When someone you love is depressed.

[Breathe]

I've been flirting around this question for some time now and just decided to go ahead and post my dilemma here in case one of you can offer some wisdom. It truly is a personal growth issue, because I need help with how *I* am to handle having a depressed loved one.

I have a close family member who is, IMO, depressed to the point that it is affecting her life. This person has trouble sleeping; feels generally unwell; has an incredibly gloomy outlook on life; feels helpless, unloved, and unlovable; and has quite possibly the lowest self-esteem I've ever encountered. No, she will not seek help. She does not believe in paying someone to "just sit and stare at her while she complains," and believes that she is depressed for a good reason . . . because her life sucks. Let me reiterate that she will NOT seek professional help.

This person lives near me and is a part of our life on a weekly basis. She adores my child and he adores her.

The problem for me is that talking with her is a real DOWNER. I try to listen reflectively, but saying, "gosh, you sound sad (or discouraged or angry or depressed)" just elicits a "No, I'm not!" The only thing she WILL admit to is being tired. And lonely. And burnt-out. None of which, IMO, are words that get to the true feelings underneath.

When I get off the phone with her, I am often *exhausted* -- It takes ALL of my energy to keep my chin up and go back to my happy life once we hang up.

So I am fully aware that this is MY problem. I KNOW I can't heal her. I KNOW I can't push her to seek help. I KNOW I'm letting her steal my energy.

But it so sad to realize that someone's LIFE -- their one and ONLY life -- is being spent in despair.

Anyone else with a similar experience? If so, I'd love suggestions for books or groups or web sites or any other resources for people trying to cope with a depressed loved one. If you have any insight, please share it. I always get inspiration from MDC mamas so I'm betting one of you has a kernel of truth that might help me!

Thanks so much!
El

[weetzie]

Well, I am the one with depression and when I was first diagnosed I bought my DH "How you can survive when they're depressed". The author is Anne Sheffield.

I never read it myself so i am not sure how good it is--maybe read reviews on amazon?

hope this helps some

[L.J.]

My dad was depressed for a year or two and it was very difficult, especially for my mom. I didn't read any books, but that would have probably been helpful. I just wanted to share that I know how hard it is to have someone we really care about going through such pain. I hope some others can refer you to some good resources.

[Breathe]

Thanks for the book reference, rosewong. That was *exactly* the kind of thing I was hoping was out there!

And please let me add that I hope my original post didn't hurt your feelings. I realized when re-reading it that from the perspective of someone who is suffering from depression, it could sound a little cold -- like all I care about is how this illness affects ME. And saying that discussions are a "downer" is kind of childish, and really rather insensitive. Really, I have done so much suffering of my own from worrying about this person and from taking on her disappointments and hurts and making them my own, that it has lead to much processing and a bit of distancing on my part. But I failed to describe the LOVE behind my concern, so I do apologize to you (and others, no doubt) who may be reading this from the suffering person's perspective. I hope that you're doing well!

And thanks, L.J., for the validation. Every little bit helps! (So glad to hear that your dad recovered . . . that gives me hope!)

[weetzie]

Your original post didnt hurt my feelings one bit

My mom has dealt with depression her life so I know how much is sucks to be on the other end. And I think that your focus on how it affects you is good--many people try to be selfless and say that whatever the depressed person wants is ok. And recognizing that *you* have needs and issues with this is very healthy.

And I dont think that you would write anything like this if you didnt care. I just thought that you were being a good friend (shoot, when I was depressed I didnt like being around me, so there is no telling how my friends felt )

Take care, and i hope that things get better for your friend and for you!

[Moon]

Anne Sheffield also just wrote a book called "Depression Fallout" which is quite good.

She has a web site with a bulletin board, too, which might be helpful till you can get the books.

Depression Fallout

Good luck

[owensmom]

Let me start this with I know little of which I speak...

but a good friend of mine finally asked her doctor about it (she wasn't as depressed as your friend sounds - but tired, stressed, gloomy "nothing ever goes right" type of attitude).

Anyway, she didn't get counseling, she asked her physician, who was really receptive and asked her some questions... and had her try something, ah crap.... efflexor or something? I don't know, but it seemed to help her out. They started out with a low dose and worked up a bit, then back down again to a good maintenance dose.

Anyway, maybe she can be convinced to see a doctor, not a psychologist?

Otherwise - no advice!

[owensmom]

Let me start this with I know little of which I speak...

but a good friend of mine finally asked her doctor about it (she wasn't as depressed as your friend sounds - but tired, stressed, gloomy "nothing ever goes right" type of attitude).

Anyway, she didn't get counseling, she asked her physician, who was really receptive and asked her some questions... and had her try something, ah crap.... efflexor or something? I don't know, but it seemed to help her out. They started out with a low dose and worked up a bit, then back down again to a good maintenance dose.

Anyway, maybe she can be convinced to see a doctor, not a psychologist?

Otherwise - no advice!