:( So Sad, Family Vent

[Lact-o-Mama]

I'm feeling really bummed out.

My cousin is about to have her first just after Christmas. Poor girl has SO much negative support from her side of the family....her Mom couldn't nurse her b/c of a supposed b-milk allergy, her sil had a fever post-partum and was told not to nurse b/c of it The list goes on and my cousin completely believes what she has been hearing Despite having seen me nurse 3 kids, she still looks at bf as a VERY hard to attain goal that comes with LOADS of restrictions and limitations.
I swear sometimes when we chat together she doesn't even really *hear* me at all.
On top of that, just tonight as I offered her some back issues of Mothering & New Beginnings, she proceeded to tell me how she will *try* to nurse but she wants the baby to go from breast to bottle right away. She is VERY adamant about having her freedom to drink alcohol and have nights out as well as to "share the feedings with the Dad". She also plans to start smoking ciggarettes again right away and I can hear it in her voice that she really doesn't want to bf while doing that. I have to say, at least I can be happy that she changed her lifestyle while being pregnant, that's a definate positive.
I've just honestly never heard anyone that is so determined to go "back to their old ways" ykwim.
Hearing her talk about it, there isn't even an "opening" to discuss the probobility of Nipple Confusion among other things....it's like she has her mind made up.
She did say "yeah, I guess I will just try and see"..."maybe I'll try it for a few days then switch to formula".

I don't want to be dispresepctful or make her feel at all like a failure or a bad Mom (I already have a reputation among the family for being a pushy pro-breastfeeder ....I've been really working on that with the last few fam.members who have had babies, being very careful...kinda like how a LLLeader is with their Moms). I just bucked-up how I was feeling and told her I would support her and help her in anyway I could, regardless.

I just had to vent how I was feeling...I knew if I told dh, as much as he is pro-bf-ing, he'd be like "oh hun, don't worry so much about other people and what they do"....I know, I know....I just wish that all babies could have Human Milk, and I feel they have that right.

[Lact-o-Mama]

Yup, I've got cousins who's babies are in daycare "just because".
I do have some family members that breastfed successfully....I even contributed to one using a Midwife and Breastfeeding for 3 yrs with her 2nd (after her first attempt to nurse failed at 2 days pp)
I know and respect that "we all make decisions that are right for our families", but this kinda stuff just attacks my biases in a huge way.

Oh yeah, and my aforementioned cousin is gonna circumsize if it's a boy...."just because" **sorry, I know that's another topic for another thread...no means to start a conversation in this thread

[hipmummy]

I agree, every mama has a choice, it is just sad that a lot of mama's make a A LOT of very poor choices.

[Frootloop]

Originally Posted by Lact-o-Mama

I'm feeling really bummed out.
her sil had a fever post-partum and was told not to nurse b/c of it

I wish I had some advice, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly where you are coming from. I know SO many new mamas who looking forward to giving birth for one big reason.. so they could DRINK AGAIN. These same mamas were bottle propping within the first few weeks, leaving the babies with sitters so that they could go shopping alone, etc. It makes my heart hurt :

It sounds to me like your cousin has already made up her mind. Unfortunately, I don't think it would be possible to change it, either

I also wanted to comment on one part of your post.. the bolded part there. I know that it seems hard to believe, but YES, that actually does happen. It happened to me after the birth of my son. I was 18 yrs old and was nursing my son after his birth (I truly don't remember doing it as I was quite out of it following general anesthesia). I developed a fever of close to 104 the night after his birth. He was immediately taken off the breast by the hospital and given formula. I was ordered not to nurse him until my fever broke (bad uterine infection kept me in the hospital for almost a week following vaginal delivery under general anesthesia). By the time my fever had broke, he had no desire to go back to the breast.. I tried, but I really didn't have the support system that I should have. I did pump for a bit, but I eventually gave up

Sorry, I tend to ramble a bit. I just wanted to let you know that doctors/hospitals DO advise against it.. or at least, they did back in 1993.
I truly have no idea if I really shouldn't have been nursing during that time or what that was just my experience with it.

[Lact-o-Mama]

Frootloop: Whoa, really? That must've been awful to go through so soon after birth!

