman dryly and said to her, "Not really. My mom hasn't ever been around for us. She has always been there for you," and she walked on down the hall.

Many people heard this commentary and it didn't come from a surly teen. It came from the most loving, tender, gentle of her children. Shocked, midwives learned a hard, hard lesson about "being there" for their own families.

I've told my apprentice - When you are with me or your clients, BE with me and our/your clients, but when you are with your family, BE with your family.

Quit wishing you were somewhere else. If you want to be somewhere, get there. But love where you are or someone is getting short shrifted. And that isn't fair to anyone.

Least of all, you.

Barbara E. Herrera, LM, CPM
San Diego, CA

[stellimamo]

Coming i late but I have been grapplig with this issue myself a lot lately. I know midwifery is my passion but my kids are only young once and I need to find a balance. With a new one on the way I know I have awhile to go before my formal education can truely begin but I feel like I should start preparing now so that the pieces will hopefully fit together easily when the time comes.

Thank you everyone for sharing their experieces.