In my situation, I *know* this Mamma first hand and she never intended to bf....that was with her first, with her 2nd, she was supposidly told that the baby had white patches in their mouth (thrush) and couldn't nurse b/c of that.

[annettemarie]

Ladies, I'd like to remind you that the Lactivism guidelines state:

The Lactivism forum is not intended to be a place where MDCers to bash mothers who are formula feeding. It is understandable that lactivists become frustrated over the mainstream formula feeding culture. Criticizing ideas, campaigns, and actions that negatively impact breastfeeding are all acceptable forms of lactivism. Name calling, criticizing individuals, or attacking women who choose to formula feed as a group are not.

Please keep this conversation along the lines of "how can I positively influence this mother or others like her to breastfeed" rather than picking apart an individual and her circumstances. If it turns into a personal indictment, the thread will be removed. Thanks, and PM me with any questions!

[theboysmama]

When I was training to be a WIC peer councilor they taught us that it if the mom is smoking it is healthier for her to nurse the baby bcs the baby will be exposed to the smoke second hand, either in the air or on moms clothes, etc. The breastfeeding provides strengthed immunities and the baby would be less likely to die of sids then an infant who is formula fed with a parent that smokes. Try to google it and maybe you can find some info to pass on to her. Granted it would be great if she would nurse and not smoke but if she is going to smoke then it would be better for the baby to be nursed then to get formula. Good luck.

[Cuau]

Well how about if you inform her of the prices of formula and how much cheaper is to breastfeed. I know some of you might say is not cheaper, but here is an argument to get her thinking.

[Frootloop]

Originally Posted by Lact-o-Mama

Frootloop: Whoa, really? That must've been awful to go through so soon after birth!

In my situation, I *know* this Mamma first hand and she never intended to bf....that was with her first, with her 2nd, she was supposidly told that the baby had white patches in their mouth (thrush) and couldn't nurse b/c of that.

Unfortunately, yes and I was pretty darn sick, too. 27 hours of labor, 2 hours of hard pushing, he was in a face-up presentation and was very "stuck". They wisked me off to the operating room and put me under. From what I understand, they had a hell of a time getting him out. He was born around noon that day and sometime in the middle of the night, they checked my temp and found that I had a high fever. That's when they took him off the breast completely and gave him formula. The next morning, I actually had to undergo a vaginal/pelvic exam (you want to talk OUCH?!?!). And for some weird reason, the doctor who delivered my son (he filled for in my reg OB because he was out of town), wouldn't come up to my hospital room. One of the nurses actually came upstairs, put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me down to his office (which was on the 1st floor of the hospital)! I was sitting in the regular patient's waiting room in a freaking wheelchair and in my nightclothes during the regular patient hours. I was then wheeled back into the room to get checked out. I was put into the stirrups and everything. It turned out that I had a bad uterine infection going on (I was perfectly fine before his delivery, so I have no clue what happened there). It was honestly VERY traumatizing to me.

And I was a very immature new mom, too. I didn't ask questions at all.. with A LOT of things (circ was also one of them and also the fact that a nurse claimed that my doctor had ordered for me to have morphine when I was in labor, in fact, it was completely UNTRUE). I don't know, looking back, I truly feel that because I was so naive, it was taken advantage of in a VERY severe way. Or maybe the doctors/nurses simply had a "why bother" attitude about me. As in, "she's too young to know the difference". It really disgusts me to think about it now because now I'll never know. I just know that his birth was absolutely horrendous. I know that this all sounds a bit farfetched, but I swear to God, it's 100% true. I haven't thought about all of this in years, but it's REALLY bothering me lately. I wonder how often these types of things happen to the younger new mommies.

I feel like I'm derailing this thread, so I'm going to shut up now

[jaclyn7]

I think that in a circumstance like that you have to provide the support you can and move on. Some people won't change for anything and I think that especially when part of the negative equation includes the mother-to-bes own mother, you're pretty much out of luck if they're close & she has any doubt about nursing.

Focus on those who show some interest and with her maybe work on AP things that might appeal to her, baby wearing? Just let her know they fall as sleep so quickly in those slings so that she can go out easier